Friends: You Have None
Some argue, a Friend is a non-existent mystical well wisher from the realms of the imagination, a lot like God. On LiveJournal, it is someone on your Friends list that has no real friends. This version of the term "friend" can be used as both a noun and a verb. For example:
- "He is my friend, so he can see the n00ds I post."
- "Great user picture, can I friend you?"
—Child wearing Odolwa's mask in The Legend of Zelda: Majoras Mask
Rumor has it these people exist, and many users of the Internets claim to have many, but this is probably not true IRL. It would appear to the untrained eye that many IRL people enjoy friendship but it would be a lie to call it that. Here is the list of friends you have. Someone you have meet once IRL and added on Facebook does not count as a friend. Nor does any friend on the Internet. So called friends are much like TL;DR books – you should have told them to fuck off a long time ago.
- The Fair-weather Friend Basically every friend, relative, colleague and other human being on the planet. They may come of with a pleasant demeanor, but how many are really there for you even the slightest? Here are some types of fair weather friends:
- The Devil He just disrespects others and (eventually) you for no reason. Why be friends with someone who needlessly puts you down? It is not like he is going to be of use for you when you need him, in your hour of need.
- The Individualist They may try to woo you but ultimately they are only using you as a means to their ends. A true friend would in general let you tag along on all their activities.
- The Braggart You don't understand the expression "To be full of yourself" untill you have met one of them. They will talk about themselves all the time and brag without caring about your feelings.
- The Victim Like the braggart, but they will tell you how terrible they have it but not give a fuck about you.
- The Bore When they open their mouth you will want them to STFU. Why waste your short time on earth on them? Also notice that they do not try to compensate their verbosity or aspieness by being good in other regards.
- The Babysitter Individualists might, like Pokémon, evolve into babysitters. These people want to shape you in their credit. It is not unusual that after you have hanged out with them for an hour that they believe they can diagnose you and be your caregiver. However, their help will only be verbatim and limited to their supposed field of expertise which is often on an e-psychiatry level. Needless to say, they will not help you when push comes to show and you get sick or another calamity strikes.
- The Freeloader An individualist taken up to eleven. This friend believes you are their personal unpaid taxi driver, mechanic, Internet café or IT support.
- THE JERK All Cosmo articles about friends comes down to this word: jerk. You will know in your heart who among you are jerks. Seek your feelings, and know them to be true. Shut down this browser and dare to tell yourself the truth. Let its tentacles spread through your veins. On the path of life you will no longer be bothered by those on the side lines. For you are no longer taking the free road in your own life.
Even OL most people will claim to be someone's "friend" just so they can see their goods. When people camwhore, this is an excellent way to increase one's list of so-called friends. Direct communication is not a must for OL friends; only reading is. Although IRL if a friend asked you "what's up?" you'd probably just talk to them, OL you would probably tell them to stop being a fgt who is "trying too hard".
Friends was an unfunny TV show centered around the idea of watching a group of people who are supposedly friends. Nobody was captivated by this show except for 16-year-old girls, and there was truly a feeling in every American's heart when it finished.
This American sitcom became astoundingly popular despite a flimsy pretense and a seeming lack of any acting talent. Intrinsic to the appalling nature of the show are the appalling people in it. Case in point: Joey, a character who, if he had really been as stupid as is made out, would have had trouble standing unaided, let alone speaking or indeed "seeing how you were doing".
After 10 seasons in which the actors were paid more than the combined GDP of several African countries, somebody out there mercifully decided to end it. Not a moment too soon, either, given that the characters had become sickening stereotypes of personalities completely unfunny to start with, demonstrated in the "zany" character of Phoebe. It's astounding that she made it through 10 seasons without someone beating her to death with half a cinder block.
Potentially the most annoying type of person in the world is the type who wonders: "Why isn't my life like an episode of Friends, and why don't I have wacky friends who come around to instigate crazy adventures?" The answer is simple: Assuming you have any friends left after the divorce/prison/horrendous sexual misadventure, then they are likely as boring and sedentary as you. The reason you never have "wacky" adventures is because you and all your friends are boring fucks who spend the vast majority of your time wearing jogging bottoms, eating Wotsits and masturbating so aggressively that everyone is surprised your cock/snatch is still attached, let alone functioning.
Unbelievably, the characters spend the vast amount of their time in a coffee house. Hard to believe, given that if any normal person had to spend that amount of time with people that terrible, they would undoubtedly want to be somewhere, anywhere that sells alcohol. It's suspected that the show played no part in Matthew Perry's crippling drug addiction, you would certainly want to be ripped out of your skull if you had to listen to David Schwimmer for any longer than 2 minutes. You can almost see small pieces of his soul slipping away as he makes another "hilarious" Chandler
sarcastic comment "joke", his place as the funny one hopefully being an ironic in-joke.
The Annoying Friend
Advice for the Sexes
▀For women: The only friends you have dangle in between your legs. If there's nothing, you have none. STOP LYING TO YOURSELF. They only are your friends because your current fling is attractive to them, or you have a habit of hot people (to them) hanging around you. THEY WILL SELL YOUR SOUL FOR A NICKEL if given the chance.
Reasons why you don't have friends:
- You're a little bitch
- everyone's too busy being friends with Obama
- Heath Ledger is ALL YOUR FAULT!!!
- So is OJ Simpson
- and 911
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