Dead Rising

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He's covered wars. As to what that has to do with anything is up to anyone's guess.

Dead Rising is your typical zombie franchise, except you can rape the zombies with everything. The first game was one of the most over-hyped pieces of trash of 2006 and the only remnant of it is a shitty mini-meme, "He's covered wars ya'know", which only 13 year old boys find funny.

Dead Rising[edit]

You are Frank West, a photographer that's sent to investigate a scoop in the shit hole known as Willamette. You discover that the town has been infected with AIDS, and has caused all the townsfolk to turn into Zombies. While there, you're aided by two Nigras, Brad and Otis, and a White Woman to help take down some Beaner Scum named Carlito, who spread a bunch of zombie drugs around the town, because the Government killed everyone in his Mexican village for conspiring to border-hop.

Half-way through, the Beaner's sister, Isabella, decides to aid you, because he shot her in the arm for not making him a sandwich. In the end, Brad and the white woman get infected by AIDS and die, and you're stranded in the mall forevar.

But wait, that wasn't the TRUE ending. In the true ending, you find out that Carlito raped 50 orphans around America, and soon, they'll become contagious enough to spread their zombie AIDS throughout the entire world. Frank and the Beaner's sister eventually escape from the mall after beating up military personnel. Frank's closing line was "Fuck the Po-lice."

But no really, this is the real ending. Frank is killing the zombies harder, better, faster, and stronger than ever, later inspiring Two shit French DJ's to write their shit album. Frank then gets a call from his boyfriend, Carlito, who confesses to have dropped a nuclear bomb on Hiroshima. Frank calms him down, but then gets very very angry because he remembers that his mother was on vacation there. Frank takes out his cock and chops it off, causing him great pleasure. "The cock is so hurting." he shouted at the zombies. At this moment, the lead singer of the popular Japanese pop band Avenged Sevenfold falls down from the ceiling. He pulls out his cock and chops it off. "Here, replace your cock with mine, you deserve it." he moaned to Frank. Frank follows the fucking directions like a bitch and attaches the cock with glue. This cliffhanger ending has left many fans wanting a sequel, but creators of the game felt that they should just skip to the sequel of the sequel and released the game "NFL Head Coach", one of the most successful video games of all time.

Why the Game Sucked[edit]

VG Cats, in its typically unfunny fashion, illustrating why Otis is an asshole.
Oh, did you kill these guys? Don't worry, they'll be back tomorrow.

AI In a strange showing of accuracy on Capcom's part, the zombies in Dead Rising were actually much smarter than the survivors. This is 100% realistic, since the average American is a white blooded Christian. Most of the game consisted of escorting survivors back to your rumpus room, which often went horribly awry, since your survivors displayed a fetish for being eaten alive and running into crowds of zombies like a herd of them just shat a mound of Jew gold. Why the game encourages you to save these faggots is a mystery, since the world would be much better off without these fucktards making the gene pool look bad.

Save Slot(s) During development, some dipshit decided it would be better to only give the player one save slot. So when you save the game and then don't have enough time to get to the next objective you have to start the whole thing over. That requires you to sit through the same awful story over 9,000 times, unless you decide to just return the shitty game.


Dead Rising 1 Psychopaths[edit]

The bosses in this game are basically a bunch of insane fucks tripping on acid. When designing the boss battles, Capcom decided to be lazy, and go smoke meth instead of adding a shred of creativity to the game. Because of this, every boss battle is over in less than 10 seconds, since you can just cut the fuckers in half with a chainsaw.

  • Adam MacIntyre

A FUCKING CLOWN. DUAL WIELDING CHAINSAWS. No, srsly. Frank's pedo-boner is drawn to a kid's ride only to be interrupted by Adam who is wielding the most overpowered and broken fucking weapon in the game. After he angrily rapes Adam he falls over and clumsily lands on his chainsaws and fucking dies. Frank mildly gives a shit. Frank turns off the ride so he can furiously masturbate to kiddies only to see a nigra friend of Otis'.

