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As of 2006, the government is watching your emails, so you'd better stop e-flirting with that 13 y/o tranny, you fucking pervert.
Email is a service of the Internets that reminds you what drugs you need to buy to fix the parts of your body that are too small (your penis, boobs and butt) and the parts that are too big (everything else). Email also lets you know about important investment opportunities such as insider stock tips, super-safe nigerian banking deals, and totally real Rolex watches. Email is also the only place you can buy peniz pillz, which make your peniz ready for surprise sex. It is the only medium with which the hundreds of organizations that randomly select an email address to award a cash prize to can contact you. Al Gore puts these essential messages in the "Junk" folder to trick you. Sometimes the folder is called "Spam". This is because email tastes like crap. All other messages are useless and go in the inbox.
There are 3 kinds of email addresses:
The normal kind with a name and maybe a number (email@example.com), the "other" kind (firstname.lastname@example.org) and the kind which you just want to sign up for massive amounts of gay porn *hint* *hint* (email@example.com) .
In the late 20th century, at least 100 years ago, people finally got hip to the realization that the $3000 486SX Packard Bell PC they bought wouldn't allow them to hack into NORAD's mainframe and start World War III, à la David Lightman in Wargames. Feeling slighted on their costly purchases, they decided to phone up Al Gore, Governor of the United States of Tennessee, to bug him for a solution. Unfortunately, they couldn't, because Motorola RAZRS hadn't been invented yet. So they enlisted the help of introverted, gun-toting, homicidal/suicidal maniacs, also known as the U.S. Postal Service, to pester Gore. Gore answered the prayers of the people and created Skynet. After Skynet blew up the world in a nuclear holocaust and created a race of human-killing robots, which were later defeated by John Connor (portrayed in an Oscar-award winning documentary by Edward Furlong), Gore was able to distract the public's attention from this disaster with a new invention known as Teh Internets. With the internets came a new method of communication:
Bored housewives and geriatrics who wanted to look technologically advanced without grasping new concepts jumped on this concept immediately in order to cheaply and effectively communicate with people who had moved far away from them so as to avoid personal contact and interaction with them.
The original implementation of email was involved typing a message out on your computer, packing it in cardboard and Styrofoam peanuts, and shipping it via UPS to the person you wanted to talk to. They would then type out their reply on your computer and send it back. Unfortunately, the recipients of the message usually never sent the computer back, leaving the owner SOL.
Then some lonely soul created a program called Lynx, which could only be used on Linux. This was the turning point in communications. It meant that sending a whole computer was no longer necessary. With Lynx, it was possible to send ugly, garbled ASCII messages to loved ones/stalking targets, and was, for a while, confined only to Linux users, who reveled in the glory that they could implement a system of communication based on an operating system no one cared about or wanted to learn how to use, even if it was free.
Satan created the concept of teh Windows email with a Virus called MySpace. It cost $666 per month and incurred several surcharges on a user's credit card, all the while implanting thoughts of suicide, pre-marital sex, and investment banking in one's head. The drawbacks were immense, but it did allow Windows 3.1 users to actually send email without having to learn Linux, therefore giving up all human interaction, becoming obese, losing their hair, adopting glasses and suspenders as their daily fashion choices, and having sex with furries and underage cutters as normal, everyday activity. Realizing that this would probably work better in a mass market, Satan removed all Satanic things in his virus, and called it America Online.
It has been proven that one can enlarge their penis, man or woman, by responding to any and all offers sent to them in their emails. This is how John Holmes got his start in the porn industry. Ron Jeremy accidentally responded to the offer incorrectly, mailing his response to someone at Nintendo, and while he got his bigger penis, he was doomed forever to look like Mario.
Today, bazillions of people take advantage of the great things email can offer. Free iPods, PSP's, penis enlargement, Viagra clones, and working at home are some of the wonderful things you too can experience with this awesome tool. Unfortunately, so-called "spam filters" are being implemented by obvious Communist elements, who would like nothing better than to rob us of these perks.
|Email is part of a series on Language & Communication|