Dragon Age: Origins

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Dragonageboring.png

Drag Age: Boring is yet another click-to-win bore-playing game worshiped by basement-dwellers and neckbearded fucks alike. The game was defecated by Boringware, similar to other crap like: Baldur's Gate and Knights of The Old Republic, but more ugly, less fun and immersive, with the same real-time third-person unbalanced "combat" system and the most boring and uninteresting story line in role-playing history.

It's like playing World of Warcraft, except that your fights are fucked up by stupid artificial intelligence instead of stupid human beings. The game's best aspects are outside of combat, in the main menu, before you quit and uninstall the game. The recruitable non-player character's have well developed cinder block personalities, with asinine plastic banter between them, during long walks, so throwing your monitor through a window can be more justifiable. The main reason why they exist is to get your girl, boy, etc. - in bed, usually ending with awkwardly animated PG-13 softcore sex, where maybe you can spot half a pixelated nipple, so chronic masturbators can contemplate more on how deeply damaged their soulless lives are.

Backstory[edit]

Dragon Age: Origins

Something about some pagan guido fags breaking into heaven to excavate god's ass and take his loots. Unfortunately, this backfired and god pwned them all, but not before they touched his crib and spread their AIDS everywhere, turning his Golden City into the Black City. Along with polluting the divine condo, they were also transformed into twisted creatures that do nothing but rape, pillage, and kill everything they don't understand. And thus, the Darkspawn were born. Thousands of years later, after many failed attempts to destroy the world, they came back, yet again, to cuntwreck humanity.

Where You Come In[edit]

Depending on what sex, race, and class you pick, your story will begin differently (and it's damn pointless to tell you what will take maybe half an hour to knock out, so DO IT FAGGOT) but end up in mostly the same ways. Along the beginning, you can choose many paths, be it white knight, lulz-killer, overcompensating dick, or any other bullshit your character can talk its way into/out of. By the way, that's what you'll being doing about 2/3rds of the game - talking. A lot. A WHOOOOOOLE LOT. Talking to demons, your teammates, random people in the street, even a rock or two at some point. If there's any added benefit to it, you get some of the best means of spreading the soon-to-be mentioned Grey Warden's curse to some of these mundanes when it gets too agonizing to feign interest anymore.

Thus, after you start your "Origins", you eventually get carried away from your home/warzone/jail sentence... fuck it. You eventually end up in some place with a Grey Warden Commander who agreed to help the local king kill a few baddies and hopefully avoid a second apocalypse, or some tired shit like that. After this, you get to explore the town and meet an old woman who bitches too much even before you can use her in the game and a scheming kike. Later, you have a tutorial where you meet your first fuck-doll, Alistair (if you're a girl or fag; if you're a straight dude, you make a new bro). This upcoming tutorial mission will be spent one of three ways:

  • Mage : No one loves you. Probably the best class in the game, since you can cast spells thru the walls and doors, killing fucking everything in the room, without having to expose yourself to actual combat.

The mission ends when you meet/flirt with Morrigan, while your bros cry like virgins. From there you go to the Joining. In this "Joining", you intentionally drink infested blood mixed in with datura and fuck knows what else. Survive the trip, become a Warden. By the way, those other guys you and Alistair are hanging out with? Dead by midnight. Seriously. The rest of the game? Getting revenge on your sugar-daddy's death as well as on some guy, who's a back-stabbing cunt with trust issues.

Fuckbuddies[edit]

You can 'romance' characters, two of the opposite sex and one of the same, climaxing in a softcore cutscene of Secks. This is achieved through the time honored nice guy tradition of empty compliments, feigned sympathy for their problems and attempting the ply them with gifts. Because you're playing a fantasy game, of course, this works every time, although - the actual time it takes to achieve this varies, depending on how much of a slut/horndog the chosen character is.

Without any mod, "naked" characters have embarrassing white underwear on, but the cutscenes are in-engine, thus the character models from the game were used. So under Rule 34, guess how long it took for a nude mod to be available, in nanoseconds?

Anyway, here are the choices:

Morrigan.
Meh.

