|This person has Assburgers Syndrome, |
so you can't say anything bad! :-(
Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck.
Fursonas come in all shapes, sizes, and species. You have obese raccoons whose only goal is to become fatter by eating trash disguised as food, foxes who want nothing more out of life than to get fucked up the ass by every species on the planet, and otters who aspire to be great authors of our era. Sadly, these constitute as little more than "run-of-the-mill" for the furry community, as the extremes that exist within their vile ranks make the standard furry seem almost acceptable by comparison.
She lurks in the darkness of the dA forums, seeking out her prey. With a taste for trolls, she leaps from the shadows and into the spotlight, becoming the center of attention wherever her hunt may take her. Her fursona is so oddly specific, there could not possibly be a pack or tribe of her kind: She is a werewolf version of Canadian actor John Candy, trapped inside the body of a supposedly 40 year old aspie.
- 1 Artistic Endeavors
- 2 The White Knight
- 3 Fursona Swapping
- 4 Continued Trolling
- 5 Reactions to Encyclopedia Dramatica
- 6 EDF 2 Saga
- 7 Return to EDF2 and gross nudes
- 8 Nico's death
- 9 Quotes
- 10 Email correspondence with 78magnumXE
- 11 Galleries
- 12 See Also
- 13 External Links
Like most tartlets with plenty of time to spare, Mariana has a substantial body of work behind her. She has posted a minimum of three "stories" per day - as well as a varying number of "photomanips" sporadically over the course of a week - since she first registered her deviantART account in July of 2009. Yet, despite this body of work and the time she has spent on deviantART, she has only managed to amass 119 followers as of February 2012. Of course, this fact hasn't slowed Mariana down at all, as she has multiple submissions filed under literally every submission category deviantART has to offer. Now THAT'S dedication.
—Excerpt from "Monster world me"
—One of her more recent journal entries
A large bulk of her writing deals with her imaginary army of imaginary monsters, whom she sends after her real e-enemies to exact her "revenge" upon them. In their off-time, they'll fight imaginary crimes offline, hang out in an imaginary bar which caters exclusively to imaginary monsters, or hide in their imaginary closets (Mariana apparently does not understand the connotations that come with doing so).
Outside of her "Monster" series, she also pens a series by the title of "Tales From the Web" (Which serves more direct call-outs of her online enemies) and a number of one-off stories. They are childish at best, and unsettling at worst. To think that any one person could devote so much time to producing stories and still be such a poor writer is a baffling prospect, especially when it is taken into account that her choice of subject matter is more becoming to the works of a 4th grader than a supposedly 40-year-old. (she was actually born in 1990, and claimed to be older as asspies always do)
To read through the entirety of her written works would take more time to spare than anyone should care to calculate, let alone spend. To legitimately enjoy her writing would take the mental state of a thoroughly tasteless toddler.
- "The weregrinch in your closet" (In which Mariana alludes nearly a dozen times to "coming out of the closet")
- "Fright Force" (Roll call for Mariana's personal army of monsters)
- "Grinchin Out" (A story in which she murders a troll who made fun of one of her friends)
- "The Truth Behind ED" (Mariana reveals ED to be a front for "aliens from another universe" using tartlets "as test subjects for their bizzare experiments")
- "Monster factfile: EDiots" (Mariana continues to blow the lid off of the ED conspiracy!)
- "Night Of The EDiots" (Mariana finally solves deviantART's ED problem by pretending to slay our userbase in an unfunny Evil Dead parody! Notice her fixation with the handsome strong jawed shop assistant.)
- "School rant" (In which Mariana confirms she is a 10-year old girl trapped inside a 21-year old woman's body)
- " (Mariana describes how she could best her idol in a fight)
Her art, however, is far more convenient to flip through, and elicits far more lulz from the viewer. The majority of her artistic submissions are simply MSPainted pictures of her werejohncandy fursona, touching upon every variety of suggestive pose. Never mind the fact that John Candy was never much of "a looker" in real life: Slap a heap of fur onto his face and make him strut his stuff, and it's nearly enough to make you vomit in your mouth. Remember folks: This is how Mariana imagines herself as what she "really looks like", trapped inside her shell of a human body.
