Dune

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He who can destroy something truly controls it
 

 
 

—Paul Atreides, telling it like it is

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Dune was the first book in a decent Sci-Fi series by this guy named Frank Herbert that shows that even the best of books can become a steaming piece of cinematic shit despite having a good director like David Lynch, when the Jew producers have too much power and control too many parts of the movie making process. If you're a geek girl or a woman (or fag) 40 or older you probably only know the movie because of Kyle McLachlan and Sting.

Despite Frank and his wife becoming Worm Food, the series was continued in zombie form and raped beyond recognition by his son Brian and his gay lover Kevin who were looking less to continue the series and more to continue their San Francisco, bath-house and dinner party lifestyle when they were living on Frank's dime. The book has strong elements of ephebophilia (Paul is 15 at the start) and penis and size envy as everyone, man or woman, are trying to ride the largest of worms as a type of sand nigger bar mitzvah, though they're future muslims, not jews.

Recurring themes throughout the series include selective breeding and eugenics to produce the Uber Menschen along with the 2 historical uses for women. The first being a cock cozy and the second being a hired bad bitch whore/assassin that can slip a couple milligrams of cyanide into some basement dwellers corn flakes and then steal your weed and shitty bitcoins with no one noticing her.


Premise[edit]

The universe of Dune is set in what can be described as the Dark Ages in Space, after in the ancient past robots tried to destroy mankind and, though humanity won in the Butlerian Jihad, the war got the Earth nuked. Computers like navigation systems, calculators, Playstations and the HAL 9000 have all been declared illegal and can basically get you burned at the stake if you're caught with them. Faster-than-Light Travel only became possible with the discovery of the Spice Melange, a magic narcotic that granted people mental superpowers like extreme intelligence, seeing the future, and in massive doses, Faster-than-Light navigation. Melange made computers obsolete once and for all (replacing them with Melange-addicted Albert Einsteins called Mentats) while making spice the center of the galactic economy. Unfortunately, the Spice is extremely scarce for it can only be found in the shitty desert planet of Arrakis, because Spice is literally, the shit of giant aggressive sandworms native only to the planet. Yes, the universe is run by Coprophilia. The result is that the Human Empire had become a constant playing field of multiple Great Houses and factions engage in political conspiracy, intrigue and backstabbing power-plays for the total control of Arrakis and its supply of magic worm shit.

Later, you find out that Arakis is a desert because sand trout, the larval stage of the sandworms, devour all the water and then join together creating living cisterns. As noted above, the feces and other organic bits of the worms/sandtrout/whatever accumulate with the water and eventually blow the fuck up, like a big desert fart that kills anyone near it, but also brings the precious Spice to the surface.

The Books[edit]

Dune 1[edit]

Dune 1 is a generic Hero's Journey, detailing the early life of Paul Atreides, the son of Duke Leto Atrides with Lady Jessica, a member of a cult of addict witches known as the Bene Gesserit. House Atreides (basically House Stark from Game of thrones, all about honor and duty and all that moral shit) was becoming the most popular and hottest shit in all the Imperium, threatening the power of the jelly Emperor Shaddam IV of House Corrino. The Spacing Guild, who can see the future thanks to their supply of spice gas, feared Paul Atreides in particular as he would soon be a threat to their Spice addiction. To take the entire House down, they teamed up with the Atreides' mortal enemies, House Harkonnen, ruled by a fatass named Vladimir. They came up with a plan: give the Atreides rights to Arrakis, so that the family will move there, when in fact it is a trap wherein the Emperor's elite Sardukar troops along with the Harkonnens will strike at them from behind and kill every last Atreides loyalist. The only survivors who escaped were Paul, Jessica, possibly Duncan, and Jean-Luc Picard.

Paul and Jessica were lost in the desert until they were found by the indigenous tribesmen of Arrakis known as the Fremen. What happens after is basically the plot of Avatar: After immersing in their sandnigger culture and proving his worth by riding a giant worm, the Fremen begin to believe him to be their saviour, the Kwisatz Haderach. He also drinks a poison called the Water of Life (sand worm vomit) and becomes a psychic superhero. With an army of fanatically loyal sandniggers and his superpowers at his disposal Paul essentially reinvents Islam and declares his great Jihad against the Harkonnens and the rest of humanity. The Harkonnens were exterminated, the Emperor was publicly deposed, and Paul marries Princess Irulan, making him the successor to the Iron Throne- I mean Arrakis and the galactic supply of Spice Melange.