Morrigan[edit]

Gypsy wannabe goth whore with uneven petite tits, offspring of an old hippie hag who chose to live alone in the forest in her moth-eaten shack that she build herself from cob, but instead of clay she used her own shit in the mix. She can shapeshift into a trap if you're into that sort of thing. Despite being highly fap-worthy, she's the utmost definition of the word 'bitch'. She hates everyone and thinks people that can't and/or need help are all worthless plebeian shits who deserve to die. So don't expect any heals from her.

In order to stuff her meat hole, you need to be an even bigger asshole than she is, if that's even humanly possible. Only then, she will be in awe with your mesmerizing level of douchebaggery, drooling for your sack. So if you give money to a beggar or settle disputes between people, this bitch will hate your unattractive goody-two-shoes ass. Instead you have to spit in the beggars face and pummel his shins, and when you notice disputes between people, encourage them while shitting explosive diarrhea in your hands in order to throw it around to worsen the conflict. Only then her vagoogoo will drip like the Mayu river. Otherwise, if you're playing a female, she will fuck someone else from the party instead. If somehow no one manages to fuck her, she will get infuriated and ragequit.

At the end of the game, she demands a creampie from either you or some other sucker in your party, for the sake of shitting out some demon child that will take out the soul of an evil God thing, who will protect the guy who delivers the final blow to something or someone... wait wut? ... anyway, after all that happens, she will just fuck off, satisfied. Later, in a DLC, you track her down after the child-God-soul thing, and either kill her or run away with her in an unknown location.

Besides her eternal hunger for cock, her personal goal is to find a book of spells from which she intends to learn. This book is in the possession of another old tramp, called Flemehth. She's an incest master that loves lynching her own children and wear their skin in order to "remain immortal". After you kill this crazy woe, Morrigan will invite you to enter her tent, yet again. Somehow that dragon bitch mentioned earlier, ends up in Drag Age 2. I have no idea how, leave me alone, brain hurts.

Summary: ultimate Ho Ho Ho.





"Oh, mon dieu! Ooh la la! I weel play yoo ze song erf mah peeple!"
Much better.

Leliana[edit]

Frenchie bard who has found Drag Age Jebus. The only reason she joined your party is, what she believe was, a vision from God.

She's the typical fanatic fundamentalist suffering from the God delusion who never shuts her pie hole about God of the gaps or Pascal's Wager and how evil gays are. Ironically, she's a bisexual, and if you play a female character, she won't hesitate to scissor your legs to heaven. Later in the game, if you enter a church with her and decide to smear your boogers on baby Jesus's testicles, she will flip her shit and start attacking your sacrilegious ass. At this point, you can shove a crucifix down her throat to repay the favor.

Her personal goal involves finding her ex-girlfriend and mentor, Marjorlaine who has an even MORE irritating hon-hee-hon-hee-haw French accent. Once you've tracked her down, you can either kill her or... just leave her alone, so the whole point in finding her can get even more useless and retarded. A whole DLC is dedicated to her scissoring with this mentor cunt.

Leliana is sweet and pious but let's not forget, underneath it all, she is French, so of course, if you put the effort in, she bangs like a bunny with any race or sex (don't worry, though, there are no playable furries in this game, unless you count Morrigan turning into bears and spiders, but she won't yiff you like that). Anyway, you can watch this goody-goody convent girl squirm around with a bald female dwarf or even a black person, if that's what turns you on. To plow her ginger bush, you have to help every Hardluck Harry and Sally Sobstory you meet, while Morrigan vomits.

After you've taken the advice of Rene Descartes and stuck your baguette through her Arc de Triomphe, Leliana makes some genuinely chilling pillow talk about wanting to carve out your eyeballs and keep them in a jar as a sort of grotesque trophy, no doubt hinting at her true, psychotic nature.

She also makes a cameo appearance in Drag Age 2, calling herself Sister Nightingale and doing some shit no one cares about, and she also has a novel which nobody will read.

Summary: Bisexually randy Christfag, who would have thought?





Zevran[edit]

Fairy elf faggot of the game, and a great guy to have around. Disregard that, he sucks cocks. Srsly. Fruitcake who doesn't mind squirting into a chick now and then instead of a guy's caboose. Whatever your gender ingame, it's easy to boink him, much harder to get him to say he lurvs you. But why bother? He has an air of mild amusement whether you rescue kittens or set fire to orphanages. You can execute him as soon as you meet him in true fundie style, but you'll miss out on some lulz, e.g. - if you put him in the same party with the granny healer, he'll come on to her.

The first time you meet him, he tries to pwn you with his butt buddies, but you can decide to end him, tell him to fuck off or to join your party. You can later kill him if he gets to annoying. If he himself tries to leave, he can be "persuaded" to stay, by flashing your goods at him for a couple of seconds. He has no personal quest, I know, amazing. Although, later he meets an old taffy shag friend and if the player hasn't satisfied the weasel, he will betray you and attack you. At this point you can rip his ungrateful sack off and stick it up his ass. In Drag Age 2, he randomly appears in a forest chased by his old butt buddies for being a traitorous faggot, if saved he will aid you in the final battle. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!


Summary: Legolas with prenatal methamphetamine exposure attitude and a Eurotrash accent.


He whines A LOT.

Alistair[edit]

David Gaider's pet character that everybody has to be super nice to because he's so special and awesome, Alistair's the young warrior that grows a brohood with the player since they got recruited together. He's also half Templar because why not, so he's half against Mages. You can't get rid of this guy under any circumstances, besides one where he fags out and leaves. If you don't chest pump after every kill or some shit. He likes doing the "right thing", so in case Morrigan or Leliana pass out from too much booze, he will wear a condom.

Later in the game he admits he's the bastard child of the King and some crack den whore. Later in some novel, it's also revealed he's also half elf. His personal goal involves finding his dumbass sister, that when discovered, acts like a douchenozzle and massive whore. After that, you can tell him he's a whiny faggot to 'harden' him. Eventually, you can make him King if you don't fuck up the story line and, if playing a female character, you can fuck him and become Queen, like the ultimate golddigger bitch that you are.

Very popular with female players on the boards, but doesn't know a good thing when it flashes its twat in his face. Another upright sleaze bag repressed by religion. Plays shy and hard to get for female PCs, but unless she is a stuck-up human noble, he ends up ploughing her furrow then avoiding long-term commitment, like any normal guy. Irritating sub-Joss Whedon dialogue, complete with crappy jokes that'll make you want to smash him in the fucking face with a hammer. He shows up in Drag Age 2 doing all kinds of stupid shit no one cares about, and in the end he ends up a sad lonely loser, drunk in a tavern.

Summary: Well-acted simulation of a sexually repressed emo douchebag. He is totally not Carth from KOTOR.

Enough said.

Sandal[edit]

The only good reason to play this game is, by far, Sandal. The token dwarven retard who was too radiated from lyrium to say anything other than a few lines, and "ENCHANTMENT!".

While you will find other retards in this game (other dwarves, no doubt), Sandal is the only one that doesn't piss the fuck out of you so much you'd want to stab him, like the other mentally challenged characters you meet throughout the game. No, seriously, kill the other retards you meet. Please!

Besides giving rise to one of the only decent memes (and that's not saying much), Sandal is apparently also the strongest character in the game. Watch as you enter the first floor of the last level to see a room full of dead monsters with a lone Sandal standing there with his usual blank expression. Want an explanation for how this retard is apparently the new Chuck Norris? Your answer: ENCHANTMENT!



Summary: Down-syndrome lilliputian plump fuck toy.

Etc.[edit]

There are other characters you can recruit but can't shag. In order of descending desirability they are: the big foreigner, the pwned and converted villain, the trannie golem, the dwarf, the dog, and the granny. The granny has the same body model as the other women, but nag nag nag, get back to the mage tower. She keeps her legs crossed anyway.

Try getting Leliana to the "loves you but not ready to screw yet" stage, and then fuck Morrigan. Lulz ensue when you are forced to drop one of them. Guess which one is the most butthurt. Also, in the jailbreak sequence, send the two of them to pose as nuns and watch how full of fail Morrigan is.

It's also important to say that there's a whorehouse stage in the game called "The Pearl" in which you can have sex for a small fee. Fuck buddies along with a gay dwarf and a shemale elf will line up in hope you'll fuck them.

Combat[edit]

   
 
Are the character classes balanced? Excuse me while I laugh for an hour or so.
 

 
 

—probably some faggot that played the game.

The combat is the typical mundane and stale genre standard tab targeting system that every role-playing game used to have before developers grew a cerebellum and realized what a boring pile of shit these games are. Like in other role playing games, you can pause during combat and plan your moves ahead, because this is a fucking board game. Every fight can be won by engaging the enemy, clicking it, turning off your monitor and go about your business. Brain dead nerds enjoy it since it doesn't require any actual effort to win besides having better numbers on your shirt and pants than your opponent. You click, wait and win. The only "challenging" aspect of the game is when a certain enemy is deliberately made so he's a little bit stronger than the player can actually get, thus you're forced to waste your life farming for better gear and master your button smashing abilities in order to kill the bastard. These retards are called Bosses or Elites or some stupid shit like that.

There's actually no "combat" in the "combat system", since clicking on something while standing still and waiting for it to die doesn't qualify as "combat". That is if you don't "think" that some stupid animation stuck on repeat, of some fucker flinging a sword around like some spastic lunatic, not actually hitting anything, and numbers magically materializing from thin air - clogging up your screen, is actual "combat". Some may think this shit actually requires skill, hence you're stuck in a predicament of epic proportions that can be easily avoided by ignoring these drooling fucktards that suffer from delusions.

As with every role-playing game, you're forced to play in a "party" with characters having different "roles", but fortunately this is a single-player game, so you're spared the torture of trying to socialize with other weirdos and autistic dipshits over the internet, in order to advance in the game. But don't worry, the AI managed to be more useless and annoying than the average putz playing these games. Since now, you have to manually set up how the AI does everything, including: fighting, eating and sucking each other off in mid combat. The game offers the standard role-playing roles, like healing or being the guy with loads of health getting your face smashed in by the big guy while the healer repeatedly heals your face back out. The most important role is the damage dealer. This thing is in charge of, usually, getting behind the big guy and excessively poke the health bar down, by slowly stabbing it in the butt with a pointy stick. So in case you've played MMORPG games before and you're worried about retarded damage dealers that pull enemies away from the tank, healers that wait until you're dead to cast a healing spell or tanks that are asleep or to busy eating their pizza when enemies attack, or any other annoying idiotic thing people do in games, well, in Drag Age, the AI characters are doing pretty much the same shit.

As with every role-playing delight, the video game is unsurprisingly completely unbalanced. I won't get into detail since I don't want to kill myself just yet. But safe to say, this is as fun as a Pear of Anguish stuck up your fat urethra.

Structure & Plot[edit]

Map areas are gradually unlocked - this is no Oblivion or Fallout 3 for openness. There are side quests, all trivially simple. The main plot is mostly linear except for the old travel-the-world-recruiting-allies shtick, which you can do in any order. At least there are six different beginnings to the story, depending on what race or class you pick.

Side quests involve a variety of rewards (e.g. rape)

Your choices can change the plot in the sense of what characters do and say, and who dies at the end, but you can't change what you have to DO in the final third of the main quest sequence. It's always the same except for who's in your party and what happens in cutscenes. Among other things, you can:

  • Make Alistair BAWWWW and leave the party;
  • Tell anybody EXCEPT Alistair to GTFO (although Morrigan will still reappear demanding to fuck somebody);
  • Be an hero;
  • Make somebody else be an hero, see Fallout 3;
  • If you're a human noble female you can make Alistair king, marry him and be his queen - some fags have patched the game so you can be queen as a male, aka drag queen;
  • Marry the previous queen, newly widowed, but there's no sex scene so welcome to married life.

Fandom and Trolling It[edit]

Most of the fandom is concentrated on social.bioware.com. Here are some trolling suggestions:

  • Find the Alistair fanclub and repeat anything from the above paragraph about him.
  • There are some honest-to-god faggots who claim that Alistair sets off their gaydar more than Zevran does. Play them off against the girlgamers who jill to him.
  • Start a furry flame against anyone who says he sided with the werewolves against the elves. Since these are usually the badass "evil" players, they will freak.
  • Start a faggot flame against anyone who says he sided with the elves against the werewolves.
  • Vote for Alistair or Morrigan in 'most useless character' threads.
  • Saying Baldur's Gate or KOTOR is better than DA:O won't work. Choose a shit JRPG instead.
  • Or, if you really want to piss them off, mention...

