Dianetics

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Original Title.

Dianetics is a registered trademark and the official scriptures for the Cult of Scientology. Its name supposedly means "through the mind" which might have something to do with brainwashing. But most readers find the book so confusing, obscure, and retarded that they believe that its name is actually a reference to phrases such as "over your head" or "nobody gives a fuck". The name is actually derived from the words "diabeetus" and "genetics", and refers to useless superpowers of fail all scientologists need to properly become an hero. It was originally called "scilon fu". Dianetics was obviously written by Batshit Insane L. Ron Hubbard in 1950 as an alternative to Psychiatry; which according to him, was the work of aliens and because he spent so much time writing this book, his findings are automatically scientifically valid. Hubbard believes that his book will guarantee you a better life or your money not back.


What The Hell is Dianetics?[edit]

Scientologists celebrating Dianetics Day

Dianetics outlines various basic Scientology concepts without actually going into the whole Xenu story because that would be bad for publicity. Everything revolves around the concept that man is and always was a spiritual being that lived past lives. The human mind, for instance, unconsciously stores and suddenly recalls various memories not only from one's own life but from other lives in different cultures, times, and settings, even lives as an alien. These memories when piled onto each other would cause a host of physical and psychological problems that might deter rational thinking and therefore cause suffering and negative emotions. Dianetics even states that various illnesses are directly linked to painful memories and uses that as proof against critics of the book no matter how implausible that sounds. The goal of this new science is for the reader to reach "Clear", which is kind of like the Scifag equivalent to Nirvana, but it also might have something to do with your bank account. A person could only reach clear by supporting Scientology's capitalist empire but unlike most Scientology programs, going clear actually has real benefits. These include:

And How is This Better Than Psychiatry?[edit]

Yes, a perfectly reasonable solution.

Originally, Dianetics was considered only an alternative to psychiatry and nothing more, in fact, Hubbard was greatly inspired by Sigmund Freud; then he started Fair Gaming him, a dead man. The success of the first sales of Dianetics books prompted Hubbard to buy a couple prostitutes and establish Dianetics centers across America. The evil psychiatrists already caught onto this scam and nailed Hubbard's associates for practicing Psychology without a license. This act truly opened Hubbard's eyes and he made a startling discovery about the field of science that he spent thirty years of his life in. This exact moment changed Scientology forever and led to quite possibly the greatest hypocrisy since religion itself.

Hubbard discovered that Psychiatrists are not interested in helping others; they only want to make money.

I'm fucking serious here, no matter how you look at it, everything goes back to that one moment. Think about that long and hard.

Hmm, Sounds Gay[edit]

Guess where Dianetics were published for the 1st time - in Sci-Fi Magazine

It is. Many critics actually took a day out of their lives to point out the bullshit in this book.

  • The American Psychological Association, Hubbard's worst enemy, stated that "...these claims are not supported by empirical evidence of the sort required for the establishment of scientific generalizations."
  • Professor John A. Lee smashes Dianetics Phoenix Wright-style: "Existing knowledge contradicts Hubbard's theory of recording of perceptions during periods of unconsciousness."
  • J.A. Winter, M.D, once a colleague of Hubbard, called him "absolutistic and authoritarian" and says his research fails to properly address "precise scientific research into the functioning of the mind."
  • A columnist for the New York Times said Dianetics is: "...full of shit, why was I forced to read this garbage, I don't know. I honestly need to be paid more if you want a good article on something this bad."
  • A student in the ROTC, not to be confused with the RTC, said: "...we got a couple guys together and shot the shit outta that book and had a beer. Man I dunno 'bout this preclear-shit but shootin' stuff makes me feel good."
  • The GNAA called the book "...worthless, horribly written, confusing, vague, bizarre, and just paranoid. Its not science, its paranoid." All the while encouraging one of its most gullible members to follow Hubbard's teachings, so they could make him even more gullible, and use him for such things as purchasing hosting services, controversial domain names and a new Slashdot subscription for timecop.

Despite its harsh criticism, the book is a bestseller, has a permanent five-star rating, and gets the best reviews from people that are not Scientologists. Dianetics is still being sold today and is the number one science fiction novel on the market.

Levels and Ability Information for the Scientologist Character Class[edit]

Watch out. That 3rd step is a doozy.

Dianetics is a lot like WoW in that you have to level up to progress, and pay way out the ass to do so. Here are the levels of Dianetics and the various character stat bonuses that you acquire as you reach each level:

OT I: Upon reaching this level, you will have a fresh viewpoint on the Matter-Energy-Space-Time universe, a viewpoint completely controlled by Scientology. Adds 10 bonus points to your Delusion stat.

OT II: This allows you to confront events that might have taken place during your soul's existence. Completely useless.

OT III: The Wall of Fire: This wall on fire. Wall so on fire. Feelin' hot hot hot! When you reach this level, the Xenu story is finally revealed to you. You should feel happy that you spent several thousands of dollars to hear a boring story about an alien and volcanoes. Get the spell "Wall of Fire" and your fire attribute receives a slight bonus.

  • WARNING: DO NOT CLICK ON THE XENU LINK UNLESS YOU ARE AT LEAST OT III, THE CONTENTS ON THAT PAGE COULD KILL YOU IF YOU CHOOSE TO READ THEM

OT IV: Drug Rundown: Get the drugs and GO GO GO!! Don't let the cops see you. For this course you have to pay several thousands of dollars to remove drug problems that you used to have in past lives. If you have a Chemist in your party, he's going to be pissed for wasting his time taking care of your dumb ass.

