Dolemite

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Dolemite.jpg

The Man[edit]

Dolemite - not to be confused with dolomite, a sedimentary rock composed of calcium magnesium carbonate CaMg(CO3)2 - is SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS! Dolemite is a 1975 blaxploitation feature film, and is also the name of its principal character, played by Rudy Ray Moore Dolemite. Moore Dolemite co-wrote the film, developed the soundtrack while taking a massive shit (on a white woman), did all the editing and foley work, built a Saturn-V rocket, punched the Grand Canyon, invented Japanese, fucked your mom, fucked you, and still had time to signify! Dolemite may be the only known example of a Triple Nigger.

Jesus fucking Christ, get out of the way! Dolemite is an unstoppable, whore-slinging, street-signifying, maelstrom of black sex and death. He is widely regarded as the most virile ape-man to have lived, and is single-handedly responsible for Africa, the color burnt sienna, and John Holmes' penis.

Accomplishments[edit]

  • Fucked your mom
  • Fucked you
  • Was run out of South America for fucking steers
  • Fucked a she-elephant 'til it broke down in tears
  • Fucked another elephant down to a coon
  • Fucked the same damn cow that jumped over the moon
  • Fucked yet another elephant and dared her to mutter
  • Can look up a bull's ass and tell you the price of butter
  • Signified
  • Punched the Grand Canyon
  • Invented:
    • Japanese
    • Burnt sienna
    • Africa
    • John Holmes' penis
    • Long division
    • Conifers
    • IP Addresses
  • UNICEF Good Will Ambassador
  • Swimmed across muddy rivers and never got wet
  • Mountains has fell on him (he subsequently did not die)
  • Rode across the ocean on the head of his dick
  • Ate 9 tons of cat shit and never got sick


Shit You Wish You'd Said[edit]

   
 
Bitch, are you fo' real?!
 

 
 

—Dolemite, to a white woman

   
 
Bitch, you bring me these goddamn cotton dra - - you know I don't wear no fuckin' cotton draws!
 

 
 

— Dolemite, to a white woman

   
 
Man, move over and let me pass 'fore they have be to pullin' these Hush Puppies out your motherfuckin' ass!
 

 
 

— Dolemite, pre-breaking off some buster ass white cops

   
 
That's for messin' with me you no-business, born-insecure, mother FUCKERS!
 

 
 

—Dolemite, post-breaking off some buster ass white cops

The Movie[edit]

The cast of the first movie is a veritable who's-who of niggerdom archetypes.

  • Dolemite (Rudy Ray Moore): the protagonist baaad nigger. Dolemite is simultaneously a pimp, hustler, volunteer firefighter, radiologist, scrivener, signifier, and leader of an all girl army of kung-fu killers. He is seen jailed in the beginning of the movie, followed by a flashback of detectives examining the trunk of his car in which at least 100 stolen fur coats and over 9000 drugs were found. It is obvious Dolemite was framed, but he spends time in jail nevertheless. After he is released by the warden Dolemite attempts to regain his street cred and to reclaim his nightclub "The Total Experience" which was stolen by Willie Green. He is constantly having run-ins with a pair of detectives, Mitchell and White (OMGLOLBBQ!), who were responsible for his initial framing, and who are hell-bent on putting him back in the slammer. Throughout all of these trials he still manages to wear sweet vines and righteously signify, primarily in the company of old niggers who have difficulty standing.
  • Queen Bee (Lady Reed): runs a whorehouse of which Dolemite is the part time owner. Queen Bee is a fat, butter-rolled, fleshglom, and is the only woman in Dolemite's household that he hasn't deep-dicked (she's got HIVS amirite?). Queen Bee provided evidence to the prison warden to secure Dolemite's release.
  • Willie Green (D'Urville Martin): the antagonist bad nigger. Willie Green is seen in the initial flashback as leading the setup of Dolemite. He takes over Dolemite's club "The Total Experience" while Dolemite is serving hard time with a bunch of rat soup-eating, honky motherfuckers. Willie Green and the city's mayor, Mayor Daley, have a peculiar partnership. The mayor will abuse his office in helping Willie Green avoid problems with the law, while Willie Green promises black votes for the mayor's upcoming re-election.
  • Reverend Gibbs (West Gale): a melon-headed, dashiki-wearing black separatist who leads a radical church in the "Fourth Ward." He tips off Dolemite about the setup two years prior, as well as who is supplying drugs to the community. Also, he hides guns in coffins and likes to spank fatty-fats with a ceremonial ox tail.
  • Mitchell (John Kerry): a corrupt, honky detective (redundant) who - under the direction of Mayor Daley and Willie Green - frames Dolemite and sends him to prison. When Dolemite is released, he and his partner White (YA RLY!) attempt to frame him again. Hilarity ensues.
  • Blakely (Jerry Jones): an FBI man who lurks in the shadows, and knows why Dolemite is out on the street. When the time comes, Blakely rolls up in the Party Van and apprehends the corrupt detectives Mitchell and White, and the corrupt Mayor. CONTINUITY ERROR: A purported FBI agent, Blakely is black in all scenes.
  • Creeper (Vainus Rackstraw): better known as the Hamburger Pimp, better known as King Sweet Shittington, better known as the fucking Reason For the Season. He is personified by his dingy T-shirt, characteristic pimp strut, and constant begging for spare change and free food. Quite possibly one of the most accurate portrayals of niggerdom of all time. Also, the motherfucker's real name is VAINUS RACKSTRAW.