Return to Os-DURR-gar[edit]

Bioware hambeast.jpg

Among the biggest pieces of drama in this game so far is among one of its biggest DLCs that could be considered simply as, "WHY wasn't this in the game in the first place?!" aka Return to Ostagar. Announced as far back as mid-November and STILL missing after two "quality delays" NOT ANYMORE SEE UPDATE, many of the fandom have begun to wonder if it will ever come out or if the expansion of the series, Awakening, will beat it come March. The part that really gets in the craw of most of these asspies is the fact that the DLC technically was released on January 5th, and some people do have it and have basically told what you get and what happens. In fact, thanks to An Actual Mexican on EDF let's just get that out of the way now...


   
 
YOU FIND CAILAN CRUCIFIED BY THE DARKSPAWN AND HAVE THE OPTIONS OF EITHER LEAVING HIM THERE, TAKING HIM DOWN BUT LEAVE HIS BODY FOR THE WOLVES OR THROW HIM A FUNERAL.

YOU FIND HIS ARMOR AND HIS FATHERS SWORD, BEST EQUIPMENT IN THE GAME BY FAR

BRING ALISTAIR AND WYNNE AND YOULL SEE THEM HITTING ON EACH OTHER BRING LOGHAIN AND WYNNE AND YOULL GET BITCHFITS
 


 
 

—Moar like An Actual Dickbag, amirite?

You've just been saved $5. Sound familiar to anyone?

UPDATE OMG?![edit]

Quite literally mid-EDit, it was announced that the 360 is going to get it as soon as yesterday, the PC has a hacked copy of it, and the PS3 players are still crying even though they FINALLY got it a week before Awakening's release.


Expansions[edit]

Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening[edit]

A huge waste of money which contains almost 2 hours of gameplay for around the original price of the main game. Part of the reason it's so short is the fact they level you up to level 18 by default, which considering some of the other things in this "game," isn't such a bad thing. If you purchase this you deserve to be shot several times in the face and are probably a necrophile and/or a citizen of Amaranthine. More on all of that later...

PLOT:
Assuming you didn't make a new character, which is a good idea because most armour you get from the old game suddenly fucking disappears on importing the faggot of a character (and considering you get some of the best armor creating a new character, there's no reason NOT to), you begin as your imported character from the last game, having finished being a giant fucktard in Denerim and its surrounding areas. As a reward for saving the country from Darkspawn and a giant AIDS-Dragon-God thing, you've been given the Arling of Amaranthine to command over, which once belonged to the scheming English asshole Howe before you shanked the bitch for causing epic ruin. Of course, no one mentioned it was all a derelict shithole, and that Vigil's Keep was basically a slumlord's worst nightmare. WELL GUESS WHO'S THE NEW SUPER? And so, ever so pissed, you begin at the castle, clearing out the cockroaches, riff-raff, and oh yeah, Darkspawn, you have come to realize that, holy shit, THEY CAN FUCKING TALK NOW. Anyway, some shit happens, HOLY SHIT ORGHEN AND ALISTAIR ARE THERE, and then the only woman you'll know for the first half of the game, besides maybe yourself, dies from the Joining. You then begin to help people who are utterly useless and are unable to complete even the simplest of tasks without help ("Hurr, we're fully-armed soldiers who can't clear out a basement full of Darkspawn, durr!"). Really, that's the premise of the entire expansion - helping people in the Keep and Amaranthine who are fucktarded until you reach the end, at which point you fight a giant, tentacle-wielding skank with 8 tits. As you're about to deal the final blow, the game turns into a movie and doesn't even give you the courtesy to give you a quick-time event or something to make the game worth it's near-full price.

<video type="youtube" id="1V1Xvzt300A" width="250" height="185" desc="Justice and Anders, catty lovers" frame="true" position="left"/>
CHARACTERS: You don't get to fuck any of them. At all. Nope. Why are you still even reading this? Fine, you want to know about the midget from the last game showing up again? Oh, the gay British mage who likes Kittens? No? How about the bastard son of the guy who's land you've currently occupied in the name of freedom? Sorry to say they are ALL you'll know for most of the game - while capable, if not over-powered, characters, you spend the next 20-30 hours in a Mantrain. Then later on, after doing some exploring around the whole 5 places you get to go in the game, you'll find another midget (this time with tits), an elven version of Morrigan minus the being a whore, and an asexual spirit that takes over another Grey Warden's body. That's right, instead of a giant or a golem, and to make up for the lack of faux-sex in the game, they give you a zombie, of which you'll probably only get to use twice unless you take him with you to kill the aforementioned 8-titted hambeast.

