The ESRB stands for "Entertaining Shit Raping Board". It is a group of Nazis and Concerned Mothers that enjoy slapping the "M" tag on video games that are awesome. The board itself is made up of old, tired Conservatives (and occasionally Hillary Clinton) who are afraid of "teh sex" in video games. For you see, blood, swearing, and horrible, horrible deaths are nothing, but the second you add "teh sex" in a game, it cannot be sold to the God-fearing people. It will be slapped with an "AO" (Adults Only) rating, and you will never see it again, EVAR!
The ESRB, along with other global agencies such as the RIAA and the MPAA is a part of the vast Jewish conspiracy. But unlike the previous groups, they are also vampires, which feast upon the blood of azns in order to thrive.
The Hot Coffee Mod and the Utter Pwnage of Rockstar Games
Last Thursday, another recycled GTA game was released. Like all GTA games, you could blackmail police officers, bang prostitutes, traffic drugs, engage in pimping action, shoot random people on sight and continue normal civilized life uninterrupted. However, a hacker decided to pull a twist on the game by altering a single Boolean variable that unlocks a secret scene in the game. In that scene several hundred pixels were colored and arranged in a way that resembles two naked people doing "teh sex". The scene and instruction on its unlocking spread across the internets at light-speed while Rockstar Games collectively shat themselves.
Naturally, the soccer moms and old fucktards who effectively control the ESRB pulled the fire alarm yelling: "We will not allow our children to play such obscene games, it deserves a damnation in hell and the developers publicly executed!". The ESRB, failing to realize their ratings are shit nobody cares about, immediately slapped a big-ass "AO" (AO means gamers must be at least 18, compared to 17+ for the previous "M" rating) on GTA: San Andreas thus effectively killing Rockstar games and allowing the little children to continue the playing of games that involved mass murder, killing police officers, violent carjackings, and flying airplanes into buildings without fear of "teh sex". All because of a Boolean variable that unlocked a sex scene in the game.
The "Pwning j00" Movement
In the late 20th century, the ESRB, RIAA and MPAA, scared shitless by the growth of P2P programs and unchristian content, joined together to screw over gamers, music lovers, moviegoers and pretentious fucks everywhere. The lawsuits against grandmothers, small children, web-servers, pornographers, Rockstar and Michael Moore would go on to be called by the author as the "Pwning j00" Movement.
Unbeknownst to the rest of the world, the lawsuits were nothing less than a fundraiser and a hilarious "fuck-you". Their true aim is nothing less than complete dominion over the internets, and the construction of the next great fast-food chain. Catering to the fattest fucks on Earth.
The M Tag
The M Tag Stands for "Mature Players or Older" (Age 17+). It is their way of saying that this video game is way too awesome for you to play. It was originally invented to keep 13 year old boys from ruining the hardcore games by making retarded noises and gestures from their cunt mouths into the microphone during online sessions. However, the protection was utterly destroyed when a bunch of assholes from Bungie, Rockstar and Activision got together and released three games called "Gaylo", "Gay Theft Nigger" and "Cock of Duty". Ever since then, almost every 13 year old boy has been countlessly using those dreaded disks with the help of their shitty Exbawks as a portal into the internetz.
The ESRB inspires 4Kids to do horrible deeds.
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|Featured article January 4, 2006|
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