  • Cliff Hudson

An oldfag who has a Vietcong flashback and tries to cut Frank's cock off. After also assraping him too, he pulls the pity card and explains that he lost his shit after his granddaughter got zombie AIDS.

  • Sniper Family

Family of faggots who shoot people in the Entrance Plaza. They consist of some douchebag and his sons.

Some faggot who Frank encounters in Paradise Plaza. He thinks his photography skills are better than Frank's and the mission following his encounter includes Frank having to take sexy pictures. The most efficient way of doing this involves either taking a picture of Jessie's tits and cunt or taking a picture of fellow retarded survivor Sophie Richards' legs. After showing Kent your photos he pusses out and leaves. The following day, you get to knock this douchebag into a fucking coma. Depending on how fast your oldfag ass gets there in time, you'll either be yet again burdened with rescuing another survivor or Kent will live out his gay fantasy with Frank by undressing him and kicking the shit out of him. He is the worst fucking boss in this game.

  • Cletus

Redneck who camps out in the gun shop.

  • The Convicts

Prison escapees who drive a military jeep. If you thought escorting dumb fucks around away from zombies was bad enough, taking one step outside will teach you how to prepare your anus. The convicts consist of a white guy, a black guy, and a Mexican guy. They chase Frank while black people music plays in the background.

  • Jo Slade

fat lesbian cop that molests under 18 year olds, after Frank instantly kills her with a chainsaw, she rapes the floor like a mad cunt and dies. Frank then escorts the female survivors to the safe room for an orgy.

  • Sean Keanan

Another fucking oldfag. He is the leader of a cult who like to blow themselves up or kidnap Frank where they will put him into their fagshack. Frank finds the old faggot in a movie theater where he has taken more retards hostage. He jumps so high that even niggers shit bricks at it.

  • Paul Carson

Appropriately titled "long-haired punk" who is encountered holding a molotov about to burn female survivors. His fight consists of him throwing shit at you and running like a bitch. After defeating him, he slips like a clumsy faggot and drops a molotov onto his cock (not kidding), and the player is given the option to either save him and have him be zombie-chow later, or let him fucking burn to take sweet pictures of it.

  • Larry Chiang

an Asian butcher who kidnaps Carlito to assrape him, and bring him back over the border.

  • Steve Chapman

a checkout guy who screams THIS IS MY STOOOOOOORE, boarder-lining a mini-meme of sorts.

  • Brock Mason

The end boss somehow manages to be more broken than all the others, by only letting the player defeat him by running in a circle and kicking him in the face for five minutes straight, or standing in the same fucking place on the lower part of the tank punching him in the balls until he falls into a sea of zombies.

Destructoid's Number One Zombie Game![edit]

Once again Destructoid just proves how much they love nothing but shit. Their top 10 zombie games, is nothing but an advertisement to Dead Rising while still making Left 4 Dead look bad at number 10 and Resident Evil 4 is at number 2 just to piss the fans off that it lost to Dead Rising. Somehow a sandbox game with piss poor gameplay and shitty story is alot of fun and nothing is more fun than saving idiotic survivors, getting pestered by Otis and wearing a bunch of children clothing or woman's clothes just for the lolz.

Dead Rising 2: Electric Boogaloo[edit]

Dead Rising 2 takes place a few years or something after the events of Dead Rising 1, and once again there's been a zombie outbreak. But wait, this isn't the first outbreak to happen since the one in the first game. Turns out that no matter what ending you got in the first one, it didn't make much of a difference. You play as some kind of motocross zombie killer who makes a living by participating in some game show where he and a bunch of other unimportant assholes ride motorcycles with chainsaws attached to them around an arena cutting up zombies. This is the only interesting part of the game. After this, the nigger who hosts the game show releases all the zombies causing another outbreak, blames it on you, some more crap happens, and then your character finds himself in a mall with 3 days to prove his innocence. Basically, after you do the game show part, you're back to doing the same shit you did in the first game. Bullshit bosses and all. There are a few major differences though, only one of them being even remotely good.