Dune 2[edit]

   
 
I'll cuckold you and dare you to expose me.

Cuckold me all you wish ... but no child.
 


 
 

—Conversation between the Princess Irulan and the Emperor Paul Mua'Dib who does not want to sire the Antichrist

Hippie Frank realized that he had, in his shroom-stupor, inadvertently wrote a novel praising Fascism, Drug Addiction and fuckin Jihad and people loved it. So he wrote Dune: Messiah in an effort to "undo his own work."

Set a few years after the conclusion of Dune, Paul's jihadis - who make the Third Reich and Taliban look like Sesame Street - have essentially conquered the Empire to the tune of 60 billion lives, making Paul Atreides the Emperor. As quoted above, bitches all over are scheming like crazy to make babies with Paul. A nuke goes off in his capital which destroys his eyes, but since he's a magical nigger, still has vision despite lacking eyes. Blah-blah, lots of political bullshit, Duncan is brought back into service as a mentat but is really an unwitting part of the plot to topple Paul but he gets to bang Paul's teen sister, so bully. TL;DR - Paul eventually knocks up his woman, she squeezes out twins and dies and Paul goes stage 4 emo and runs away leaving his psychotic sister Alia in charge.

Dune 3[edit]

The Lady Jessica, Paul's Mother, turns against these evil kids (now 9 years old) because she wanted Paul to make babies with Princess Irulan. Pissed off, Lady Jessica leaves the planet with Captain Picard so she can have someone to knock boots with and because he isn't above or against her making plans to kill off her grandchildren. She returns to Arrakis at the order of her Sisterhood (Bene Gesserit/Space Witches) because her daughter and the regent, born fucked up thanks to Jessica's junkiewhoredom, has gone full blown Captain Howdy. Alia tries to have Jessica assassinated, but she's too crazy to get it right, plus Jessica is a high riding bad bitch despite her flaws so she escapes with a bunch of sand niggers who are sick of Alia's shit. She eventually fucks off to another planet with Duncan (also done with Alia's rapey derangement) and leaves Jean Luc in charge of her conspiracy on Arrakis.

Meanwhile, Paul's kids who were born fucked up like his sister thanks to drugs and their engineered genome, manage to not lose their shit and set their own scheme into motion. Lots more political shit, some tigers, moar demonic possession, Paul returns as a hobo street preacher. Leto gets nabbed by Jean Luc and molested and drugged by an evil sand nigger who hates the Atreides. He nearly ODs but "masters" the spice and learns what it was that his dad failed to do because he's an emo faggot - basically become a human-worm symbiont and tame all of humanity to the point that they can't stand it anymore and explode into the universe beyond the reach of any one power.

In exchange for never being able to fuck, Leto II gains impenetrable armor and immortality along with every weeaboo's fantasy of marrying his twin sister. No Wincest. And Alia has a pretty lulzy death scene - probably the best part of the book.

Dune 4[edit]

Frank gets up on his soapbox for this one. Says that 3500 years of brutal despotic rule will make humanity so sick of kings, that when the empire falls, everyone will become anarchists. Quite understandable since the only people allowed to be in the military or have weapons are ass-kicking, fanatic women. The Virgin Leto is metaphorically and literally cucked and then killed by his bitter cunt niece and pet Chad Clone in yet another marvelously lulzy death scene.

Dune 5 and 6[edit]

Frank's wife and defacto first editor died so there is no one to reign in Frank's bullshit, so he goes nuts. Set 1,500 years after the death of Leto, the old Empire no longer exists so it's basically the Sisterhood, the Tleilaxu, and Ix (techfags) acting as the major powers. However, literal trillions of people fucked off into unknown space after Leto died, and they're now returning and freaking the shit out of everyone, especially the Honored Cholas, superviolent cunts who move faster than you can detect and have mastered pussywhipping to the point where any man they fuck is their complete slave.