A Second Fucking Movie?! OH SH-[edit]

Dolemite Human Tornado.jpg

Two words: HUMAN. TORNADO.

After finishing a successful comedy tour, Dolemite throws a get-together at his mansion. There, he announces that he is offering his estate to the person that started a drive for a new boys' home. At this point hilarity ensues. He is interrupted by the local sheriff, Bentley, and his deputies because they're a group of black people having a party, thus causing trouble (umm...d'urrr). Turns out the Sheriff's wife is offering Dolemite money for sexual services. When the sheriff catches them red-handed, he promptly flips the fuck out and shoots her. Dolemite escapes by rolling buck naked down a hill to his car. A bunch of random shit happens after which he and his friends kidnap a young man fag and his car, and head to California to meet Queen Bee. There they find out that the local mob man, Joe Cavaletti, kidnapped two of his girls, Java and T.C., put them in a torture chamber, and forced Queen Bee to close down her joint and work for him. Disguised as a nerdy art salesman named Francot Delmonico Nickademous, Dolemite literally FUCKS THE WHEREABOUTS of T.C. and Java out of the nymphomaniac Mrs. Cavaletti.

Listen to me. He fucks her so violently that the entire room crashes down on top of them while she chokes out, "At the house. On the Hill. In Pasadena!"

Go back and fucking re-read the last 2 sentences.

The girls are rescued and they arrive at Cavalleti's party where a the rest of the gang is already busy kicking the shit out of everything that moves. Dolemite drags Cavaletti's honky ass to the torture chamber for a taste of his own medicine, but is followed by Bentley and is shot. Does Dolemite survive?

ARE FUCKING NIGGERS BLACK?! WHAT PART OF "HUMAN. TORNADO." DID YOU NOT HEAR?! OF FUCKING COURSE HE SURVIVES!

Dolemite in tl;dr Form[edit]

Use scrollbar to see the full text

Some folks say that Willie Greene,
Was the baddest muthafucka the world has ever seen.
But I want ya to light you up a joint and take a real good shit and screw your wig on tight
And let me tell ya about the little baaaaaad muthafucka called Dolemite.
Now Dolemite was from San Anton'
A ramblin, scamblin, gamblin little young muthafucka from the day he was born.
Why the day he was dropped from his Mammy's ass, He slapped his Pappy's face
And said, "From now on, cocksucka, I'm running this place."
At the age of one he was drinkin whiskey and gin.
At the age of two he was eating the bottles it came in.
Now Dolemite had an Uncle called "Sudden Death".
Killed a dozen bad men from the smell of his breath.
When his Unc' heard how Dolemite was treatin his own Maw and Paw,
He said, "Let me go check this little bad rascal before he go too far."
Now one coooooold, dark December night,
His Uncle broke in on Dolemite.
Now Dolemite wasn't no more than three or fo'
When his Uncle come breakin through the do'.
His unc' said, "Dolemite,
I want you to straighten up and treat your brother right,
Cuz if you keep on with your dirty mistreatin,
I'm gonna whoop yo ass till your heart stop beatin"
Dolemite sittin in the middle of the floor playin,
He said, "I see yo lips quivering Unc', but I don't hear a cocksuckin word your sayin."
This made his uncle mad. He let off with a right that made lightin flash!
But Dolemite tore his leg off. He was that damn fast.
Now all the men in San Anton' gathered around that night.
To see if they could do something about the little bad rascal called Dolemite.
It took a hundred of the baddest, the boldest, the ugliest men in town,
Finally rode Dolemite's ass down.
Put him in jail, held him without bail.
If you think his Mammy was happy You shoulda seen his Pappy.
Now it's been eight long years since Dolemite's been fed.
The average muthafucka woulda long looong been dead.
Now the warden called Dolemite. Said, "Dolemite, I'm gonna tell you what we gonna do
Now we gonna give you a dollar and a half and a damn good meal
If you promise to leave us alone And get your badass outta San Anton'."
Dolemite took the dollar and a half and the damn good meal.
And said, 'I'm gonna tell you old, jive, molded, ancient, decreppid, muthafuckas how I feel."
Said, "Ya'll can suck my dick, nuts, and ass down to the muthafuckin bone!
Because I ain't never comin back to San Anton'."