  • Zombrex Your daughter was bit by a zombie a few years ago and has been on a drug called Zombrex. However, your character doesn't have any and must buy some from some douche bag each and every day. It's extremely expensive and raising the cash to buy it can be pretty annoying. Unless you're smart enough to actually find the stuff lying around on overhangs and on top of giant slot machine like tossing Zombrex onto hard to reach spots is a fucking national sport.
  • "Improved" AI Acknowledging the complaints about the horrible AI from the first game, Capcom decided to make some drastic improvements for the civilians. The first major difference is that they no longer run into mobs of zombies. They simply wait there and let the zombies come to them. Some of them are also armed with firearms too. To balance this out, Capcom made it so they can not distinguish you from zombies and shoot you in the back constantly.
    • They did not fix the retarded zombie AI. The zombies still can't attack anything that moves and they can't see you if you are 2ft away from them.
  • Improvised weapons If you get the right weapons, as well as unlock the combo cards for them, you can create improvised weapons, such as a bucket with drills in it that tears zombies' heads to pieces when you put it on them, a baseball bat with nails attached to it, and propane tanks that have nails sticking out of 'em and shit. This is probably the only good change they made. The result is also fucking unrealistic, for example, if you use only one chainsaw and another weapon that goes with it, you always get two chainsaws for the resulting weapon. This is exclusively for lazy fucks who don't want to "waste time" getting more weapons for the appropriate result. Also the only weapon you'll probably use while playing is the nail bat since the parts for it are right outside the safe room and you don't exactly have much time to waste to build anything else since you're on a time limit.


Dead Rising 2 Psychopaths[edit]

  • Leon Bell

A closet gay Terror is Reality contestant. Has a really shitty haircut and asks Chuck if he has gay wet dreams about him.

  • Ted

A fat autistic bastard with a fucking TIGER for a best friend. Chuck accidentally triggers him. After killing this retard, you can give his tiger to your daughter, and hopefully pray it mauls her face off.

  • Brandon Whittaker

A protester who is a living irony. Fans make jokes about him being Shaggy from fucking Scooby Doo. He gets bit and kills himself with a shard of glass.

  • Chef Antoine

A fatass chef. Has a meme dedicated to him about butter or some shit.

  • Slappy

Virgin encountered in a clothes store for kids who gets butthurt over his dead girlfriend. His raging virgin boner unleashes rage and he skates around like a fag shooting you with fire. furfags and autistic kids Five Nights At Freddy's because spooky mascots give them raging hard-ons.

a fat bastard with a huge pink chainsaw desperate to lose his virginity by kidnapping bitches and forcing them to marry him. He murders his Christian father. He's in a gimp suit and resembles Chris-Chan in many ways.

  • Carl Schliff

Mailman voiced by Double D from Ed, Edd, and Eddy. Tries to blow up Chuck after he tries to get Zombrex from Carl. Blows himself up after the boss battle.

  • Seymour Redding

Another redneck. 'Nuff said.

  • Bibi Love

an aging singer with a nice ass.

  • Amber/Crystal

Lesbian twins who kidnap Rebecca Chang. For ultimate cringe, look up anything about them on DeviantArt and see how long it takes before the fetish art makes you gargle bleach.

  • Hunters

4 lonely redneck hunters. Shittier versions of the Dead Rising 1 sniper family.

  • Roger/Reed

Gay lover magicians who wear flashy outfits. After kicking their asses they have a no-homo moment where Roger murders Reed.

  • Sgt. Boykin

Gaybabby child of Brock and Cliff. The only difference being that you don't have a shitty fight on top of a tank. Also kills himself.

  • Raymond Sullivan

Another fucking oldfag. You meet him earlier in the game and is a total cuck having been a cranky bitch about Chuck bringing his AIDS-infested daughter to the safe room. Near the end of the game he shoots Rebecca in the face and flees. Chuck encounters him where he calls missiles to blow up parts of the hotel in Fortune City.

  • Tyrone King

Traditional villainous nigra who framed Chuck for some Jewgold.


Multiplayer[edit]

The multiplayer sucks, nuff' said. Except for the end of every match where you get to rape the zombies with motorbikes equipped with chainsaws.

