Evony

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What? This article needs moar info on the gameplay.
You can help by adding moar info on the gameplay.
Evony don't sweat it horizontal.png


   
 
This game is the breast ever
 

 
 

Cows


The product does not work as advertised.

Evony is a shitty web browser based game which has come to recent attention due to whoring itself out on the advertisement realm. The creators of Evony realized that no one wanted to play a shittier version of Civilization, so they decided their only hope at success was to use scantly clad women with exceptionally large breasts in their ads. Much to their surprise, user numbers suddenly increased, and they continued their ad campaign until most of the ads consisted of a pair of tits with a mini-scale Evony logo barely visible in the top corner. The Nazi moderators on the Evony forums will delete anything criticizing their ad campaign, or stating that their game is a complete rip-off of Sid Meier's Civilization. It is also nothing like Kingory.

LOL EVONY[edit]

Journey of what, exactly?
Are these NPCs?

How Evony Got The Word Out[edit]

Not content to simply let the ads do the talking, Evony LLC decided the best way to market their amusing time sink would be to fire up the bots and let them loose on every gaming and remotely-relevant-to-gaming forum and blog on the webs. Every forum from GameFAQs to Martha Stewart.com's message board began to fill up with automated messages hustling for Evony. Less moderated sites had a few bots posting, often derailing threads by agreeing with each other over and over, responding to one invitation to play with another.

Self-important Blogger and not-even-my-real-dad Popehat finally got fed up with the bots and wrote the scathing "How Not To Sell Me On Using a Web Product". While the post is passionate and truthy, the only real impact it had was to put his blog on the first page of Google results for "Evony boobs". Most have given up the fight and are patiently waiting for the bots to fuck off.

Evony Image Theft Proven With Science[edit]

Queue up the shitty 80's synthpop song because you're about to be....yeah.
Evony, which is run by no-good, thieving, dirty Chink bastards, stole images for their "elf" ad from a costume supply company's website.

Gameplay[edit]

How To Play Evony[edit]

Lured into fail by tits.
Wait, what game are we playing again?
  1. Start doing the easy quests for instant rewards.
  2. Get addicted.
  3. Hit the wall where each upgrade to your city takes 5 to 10 hours unless you pay real money for it.
  4. Plow on and on, your sense of fun and achievement getting staler and staler.
  5. Get gang raped by other players who have either been playing longer or are paying real money.
  6. Get the dicktits pwned out of you by other people in game on your balls.
  7. ????
  8. Ragequit!!


Don't do it. It's a huge fucking waste of time and not any fun.[edit]

In order to get anywhere in this game you're going to have to sit in front of your computer for 24 hours straight clicking over and over and over again building, training and researching stupid pointless shit. You have to be logged on for 24 hours or you won't get anything done, to get the resources you need to build your piece of shit town into something special that people will want to attack (which is the only not completely fucking annoying part of the game) you have to give up your social life, your job, and your family and friends.

After the first 24 hours are over, you get to do the same thing over again on your second town. You can't just sit and wait for your resources to build up and think you can just log on for five minutes every 4 or 5 hours because everything you need to build takes 5 to 25 minutes and you won't get anything done and your town will suck. You cannot leave your chair. All your can do is chat with the other fucking losers that are in your alliance about stupid shit that happened on the previous servers you used to play and argue who knows more about the game.

The game will tell you there are 10,000 or 50,000 or however many people on your server, but it's a lie. 99% of those accounts are people who saw the stupid ads, logged on for 2 minutes and realized it was a waste of time and never came back. In reality there are only 7 different people playing on your server with you; all 7 of these people have like 500 accounts each, some in your alliance so they know when you go to sleep so they can attack you and steal your resources.

Once you get your town up and running, you're going to have to make a bunch of multi-accounts in order to keep feeding yourself food, lumber, stone, iron and gold. It's impossible to play this game with only one account. Everyone cheats. If you don't cheat, you can't feed or build an army and you die. You will be repeating this process over and over again until you give all your money to Evony, become broke, and die alone surrounded by empty soda cans and dirty socks you were fapping into while waiting for all your shit to finish.

Deceptive & Lying Ads[edit]

Ad Parodies[edit]

The REAL Women of Evony[edit]

 
 
The developers of Evony, UMGE (United Multiplayer Gaming Entertainment) have come up with an exciting, yet novel competition called the ‘Queen of Evony’. The Queen of Evony Photo Competition quite simply, is an offering to the Evony gaming user base, plus new arrivals to the MMORPG game the opportunity to submit a photo of a pretty Queen with the words ‘Evony’ displayed realistically (not super imposed) on the photo of the lovely maiden.
 

