Death Metal

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All death Metal fans worship at these dudes' altar
Your band has to look super hostile, so design a font that looks like your mom's bush.

Death Metal is yet another of over 9,000 sub-genres of Heavy Metal.

Death metal artists take pride in the brutallity and technicallity of their music, resulting in an on-going dick-measuring contest to see who has produced the heaviest and (ultimately) most un-listenable sound.

The live shows put on by these bands are competitions to see who can head-bang the hardest and to incite their fans to run around in a wild frenzy punching the other concert-goers and screaming until they collapse.


A brief history[edit]

A typical Album cover

Death Metal originated in the 1980's as an escape for Satan worshiping freaks to express their dissatisfaction with the current trends in music, which at the time was mostly focusing about love and peace.

Another group of pioneers

Many of these angst-ridden teens were in Florida at the time, which is a state full of immigrants and elderly people on their slow rickety march towards death. The boys had a dream, that they would create music that even their close friends and families whould shun them for; they created a band named Death(creative?) to complain about a bunch of random shit and scare all the old people. several of their fans caught on and started bands of their own, jumpstarting the Florida Death Metal scene.

The resulting creation of this agonizing music

Musicians all around the world were amazed and stunned at the Pandora's box of musical brutality and violence that had been unleashed, and created bands to rant about their favorite torture-method or political figure.

Style and Composition[edit]

Death Metal is all about being as heavy as possible and singing about the most horrific violence/rape conceivable. The desired sound can be simulated by throwing a cat and a running chainsaw into your clothes dryer and setting it to "High". Although occasionally a keyboard or synth is thrown in, true death metal artists uses primarily guitars and drums to achieve its sonic butchery, and they ostracise and ridicule bands that use anything else; they retaliate to this bastardization of their sound by labelling such bands as "symphonic" or "melodic".

Although being all about violence and gore, the artists who come up with these lyrics are usually afraid of needles and faint at the sight of REAL blood.


Guitars


Death metal requires a both heavy chugging sound like an old deisel truck going over a bumpy road to and more midrange grind reminiscent of that horrifying bowel movement you had last Thursday squatting over a stump full of yellow-jackets.


Being a death metal guitarist means you buying a guitar that is shaped like it was intended to be a medieval battle axe or big letter "V" from Sesame Street. Next, since all the chords have to be detuned down into sub-sonic octaves, you're going to have to get rid of those pussy regular strings and find some piano wire and maybe that old coax cable that was left when they came and repo'd your comcast box and tv (cuz you're poor as shit).

Next you need to practice playing your top string (that Co-ax cable) with your right hand in a steady, rapid beat- although this skill is already universally known and mastered by aspiring guitarists anyway, so you are really just getting used to having something as large as a pick in your fingers while you strum.

Yea you know you want it

Every death metal song needs a sick guitar solo in the beginning , middle and end. You'll get some serious recognition and possibly even an article in this gay website. PROTIP: If your guitar is rad enough to have a whammy bar, simply play an open string and yank and pull until the string breaks and lashes you in the face, the resulting solo will be epic and Angela Gossow will emerge screaming from across the sea to swallow your cock and balls whole.



Bass

No respectable death metal band allows their bassist to be even remotely heard. They exist as extra stage help while on tour.




Drums

A legendary drummer

Drumming for a death metal band requires precision and extreme endurance. So you better be thin to even think about it( haha we all know you're too fat).

Also, cocaine addiction required

Since anger and violence go hand in hand with this genre, you should be looking for a combination of thumping and crashing noises; just imagine yourself beating up a homeless man with a hammer and a some trash can lids. The entire rhythm section is typically sound clip of a garbage bag full of pots, pans, empty tin cans, and glass mugs being thrown at a wall; this is looped over 9,000 times. (Some truly brutal drummers have actually sampled themselves killing a bum in the aforementioned way and using that as their loop track.)



The Azn's getting in on the action



Demonstrating where cock goes



Vocals


Sometimes death metal vocalists are refered to as "singers"; if one over hears this common misnomer they will promptly freak the fuck out and correct whoever said it. Singing is never a welcome part of any true death metal song, instead frontmen use a combination of belches, grunts, squeals, gulps, roars, and whatever other noise sounds primal and raw. Pitches of these vocals range from yoda-getting-ass-raped-high to that low grinding, gurgling sound when your roommate flips on the garbage disposal with your hand still wrist deep into the drain trying to dig out a stuck spoon.