Dead of Rising Duty 3: The Walking Dead edition[edit]

When it came time to make a third Dead Rising game, Capcom did what any rational company would do and removed anything that didn't already suck, replacing the color and comedy with a brown, dreary shooter feel that makes all the 12 year old boys get raging hard ons and beg their parents to spend 500 of their hard earned Jew Gold on an Xbox One so that they can play it. This put the fanbase into an absolute rage, claiming that Crapcom had sold out to make their game a Walking Dead clone.

Plot[edit]

In the third installment, you play as some spic named Nick, who has the most common Mexican surname ever. Watch as Nick relentlessly tries to escape the city of Las Perididias or some shit like that, while also furiously fapping to a hot blonde chick. Working with a fat bitch named Rhonda Kreske and a pencil dick named Dick Baker, Nick attempts to use his super Mexican powers to build a plane and escape the city, hopefully landing back over the border where he belongs. Things don't exactly go as planned, as he finds out that he's immune to the infection from a middle aged Mexican woman from the first game that no one remembers. It is the most predictable game on the fucking planet, with generic plot twists that you could see from a mile away, like:

  • The blonde infected girl, is actually (gasp) the blonde infected girl from Dead Rising 2! HOLY SHIT!!!1!1!!
  • A nigger betrays you for money (shocker)
  • The blonde girl's father from the second game is revealed to be the one searching for the blonde girl.

The only redeeming part of the game is the option to attempt to steal the plane and leave all of your friends and family to die.

Dead Rising 3 Psychopaths[edit]

  • Zhi

Butthurt Asian oldfag who hates the world. He kills himself after he tells Nick about how his wife left him because of his small Asian penis, his kids growing up to be brats, and the recent outbreak of zombie AIDS.

  • Hunter Thibodeaux

American Vaas Montenegro. Encountered at a broken-down quarantine zone. He shows up after Nick drives away a bunch of bikers who try to rape Rhonda. He is playable in the Jewgold cash-grab Chaos Rising DLC and is the only thing worth playing it for.

  • Albert Contiello

Crazy surgeon who daterapes Nick in his fagshack and tries stealing his organs. Nick decides to fight back but the effects of his drugs force the player to play hide-and-go-seek with this faggot because Nick is too high to tell regular people from Albert. You basically run around throwing organ coolers at him and occasionally punching him in the cock.

  • Hilde Schmittendorf

Cop lady with huge tits. After witnessing her kill some faggot, Nick decides to "FUCK THA POLICE and engage in a fight with her and her troops, hoping he won't get brought back over the border.

  • Darlene Fleischermacher

A DeviantArt wetdream. She's a fatass bitch on a mobility scooter who kills people who try to steal her food.

  • Dylan Fuentes

A bisexual gimp who Nick finds in an adult store. Nick falls over and this faggot mistakes this as Nick performing goatse, as he tries to make Nick conform to his gay fantasies. He literally has a penis flamethrower and has zombies in cages to rape and/or live out any BDSM fetishism when any more retarded survivors aren't around to jerk his gherkin. He literally cums when he dies and is the subject of a lot of creepy fanart involving him and Nick.

  • Jherii Gallo

Shemale boss loaded on roids. Nick mistakes her for a man only to find out she's a woman when the game does a close-up shot of her nasty, veiny tits. Nick flexes like a total fag at the end of the fight.

Border-buddies with Nick. He is encountered at the museum and went crazy after hearing about Donald Trump making his way over there to deport him. The fight is ridiculously retarded because if you have a ranged weapon you can shoot his ass over and over again and trigger the same grapple move on him.

  • Theodore Lagerfield Jr.

Lazy fatass who sits in his mom's basement and gets helicopters to attack you. He is the worst boss in this game because the helicopters barely do shit and you just run around and shoot wall panels.

  • Kenny Dermot

A basement-dwelling virgin who you encounter as a survivor earlier on in the game. After Nick shows him his border-crossing skills, Kenny aspires to be autistic and Mexican like Nick. Also has the option to become zombie-chow.

  • Red

Jewish nigger. N'uff said.

