Are you problem free? Are you an enlightened, happy, content human being who merely uses the internet for a bit of light-hearted fun and relaxation after a productive day of study and/or work? Do you have a wonderful life filled with good friends, good food and good times?
Thousands of people think that you don't even though they have never met you.
These people are called e-Psychiatrists.
For example, if you get into fun argument with somebody on the internet about something trivial, the e-Psychiatrist will instantly tell you that you have an antisocial personality disorder or a schizoid disorder.
The diagnosis of an E-Psychiatrist can be used as e-vidence against you in an internet trial, and are therefore often employed as consultants by e-lawyers. Note that e-Psychiatry should never be used in concert with an e-meter, as Scientologists are opposed to all forms of psychiatry.
e-Psychiatrist Cheat Sheet
Want to be an e-psychiatrist? Easy! Print out this easy-to-follow table and be a star!
|Subject mentions an old argument as evidence in a new argument.||Subject has issues with clinging to the past.|
|Subject think that he would probably be turned off if that chick he was talking to revealed that she had a penis.||Subject is clearly homophobic.|
|Subject is riding the lollercoaster.||Subject has Stockholm syndrome.|
|Subject is a fake journal.||Subject has multiple personality disorder.|
|Subject has no legs.||Subject is former president/socialist FDR.|
|Subject possesses strong command of telekinesis.||Subject needs to be liberated from The Matrix.|
|Subject plays WoW.||Subject has little social life, few IRL friends.|
|Subject plays WoW more then ten hours a day.||Subject lives in the basement of his sixty-year old mother, is fat, never leaves the house, doesn't see anyone IRL and has forgotten their name except for their IG call sign.|
|Subject posts "lol" or "+1" a lot.||Subject is too mentally retarded to write a correct sentence or likes to suck up on others.|
|Subject says "I have a strong personality."||Subject was beaten by parents as a child.|
|Subject claims to be "emotionally sensitive."||Subject is a pussy and is scared of anyone that looks at them in the eyes.|
|Subject claims to be "young but sexually mature."||Subject was raped as a child.|
|Subject claims to have a "healthy life."||Subject is fat and does little exercise.|
|Subject claims to be "a little overweight."||Subject is a massive fat-ass.|
|Subject claims to have a great "inner beauty."||Subject is ugly and tries to compensate by forcing their friends to say how nice and helpful they are.|
|Subject claims to have "a strong character."||Subject is a pain to live with, doesn't accept refusal, will not compromise and doesn't perform blowjobs. Ever.|
|Subject claims to be "athletic and in good shape."||Subject has nice tits and/or is a homosexual man and is asking for some hot sex in a subtle way.|
|Subject claims to be a "trustworthy friend."||Subject will listen to hours of their stupid friends worthless lives if they can fuck them eventually.|
|Subject claims to "understand women."||Subject is either gay or very patient at awaiting sex from their friends.|
|Subject claims to be a "young poet with dark thoughts and a pessimistic view of our society."||Subject is emo, listens to My Chemical Romance, likes to dress as a goth and has problems with his/her parents. This subject may also refuse to accept that no one cares about their thoughts or feelings.|
|Subject says that "he/she will commit suicide before reaching 30 years of age."||Subject is emo, but will eventually get raped at a Marilyn Manson concert, common sense will break out once she realizes her life is fucked up and return to a normal life.|
|Subject claims to be a "timid, well-behaving individual."||Subject will do anything to have a taste of your cock/pussy if he/she can be sure nobody else will know about it.|
|Subject supports "peace and love" and wants people to "stop fighting all across the world."||Subject has no sense of perspective and little understanding of anything more complicated than children's books.|
|Subject claims to have a "healthy marriage."|| Male: Subject drinks a lot, beats his wife and children.
Female: Subject's husband cheats on her.
|Subject claims to be "sexually proficient."||Subject masturbates a lot and is a virgin.|
|Subject claims to feel "uneasy with homosexual people."|| Male: Subject secretly dreams of having a cock rammed up their ass.
Female: Subject secretly dreams of being scissored.
|Subject admits to an "occasional drink or two."||Subject is a drunkard.|
|Subject owns a blog, Facebook, and posts videos on YouTube.||Subject has difficulties communicating IRL.|
|Subject likes to show their tits and/or remind everyone that they are single.|| Subject is a virgin, fat, ugly, socially inept and wants nothing else but to get themselves fucked by anything with a dick |
|Subject wants to have a "serious relationship with someone."|| Male: Someone they can fuck without being drunk.
Female: Someone they can see again after one night of sex.
|Subject claims to be into sports.||Subject has most likely watched a football game once.|
|Subject claims to be into music.||Subject has been on YouTube lately.|
|Subject claims to know all about women.||Subject downloads a lot of porn.|
|Subject claims to have a lot of female friends.||Subject is still a virgin, hasn't ever managed to score with any of his friends and has to settle with listening to their female whining.|
|Subject claims to enjoy the company of children.||Subject is a pedophile.|
|Subject claims to be between the ages of 10 and 16 and likes older guys.||Subject works for the FBI.|
|Subject claims to like animals and has many of them as pets.||Subject is into furry porn and fucks his/her "pets" on a regular basis.|
|Subject claims to have a military background.||Subject is an internet tough guy. Probably plays Counter Strike.|
|Subject claims to be a Satanist.||Subject listened to Cradle of Filth once while fapping with his best friend.|
|Subject claims to be into metal.||Subject once downloaded a Dragonforce mp3 and kept it on his hard drive even though he hated it, just so he could claim to be a metalhead.|
|Subject claims to be a guitar hero.||Subject plays Guitar Hero.|
|Subject's son fell out a twenty third story window.||Subject is Eric Clapton.|
|Subject claims to use torrents a lot.||Subject is a winrar.|
|Subject thinks being "real" is their best trait.||Subject has a small vocabulary and uses "real" as an antonym for "stuck-up"... meaning subject is a slut|
|Subject believes in conspiracy theories||Subject is easily impressed and lacks the attention span to research that truth is more boring than fiction|
|Subject claims to be an American liberal atheist||Subject is mad at their conservative Christian parents for "brainwashing" them and thinks they know everything despite not reading books.|