Dan's Devil's Dictionary
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● Global Warming (verb) An act whereby the successful are punished for being successful.
ex: When the white boy won the race by 1.7 seconds faster than his culturally diverse opponent, the gym teacher global warmed him an extra two seconds to keep things fair.
● Racist (noun) The target of a political witch hunt.
ex: If you disagree with the President, you are a racist.
● Movie (noun) One of a handful of stories told by the Greeks and then transferred to film, repeatedly.
ex: I think I have seen this movie before, but I can't tell because of all the cool special effects.
● Freemason (noun) A society, known for its bizarre rituals, that is indirectly responsible for every ill known to mankind.
ex: When you became a Freemason, did you destabilize the global economy before or after you were gangbanged raw by several old men wearing black robes and drinking virgin's blood out of a skull?
● Children (noun) An obstinate machine that takes approximately 18 years to build but can be used for free or cheap labor after their fifth birthday.
ex: Take those children over to the packing plant, we need some orders filled before midnight.
● Wiki (noun) A public opinion poll where voters are asked to cast their votes in the form of long winded text under the guise of being informative.
ex: Did you see that Sasquatch at the pool today? I think I could see five o'clock shadow in her armpits.
● Cigarette (noun) A small pleasure giving device that is also a ticket for the cancer lottery.
ex: He had fifty cigarettes a day for his whole life and died at 90 of liver failure.
(verb) The act of angering, by toxic fumes, every other person in the bar.
ex: Buffy, I swear to God, if he cigarettes up on the dance floor, I am totally not giving him a blow job.
● Abuse (verb) The act, often physical but sometimes mental, of getting your way every time.
ex: Since he got bad grades, mother abused Billy until his grades improved.
● Fellate (verb) An act, always physical, whereby a female gets her way every time.
ex: Since he got bad grades, mother fellated Billy's teachers until his grades improved.
● The Internet (noun) A vast horde of convicted pedophiles and sex offenders who, inexplicably, are still virgins.
ex: The Internet always makes me laugh as it is such a paradox.
● Pretzel (noun) A weapon of mass destruction.
ex: Be careful with those pretzels, Eugene. Somebody could get hurt.
● Fettucini Alfredo (noun) An expensive form of (or synonym of) macaroni and cheese.
ex: If it weren't for this Healthcare, we would have to pay to be late to the party at uncle Bob's ranch!
● Cashier (noun) A person whose job it is to stand around wishing they were someplace else while also irritating you beyond all reasonable levels of sanity.
ex: This cashier won't refund my purchase because she is too busy texting her bff and cunting around on Snaptwat.
● Waiter (noun) A person whose job is to hover over you as you eat. Often they ask you questions just as you have put food into your mouth.
ex: The waiter filled my water glass, took my order, and then disappeared for six hours.
● Teller (noun) An employee whose only job is to inform you that your account is overdrawn.
ex: Since my debit card won't work, I should probably consult a teller.
● Liberal (noun) A person who believes that a fairy with a magic wand can cure the world's ills out of thin air.
ex: Hey, look at that liberal over there, isn't he planting gumdrop trees next to that rainbow pond where the Butterfly Nymphs water their winged unicorns?
● Conservative (noun) A jackbooted and grim enemy of all light, life, and love. Often seen carrying a sword that doubles as a crucifix.
ex: When that conservative guy, Jenkins, enters the room, I swear the temperature drops 30 degrees, a fecal miasma rises, and the lights dim just a little.
● Music (noun) The intellectual property of someone else which you have on your hard drive.
ex: Teddy always has the best music to listen too, I wonder where he gets it?
● Beer (noun) A tool, used alone or in conjunction with other mood altering chemicals, by which young men remove the clothes of previously unattractive women.
ex: Sandy, I had so much beer last night, I cannot remember what happened!
● Pistol (noun) An implement used to cause assisted suicide.
ex: Brady pointed his pistol at Robert, the highway patrol officer.
● Gullible (noun) A word that is repeatedly removed and then replaced in most dictionaries.
ex: Did you know they took gullible out of the dictionary? What? They put it back in? I had better go check.