SKILLS/CLASSES:
Mostly just hacked improvements and lulz incarnate for some classes (Rogues get especially rape-worthy abilities such as "Ghost", a Bullet-time mode for Archers, and "Flicker"), and a few completely useless personal skills; unfortunately, you still need to master shit like Runecrafting anyway to make some weapons, so get to it fgt. The new classes are just like the classes from the last game - grossly overpowered and since they give you free experience points to get your characters to equally level with your main, you can max out shit like Blood Mage, Reaver, and the new shit like black person and Spirit Warrior without having to even kill anything for the first 30 minutes. As cool as some of these are, just remember that you'll only really need the first ability of any of the new classes, unless you want to just increase the rape factors.



Drag Age II: Electric Boogaloo[edit]

Dragage2.jpg


Typical letters from your sister.
Spoiler Alert: at the end of the game, you either side with the Jews and do WTC, or start the holocaust.

A notorious load of wank that did not improve in any way shape or form on it's bollocks predecessor. The computer game equivalent of polishing a turd, with even more grinding and magical bummery. You play as Hawke, an immigrant from the ancient realm of "Blah Bladidi Bla Blah", because he was escaping the nonsensical arse of the previous game, ironically landing himself in an even worse one. You get a whole new set of retards to track your every move, fight for you, and suck your penis like it was candy. Provided you do enough TL;DR talking. Merely mentioning this shittastic game within the domain of any RPG forum, or /v/ will expose you to large amounts of "WORST FUKIN RPG EVAR!!11" and "THAT GAEM SUKS MAJOR BAWLS GIMME BALDURS GATE ANYDAY!!1!". And unbelievably enough, for once, those flabby fanboy faggots and /v/irgins are actually right.

Plot[edit]

TL;DR: Every chapter of the game is the same, complete with recycled dungeons. The story of the game is unbelievably worse than it's previous installment; first the qunari appear in the middle of a religious flamewar between the ultra-conservative Christfag Chantry and the oppressed mages who, for some weird reason, won't just massacre everything with magic. Eventually shit blows up, some qunari faggot dies, and the resulting chimpout causes the protagonist to become the champion after he hangs the Arishok from a tree. Now that Hawke is some bigshot and is likely fucking all of his companions at once, the Mages and Chantry want him to pick a side. The player then chooses to either blow up a church in the middle of the Chantry, a fuckden where priests molest little boys all day, or to side with the Chantry and kill the mages one by one.

The story begins with a lilliputian greasy chimp, all hairy and wannabe slick, being dragged through a hallway in a room, for questioning. He is interrogated by some dyke, a member of the Seekers, an offshoot of the Templars, who are trying to determine how Hawke, our protagonist, started a war between the Mages and Templars. The greasy chimp, called Varric Someshit, begins to tell her the story. Although he doesn't know where Hawke is, he can still waste her time by making shit up.

The game starts with Hawke and his dumbass family running away from an army of Darkspawn. They fight the army alongside some Templar faggot and his butch wife they found along the way. Even tough one of Hawke's siblings must die since Boringware have something against happy families, the fighting ends when a huge dragon flies in from nowhere and fucks shit up, said dragon turns out to *really* be a whore (Morrigan's Mum Aka Capt Janeway) who can assume the form of a dragon. After making you her bitch by forcing some quest on you, she helps the party escape to a ghetto city across the sea where they hope to find refuge. Upon arriving in Boston however, the party finds itself outside the city, which is overwhelmed by refugees. The group is forced to call upon their pimp uncle, who forces them to either sell crack or munch some cock. Hawke then pays the bribe that the Hawke family needs to enter the city, and they take up residence in the ghetto.

After a year of either whoring or dealing, an opportunity of wealth presents itself: The chimp brothers Lardtits and Someshit are planning a treasure hunting expedition into Moria. Lardtits refuses to hire any more faggots but Someshit reveals that they desperately lack enough funding and knowledge of the region. Therefore, he approaches Hawke and proposes a partnership in exchange for the fulfillment of the two requirements. As such, Hawke embarks on a boring quest to whore himself and his dumbass friends for money and information.