Her visual deviations will occasionally deviate from her so-called "norm". She hosts rather large photograph galleries, of her "friend" made up in various face-paints and her collection of children's plushies. She has drawn a number of celebrities in their animal forms, and concept art for her upcoming video game: Military Koalas: Marsupial Squadron. She has even paid tribute to the late "King of Pop" herself, as a redshirt from Star Trek.
Putting aside her repetition of themes and characters in her works, there are plenty of lulz within her gallery. From the utterly ironic to the hilariously inept, nearly every picture in her gallery is amusing in its own right. All that's left for her to do is post some proper Rule 34 of herself, and she will have officially dabbled in every genre of art officially recognized by the internet. However, until that day, there are still enough lulz to last a lifetime on her page right now.
For selected illustrations, see her gallery section here.
The White Knight
—Mariana, on the comments of "Month in Review: March 2010"
A project run by a group better known for their YouTube commentaries, DCQC is designed to troll tartlets with terminal cases of USI. The concept of fair use eludes their targets, and they cannot grasp the concept that someone has the legal right to review and mock their "art" under the fair use exception to copyright laws. After commenting on a laughable photomanip of a girl as a raccoon as part of a larger article about raccoon art in general, Mariana discovered the page and left a series of disapproving comments. It turned out that the picture was the work of a friend of hers, and that she was committed to having the article taken down. After a failed attempt at convincing the dA staff to get involved, and having temporarily hijacked another tartlet's complaint thread in order to rally users against DCQC (as well as further promote her friend's artwork), Mariana began to comment on other articles on the page, and to fight other tartlet's battles for them.
Mariana's comments teach a valuable lesson in irony, as well as the inability of aspies to realize when they're being trolled. When called out on being a shameless promoter for her friend and a creepy furry, Mariana responded by announcing that she was "actually a pretty nice guy". She would later "prove" this point by boasting that "a lot of [her] friends, and [her] family think [she is] a nice person", and that she has "donated to numerous charities". When it was later pointed out that she could not go a single comment without shoe-horning in an obnoxious number of irrelevant pop culture references, she stated that she is "quite an avid reader – [she has] not only all of Roger [Ebert]’s film books but [she] also [has] read Bruce Campbell’s autobiography If Chins Could Kill as well as Make Love The Bruce Campbell Way, [she] also thoroughly enjoyed Jay Leno’s book Leading With My Chin."
Numerous trolls and tartlets alike have begun to argue with Mariana on the comments of the articles, in the hopes of getting her to confess more lulzy secrets and leave more laughable quotes. Recent posters have taken to imitating Mariana, and causing her to rage about her "identity being stolen". As DCQC exists entirely to attract complaints, they have yet to "silence her", and don't have plans to. So long as this is the case, Mariana will likely continue to comment.
In November 2010, Habermann banned Mariana from METOKUR after months of her disrupting the site's activity. She still stalks their deviantART page daily and almost certainly attempts to post daily in halfhearted attempt to get unbanned and "apologize". Regretfully, METOKUR went offline in late 2012 due to the admin's loss of interest in the site, and the content on Mariana most likely lost forever.
Posts Mariana has commented on:
A decidedly obscure blog by the name of Slapstick Anarchy reviewed a piece written by Mariana entitled "I love Werejohncandyism", under the assumption it was an elaborate joke. When Mariana came to defend her honor, however, the author soon found that she was indeed legitimate. Overnight, rents' blog which had previously had no more than a comment on any of it's previous articles found itself knee-deep in walls of text, posted by none other than the werejohncandy herself.