 


Expand now, my Lord About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Kingory[edit]

Oh geez.

Not to be outdone, a new free MMORPG has come to bring in a new band of fgts. Only this time, they may have fucked with the wrong nigger.


According to some old RPG-players, this game is totally not connected to Evony, and the art used for the button was totally not stolen by anyone. However, them and other internets concerned citizens are going to be sure to mention this completely irrelevant information to Capcom's American and/or Moon bases, and see how they react. Expect a lot of people to be sued by the end of this, and stay tuned.

Evony is Run by Scientologist Chinese gold farmers[edit]

What? This article needs moar suing drama, the links below have info.
You can help by adding moar suing drama, the links below have info.

Evony is run by a company called UMGE which was previously called WoWMine, a gold selling company that receives mixed reviews from people retarded enough to do business with these undesirables. If you breathe a word about the company that runs Evony on their forums, the post(s) will mysteriously disappear as if it never happened.

A blogger by the name of Bruce Everiss has been spreading the word about the inner workings of Evony and where it originated, most notably stating what anyone with a brain would see by saying that the game is a blatant rip off of Civilization 4. Additionally, Bruce brings up some points such as the fact that nobody seems to know who works for Evony or where they are located. Seeing as the game is run by Chinese gold farmers, the answer to that would be pretty obvious.

Evony, doing what any devout Scientologists would do when their bullshit is exposed, are threatening Everiss with lolsuits and sending out e-mails to their users attempting to discredit him. Bruce has more spine than most bloggers however, and is not about to back down to this lot of filthy Co$ chinks.

[CollapseExpand]

From: Valerie <valerie@evony.com>
Date: Thu, Sep 3, 2009 at 11:17 PM
Subject: Update from Evony
To:

Dear Evony Supporter,

As you may have heard, Evony has recently been the victim of malicious
and libelous attacks by a UK blogger by the name of Bruce Everiss.

Through your previous online outreach efforts in support of Evony, we
know you share our commitment to the unique experience we have
developed for our fans and we wanted to reach out to you directly with
an update on the latest developments regarding these libelous
allegations.

Despite the numerous fraudulent statements made by Mr. Everiss to
date, we have tried for several weeks to avoid taking our grievances
into the legal courts, hoping instead to persuade Everiss to come
clean and stop his online campaign of untruths and outright falsities.
Unfortunately, he has ignored our requests.

As fans of Evony, you know better than most, that these attacks have
caused significant damage to our brand and the gaming experience for
Evony’s millions of users and fans around the world.

Unfortunately, we have been unable to reach a solution with Mr.
Everiss and in the coming days our legal team will be proceeding on
multiple fronts against the libelous assaults that been have leveled
against our company and our game.

As fans of the game and industry insiders, we wanted to reach out to
you in advance to address several of the clear violations of
international libel standards perpetrated by Everiss and his
supporters. Several of the most egregious violations are also the most
clearly dismissible and we hope that with your help we will be able to
finally clear the air. The facts are clear:

1.      Evony, LLC has had at no time any association with a company
called WoWMine. In addition, the company is not owned nor has it ever
been owned or managed by an individual by the name of Eric Lam. To be
clear, Evony has absolutely no legal or financial connection to this
individual.

2.      Further, despite the blatantly false claims of Mr. Everiss,
none of the owners, directors or employees of Evony has ever been, or
are currently parties to, any legal action by Microsoft Corp.

3.      Evony and our developers have in no way ever infringed upon
the intellectual property of any other game or developer. There have
never been proceedings against our company for any such violations of
intellectual property and this accusation is entirely fabricated by
Mr. Everiss.

4.      Evony has never distributed any form of malware to our users.
Any such action would directly impact the user experience of our
millions of fans and damage the credibility of both our corporate
reputation and diminish the fan base of Evony. Evony’s popularity
speaks for itself – more than five million users in dozens of
countries around the world have helped to grow the game in popularity
without any need for malicious software.

5.      Evony is in no way a Chinese based company. Evony is a
registered corporation in the United States with millions of active
players in dozens of countries around the globe.

It is our hope that Mr. Everiss will now understand the error of his
ways and correct the public record for his readers.

As a blogger yourself, we know you understand that in the digital age
in which we now live, online journalists and bloggers must strive for
a higher standard of integrity and accuracy. Mr. Everiss’ complete
disregard for even the most basic tenants of journalistic integrity
and responsibility have left our company no alternative but to take
these legal actions.