Now Dolemite wasn't no more than thirteen when they let him out the gate.
He said, "I think I'll go across sea an try my fate."
He got a job in Africa kickin lions in the ass to stay in shape.
He got run outta South America for fuckin steers.
He fucked the she elephant till she broke down in tears.
Now Dolemite worked for five years and day. Got his pay.
Said, "Well, I believe I'll go back to that jive-ass USA."
Where the news of the heavyweight fight Was being broadcasted that night.
And a special bulletin said, "Look out for storms, atomic bombs, and Dolemite."
Now the first thing Dolemite encountered Was two big Rocky Mountains.
He said, "Mountains, what ya'll gonna do?"
They said, "We gonna part, Mr. Dolemite, and let yo bad ass through." Now Dolemite went on down to Kansas City.
Kickin ass till both shoes was shitty.
Hoboed into Chi'.
Who did he run into but that bad ass Two Gun Pete.
He said, "Move over, and let me pass.
Before they hafta pull these Triple-A's out yo muthatfuckin ass."
Went on down to Forty-Second street
Not for no shit but some place he could sleep and eat.
He run into that Chi' neighbor.
Of all the ho's she was the boss.
She'd suck ya, fuck ya, and jack ya off.
She said, "Come on down to my pad Dolemite."
Said, "We gonna fuck and fight till broad daylight."
Dolemite said, "Bitch, I had a job Africa kickin lions in the ass to stay in shape.
I got run outta South America for fuckin steers."
Said, "I fucked the she elephant till she broke down in tears."
Mabel said, "I don't care where you goin and where you been."
Said, "I'm layin to wrap this good hot juicy pussy all around yo bad ass chin."
Dolemite said, "Bitch! It's best you not fuck with me."
Said, "I better run ya down some of my pedigree."
Said, "I've swimmed across muddy rivers and ain't never got wet
Mountains has fell on me and I ain't dead yet.
I fucked an elephant and dared her to mutter,
I can look up a bull's ass and tell you the price of butter.
I fucked another elephant down to a coon.
Even fucked the same damn cow that jumped over the muthafuckin moon."
Said, "I rode across the ocean on the head of my dick,
And ate nine tons of cat shit and ain't never got sick.
And you talkin about wrappin your good hot pussy all around my badass chin
Biiitch! You outta be blowin up my ass tryin to be my muthafuckin friend."
Whoa, but Mabel farted. That's when the fuckin started.
She made her pussy do the Mojo, the Popcorn, the Turkey, and the Grind.
Left Dolemite's ass nine strokes behind.
She through pussy up Dolemite's back, come out of his ear, down his side, run out of his pocket.
Damn near through his asshole outta socket.
But Dolemite suddenly made a Mojo turn
Had the crabs around that bitches asshole hollerin, "Burn, baby burn!"
But the next mornin they found Mabel dead.
With her drawers wrapped around her nappy-ass head.
And the crabs was madder than a muthafucka!
To see Dolemite beat em out of they goddamn supper.
But Dolemite kept on kickin asses and fuckin up in the fall.
Till finally his role was called.
They had his funeral. Carried him down to the graveyard.
Dolemite was dead, but his dick was still hard.
The preacher said, "Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust."
Said, "I'm glad this little bad muthafucka called Dolemite is no longer here with us!"


Signifying[edit]

Signifying on his trunk
Signifying on honkies dancing
Signifying on why niggers in the ghetto can't have shit
Signifying on DOLEMITE, MUTHAFUCKA. YOU HEARD HER!
Signifying on his agenda
Signifying on Signifying
Signifying on Existentialism

Other Niggers Trying To Be Dolemite[edit]

Son of Dolomite Meets Black Belt Jones[edit]

See also[edit]

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