Noting the success of her first entry, rents would later write two companion pieces, including an in-depth explanation of the anatomy of a werejohncandy, and a public service announcement detailing how to slay a werejohncandy. Mariana, in all her childish stupidity, mistook these joke articles for legitimate guides, and argued that rents had "got it all wrong", completely oblivious to the fact that nobody in the world takes the concept of her fursona seriously besides herself. She would enter pages-long back-and-forth debates with the webmaster, whom apparently had nothing better to do than to argue with an autistic 40-year-old men who believe they are werewolf actors trapped inside human bodies.
Posts regarding Mariana:
- This Week in Illiterature: The Life of a Werejohncandy
- Special Feature: Anatomy of a Werejohncandy
- PSA: Top Five Ways to Kill a Werejohncandy
—Excerpt from "Monster Form Switch"
— DrMusic2, on the origins of her disease.
Overnight, following this article going live and DCQC announcing it on their page, Mariana decided to swap out her fursona in a desperate attempt to avoid being trolled. Whole-heartedly believing that by announcing she was one species of imaginary monster instead of some other form of imaginary monster, that the Internet might leave her alone, completely oblivious to the fact that her claiming to be ANY BREED of imaginary monster warrants continued trolling.
Never mind the absolutely retarded idea that Mariana srsly believes - now that she is a "weregrinch" - that she is beyond mockery: The fact that she is now feverishly denying ever having been a werejohncandy is perhaps candidate for the single most absurd "turn on a dime" ever performed by a victim in the history of documented trolling. Since the day she joined dA, she had been claiming to be a "natural born werejohncandy". One sleepless night later, and her page now boldly claims that she is and has always been a "natural born weregrinch". How you can be "naturally born" as one species, and then claim the next minute you were "born" some other species is beyond me. Not even trannies deny that they were born as either a male or female before deciding to make the change.
Evidence confirming Mariana's past as a werejohncandy:
- "The benefits of being a werejc"
- "Werejohncandy tf guide"
- "Werejc facts"
- "History of the werejohncandy"
- "Brotherhood of the werejc"
- "Werejohncandyism For Nitwits"
- "Chronicles Of A Werejohncandy"
- "How to care for a werejc"
- "Werejcs and MJ"
- "Infamous werejc"
- "John Candy For A Week"
- "A Werejohncandy tale"
- "10 drawbacks to being a werejc"
- "About the werejohncandy"
- "The life of a werejohncandy"
It can be concluded from these so-called "stories" that Mariana did, at point in time, believe she was "born a werejohncandy." The reason for her deciding she no longer wishes to affiliate with her made-up species of make-believe monster is that she legitimately believes in her made-up monsters, and legitimately believes that her made-up weregrinches are beyond real mockery. Unfortunately for her, her monsters aren't real, and the Internet doesn't take kindly to sick fucks who have given up on humanity and wish instead that they were born as animals. As such, even as she pretends to be her new weregrinch fursona, she will still be subject to mockery, as she rightfully should be.
UPDATE: New fursona!
Elaborating on her fetish for transforming into overweight comedians, Mariana has now professed to be a Wereleno on her new dA account. That's right: part wolf, part Jay Leno, and part sasquatch turd. And as of late 2011, Mariana created the Werestallone, a.k.a. Stallonian, only to abandon it when Endsenten created photomanips that were posted on dA, eliciting many lulz. She has returned to the Wereleno fursona as of March 30, 2012, but reverted to the Werebelushi, half mangy wolfdog, part John Belushi that she used to great extent on the Blues Brothers Central forums in 2007 and 2008 shortly after, she continues to use the "werebelushit" as her fursona with signs that it is permanent. While it would be great if Mariana met John Belushi's fate, she will probably die alone in middle age in a group home atop a pile of her own shit with her Andria Kilgore doll between her legs with its head in her vagina.
—- CHIN POWERS. You can't make this shit up.