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Composition

When writing a death metal song, it is important to maintain a proper image by writing exclusively about death and means of obtaining it, as long as its gory and violent. The most common lyrical themes involve killing someone with a chainsaw, being dismembered by a chainsaw, lighting someone on fire with a chainsaw-blowtorch, the grim reaper destroying a maternity ward (with a chainsaw of course). Other excellent examples include these acclaimed titles:


  • Addicted To Vaginal Skin
  • Entrails Ripped From A Virgin's Cunt
  • Festering In Filth
  • From Skin To Liquid
  • Meat Hook Sodomy
  • Chopped In Half
  • Turned Inside Out
  • I Cum Blood

Fans of Death Metal[edit]

Deathfans.jpg

Fans of death metal do everything they can to look exactly like their favorite bands; with a few exceptions they tend to follow the same basic formula:

  • Wear a black shirt (with some obscure brutal/slam band's name, bonus points if the text is unreadable because of an overdesigned logo)
  • Wear jeans and converse shoes
  • If you can't get long hair, go bald
  • Don't cut your hair, grow a homeless beard
  • Never shower
  • Nerdrage about how fucking lame hard/metal/deathcore bands are with their stupid breakdowns. (But to be fair, all those hard/metalcore/deathcore bands really are fucking awful shit too)

Satan is considered the founder of all things metal, but death metal fans look up to him as a partying bad-ass instead of some great evil god that the emo-fags worship in Black metal.

Death metal concerts involve turning up all amps and P.A. systems to 11, to ensure that regardless of what the band actually palys or does on stage; the crowd below will be so deaf that they won't be able to tell the difference between a descending alternate picked phrygian mode riff and the guitarist dropping his pants and shitting on his guitar.

The intense noise is designed to cause massive ear-drum trauma resulting in much blood, and to whip the mob of concert goers in a violent frenzy known as the mosh pit. This phenomenon occurs at many other types of concerts; but where most people are involved to crowd surf, stage dive and run in circles, death metal pits are considered a success if someone is killed or injured.

Deathmetalpit.jpg

If you are ever in a DM concert and begin to notice the warning symptoms of a pit forming, stay cool and plan an angle of attack. The worst thing you can do is panic and run into the pit with arms flailing like the rest of the retards. Instead, find a good spot in the outside ring of people(PROTIP:make sure you are still FACING the stage). Then you can still enjoy(lol?) the concert while having a tactical advantage over the angry moshers in front of you, thereby enabling you to have the lulz

A typical fan, notice he's trying to jack a pack of cigs mid surf

BONUS POINTS:

  • If you spt a woman nearby, while not a smart choice for a lay, one can still provide lulz by giving them a quick feel then shoving them directly at an oncoming fatty. She wont know what hit her!
  • Have sex with cadavers
Deathmoshpit2.jpg
  • Call Chuck Schuldiner the best guitarist/vocalist ever
  • The casual leg thrust n' trip is always a classic and lulzy move loved by all.
  • If some guy charges you roaring like a fucking psycho, don't panic. They are still expecting you to simply roar and shove them back into the pit, but you should take them by surprise with a Chuck Norris-esque spin kick to the face.

Trolling Death Metal Fans[edit]

  • Say that Cryptopsy were better with The Unspoken King
  • Say that Cryptopsy are the first deathcore band or the deathcore pioneers
  • Say that death metal is screamo or emo
  • Say that deathcore is better
  • Say that Slipknot is death metal
  • Talk shit about Chuck Schuldiner
  • Say that deathcore is the same thing as death metal
  • Say that Waking the Cadaver are the revival of death metal
  • If someone asks for a death metal band that sounds old-school, suggest a deathcore band
  • Use the term BR00T4L to describe a death metal band
  • Say that Oliver Sykes is br00t4l
  • Say that In Flames is metalcore
  • Remind them that Dethklok isn't real.
  • Tell them that listening to Cannibal Corpse will turn you into a serial killer
  • Say that Morbid Angel's 2011 album was their masterpiece
  • Call Dying Fetus a deathcore band
  • Say that real death metal fans wear ear gauges
  • Tell them to take a shower
  • Request that Hydraulic Press Channel do a video where he crushes his Amon Amarth t-shirts and CDs.
  • Say that death metal was pioneered by Despised Icon
  • When they ask you to growl, do a pig squeal
  • If they like Cannibal Corpse, tell them you like any of the albums George Fisher was on. This one works especially well on Chris Barnes fanboys

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

Metal website

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