OT V: New Era Dianetics: I don't see what makes this New Era stuff so special, its still the same fucking thing. Here, you are exposed to the Second Wall of Fire, which is actually just a bunch of extra courses that explain that thetans comprise everything in the whole buttfucking universe, figures. At this point, your party will begin to notice that their money is disappearing much faster than normal.

This fucking bullcrap religion makes me RAGE

OT VI: Hubbard Solo New Era Dianetics Auditing: Now you have to do the whole freaking thing all over again, but this time, on your own. This entire level is actually just learning how to train other New Era Dianetics OT's called NOTS, as in "Nots gettin' no money". This level alone can run up to $40,000. Other Scientologists on your team will get experience bonuses, but its not like they're going to be any more useful.

OT VII: Hubbard Solo New Era Dianetics Completion: On this level, Aeris dies, you admit to your friends that you were actually impersonating another famous mercenary, and you realize that you were just a clone of your arch nemesis. Even though this level says its the completion of your solo training, its actually much longer than OT VI and its only purpose is to get rid of more body thetans. Gain the spell "Grab a beer and a bag of potato chips, this is going to take awhile"

OT VIII: Truth Revealed: Well its about fucking time! Actually, by truth revealed, they don't mean the secret of Scientology. Here, you learn about shit that happened during the whole track. You basically learn about the true cause of amnesia and the reason for your own existence. This is the highest level currently available to Scientologists at the moment and is only offered to the most brainwashed newspeakers in the religion. Here you gain the spell "Amnesia" which doubles your Special stats. Sweet! This is also the OT Level which you are revealed the greatest truth in the universe which is - Now I know who I am not, and I am interested in finding out who I am

OT IX: Orders of Magnitude: OT IX and onward have yet to be released to Scientologists. It is said that these materials will remain confidential and will not be released until Scientology grows in size; and since Chanology has gotten into full swing, we can expect to never see these materials, but who gives a shit anyway? The only known Scifags that have reached OT IX are L. Ron Hubbard and Stan Marsh. Other than being a kickass name for a heavy metal album, Orders of Magnitude may have something to do with a Scientologist gaining powers to directly control various elements of the universe. Gain the spell "Orders of Magnitude" which rocks the house down with hardcore heavy metal music.

Alternate 1st edition cover.

OT X: Character: Building character is something that many Scientologists need to work on, so you would think that this level would address that, unfortunately it doesn't. According to rumors, this course is supposed to deal with whole track recall. The spell "WHAT ARE YOUR CRIMES!?!?!!?" becomes much more powerful.

OT XI: Operating: May have something to do with auditing or enhancement of other abilities. Gain various healing skills from your training with the Operation board game.

OT XII: Future: May have something to do with predicting the future. Gain the spell "Back to the Future", which gives you an enormous speed boost.

OT XIII: This level is entirely unknown, but its probably not yet completed. Which is quite interesting, you would expect a religion to have everything figured out at once. A complete guess says that it just might be more training.

OT XIV: Again, this level has yet to be released until the next expansion pack. Some say that at this point they finally tell you that Scientology was a scam all along. But you probably figured that out anyway and wouldn't care because you would be making a shit load of money from other Scientologists anyway.

OT XV: Total Freedom: This is the last OT level that is mentioned but it doesn't have a name. If it really was the final level then it would be most likely be called "Total Freedom". Even though that sounds great, at this point in time you would be a complete slave to Scientology and you would be bringing wrath down upon those below you. At this point you will be trained to be more evil than Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, God, and George W. Bush combined. For reaching this point, you receive the most powerful spell in the game, "Total Freedom". This spell actually has nothing to do with total freedom (just like Scientology has nothing to do with total freedom, amirite?), instead it sends thirteen knights to pound the enemy relentlessly inflicting well over 9,000 damage. Jesus fucking Christ!

Dianetics launches media offensive[edit]

In the wake of massive pwnage by Project Chanology, Scientology has taken it upon themselves to spend their rapidly-dwindling funds on a hail of informative televisual advertisements:

See Also[edit]


Xenu homeboy.pngDianetics is part of a series on ScientologyXenu homeboy.png

[Flap! Blow Course!Raw meat take the bait]

LOL TECH:

DianeticsDisconnectionChild abuseSaint HillScientology's History of the UniverseSec CheckFreewindsSea OrgGlossaryReligious Freedom WatchVolunteer MinistersOSASpace Opera

SCILONS:

L. Ron HubbardDavid MiscarriageTom CruiseJoy VillaScientology AgentsTommy DavisRogues GallerySuri CruiseTerryeoHeaven's GateThe RegimeEvil Jacket GuyJoe FeshbachCharles MansonVaLLarrrTom NewtonJohn CarmichaelFreezoneCaptain Bill RobertsonDanny MastersonWill SmithOschaperKendrick MoxonTim ArmerJorge SerranoRon SaveloJohn TravoltaJett Travolta

NOTORIOUS SPs:

AnonymousWise Beard ManJason BegheGas Mask GirlMagooNew Zealand Fail GuyMessage from ScientologyShawn LonsdaleRorschachMoralfagsLeaderfagsRaidfag WenchJames PackerEpic Nose GuyLeah ReminiSusan J. ElliottStu WyattTommy GormanThe Unknown AutobotPsychiatristsMarcab ConfederacyDavid Wu-KapauwEpic Sword GuyAgent Pubeit

ENTURBULULZ:

PROJECT CHANOLOGYWhy We Protest ForumsA Scientologist's Guide to 4chanThe GeteratorPaul "Fetch" CarnesReligionIsFree.orgYou Found the Card/i/alt.religion.scientologyComplete binge of LEAKED SCILON DOX888chan

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