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Darth Cheney

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He's smiling because he just ran over a baby.

Dick Cheney is the bastard child of Emperor Palpatine, Darth Vader and Ayn Rand. During the anal-fuck fest, some of the fluids leaked into the vagina of his mother, and 6 months, 6 days and 6 hours later, Dick was birthed unto this world. An original founding member of the WNBA as well as (and not coincidentally) NAMBLA, he is currently the only person less qualified as a potential presidential candidate than George W. Bush, being evil incarnate. This is unfortunate, as he stands to inherit the position in the event of the impeachment or untimely demise of that awful jackass, which would otherwise signal the beginning of a thousand year utopia. He is the fucktard that controls Bush, and claims to neither be in the Executive Branch nor the Legislative Branch, only because he's Darth Cheney.

It is also believed he is Lord Xenu, God to many gays like Tom Cruise. He grew up in a Hick-ass town in Wyoming by the name of Casper, which explains his piteously warped mind. Currently he is occupied with his duties as an admin at BeastForum, while still trying to keep an ear open for every sad failure originating in that same filthy asshole of the universe, whose layers of puss and dried Michael Jackson cum will always hold a special place in his heart. As of late, he is the only thing the poor ass whore town of Wyoming has going for it, even though he is responsible for the severe shortage of squirrels in said town.

Heroic Achievements

Cheney and his negroid cousin giving a gun show for the ladies.

Although Cheney is rude, ugly, and enjoys biting the heads off of small animals in front of children, he acts as the primary comedic spokesman for several worthy causes, including gay rights, alternative energy, liberalism, and, most recently, gun control. Among his major accomplishments:

  1. Setting the stage for the annexation of Canada by the U.S.;
  2. Causing Michael Moore to appear subtle and considerate;
  3. Failing to destroy the world completely;
  4. Requesting and receiving no less than five deferments from the Vietnam draft, favoring the initiation of wars to actual participation;
  5. Shooting a lawyer from Texas in the face (widely regarded as the only truly hilarious act of gun violence ever).
  6. Getting his victims to apologize for being shot, raped, beaten, etc. repeatedly, ask for another and be praised for it.
  7. Holds the record for the most time playing Duck Hunt (this may have led to number 5).
  8. Reigning Firearm trick shot champion of North America. Won the contest in December of 2005 with the now infamous "Blind Willie" shot in which he hit his target with his eyes closed. "I didn't see him there" was Cheney's claim the day after hitting this miraculous shot.
  9. Two weeks later he was elected president of the NRA, and was inducted into a group known as "the White Elephant" in which immunity from all crimes against people and the state are granted. Other current members of this group include Ted Kennedy and George W. Bush and famous alumni include Ronald Reagan.

Criticism

OMG LOL DICK CHENEY .jpg
Chancellor Cheney.jpg

Cheney has often been criticized (vidya here) for his inability to feel or even fake human emotions. This is likely due to to a childhood bicycle accident, which caused his soul to cave in on itself, rendering him the essence of all that is foul and unholy. He also has distracting mannerisms and a tendency to repeat himself. Whenever he smiles, only half of his mouth is raised. This is because he masturbated into his mouth one day and his cum paralyzed his mouth muscles.

It is well known that Cheney feels that all non-Christians should be sent to special death happy camps where they will be put to work making Plastic Jesus H. Christ dolls, and then subjected to a final solution or two.

Darth Cheney the undead cyborg

Dick Cheney has no pulse, no blood pressure and no heartbeat; he should be dead but he refuses to die. His heart is damaged more than enough for him to be dead yet he's kept alive by having vital organs powered by an electric mechanical pump.

Instead of letting nature taking its course after showing symptoms of congestive heart failure, he underwent surgery to have a mechanical-electrical pump called a Left Ventricular Assist Device implanted his chest cavity. His heart no longer beats like a normal person's (because his valves are closed) but used as a bag instead. His aorta and left ventricle (heart) are stitched and sutured to a motorized pump which is attached to an electrical cable (that supplies power to the pump) comes out of his side (penetrating the skin) and is attached to a controller (can't be taken off) with the clunky battery pack (worn in a harness) wired to the control pack. The batteries need to be changed every 6 hours (he also has to keep spare ones with him) and when he goes to bed, he has to be literally plugged into an adapter in the wall. He has to take sponge baths (no showers, no swimming) because the controller can't get wet. It's a fact that everywhere Cheney goes, there's at least two ambulances and a heart surgeon following him; your tax dollars at work folks. He's too old to be on the waiting list for a heart transplant but he could try his luck by going to India or China for a fresh heart being the ghoul he is.

Hobbies

Torturing his dogs

Like every other politician created in the rat laboratory inside McDonald's HQ. Dickey enjoys plenty of pastimes. Among these are:

  1. Drinking chicken blood and cum. He usually likes to mix them.
  2. Throwing ghetto babies like darts into a spiked wall in his home, usually not caring if he gets a "bulls-eye" because he knows that he wins either way.
  3. Starting wars with poor countries and blowing up their asses, usually resulting in massive pwnage.
  4. Continuing the wars to cover up the truth.
  5. Hiding all the time, so he can have more butt secks with his boyfriends.
  6. Watching Star Wars for tips. He especially watches his heroes Darth Vader (until he saved luke in episode VI) and Emperor Palpatine (who was his childhood hero).
  7. Fapping to pictures of Ronald Reagan.
  8. Lobbying to raise oil prices
  9. Writing in his LiveJournal (link below)
  10. Shooting people and making them suck his dick later
  11. Getting over 9000 tips from his childhood pal Satan.
  12. Playing Croquet
  13. Getting off every time he sees the clip of the atomic bomb exploding in Hiroshima, Japan.
  14. Drawing in his DeviantART of his pony furries and the Grim Reaper
  15. Donating to NAMBLA
  16. Reading Communist literature
  17. Being a gay necrophiliac
  18. Anything else that involves fags, murder, and domination is fine with him
  19. Showing off his massive penis to jealous liberals. (see picture below)
  20. Calling things quagmires in '94 and then proceeding to assrape it in '03 (to give Halliburton epic lulz, apparently)
  21. Playing naked twister with Osama and Saddam
  22. Forcing other people to become An Hero.
  23. Heart attacks
  24. Treating his employees like shit.
  25. Tourting people before feeding them to lions.

Secret life

Dick, along with his boss underling "sponsor" George W Bush, is known for being extremely secretive about, well, pretty much everything including his black past with relatives. Little does he know we found his LiveJournal!

External Links

Cheney's Law

Darth Cheney
is part of a series on Politics.
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