The Bene Gesserit know what's coming. Armed with a Duncan clone who is programmed to dickmatize any woman who tries the Great Pussy Whip on him, a sand negress who can command the Worms, and a hot military daddy badass, they bait the Mexican Feminists into destroying Dune while they escape with the only remaining worm that they use to turn their home planet (Chapterhouse) into a new Dune. The Tleilaxu get utterly pwnt, too.

TL;DR - Bitches chimp the fuck out, dozens of planets are destroyed, but the Space Witches win (sorta) in the end.

The Prequels aka Jumbo Crayola Shit Brian and Kevin Made Up[edit]

A bajilion years in the future, mankind has spread out over dozens of hairy and not-so-hairy balls that hurtle through the emptiness of space and established an empire. However, being lazy fucks (most likely caused by centuries of interbreeding with the brown races), our descendants decided to use the few IQ points they had to develop automation technology and eventually artificial intelligence to do everything for them, harkening back to the golden days of Earth's civilisation.

Aaaah, the good 'ole days (notice the black robots)

However, a fuddy-duddy party-pooper called Tlaloc saw this and proclaimed the whole humanity to be decadent and weak, creating an ideology that would be the cause of much lulz shortly afterwards. Though he was regarded as a lunatic and a radical, Tlaloc's ideas were picked up by a bunch of impressionable faggots that eventually usurped all power and named themselves the Titans. The Titans were ironically even more lazy than the guys the buttfucked into submission and promptly moved their brains into a kickass cyborg machines of war and rape, however even this wasn't enough. One of the titans - a genius named Barbarossa made the computer networks and black robots even smarter. They naturally rebelled and proceded to assrape everyone but the Titans, whom they made their bitches.

Who's laughing now meatbags!

Thus the majority humans were ruled over by cold hard shiny robots, with about 10,000 worlds remaining free and brave under the League of Nobles. Getting bored, the machines started waging war upon the free humans, while at the same time, proceeded to mindfuck with the ones they had. This proved to be a very bad idea as they used the one thing that is the mental equivalent of C-4: religion. Having killed some bitch's baby on live TV in a lulzy fashion, the enslaved humans erupted in a such furor never before seen, and while the machines were busy exterminating the chimps in what was called the Butlerian Jihad, the League nuked the capitol of machine empire - Earth and proceeded to steamroll over the machine controlled planets. Thus a new empire was established that did next to nothing for the next 10,000 years until the books could begin.

Deus Vult motherfuckers!!!

Factions and Faggots[edit]

Bene Gesserit[edit]

A Cult of witches who secretly control the galaxy through the use of prostitution, conspiracy, drugs/poisons, and hypnotic voice to gain political influence, not unlike the feminists of today. The main difference being that they don't ally with niggers and faggots (who all died in some grand jihad long ago). These space feminists are trained to rock the cock and manipulate religions so that people obey them. They are also aware enough to know that a male with their powers would naturally be stronger than all of them combined but still want to manipulate and control him.

Fremen[edit]

A tribe of humans descended from a bunch of religious idiots who thought it was a good idea to emigrate to Arrakis where they worshipped the native sandworms. Due the sake of survival, Fremen culture considers water to be extremely precious, which was why they invented Stillsuits, which encased the whole body and recycled any excess bodily moisture or fluids into drinkable water. In simpler terms, Fremen drink their own recycled sweat, piss, and even the liquid from their own shit. They also believed Paul Atreides to be Jesus.

The Spacing Guild[edit]

Hardcore junkies that can't go five minutes without swimming in the damn spice (literally). Their highest ranking members eventually start tripping balls so hard that it begins to alter their bodies until they resemble - we shit you not - floating cocks with laser-firing vaginas for mouths, or space bats. These repulsive mutant addicts are only tolerated because they are the only ones with the ability to safely navigate hyperspace (no computers allowed as space catholics banhammered them millenia ago, but people sorta change their minds after Leto's bullshit).

