- Hatreon (Donate)
- Web IRC
A Dildo is one of Man's Worst Enemies. A jumbo-sized replica of a man's cock (because your dick is too small, faggot), usually named in a comical manner. Some are casts from real men. Though, even then, they've probably been enlarged. (You faggot, a cast of anything can't be enlarged once it's created. Learn2science.) They are also sometimes a replica of an animal's cock, and then given hilariously pretentious names like "Thunder" and "Spirit".
Dildos are sometimes a good substitute for real cock, because dildos can last for more than two minutes in bed, and won't stop fucking you until YOU cum (they're probably larger than your boyfriend anyway). They won't leave you cold, alone, and unsatisfied. Unless you want to deepthroat that baby, in which case, you need to pay a visit to your local glory hole (if you're a faggot and you want the AIDS, that is), because latex and or rubber doesn't taste too good.
The First Dildo
Early Man made his bid to sentience by discovering he could kill animals and eat their sweet brain meats - unfortunately, animals ran away a lot. As a result the men had to hunt them over great distances and women, with their valuable wombs, were left behind - guarded by their children. Since children invariably have a penis too small for adequate penetration these women, with their biologically programmed lust for cock, inevitably invented a way of pretending that they had a strong, providing man with a prominent forehead. Thus was born the world's first dildo, and the women's famous propensity of living in a fantasy world.
Its name, roughly translated, meant "empathy of blood". It was communal in use until another woman discovered a similar rock that wasn't hackly - this one was named "son of mothering tribe" and had a vastly smaller fatality rate.
"Dildo" is also in pejorative use - like any good word - and is identical in use as words which refer to real penises but for the additional implication that one is not even real. Pinocchio was commonly called a dildo.
Sex Toys and Society
Dildos play many roles in society depending on what part of society the user is in.
Gay males view dildos as a safer alternative to getting a boyfriend. It's better to suck and ride a rubber pole than to end up with GRIDS. It's also ideal for closet homosexuals as a rubber dong won't out you on Facebook because he was feeling catty that day and yes, I mean you, Steve! In the case of furries where said boyfriend is most likely imaginary and can never exist because sexy dog men aren't real, the dildo becomes a physical representation of the imaginary boyfriend so the furfag can claim he totally got laid last night.
Gay females view dildos as the best thing since sliced bread as it allows two chicks to get it on in a way that doesn't involve just hands and tongues. In the case of a Bull Dyke or a "straight" trans man the dildo basically is used as a prosthetic penis for all intensive purposes. If she says she pees standing up she just might thanks to dildos. And then there are the trans female lesbians where that isn't a dildo. They don't get laid at all because lesbians don't like cawk unless it's 100% fake.
Straight females can supposedly get cock whenever they want so a dildo is them preserving their chastity. There is much irony in this concept. Chastity denotes an abstinence from carnal pleasures. Fucking yourself silly with a dildo is still carnal pleasure therefore using a dildo is not chastity. Also many females have excessive curves, individuality, spirit, character or other "positive traits" according to the SJWs and no man would touch them with a mile long pole. These creatures will typically pick the least penis-shaped dildo possible in an effort to stick it to the patriarchy. Oh yes, that will totally work....
Straight males can not use dildos unless they are closet fags or French and, trust us, nobody wants to be French. Straight Trans Women use dildos to prove they are women. The dildos are also used as part of the process of getting a fake vagoo and prevents the entire thing from sealing itself shut into a flat panel of nothingess with a tiny nub of flesh sticking out. This nub of flesh is known as an "Angry Inch" so if you see an angry Trans woman now you know why he's pissed. Fake vaginas prevent weak, unwanted male specimens like Weeaboos and Bronies from attempting to reproduce so their use should be encouraged.
Jews and dildos
It is a little known fact that Jews don't use dildos - they use cucumbers because it's cheaper and when they're done they can get a nickel for it from some homeless shelter. Jews experimented with hot dogs but later found out the kosher hot dogs would cost at least 100 more cents than they thought and that in most cases, they would break often falling inside, never to be seen again (and depending on if you did it anally or not, that shit can be hard to get out).
Canadian dildo use is so entrenched that they named a town after them. Although, during its early colonial days, there was a dispute as to where the dildo should go and, subsequently, the smaller township of South Dildo was erected close by.
- DILDOlover, a jewtube user who claims he loves dildos!
- HTS-Noob, who used a Highlighter as a dildo in his ass, with hilarious results
- Wikiphilia Scroll down to §Uses. You can't get better instructions than that.
- Giant dildo of death
- Goatse: what happens to fags if they liek it too much.
- Zeta toy, a company that makes dildos of animal cocks. Inform the furries and save a puppy from rape.
- Bad Dragon, a site that sells silicone otherkin cocks
- Baby's first dildo -Brought to you by the cultural marxists of post-america.
- ElypseArt.com Ultra-Realistic Canine Dildos With Inflatable Knot, Medical Grade Silicone
- Obama head o state dildo.
- Divine Interventions Classic site that sells dildos shaped like religious figures; I am disappoint at the lack of Muhammad.
- The dildo cart will fuck you in the ass or cunt while it drives along
- Sex Toys, Vibrators, Anal Sex Toys, and Dildos at Adam & Eve
Dildo is part of a series on
Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage.