Eddie Van Halen

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Who is Eddie Van Halen? No one knows, because of his aged appearance and notorious drug habit, but at one time he was considered the greatest guitarist in the world and made multiple millions of dollars. Almost all of it went up his nose or into his veins, but he did manage to keep enough to get enough plastic surgery to make himself look like Jon Bon Jovi, another dino-rock superstar. No one under the age of 30 has ever heard of him. Lol.

Wolfgang Van Halen[edit]

Wolfie is Eddie and Valerie BertandErnie's fat assed, loser son that probably wouldn't have a job or be able to get into a band if his dad wasn't already headlining it.
Wolfie is basicly another millennial white knight, castrated omega male that follows the modern cuckold tactic of obsessively protecting a girl to the point of creepiness and breaking all modern stalking laws to forever insure his virginity.
Who is this lucky or rather unlucky girl? The youtube Frog star Tina S. who found a way to overcome her disability of being born with a vagina and learned to play guitar.
In contrast to most under 30s, Tina S. Knows that Van Halen exists, it's Eddie Van Halen's creepy son Wolfgang she most likely wishes she has never heard of.

See Also[edit]

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Eddie Van Halen is part of a series on


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