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Dollfie

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pleese tell me you see dem too...

Dollfie is the catch all term for resin, ball-jointed dolls (known as Bishie Japanese Dildos to the elite). The actual toy beast of this name is made by Volks, a company which specializes in draining the money from Otaku: male, female, and shemale. They started out as plastic, Barbie doll sized toys and then when they arrived here from Planet Krypton, the yellow sun caused them to become Super Dollfies, monstrous menaces that range from 14 inches tall to fucking huge. Currently, only resin (*coughstillplasticcough*) dolls are considered to be real BJDs, and any dolls made from plastic and not held together by strings are not good enough.

Dollfies are considered the supreme ball-jointed dolls by those who collect such cash sinks due to being hand molded by virgin Japanese craftsmen and vampires. As everyone knows, anything the Japanese make is like, 500 times better than the American equivalent. It is also at least 100 times better than the Korean equivalent, though having a Korean doll is still considered all right, as it is far enough away to be considered exotic...and most people really can't tell where the fuck the dolls came from anyway.

Special option 'O' face
The prices on the dolls range from US $20 to $150 for the plastic dolls which do not matter to the 'true fans' and $250 to $13,000 for the resin super awesome kawaii models which anyone who is anyone must have. Collectors will then go on to amass a wardrobe for their dolls consisting of imported J-Rock, Lolita, bondage and Fruits (picture the bad fashion trends of the 80s, worn all at once) fashion. Each article of clothing will cost at least as much as a name-brand version of the human equivalent. Then there's dozens of other accessories that their dolls demand their owners buy for them. Yes. They really put it like that too.

Dollfie Collectors

You know how some weeaboos will try to dick-measure with each other over who the biggest otaku is? 'I only watch SUBTITLED anime!' 'Oh yeah? Well I only read UNTRANSLATED manga!' 'Fuck you guys, I import all my clothes and groceries from Japan! DESU!' The Dollfie collector is the one the Hello-Kitty-Vibrator using, bento box making, anime cel collecting, Japanese language and culture grad student with the Japanese girlfriend/boyfriend looks at funny.

Bjork Molests Ball Jointed Dolls



This was the The Sugarcubes' last Hit, a breakthrough on MTV in 1992, with annoying backing spoken-word vocals like that fag from the B-52's used to do. Don't remember either band? Congratulations, kiddies. Ask your broke, unmarried, bipolar uncle, and make sure you watch his hands at all times when they are not opening beers, pill bottles, or liquor bottles. When he asks you if you want to see his guns or knives, do what Nancy Reagan would do, and just say no.

Fun Dollfie Facts

Female BJD snickers at erect pencil dick
  • Dolls are anatomically correct. Some dolls even come with articulated penises for 'high noon' and 'just spooged' posing.
  • 200% of Dollfie collectors will take at least thirty pictures of their prized possession within the first hour of ownership, with 80% of pictures looking exactly the same.
  • 110% of male Dollfies are bisexual; they are gay for other dolls and straight only for their owners.
  • 95% of Dollfie collectors are batshit insane and believe that their dolls have souls and personalities of their own. ((Note: if you paid as much for a doll as these people, you'd demand it have a soul just so you could rape it and get your moneys worth))
  • 90% of owners believe that their dolls talk to them. Amazingly, only 20% of these tell them to kill or burn things.
  • 85% of doll owners use canon cameras to take pictures of their dolls because the popular dollgods do.
  • 80% of male Dollfies are dressed in dresses instead of male clothing, due to the demand for bottoms in doll yaoi and shota.
  • 10% of Dollfie owners wish to marry their doll or consider cheating on their spouse with one.
  • Half of the Dollfie population have Japanese names. The other half have Elvish names.
  • Any time two Dollfie owners are in the same room together, their dolls will be photographed having a hot, resin-covered sexual encounter with each other. The owners will only communicate to yell at each other for touching their precious failchild with their sticky fingers.
  • Whenever a new limited edition doll is released, collectors will automatically sell their older dolls and other worldly possessions so that they may buy it. This is so that they can remain a bigger fan than the other collectors.
  • Nearly all of these doll collectors either mooch off their parents or spouse/"soulmate". All doll collectors would whore themselves out in exchange for dolls if they weren't so hideous.

Types of Dollfies

Male BJD BAWWs and turns to yaoi
BJDs come in many shapes and sizes, all the better for raep!. The smallest are Rei-Tenshi, which look more like an aborted fetus than a doll. Multiple other kinds of dolls fall into the 'toddler' age range for your maid training pleasure or for the stop motion hentai one is planning of the raping of an entire kindergarten class. Next up is the Minis; they are made to represent elementary school children. They are always the subjects of doll shota and the much rarer doll loli. The start of this accursed trend are styled after 10 year olds and are no longer popular with the collectors unless some limited edition one is made. This is because 10 years old is neither young or old enough to cover most unhealthy sexual fantasies.