● Couch (noun) Where a man sleeps after he has had a mid-life crisis.
ex: After Wanda slammed the bedroom door in his face, Reginald prepared the couch by covering it with a sheet. It was going to be a long, cold, and lonely night.
● Basement (noun) The place where everybody on the internet lives.
ex: Stanley, do you even have any windows in this basement? Oh, I see, you have them covered up with anime posters.
● Emissions (noun) A rough analog of Satan in the new government imposed global religion.
ex: I have sacrificed a goat in order to keep emissions low.
● Ramen (noun) A food item, usually eaten by the poor, that you swear you will never touch again after you have graduated from college. Three years later, when you maxed out your credit cards and are back living with your parents, you add Ramen back into your diet.
ex: I can cook Ramen on the hotplate next to my bed.
● Computer (noun) A handy piece of machinery designed to increase productivity.
ex: Hold on, Josephine, let me just get on my computer and then we can cyber while we are at work.
● Love (noun) A deep feeling of affection or personal attachment that overrides the brain's ability to control the body.
ex: Raul had a deep love for Burger King, and thus he weighted 350 pounds.
● Vaccination (noun) Depending upon who is being vaccinated, the definition is different. To some, it means "the act of inoculation," while to others it means "government mind control."
ex: I am very conflicted about vaccination because it is an inside job, however so is the H1N1 flu, so I am not really sure what to do.
● Camera (noun) An expensive piece of machinery used to create images that sits in your desk drawer, unused.
ex: Morton had dreams of being an amateur photographer, however his camera was buried under two notebooks and a day planner.
● Blemish (noun) A skin eruption or sore that appears on your face exactly three seconds after you find your camera.
ex: Cindy found Morton's camera in his desk while at the same time she found a blemish on Morton's chin.
● Resist (verb) Something you cannot do.
ex: Walter tried to resist a bout of laughter, but after watching the elderly woman fall down the flight of steps, he found it was impossible.
● Argue (verb) Something experts excel at.
ex: Even though he was an authority on Geology, Professor Wilkins would argue for hours about politics.
● Penny (noun) The only unit of money you are unhappy to receive.
ex: When Charlene got her change back from the cashier, she noticed a penny which made her grimace painfully.
● Drama (noun) An exciting series of events that are intended to first cause discomfort, stress, or harm in one subject and then cause a humorous reaction in another subject.
ex: While Jesus was being nailed to the cross, Sally witnessed the drama and laughed uncontrollably.
● Salad (noun) What an overweight person orders for dinner when other people are watching.
ex: On his first date with Melinda, Toby used his wide, sausage-like fingers to eat his salad.
● Is (verb) The word you should have written instead of "are."
ex: Waffles is where it's at!
● Gramar (noun) An archaic set of rules used to govern language that has recently met its demise due to the proliferation of the internet.
ex: Walt, a gramar expert, knew where punctuation should be at.
● Web (noun) A confusing construct often fraught with unseen perils.
ex: Young Benjamin talked with lots of older men while using the world wide web.
● Hopefully (adverb) A word used to modify something, but usually modifies a few things or nothing at all.
ex: Hopefully, Richard will arrive tomorrow, it is to be hoped that he brings his luggage.
● Fast Food (noun) A culinary style of food made by a class of people you would not allow in your own home.
ex: That fast food restaurant was shut down by the health department, the emigration department, and the hazardous waste authority.
● Verisimilitude (noun) Something nobody is capable of for very long.
ex: Helen found that verisimilitude, like carrying large, guilt-ridden rocks, was tiring.
● Pseudo (adverb) A word used, usually due to lack of education, by hipsters to modify something when they cannot find the correct word, phrase, or description.
ex: Hey Brock, these clove cigarettes are pseudo tasty!
● Barista (noun) A youth who usually has an eyebrow or lip pierced and wears too much eyeliner.
ex: I wish that barista would get the hell off of her cell phone and get me my damn coffee.
● Primacy (noun) The state reached when usefulness is superseded by arrogance.
ex: A prostitute has primacy when she demands a tip after her work is completed.
|Dan's Devil's Dictionary is part of a series on Language & Communication|