Dolemite - not to be confused with dolomite, a sedimentary rock composed of calcium magnesium carbonate CaMg(CO3)2 - is SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS! Dolemite is a 1975 blaxploitation feature film, and is also the name of its principal character, played by
Rudy Ray Moore Dolemite. Moore Dolemite co-wrote the film, developed the soundtrack while taking a massive shit (on a white woman), did all the editing and foley work, built a Saturn-V rocket, punched the Grand Canyon, invented Japanese, fucked your mom, fucked you, and still had time to signify! Dolemite may be the only known example of a Triple Nigger.
Jesus fucking Christ, get out of the way! Dolemite is an unstoppable, whore-slinging, street-signifying, maelstrom of black sex and death. He is widely regarded as the most virile ape-man to have lived, and is single-handedly responsible for Africa, the color burnt sienna, and John Holmes' penis.
- Fucked your mom
- Fucked you
- Was run out of South America for fucking steers
- Fucked a she-elephant 'til it broke down in tears
- Fucked another elephant down to a coon
- Fucked the same damn cow that jumped over the moon
- Fucked yet another elephant and dared her to mutter
- Can look up a bull's ass and tell you the price of butter
- Punched the Grand Canyon
- Burnt sienna
- John Holmes' penis
- Long division
- IP Addresses
- UNICEF Good Will Ambassador
- Swimmed across muddy rivers and never got wet
- Mountains has fell on him (he subsequently did not die)
- Rode across the ocean on the head of his dick
- Ate 9 tons of cat shit and never got sick
Shit You Wish You'd Said
—Dolemite, to a white woman
— Dolemite, to a white woman
— Dolemite, pre-breaking off some buster ass white cops
—Dolemite, post-breaking off some buster ass white cops
The cast of the first movie is a veritable who's-who of niggerdom archetypes.
- Dolemite (Rudy Ray Moore): the
protagonistbaaad nigger. Dolemite is simultaneously a pimp, hustler, volunteer firefighter, radiologist, scrivener, signifier, and leader of an all girl army of kung-fu killers. He is seen jailed in the beginning of the movie, followed by a flashback of detectives examining the trunk of his car in which at least 100 stolen fur coats and over 9000 drugs were found. It is obvious Dolemite was framed, but he spends time in jail nevertheless. After he is released by the warden Dolemite attempts to regain his street cred and to reclaim his nightclub "The Total Experience" which was stolen by Willie Green. He is constantly having run-ins with a pair of detectives, Mitchell and White (OMGLOLBBQ!), who were responsible for his initial framing, and who are hell-bent on putting him back in the slammer. Throughout all of these trials he still manages to wear sweet vines and righteously signify, primarily in the company of old niggers who have difficulty standing.
- Queen Bee (Lady Reed): runs a whorehouse of which Dolemite is the part time owner. Queen Bee is a fat, butter-rolled, fleshglom, and is the only woman in Dolemite's household that he hasn't deep-dicked (she's got HIVS amirite?). Queen Bee provided evidence to the prison warden to secure Dolemite's release.
- Willie Green (D'Urville Martin): the
antagonistbad nigger. Willie Green is seen in the initial flashback as leading the setup of Dolemite. He takes over Dolemite's club "The Total Experience" while Dolemite is serving hard time with a bunch of rat soup-eating, honky motherfuckers. Willie Green and the city's mayor, Mayor Daley, have a peculiar partnership. The mayor will abuse his office in helping Willie Green avoid problems with the law, while Willie Green promises black votes for the mayor's upcoming re-election.
- Reverend Gibbs (West Gale): a melon-headed, dashiki-wearing black separatist who leads a radical church in the "Fourth Ward." He tips off Dolemite about the setup two years prior, as well as who is supplying drugs to the community. Also, he hides guns in coffins and likes to spank fatty-fats with a ceremonial ox tail.
- Mitchell (John Kerry): a corrupt, honky detective (redundant) who - under the direction of Mayor Daley and Willie Green - frames Dolemite and sends him to prison. When Dolemite is released, he and his partner White (YA RLY!) attempt to frame him again. Hilarity ensues.
- Blakely (Jerry Jones): an FBI man who lurks in the shadows, and knows why Dolemite is out on the street. When the time comes, Blakely rolls up in the Party Van and apprehends the corrupt detectives Mitchell and White, and the corrupt Mayor. CONTINUITY ERROR: A purported FBI agent, Blakely is black in all scenes.
- Creeper (Vainus Rackstraw): better known as the Hamburger Pimp, better known as King Sweet Shittington, better known as the fucking Reason For the Season. He is personified by his dingy T-shirt, characteristic pimp strut, and constant begging for spare change and free food. Quite possibly one of the most accurate portrayals of niggerdom of all time. Also, the motherfucker's real name is VAINUS RACKSTRAW.
Two words: HUMAN. TORNADO.
After finishing a successful comedy tour, Dolemite throws a get-together at his mansion. There, he announces that he is offering his estate to the person that started a drive for a new boys' home. At this point hilarity ensues. He is interrupted by the local sheriff, Bentley, and his deputies because they're a group of black people having a party, thus causing trouble (umm...d'urrr). Turns out the Sheriff's wife is offering Dolemite money for sexual services. When the sheriff catches them red-handed, he promptly flips the fuck out and shoots her. Dolemite escapes by rolling buck naked down a hill to his car. A bunch of random shit happens after which he and his friends kidnap a young
man fag and his car, and head to California to meet Queen Bee. There they find out that the local mob man, Joe Cavaletti, kidnapped two of his girls, Java and T.C., put them in a torture chamber, and forced Queen Bee to close down her joint and work for him. Disguised as a nerdy art salesman named Francot Delmonico Nickademous, Dolemite literally FUCKS THE WHEREABOUTS of T.C. and Java out of the nymphomaniac Mrs. Cavaletti.
Listen to me. He fucks her so violently that the entire room crashes down on top of them while she chokes out, "At the house. On the Hill. In Pasadena!"
Go back and fucking re-read the last 2 sentences.
The girls are rescued and they arrive at Cavalleti's party where a the rest of the gang is already busy kicking the shit out of everything that moves. Dolemite drags Cavaletti's honky ass to the torture chamber for a taste of his own medicine, but is followed by Bentley and is shot. Does Dolemite survive?
ARE FUCKING NIGGERS BLACK?! WHAT PART OF "HUMAN. TORNADO." DID YOU NOT HEAR?! OF FUCKING COURSE HE SURVIVES!