The expedition proves both a win and a fail since Hawke's party survives. Hawke gets famous and wealthy, enabling him to relocate to a mansion in Beacon Hill. However, both Someshit and Hawke lose one of their siblings. During the expedition, a very powerful magical idol causes Lardtits to go permanently insane. Consequently, he betrays Hawke and Someshit, leaving them behind to hug with the horde of Darkspawn. Depending on the player's choices, Hawke's sibling is either killed by the Darkspawn taint, or is forced to leave the family to join the Templars.

Three years later, Hawke is summoned by the mayor to help resolve the nigger situation. The Qunari, who had arrived in Boston three years before, neither obey the laws nor seem willing to leave. While Hawke investigates the reason for their niggerness, the tension between the Qunari and the inhabitants of Boston escalates. An anti-nigger faction attempts to burn some niggers at the stake and make them leave the city, while wiggers join the Qunari to evade law enforcement. Also because there wasn't enough plot apparently, Hawke's whore mother is abducted by a blood mage serial killer who really wants to surf her crimson wave; Hawke finds and kills the faggot, but too late to save his whore mother that nobody cares about, but vows to find out the identity of the serial killer's accomplice, "Ohh", which also nobody cares about. Eventually, as Hawke discovers the nigger factor, the tension in Boston reaches such a height that the niggers decide to do what niggers usually do in this kind of situations and attack Boston to execute the mayor. Hawke's party successfully retake Boston and (if the player chooses) eliminate the nigger leader. For his actions, Hawke is declared the champion of Boston.

After another fucking three years, Boston is still a shithole that lacks a mayor due to the tyrannical rule of Knight-Commander Meredith and the Templars of Boston, who saw the nigger uprising as a chance to seize control of the city. Meredith turns Boston into a police state that she rules with an iron fist. Meredith is challenged by a master Jew, the head of the Circle of Magic in Boston, who tries to topple Meredith's leadership with public support. While the main duty of the Templars is to enforce justice amongst the mages and to prevent the practice of blood magic, they practically cause the opposite through their heavy-handed and kind treatment of the innocent, extensive use of hugs, unlawful treatment of mages, as well as their own decadence and corruption. Time and again, the clash between the Templars and the mages becomes violent and forces Hawke to intervene, especially when a group of anti-Meredith rebels kidnap one of Hawke's friends and hold it hostage, after which Hawke decides to fuck off from the conflict to avoid any more harm to his family.

Eventually, some Jew asshole decides to force the Templars' hand and, with or without Hawke's help, orchestrates a massive explosion that levels the Boston Naziden and kills some Nazi leader to whom the Templars bear allegiance. This act triggers the final decisive battle between the mages and the Templars across the city, in which the player must pick a side. Regardless of the side Hawke chooses, he ends up killing the Jew asshole that started it all, who is revealed to have been "Ohh", the accomplice of the man responsible for the death of his whore mother, and he also reveals he has succumbed to using blood magic, turning into a demonic abomination. Reaching the Gallows, the main courtyard and former prison of Boston, Hawke confronts Meredith, who he must send back to the kitchen (even if Hawke sides with the Templars), as she admits to buying the idol from Lardtits, which has corrupted her mind and has convinced her to go through a mass extermination of Mages. After she is killed, a Templar-Aligned Hawke is elected mayor, and he reluctantly accepts the position to keep Boston from being torn apart even more, and a Mage-Aligned Hawke unwittingly becomes the de facto leader of the Mage Rebellion.

As he concludes his story, Someshit reveals that Hawke's companions eventually drift apart and Hawke either disappears during his time as mayor, or leaves Boston soon after killing Meredith. It is also revealed that the Seekers are actually a group tasked with monitoring the Templars, Mages all over Dumbfuckistan have followed Boston's example and rebelled, and that the Templars have to fight the Jews. Satisfied, Cassandra tells Someshit that she believes Hawke is the only person capable of stopping the fighting, and lets him go when she realizes Someshit does not know his/her whereabouts. Outside, she meets with a fellow dike, and they both agree that either Hawke or some other guy must be found in order to stop the coming war.