  • Hemlock

Oldfag final boss. He rips off his shirt because it's totally manly.

Characters[edit]

Frank West - Some fag who likes to take photos of little boys. One day his extreme raging pedo boner points him to Willamette, Colorado, also known as "that town that has a mall half the size of the fucking town itself", and he sets off to relieve his sexual tension. However, his boy hunting exploits are ruined when he finds the whole town over run with zombies. He also becomes infected during the game, which is probably why over the next five years he became a fat, decrepit old man that has fantasies about saving the day in other outbreaks. These fantasies involve sexing up a big titted Asian bitch, crushing some agent/lesbian with a giant mechanical robot, and killing the actual hero because he went insane about brutally losing his own seven year old daughter. Wow, Frank is one sick motherfucker.

Chuck Greene - Words cannot describe the stupidity of this horrifying character. He's a middle aged, hardened bad ass who lost his wife in a tragic incident and must now protect his young daughter from the same people who caused his wife's death. So he's literally the plot of every action movie, ever. He's supposed to be American, but his actor's Canadian faggotry will literally flood your ears with "HURR AH MUST PROTECT MAH DAUGHTER FROM THOSE MEN ABOOT TO KILL US". His character has absolutely no development, instead he makes bad puns whenever someone dies and shit. He's supposed to be quiet, cool and tough, but he's really just a retard trying to do those things.

Nick Ramos - The greatest character in the entire series. This ingenious asshole utilizes the outbreak to transform from a dirty spic working at a greasy mechanic shop to a fucking unstoppable rage machine. He judo kicks a U.S. General into active helicopter propellers, breaks into a military compound where he proceeds to slaughter a commander and his entire team of highly trained solders, and he beats the shit out of some nigger before making out with the nigger's ex girlfriend. He's also the cure for zombification. He is the only redeeming part of the entire franchise.

Otis Washington - A nigger troll that lives in the mall, he haxx the game by making Frank stand perfectly still when spewing worthless information. Otis' only purpose in this game is to let you know when some dipshit trapped in the mall needs saving, and to black person. Otis finds it perfect that he can piss Frank off by calling at the most inappropriate times to give the most useless information ever. Otis has used his MIT degree to modify the radio given to Frank to where, when he is talking on it, it will send an electrical charge to Frank's brain to make sure he can't put down the radio or do anything except jog. You can see in Frank's eyes that he wants to shove that radio up Otis' ass, but he chooses not to, because Otis may interpret that as a sexual advance and rape him, and the fact that he's a black ass black person and likes buttsecks and other moar black kinky secks.

Brad Garrison - Some DHS fag who likes to take everything way too seriously. He acts like he's doing everything when really Frank is uncovering the whole story for him, and the first time he actually tries to fight someone without Frank he dies. He's the whitest nigger in the entire series.

Jessie McCarney - Uninteresting whore. She is Brad's butt buddy up until his death. At that point she decides to call the DHS emergency team even though Frank already had a helicopter coming, resulting in the DHS ordering a clean up of the mall and fucking up the entire original plan.

Carlito Keyes - The main villain of the first game. After America accidently flooded his village with zombie aids and killed all of the survivors to cover up the incident, Carlito released the aids across Willamette as an act of revenge. He is a gay, incestual spic and should be treated as such.

Isabela Keyes - Carlito's annoying sister, who keeps randomly popping up when no one wants her. She ends up being the master mind behind the outbreak in Dead Rising 3, how she managed to escape the kitchen to fulfill this dastardly deed is beyond anyone's guess.

Katey Greene - Chuck's daughter and Nick's fuckbuddy.

Frank is gay.[edit]

Carlito/Frank; rooftop

“How’d you get up here?” Frank’s fists clenched at his sides as Carlito’s lips twitched into a sinister smile. “Don’t just grin at me, I want an answer!”

With a pivot Carlito took a few steps toward the photojournalist; his locket swinging carelessly against his sculpted chest that was particularly visible through the plunging neckline of his shirt. Bringing a hand up to stroke down his slick black hair, he brought his eyes to face Frank’s. “Do you believe now that this is Hell?”

Frank scoffed. “A Hell that you caused.” Carlito grunted in response.

“Isabella knows I’m right you know,” he said, resuming his stroll, circling Frank like a vulture. “And deep down, I know you know I’m right as well.”

“What are you saying?” Frank inquired angrily. Carlito beamed, bringing up his hand and stroking his long fingers down Frank’s neck. The journalist lurched away and put his hand on his camera.

“Don’t be stupid,” Carlito shifted his walk again and pressed his front against him, causing him to back up until his back met the wall. Carlito still pressed on, against him, his sharp nose touching Frank’s. “Isabella will turn, she knows what’s right, she knows that it’s important Santa Cabeza be avenged.” He paused, watching a bead of sweat drip down Frank’s face. “And, she’s taken quite a shine to you, Mr. West.”

“What?” Carlito’s hand grabbed Frank’s arm and slammed him against the concrete wall, making his head lurch forward.

“Join us,” the Latin-American drawled. “You would like to get that scoop right? I can tell you everything you need to know about Santa Cabeza, the zombies, everything!” Frank’s teeth gnashed together at this offer. “You would make Isabella so happy,” Carlito’s tongue flicked outward and ran over his thin lips. “You would make me so happy.”

He further tightened his grip and crushed his lips to Frank’s, letting out the months of restricting his libido and obsession with revenge into the photographer’s mouth. Frank’s arms grabbed at Carlito’s shirt, despite the other man’s attempt at pushing him down and shoved him off, pulling him up to face him angrily. Frank was red in the face and could taste the other man on his lips, he tasted like blood and honey and it made him sick. For a few moments, he held Carlito to him, his hands shaking and a blush highlighting his cheek. He stared down into Carlito’s stormy gray eyes and it hit him hard how much he looked like his sister.

He hadn’t been thinking when he did it, but he returned his lips to Carlito’s and allowed himself to be seduced by the dark side for just a moment. And quite literally as well; as Carlito pushed him against the concrete wall of the rooftop and pulled against his clothes Frank released a groan of satisfaction. His arm wrapped around and pulled the other man’s hair, meeting his tongue as well and the hand that went lower. Carlito reached inside his pants and then into him, squeezing the part of him that made his body shiver and ache. As his calloused fingers played over Frank’s erection, his teeth nipped at the journalist’s neck, making his back arch and his body convulse with pleasure.

It wasn’t as if Frank wasn’t doing his own exploring. His hands slid inside Carlito’s top through the neckline and tweaked his nipples, making the other man huff against his neck and suck on the tender flesh, demanding continuation. Frank obliged, pressing upward and grinding against Carlito and giving him a complete hand full of him. It wasn’t until the two of them were necking once again that Frank felt himself shudder hard and release himself into Carlito’s palm. He ended the stroking, pulling out his hand and holding it out for a second to shake it off.

“You know,” Frank scowled, and in a method to assure his own mindset he said “I only did it because you look like your sister.”

Carlito, for a brief moment, felt like killing him where he stood, but instead a better way of revenge came to mind. “That’s alright, because now, you have to face my sister.” Frank looked down, his red cheeks paling at the sight of the stain on the crotch of his pants. Small, though noticeable, he was too busy staring in horror as Carlito made his leave. “I take it back, you stay with the Americans, I don’t need your sexual tension dragging me down.” He turned his head back to Frank, “Isabella will come back on her own, because she knows it’s the right thing to do.”

As Frank watched him leave (cursing his lack of a long ranged weapon), he grabbed his pants and pondered, amongst revenge, how he would get into the security room unnoticed.

Videos[edit]

Trolling butthurt fanboys[edit]

  1. Say that the zombies are too dumb to even be a threat to your character.
  2. List any zombie game that is better than Dead Rising.
  3. criticize the poor AI, shitty story line and lame boss fights.
  4. In Dead Rising 1 mention how not every item in the mall can be used as a weapon or item.
  5. Anyone that plays dead rising to dress up in girl clothing is secretly a gay cross dressing fag, no exceptions.
  6. Game is over rated.

Gallery[edit]

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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