Dark Souls

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Hey faggot, this is about the first game. Click here for a disambiguation article on the other games. Not that there's any difference between them though.

A book on the people that suck at playing this game

Dark Souls is the epitome of "difficult" craption-RPG shovelware developed by the non-jewish company From Software. Infamous for its supposedly devastating difficulty, Dark Souls has gained a reputation amongst normies as vidya that only elitist true hardcoar gaymer gods play. In reality, only slightly less normie people play it.

Thot Patrol[edit]

Before you get into the game, you'll have to make your piece of shit roleplay character and attach a class to it as well. The character creator in this game is ugly as fuck, with no exceptions. Your character will never be beautiful, so you're just better off trying to make your character look as abysmal and hideous as possible.

Class Description
Warrior Generic warrior kind of guy, an okay starting class. Pretty balanced.
Knight Tank class. For beginners, and those who have no time for higher arts and want to smack shit.
Wanderer Emo fgt class. For the edgier sort of folk.
Cleric Christfag. For pussies who like to heal with miracles and swings around blunt instruments.
Pyromancer The homeless guy who lives under the bridge on North Main St. got a role in a video game. Uses pyromancy and a one-handed axe.
Thief The other edgy class. Starts off with the best starting gift, the Master Key, allowing you to get another gift.
Bandit Inferior shittier version of Knight class. Has the highest STR of all of the classes. That's right; he's so unremarkable, his base STR stat is his selling point.
Hunter Wears pimpin leather armor and has high DEX. Also has very useful bow. The best class in the game.
Sorcerer Gayest and shittiest of all of the classes. Uses magic, which means you will win the game in five minutes.
Deprived Besides Hunter, it's the only other class really worth playing. You start off nekkid and get a tactical wooden club.


"Story"[edit]

30xx A.D.. God is dead, and everyone has super AIDs. How did we get here? Some assholes took a world ruled by dragons for granted some 500 years ago and ended up hunting them to extinction. Now the sun is literally disappearing, and the 4 superheros who helped make dragons into mantelpieces don't want to sacrifice themselves for the greater good.

CUT BACK TO THE PRESENT. Your faggot character is crying in the corner of a containment cell. Sentenced to life without parole for having the same strain of super AIDs as the rest of the population. Suddenly, some poor bastards dead body is thrown in there by a pretty cool looking knight, and conveniently has a key on it. So you do the only rational thing and bust out of Fort Cox, destined to cure yourself of super AIDs, even if it means destroying actual gods along the way.

The World[edit]

Gay baby rendition of dark souls 1's map

One of the selling points of Dark Souls is the "immersive" and "connected" world, Lordran. Lordran looks to be a fantasized portrayal of Venezuela, with the 1% residing in a godly city known as Anor Londo, and the impoverished bastards suffering below. (It ends up Anor Londo is almost completely vacant and scores on fan lists as one of the most disappointing areas in the entire series). In the lowest trenches of Lordran is a literal shithole with an entrance to Hell, while the more relaxed sections of the game feature so very interesting locations such as graveyards, catacombs, churches, forests, cliffs and other generic, hap-hazardous fantasy locations.

Gameplay[edit]

How insecure gamers feel after beating Dark Souls

Don't listen to anyone who peddles lies about Dark Souls. The game isn't hard, mostly due to how shallow and broken the combat is. Players have up to a whopping seven options in combat, both against enemies (PvE) and players (PvP): light, heavy, running, rolling, jumping, backstab, and parry/riposte. We could go on for a fucking millennia about how some gook bastards made up imaginary weapon techniques, but this crap page has enough lists already.

You don't even need to boil down or summarize combat. Most regular enemies can be exploited to Hell and back through stunlocking, backstabbing, and more, while those who can't have other glaring and intended exploitable weaknesses. Other players can be similarly cheated out of fair fights through chain backstabbing or parry spamming, which for all intents and purposes is reserved for cheeky cunts who wouldn't otherwise win. Later games took notes on how astronomically retarded Dark Soul's combat is and fixed it, mostly.

Equipment[edit]

Dark Souls Weapons.jpg

Along your adventures, you will steal, relinquish and hoard many weapons, clothes, jewelry, and more. It's up to you to fine-tune your character with such goods, to make them a killdozer and one-man army, capable of smiting even the largest of enemies with but a single punch. You might start a meek loser and a complete nobody, but by the time you're knocking on a bosses door, you will have hopefully dressed for the occasion.

Melee Weapons[edit]

This is more of a blanket term for the weaponized dildos. From the micropenis daggers to the thundercock ultra-swords, melee weapons are the most reliable form of damage. They either look like they belong in a museum or fantasy wall hangers for neckbeards. Expected, as the game is for weebs. Despite this, the shittier, generic looking weapons, like the starting weapons, usually end up being the more viable weapons in both PvE and PVP. There are weapons catered to every build, so people intentionally forgoing melee weapons are either brain dead or gods amongst men who will make you their fucktoy.

Sorcery[edit]

Too much of a pussy to play the game? Too fucking limp wristed to use a sword or club like a FUCKING MAN? Be a mage and use magic, as magic is the most overpowered thing in the game. The only thing preventing sorcery from actually making the game a joke is a cap on how many times you can use a sorcery per life, but as it is it's already too generous. Sorcery can be used to get cheap kills on players and enemies alike. Sorcery ranges from shooting shitty little balls, thermonuclear warheads, enchanting your weapon to look like a lightsaber, and making your enemy ragequit once they realize how fruitless it is to chase down an oiled-down twink.