It's worth mentioning that all except one of the companions in this game are pansexuals, due to BioWare's incessant need to pander to faggots, dikes and sick fucks.

Gameplay[edit]

Since everyone with vital brain cells knows that the standard tab targeting combat system in role-playing games is a prosaic stale waste, something unforeseen and astonishing happened, the embryonic comatose monkeys at Boringware decided to make the combat for their second game more action orientated, to the despair and misery of their basement-dweller neckbearded fans. Although this reaction was way to melodramatic and exaggerated, since the excruciatingly tedious combat system didn't actually improve at all, and in essence, remained the same pile of monotonous defecation.

The game introduces a new party system with controllable AI "companion" characters to use in combat, bringing new innovation to the sequel. Just like in the first game, you can choose up to three characters to bring along in your adventures. As usual, these companions have their own story and personality to enjoy, designed for people who also like giving names to objects around their house. Playing with these aggravating characters is mandatory, although never clarified why, since you might as well be playing alone. It is obvious that they were designed for the conventional "people" that play these games, who all lack any sort of social life and desperately need a form of human connection, even if it's only under the form of pixels.

In the actual combat, you can choose between party members, including your own character, to give individual orders to. Remarkably you can still pause the game, in case your pizza arrived or your hentai porn finished downloading. The whole purpose of this game mechanic is to interrupt yourself every nanosecond in order to give a different command to your party. Thus, the entertainment value of playing a video game is now reduced to the equivalent of watching ice melt, but the whole thing keeps freezing every second or so. As with the usual role-playing fetish, one cannot be without loot. You can find your typical Warrior salary inside a trolls asshole and any other gloves and pants that are regurgitated by the game's loot system, that most of the time you don't need. All the characters get experience that "levels" them up, so you can unlock new combat abilities like torching your testicles before teabagging your victims.

Quintessential to Boringware's pseudo story telling agenda, that aspires to immerse players into their bullshit fictional bromidic world, is the option to choose what the protagonist asks or answers when a dialog occurs. Just like in some other games, your actions are judged by your companions, even though this factor is completely and utterly irrelevant since these retards will follow you into the final battle unconditionally, regardless of what they think about you. In the end, the only purpose of this pointless charade is that a full friendship or a full rivalry give different combat bonuses. This game features a fully voiced main character, hence why his race is fixed, so playing as a lilliputian woolly black chum is out of the question. Certain saved information can be transferred to the game from Drag Age: Boring or Drag Age: Awakening, provided that someone actually gave a rat's ass about their old save files.

Characters[edit]

  • Carver: Your beta-male little brother that hates your guts because you're better than him. Spends 99% of the game being jealous of you, but isn't quite as whiny as Alistair. Uses a giant-ass sword because of penis envy.
  • Bethany: Your little sister, and a mage. Even more annoying than Carver. And no, you can't fuck her, you sick fuck.
  • Avelline: A butch ginger cop who spends the entire game crying about her dead Templar husband. Oh, and you can be the one to kill him for the lulz. Has a lame-ass PG romantic side quest.
  • Anders: A companion who returns from Awakening. Made a deal with Satan and now has a spirit of vengeance living on him that makes him murder religious people for the lulz. Oh, and when he isn't doing that, he cries about his cat and hits on you, especially if you're a man. Went on to do WTC.
  • Varric: A thieving, fanfic-writing dwarf with a big fucking crossbow and a ton of chest hair. Nothing to see here.
  • Merrill: An emo jailbait elf with a Welsh accent who cuts herself to damage her enemies. Blatantly made to cater to pedophiles, which means you probably romanced her.
  • Isabela: That nigger you can have a threesome with in Origins. Has more STDs than Lindsay Lohan, and is a negress, so at least its realistic.
  • Fenris: Another bisexual elf. Basically the twink equivalent to Merrill, and even has the Bishōnen look to go with it. Covered in tattoos that make him turn incorporeal or some shit, which makes buttsex with him easier.
  • Sebastian: The one heterosexual companion in the game, due to him being a Christfag who thinks God hates fags. Gets butthurt when Anders blows up his church and demands a Jihad on mages.

See also[edit]

External Links[edit]


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