Don't Date Him, Girl

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I AM RETARD, HAER ME ROAAR!

Don't Date Him, Girl is a site used by womyn everywhere to chronicle every man who has ever cheated in a relationship. The site has recently appeared in the old media due to the fact the internet is serious business. A lawyer from Pittsburgh with herpes found out about his profile on it and then immediately pressed charges. Of course, this earned the site thousands of hits, and his own profile has been viewed over 9,000 times.

DDHG is worth checking if you're searching for someone's PowerWord: Real Name. Many of the posts contain lists of AIM handles, MySpace accounts, LiveJournal usernames, etc. Of course, this assumes your target has ever been on a date.

Selected Profiles[edit]

Jason "Whiskey Dick" Reed[edit]

Drunken, violent, abusive, lying, unemployed, fat sack of shit. Always bragging on what a stud he is. In the 18 months we dated (don't ask why. I was going through a really hard time and he made it harder) This bastard managed to achieve an erection a total of three times.

Dis' me, on right, man I got a beef wit dat ole Whiskey Dick; no man in his rite mine woont wanna dive in down bellow!

I wasn't there the first time, but he took a picture of it with the day's newspaper and e-mailed it to me. At work. My boss looks in on our e-mails at work. Not all of them, but of course he happened on that one. He called me in to a three-hour meeting with himself, the district manager, and the HR director to discuss appropriate use of company resources. In my heart I begged for God to kill me. God did not.

Dis' me in da Orko costume he makin' me weah! Shonuff takes off da pounz!

On his birthday, I finally relented and let him spread his He-Man action figures out on the bed. Somehow, that got him up. I sepped into the bathroom for two minutes to put on the Orko costume he had sewn for me over the last three months instead of looking for a job. When I came back to the bedroom he told me that he was already finished. He then wept hysterically for an hour and a half. I had to burp him and sing him lullabies to make him stop.

For our anniversary, he gave me eight of the ten free Azteca dinners he had gotten for getting his windshield replaced. I called him a terrorist and kicked him in the balls. I will charitably call that an erection although it was more of a general swelling in the area. We had to go to the emergency room. I will never understand how he managed to give me genital warts.

This sorry bastard is in serious need of mental help and drug abuse counseling. Don't get sucked into his whirlpool of lies. That 'program' he says is going to make him a billionaire is just a pyramid scam for putting up novelty condom machines in public bathrooms. If you see him on the street, kill him and feed the body to wild dogs.

Jody Lehman[edit]

Jody and I met in college. After we had dated for about 3 months, he started to poop his pants all the time, for no reason. And I was the one that had to deal with it. He always made me get him new pants to change into, it was horrible! This would happen 3 to 4 times a day. And he seemed to enjoy it..the bastard! It was like he could never make it to the bathroom! Also, he HATES freedom, whenever the 4th of July came along, he would just hide in his room and wouldn't go out to celebrate with me. Apparently, he likes to have his whole life dictated by some authoritative figure..whatever. So ladies, stay away from this pants pooping, freedom hating man!

B-Rad "A Work In Progress" Spellane[edit]

He claims he has lost about 40 or so pounds, but this man remains a behemouth. Or as a good friend said upon seeing him for the first time, "My God, he's the size of a mountain!" Now, one would assume to accumulate such heft, he would have a full grill. But alas, no. I kid you not when I tell you he has 4, maybe 5 MAX teeth in his mouth. And these 4-5 teeth have BRACES!

Thomas Harvey "Tommy"[edit]

This guy is trouble, he started dating me, and everything was fine but he was totally crazy. He said he wanted to try something kinky, and what he was doing felt funny, and when I turned on the lights he was trying to stick an stuffed armadillo in my bum! He made several passes at my sister, and had sex with my mother on at least two occasions, and she will not quit calling him. He almost spaced docked me until I found out what it was, and then I said no, but he tried anyway. One time he yelled MORTAL KOMBAAAAATTTT!!!! and tried to do something distasteful to me but I would have none of it. The final straw was when he pulled out my tampon when I was sleeping and threw into his roommates room...SOME EVEN GOT ON THE MAYOR!!!!!

Brian Kanz "Brian Christian Kanz"[edit]

Several years ago a friend introduce me (by email) to Brian Christian Kanz of Rapid City, South Dakota. We correspond for some time, then he come to visit me in Italy. He ask me to marry. February 2008 we marry and he return to USA for service in El Paso, Texas. And he forget me. I do not know he alive until I receive the divorce document November 2009. Of course, he is so stupid, he completely spell my name incorrect and I must many Italian bureaucracy repair this to divorce him here. On Facebook I meet the second wife of Brian, Jennifer Kanz-Lafuente of Pierre South Dakota, and she tell me how he also abandon her and the four small children after the arrest for touching a young girl and to look at the child pornography by work. I wish to warn all woman to avoid this man as so much pain he cause me, his second wife, and his poor children.

Jimbo Wales[edit]

See: Jimbo Wales.

Don't Date Him, Girl is part of a series on Dying Alone

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