Pyromancy and Miracles[edit]

The real man's magic, if there was any. Christfags and Pyromancers alike depend on faith and prayer to channel impotent rage upon the nonbelievers, either through underwhelming bolts of lightning or fireballs. Men of cloth equip used toilet paper to cast their Ackbars while pyromancers set their hand on fire. Your fellow weeb will appreciate your disdain from sorcery while he effortlessly dances around your easily avoidable projectiles and buttfucks you.

Rings and Armor[edit]

This is the average equipment choice of the pros.

Another cheap fantasy gimmick, these cock rings are p>ovided to make minor adjustments otherwise not possible through leveling up your Pokemon, like making you a pack mule or letting you backflip with no prior practice. Even with something like 50 rings to find and use, the unarguable shittiness of them all means there are only about a dozen useful rings to swap between in any given playthrough.

On the other side of the fence is armor, which does fuck all. If at any point you start to get slowed down by your armor, you will probably be mauled and mutilated. After all, why tank damage if you can just avoid it altogether?

The Many Sins of Dark Souls[edit]

Here is where the sins of Dark Souls, and by extension all bad games, are to be listed. What this game is celebrated for is humorously hated and criticized in other games. Dark Souls avoided this bad press and criticism by running Jewish psy-op advertisements to the mainstream gaming world describing itself as a difficult and challenging game. This was further reinforced by crap YouTubers attempting to play Dark Souls and failing, but only because they suck at games altogether, not because Dark Souls is hard.

Spam Enemies[edit]

Dark Souls1.jpg

Dark Soul's "difficulty" is largely derived from hurling hordes of copy-pasted enemies at the player. The entire Soulsborne series revolves around this core concept, actually. The player is regularly pitted against large crowds of cloned enemies with little to no variance in their attack patterns or weapons. The enemies themselves are incredibly weak and can be stunned in one or two hit, so the gameplay is just stun-locking as many crowds as you can.

Cheap Deaths[edit]

Another core mechanic is cheap deaths. These are largely deaths or unusually difficult positions the player cannot avoid or adequately manage without previous experience, such as bullshit enemy locations. For example, after fighting the first non-tutorial boss, players will progress along a bridge, only to be one-shot by a fire-breathing dragon the size of a church.

A late-game example is forcing the player to die to an invincible boss in order to progress to the next section of the level, without ever actually telling them they have to die. Unless you don't equip a one-time use ring that prevents you from losing souls on death, your souls will be left in the boss area that is NEVER re-visited by the game. You will have to go out of your way to progress back to the beginning of the level and pick your souls back up. Assholes.

'Those' Enemies[edit]

'Those' enemies are the ones that are annoying to deal with, no matter how good you are. This trope usually goes hand-in-hand with cheap deaths.

A great example are the toxic blow-dart spitters in Blighttown. A single dart from them will debuff the player with very strong life-drain that is guaranteed to kill at lower levels. The only real options are to consume a rare item to purge toxic/poison, an item the player is unlikely to have, or to retreat to a previous checkpoint.

But an even better example are Basilisks. Basilisks seemingly vape large clouds of Russian nerve gas which will fill a "Curse" bar up if the player stands in it. Stand in it too long and it will insta-kill you. BUT WE'RE NOT DONE YET! When you respawn, you will have your maximum health cut in half. The only way to restore your health to its former glory is to find an arbitrarily placed NPC healer in a late-game location, or to purchase overpriced crack rocks from a vendor.

Also, you can be cursed 16 times, with each additional curse removing another 50% of your maximum health.

Walk of Shame[edit]

The Walk of Shame is the incredibly tedious walk the player is punished with if they die. It is among the worst punishments a player can receive, simply because of how god damn long it takes to proceed again. In most cases, the walk back to your point of death won't even be difficult or challenging. Elevators or other gimmicks are usually employed as well. Examples include Anor Londo, Lost Izalith, and the Chasm of the Abyss.

In fact, the Walk of Shame summarizes the entire second-half of the game, as it was admitted to be all rushed.

Battle the Camera/FPS[edit]

The camera is uncooperative overall, and nearly impossible to control in tight spaces, often times making the player fall off platforms or be unable to face enemies. The camera is so bad there's actually settings that disable the "wall recovery" (whatever the fuck that means) in every Dark Souls game. Additionally, the auto targeting system randomly decides to go spastic when in use, and can buffer button inputs or make the player dodge or attack in unintended angles.

In console versions, the frame-rate can unexpectedly dip into single-digit territory or violently stutter whenever the player moves the camera in quite a few normal locations. Some of these stutters are unexplainable.

Blatantly easy or unfair Bosses[edit]

Littered throughout the entire game are bosses that will wildly vary in difficulty. Early-game bosses such as the Capra Demon or the Bell Gargoyles are designed to overwhelm a weak or novice player whereas later-game bosses have EXTREMELY exploitable weaknesses. For example, the Iron Golem atop Sen's Fortress can actually be incapacitated for a whole minute by simply attacking it, not to mention its incredibly slow and easily telegraphed attacks.

Art[edit]

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See Also[edit]

Souls Series

Dark Souls
is part of a series on
Souls Series

[BonfireBoss fight]

Core series
Demon's SoulsDark SoulsDark Souls 2Dark Souls 3
Spin-offs
Bloodborne

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