Please do not hesitate to let us know if we can provide you or your
readers any additional information as to the facts about this case and
our efforts to hold Mr. Everiss accountable for his illegal actions.
For the most up-to-date news, announcements and tips be sure to follow
Evony on Twitter and join our fan community on Facebook.


On behalf of the entire Evony team, thank you for your continued support.

Kind Regards,

Valerie
Evony™ – Free Forever
www.evony.com

Operation Ivory[edit]

  1. DDoS their servers.
  2. Spam back at the forums with questions like "Who runs Evony?", "I am concerned that your site is malware. Is it dangerous?", "I accidentally my whole empire, is this bad?"; you can use shock images if you want.
  3. Run a bot to click their ads endlessly. Online advertising is pay-for-click, so enough clicks should get them bankrupt.
  4. ????
  5. PROFIT!

Quotes[edit]

   
 
I will sheepishly admit that I am an Evony player and a female; and the players who give a damn are all aware of the issues and have been bombarding the forums and mods with requests for change. Believe me, I hate those ads both as a gamer and as a girl and it makes it to where I can’t tell anyone that I even play the game if I want to save face.

The bottom line is that we complain, we rant, we get a warning, and then we hear that the change is coming but have yet to see it.
 


 
 

TheGirlWhoWouldBeQueen

   
 
None of that advertising has the slightest thing to do with the game, where there are no Queens, no love interests, and no willing hand-maidens wanting you to “play me now, oh Lord”, but hey, I guess it gets the clickthroughs (or it did before everyone became completely inured to them).
 

 
 

Arkenor, blogger

   
 
hah i dont give a shiz about Jew being scam or fraud cause its f ing fun!!!!
 

 
 

— YouTuber SuSaN5494, HAY GUYZ RAEP IS FUN

Play these Videos Now, my Lord[edit]

How Evony is a scam.
FREE FOREVER!

Open Letter to Evony[edit]

Hello:

I am a father of three young children, and I never believed in censoring any part of the internet for them. Most of the websites that they frequent are decent and respectable, and I like to believe that they are smart enough not to post naked pictures of themselves online. However, all of this changed when my youngest child went to go look up lyrics for one of her favorite songs.

One of your advertisements graced the side of the page. Now, from what I have read, your in-browser game is all about building a kingdom of some sort, so my question is.... why all the scantily-clad women? My daughter was equally confused by the promiscuous pictures adorning her once-friendly lyrics website. I am shocked and appalled at this advertising travesty.

Furthermore, I, along with a large consortium of fellow parents in my area, demand that you remove the half-naked women from your ads immediately. Not only is it false advertising for God-knows-what, it makes your website even less respectable. What will your women gamers think? Actually, they probably won't think. Because they won't be there. Because your disgusting advertising has scared all of them off.

Despite all of these advertising shortcomings, my son truly enjoys Evony, and he wanted me to ask you a question. He tells me that while he was playing a late-night session about a week ago, he accidentally his whole empire. Is that bad?

Yours, an Anonymous parent

See Also[edit]

Evony's infamous welcome screen


External Links[edit]


Froglok.jpg
Evony is part of a series on MMORPGs. [Gratz!Ding!]
Forerunners:

AngbandDiabloDungeons & DragonsFATALRagnarokRogueWarhammer 40,000

MMORPGs:

Age of ConanAnarchy OnlineCity of HeroesConquer OnlineDark Age of CamelotDarkfallEarth EternalEVE OnlineEverQuestEverQuest IIFinal Fantasy XIFinal Fantasy XIVFree RealmsHero OnlineLifeMapleStoryMinecraftPangyaRagnarok OnlineRuneScapeRuby Dragon EntertainmentSilkroad OnlineStar Wars: The Old RepublicTabula RasaToontownUltima OnlineWikipediaWorld of WarcraftWWII Online

Semi-MMORPGs:

Diablo IIDiablo IIIEndless OnlineFurcadiaGaia OnlineGraalGuild WarsKingdom of LoathingProgress QuestSecond LifeTibiaWar Thunder

Developers:

Blizzard EntertainmentJagexSony Online Entertainment

Related Drama:

Baby GraceAtheneBattle.net ForumsBloodraptorCloudsongDarknestDurthasEQ2FlamesGoon SquadHelmJammnoJennichelleJRangerLeeroy JenkinsMaartenMurlocOwlsamanthaRick Astley ForumShawn WoolleySilver CircleZezima

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Evony is part of a series on

Gaming

Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.


Featured article October 26, 2009
Preceded by
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Evony Succeeded by
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