Trolling Mariana is just about as easy as can be, and keeping her continued attention is as simple as not giving into her demands: If she wants you to take down a copy of one of her pictures, rehost it on as many image-hosting services as you can and send the URLs to her. If she wants you to leave her friends alone, harass them until they leave deviantART. Whatever you do, don't believe her lies, and don't let her convince you that she's a "nice guy" (aspies are subhuman, and are incapable of emotion).
If you're too stupid to figure out on your own how to piss off a furry, here are some helpful tips you can use to pretend you're a troll:
- Suggest that a werewolf version of John Candy is a stupid fursona to have
- Suggest that a werewolf version of Jim Carrey as the Grinch is a stupid fursona to have
- Suggest that a werewolf version of Sylvester Stallone is a stupid fursona to have
- Call her out on her Elvira obsession and call her a cougar-chasing lesbian
- Remind her that John Candy died of a heart attack at age 43, and that Mariana "doesn't have much time left!"
- Remind her that Jim Carrey is a talentless hack, and that the live action Grinch movie sucked
- Tell her Steve Martin is better than Jim Carrey
- Say you like Were(insert another dead comedian)s better!
- Critique her art, and watch her accuse you of flaming regardless of how legitimate your criticisms are
- Make fun of her supposed friends
- Make fun of her supposed friends' pictures
- Remind her that online acquaintances are not real friends
- Remind her that only children believe in imaginary monsters
- Accuse her of being gay
- Accuse her of being egotistical
- Accuse her of shamelessly promoting for her supposed friends
- Any or all of the above, but on a site that isn't deviantART that she can't delete your entries on (Or have someone else do it for her).
- Tell her she is violating copyright law.
- Tell her that her "friend" Andria Kilgore is a sockpuppet
- Tell her that she will go to a group home or a mental hospital when her parents die
- Call her a "budos olah" (Hungarian gypsy term for "Stinky Gypsy")
- Make fun of New Zealand or Romania maliciously
Reactions to Encyclopedia Dramatica
On deviantART and DCQC...
—Excerpt from a comment on "Nathan F" on Encyclopedia Dramatica
On her personal blog...
Attempting to rally her imaginary personal army against ED.
And even on Encyclopedia Dramatica itself!
EDF 2 Saga
In July 2011, after the forums has been resurrected for the 2.5th time, an EDiot made a topic about ED's asspie brother METOKUR. A few posts after, something brown, furry and Canadian appears! Mariana Hanks started bitching about how she white knighted some furry chick on METOKUR, which caused her to be IP banned. EDiots quickly hung her up like a piñata and beat the lulz out of her. She continued to contradict herself in the thread, which turned into a "DrMusic2 Gangbanging Thread". Then, she made a thread pleading to Zaiger to take down her article, but she continued to make an ass out of herself.
—- DrMusic2, calmly telling those nasty trolls off.
Her spergings were then ignored by the Ediots in the thread. She blames this on ED's server and gave a suggestion.
—DrMusic2 knows CSIII
She repeatedly posted in the thread saying TAKE MY ARTICLE DOWN OR ELSE not knowing that posters on the thread aren't even EDitors or sysops (except for Zaiger). She was then instructed to get on IRC, but she doesn't even know what IRC is. After finally installing IRC, she instead went to some furry chatroom. Meanwhile back on EDF, she bragged that she has talked to sysops who agreed to take down her article.
Ediots demanded proof, which DrMusic replied with more white noise. Which then Zaiger replied:
—Zaiger puts the final nail on a weregrinch's coffin
According to eyewitness reports, the werejohncandy/werejayleno can still be seen roaming the internet wilderness, where she continues to post complaints on ED's page (which she then deletes an hour later).
Return to EDF2 and gross nudes
Over time the admins began to unban DrMusic from the forum for the sake of everyones amusement, and ban her again when her flood of butthurt threads became too annoying. Finally, after she began to E-stalk Zaiger she was banned for good.