You can start differentiating the sexes by something other than what kind of bits they have molded between their legs by the SD 13 or so dolls. SD 13s are the most popular of this creepy lot. This is due to the heavy amount of bishounen dolls in this line, fueling the doll yaoi picture trade. The female dolls are favored by goth, lolita, and wapanese girls wishing to pretend they have perfect bodies. For some reason, skipping 14 and 15, we go straight to SD 16s. Their popularity is hampered by their limited production status, exorbitant cost, and the fact that they represent a legal age in Japan, some states, and Canada. SD 17, or 'almost legal' is the brand new line of dolls and a desperate attempt to appeal to 'normal' western doll collectors who fap to 17 year olds for their dose of deviancy. They have MOAR JOINTS than SD16s so they can bend over to suck their fellow dolls' flaccid genitals better than previously possible.

Of course, if you want dolls that have genitals that have the option of flaccid or stiffy, depending on your mood, as well as soft nipples, and a special 'O' face mold, U-noa may be the doll for you. Created by a hentai artist, Unoa are some of the hardest (lol pun) dolls to get your hands on, sold only by lottery. Beware though, because even articulated erect doll peen is still pretty small. I guess that's one thing the Japanese have that isn't 500x better than the western version!

By the way, pictures shown at right aren't from some perverted fantard. They're official promotional photos from the maker.

Den of Angels

Female BJDs have a much hotter time without him
The main hub of English speaking Dollfie collecting is Den of Angels, which is ran by a furry, cosplaying, professional animator named Aimee. This is the main hub of overpriced doll angst, woe and smut, run as stated by a furry. This isn't so much a factor as the fact that every person on the website is at least 50 percent Otherkin. In the worst way. If you wish to be anyone within the Dollfie collecting community, this is the place to whore.

Typical topics on the now membership posting-locked forum include 'Does J-Pop upset your dollfie?' and 'What's the most human thing your doll's ever done?' There is an entire contingent of posts devoted to 'letting your dolls speak', in a strange otherworldly form of LARPing, the 'dolls' (but definitely not the owners) speak on the interweb, complimenting each other's skills and setting up meets so that the dolls (and possibly not the owners) can have buttsex. This livening of the sex life is considered essential to the doll's spiritual health, because the forum members believe every doll has a "soul," which is usually an aristocratic gay demon angel rapist donkey full of sorrow about lost love and the forced abandonment of their beloved ass-child. Sometimes it's worse.

Aimee, queen otaku graciously runs the forum from the page of her very own Dollfie Camwhore website. Aimee decides who shall stay and who shall go, rather like Lord of the Flies, only with a lot more stupid and pocky. There are other, less important moderators but it is Aimee's site, gosh darnit! Be sure you are always happy, cheerful, and totally not mean at all, or the full rage of the Wapanese Dollfie community will turn on you, in a fit of Serious Business. The harshest sign of this heavy handed moderation is the fact that despite efforts to come vandalize this article, there's not a single post about it on DoA. That's cause they've all gotten the banhammer.

Being mean may or may not include the following:

  • Making fun of Aimee.
  • Making fun of the companies that make the dolls
  • Making fun of your own doll.
  • zomg pic theft
  • Ragging on other members of the community.
  • Overuse of the barfing cat smiley.


Deep, meaningful discussions may be held at the Den of Angels, including:

Den of Demons

The main drama central for Dollfies and similar dolls is Den of Demons which in contrast is run by Mwrells who doesn't even like dolls, but that's never stopped him from using them to lure his ex into his bed for rabid ass to mouth. Den of Demons was created by Nullcherri to release suppressed horror over the dollfie wapanese cunts. This forum has the barest minimum of moderation, allowing users to discuss controversial doll subjects. A day after its creation Nullcherri's account on Den of Angels, "Sour", was struck with the ban hammer.

Forum membership is composed almost entirely of forever PMS-ing women perpetually on their period, how they can still live with so much crotch bleed is unknown. Of these woman, 1/3 of them are considered PMS Overlords, and they mean serious shit when they're "LOLZ"ing at other peoples dolls. 1/3 are made of even more fail, trying to give the supreme PMS Overlords bitches something to "LOLZ" at in hopes of being accepted, but will always be bitched at by the PMS Overlords in a fail attempt to sound like Anon. The rest is composed of those that simply agree with everything the PMS overlords say, usually by quoting them and following it up with the word "this" and how amazing the person is and now badly they wish to have sex with them. All members also tend to be prudes for some reason despite all the doll raep, and often don't understand when a topic actually is hilarious.