Mentats[edit]

Due to the aforementioned catholic chimpout of 12000 AD computers were outlawed throughout the imperium but this created a serious problem - without their 1337 rigs, how were humans to do all the boring math and look at pr0n on the interwebs? While the latter was never really solved (rape and voyeurism filled that void), the former was with - you guessed it - drugs! Turns out that drinking a certain plant juice you could turn an even a plain nigger into an ubergeek hax0r on steroids amphetamines. They generally serve a walking calculators and wikipedias, making them somewhat useful.

Landsraat[edit]

Turns out that even after 23,352 years, the gubmint is still full of incapable assholes and retards, only these are also the imperial nobility. Cutthroat politicking and scheming are mandatory skills.

The Emperor of the Known Universe[edit]

A figurehead who sits on his sapphire throne on Kaitain and generally does fuckall, aside from drinking spice-wine, plotting against the noble houses and banging his Bene Gesserit ˝advisors˝. If you manage to kill this fucker, your house becomes the imperial house and you the new emprah, so at least there is that. Gets usurped by Paul Atreides and the self-proclaimed God-Emperor of Mankind Leto II.

Bene Tleilax[edit]

Sterile incels who turned their entire female population into mindless genetic engineering and incubation chambers that don't say no and pump out various biological horrors, Chad Gholas, armies of shapeshifting assassins and eventually, the precious Spice. They mock everything, using multiple layers of irony and satire. Despite striving for genetic perfection their leaders are puny, big-brained dwarves that resemble gargoyles. Tleilaxu are the main antagonists in book 2 but then become progressively weaker after each installment until they are genocided by Mexican Feminists, but not before cloning all the main characters from previous books because Frank is a hack.

Ixians[edit]

Located on the very edge of Imperial space, the Ixians are that small fringe civilization who decided to just say "Fuck You" to the whole religious Butlerian Jihad bullshit, developing artificial intelligence while fooling everyone that "it ain't AI." However, they produce the best and most advanced technologies available in the universe, meaning the Imperium can't just Jihad them to submission. After the Emperor Leto died, the Ixians invented No-ships, which are immune to prescient detection and are capable of FTL navigation- making Melange, the central cause of all the conflicts and drama in the Dune universe, practically obsolete.

Jews[edit]

   
 
But their secrecy is such that you could work a lifetime beside a jew and never suspect. They call it Complete Cover
 

 
 

—Frank Herbert is Woke

Yes there are actual Jews in Dune 6. The twist in book 7, The Jews of Dune, was that the Jew who joined the main cast would betray everyone and start Kralizec but Frank mysteriously died before he could finish the series. Anything written after Chapterhouse is SHITTY fanfic at best.

Other Books[edit]

Abominable mockeries that you should never waste time reading. Clones galore. Subversion within subversion within subversion. Brian rapes his father's memory every night while Kevin watches as he masturbates with his dragon dildo. Remember, if you want to read Dune, then pirate it because Frank's dead all the money is going to his even more talentless son.

Movies[edit]

   
 
I was raping Frank Herbert
 

 
 

—Jewvadorsky the Judas


The first Dune movie was never completed as a result of sabotaged so the Jews could remake it into their own image as Star Wars. The second Dune film had some great scenes that are immediately ruined by cringey lines. They also made a TV miniseries that sucked balls.

YouTube[edit]

Curb your Avatar flashbacks, it's a giant man-eating worm not a leonopteryx
If thinking out loud annoyed you in movies like Waterloo, this movie is for you!
People remember the meme-worthy intro more than the movie itself, which is a shame
Kids probably didn't know they were dealing with a Baron expy when playing this game
A review of the Lynch 1984 movie
A video summary of Book 1-6 or Game of Thrones in Space
Wait there was a TV series? And it was as bad as all StarGates except SG-1?
Someone lower the Toto music there's a serious battle happening here
Gay, Fat and Jewish, the trifecta of evil- also Sting cameo
Fast Travel hasn't been the same since GreyWorm Express became defunct

That one song[edit]

Gallery[edit]

See also[edit]

Shit that Dune is better than:

Shit that rips off Dune:

  • Halo
  • Islam
  • Star Wars
  • Game of Thrones (As mentioned before, House Stark is based on House Atreides. Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen are both Paul Atreides ripoffs, and Bran Stark in the end of the series is basically Emperor Leto II)
  • Warhammer

External links[edit]

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