But that was not the end. Its seems Mariana is too retarded to tell apart admins and mods from regular users, and began begging random people on EDF (including Negi Springfield) to have her article removed. In a final misguided attempt to get her article taken down she sent a repulsive, pants down picture of her hairy, AIDS infested sntch to random members of the forum she mistook for people with actual influence.
Most people simply vomited and ignored her, but two of her unlucky victims decided to take advantage of the situation by convincing her that if she sends them more naked pictures they can get Zaiger to take the article down. But soon it became apparent that she is too much of a retard to adjust her built in camera, and can not get her saggy tits in frame even when holding them up. To resolve this, an attempt was made to get her to do a live show on Skype, but then she lost her password and could not figure out how to get it back or make a new account. Finally, one of the two contacted her under the alias "Jessi", pretending to be a computer technician, and got her to give him remote control over the computer to do it all for her. (as well as getting her to sing "iv got a lovely bunch of coconuts")
At this point a new trolling opportunity presented itself. After the (un)wanted nudz were acquired she was once again requested to let "Jessi" take control of her computer and "fix" it , because 78magnumXE had infected her with a virus. She gladly let him delete everything on her computer THREE FUCKING TIMES and gave him access to her passwords. After it became apparent that Mariana somehow knows how to reinstall windows (a feat for any aspie like herself), they continued by shutting down her account on Youtube and Google+, replacing all the pictures in her Facebook account with her nudes for all her friends to see, and put all of her 2000 furry stories on Deviantart in storage, because deleting them was too much of a task (it still took her a month to realize they were not deleted), and replacing them with loli porn.
And here they are:
And the video:
Mariana's long-suffering 13-year-old cat Nico died just before Christmas 2011, supposedly of kidney failure, but ediots in the forums came up with a more likely and more lulzy explanation of the cat's demise and compared its death to that of Chris-chan's dog Patti.
— DrMusic, forgetting we have no heart.
In early 2012, Mariana's parents gave into her begging for another cat, and purchased two kittens, named Casper and Billy. Mariana claimed that Casper was returned to the pound, but for all we know, Mariana could have tortured it to death given the propensity asspies have for violence.
Discussion of Nico's demise continued on the forums, and Mariana continues to squirm at the mention of Nico dying of kidney failure, even more so when mentions of Mariana's current pet cat Billy being crushed to death under Mariana's fat asspie ass are seen. Billy died of choking on a cat treat early in 2013, the Hanks family has most likely stopped buying cats due to her parents' age, the amount of money spent on cat toys and food at PetSmart that could be used on plushies, vidya, McDonald's and plastic crap, and Mariana torturing the cats..
Email correspondence with 78magnumXE
With her rage showing no sign of subsiding, she continues to flood the mailboxes of various members of ED with retarded hate mail, greeting cards containing curses and other assorted crap. Here is a small part of the collection of endless hate mail sent to 78magnumXE:
- Thread on the forums all about her,
90+280+ pages and growing
- Current blog
- Dr Music's Tales of Amusement
Her Facebook profileBaleeted! Her JewToob accountBaleeted!
- eBaum's World account
- Current Yahoo! Answers profile
Her sperging on Ask.comBaleeted!
- Vimeo account, full of assburgers
- Her shitty singing
- Myspace Profile (Idle since January of 2009)
deviantART ProfileBaleeted! "Metokur" Complaint ThreadBaleeted! "Someone ignored my copyright notice and stole my art and put it on a website called "metokur.or""Baleeted!
- "Her Monster Wiki" - Had two articles and was vandalized to oblivion by EDF2 until she had to lock it so no one can read it anymore.
Here's the link to her own comment to this article where she victimizes herself  Remember to only add supportive and respectful comments
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|Featured article May 10, 2010|
| Preceded by
Lawrence Taylor / Catherine Deveny (Double Feature)
|DrMusic2|| Succeeded by|
|Featured article August 19 & August 20, 2011|
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