There was drama from the beginning with the Den of Angels members crying photo theft, and demanding their pictures be taken down from the 'hate forum'. Like wussies, DOD gave in and now all wank that refers to Den of Angels has to link back to Den of Angels, making it a requirement to join DOA to participate in most of DOD. As a result, DOD can only exist as a bitchy parasite to DOA because without them, DOD would have nothing to talk about.

Because the forum was founded with the lofty ideals of making fun of obvious stupid in the community, the members always try too hard, hoping to sound like Anon. The only topic responses seen are a quote of whoever replied first stating the word "this" after or a quote the first PMS Overlord to post in the thread stating the word "this" after (OMG "THIS" SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING ANON WOULD SAY AMIRITE???!!!11). They're not funny, in fact, most of them will try to edit this article and rather than blanking it, they'll just add fail and unfunny.

Criticisms:

  • It's still pink
  • It's still about dolls
  • It's just as bad as Den of Angels
  • Fail

Distinguished Members of the Fandom

Confirmed eatbeast blastmilk and her astral plane lover break a camera.
  • Aimee - Ruler of Den of Angels, Queen of the weeaboos
  • Cassiel - Former mod who left DoA in a snit sometime in 2007, taking a few of the other mods with her to form a new forum called Resinality, which no one visits.
  • StephG - Adds real pubic hair to dolls and makes picture fanfic of pedo action.
  • KimP - Impossibly bad customizer. See the section at the bottom? She pwns them all for pure fail.
  • Kazakai - Scammer, wannabe shemale, painted one of her dolls with her 'moon blood'.
  • Mwrells - Donations pay his bills.
  • Trisha - Hot shit that smells like roses. Faggots know what she wants.
  • hiritai - OMGBESTPHOTOGRAPHER EVER!1!!1! In addition to her overrated photography, she also does overrated fics, writing about her doll that has a hueg dick with 13 piercings, or some shit. Loserfag who fucks kangaroos in Melbourne, Australia.
  • Guide - LOOK AT ME GAIZ IMMA TRANNY BUT HAAAY AT LEAST I DON'T RUB IT IN UR FACE. Also, spams hamster.
  • Hatten - Wants to bone the biggest fag ever see also AIDS
  • MiaisBrillian - This attention whore gives white trash a bad name. Srsly. Openly pays more attention to her dolls than her children, which may be why they were taken away. (Myspace)
  • sleep_pattern and Hawthorne Heights - Spends most waking hours upgrading their e-peens and then sucking off each other. Quite possibly the same person.
  • Renzi - Goes to art school GAIZ.
  • Chibaraki - Has a gaping maw between her stubby legs with enough room for the Human Centipede. Or a clan of cave trolls. Everything's got to be about her. Massive hypocrite who spends her days making fun of people on Den of Angels while also participating on that forum in order to obtain precious monies through sales threads.
  • PancakeGenocide - OMG GUESS WHAT MY DAD BOUGHT ME? EVERYONE USES HIS PROGRAAAAAAAAM.
  • Bojangles - Money whore. Will suck off your unoa erection piece for $50.
  • Dora - Chief supplier of porn featuring the goddamn Batman.
  • LexehAnn- Underage cunt who likes to spread her wapanese high school dramu and ugly dildos. Cycles through dolls as soon as they aren't getting her enough attention.
  • International Velvet - AKA Jessa. Wants to run away to Ireland, where she thinks honey flows and people will actually like her. Created another name when she acted like a fag to try and fit in and had conversations with herself on the board. Also likes to suck Hatten's and other long time members' cocks so she can be loved. See Attention Whore.
  • Muunu - Jamaican bitch who did nothing but whine about how she needed money while she watched movies on her plasma tv, then ditched and ran when she owed someone money. "CONSUELA GIVE ME MONEY FOR A BERMANN!"
  • Rosslyn - Ren Fair obsessed freak. Has mutant dolls that her minions support and call "beautiful." Thinks she will make a living selling her commissioned illustrations, seen here.
  • Most Everyone Else - See weeaboo

The Council of 13

There is an exclusive secret cunt club called the Council of 13 in the "The Hidden" section of the Den of Demons forums. This is comprised of the admin and a select few other members, and serves as a place for them to bitch about their boring lives as well as other members that they do not like.

Gallery

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See also

External Links


Featured article July 29, 2006
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