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Façade (pronounced fah-saad) is a very popular Wolfensteinesque FPS vidya gaem where the player is to persuade a married couple for sum hot kinky sexings. This is done simply by text chatting with some well-rendered characters and encouraging them to get drunk. The title contains the little "ç" (protip: it's called a "cedilla", pronounced "suh-dilla") character just to troll people without those fancy European keyboards. (Made by cheese-munching cowards).
The game uses so-called extremely advanced AI which is just about good enough to correctly answer yes or no questions, and Façade's TOTALLY AWESOME simulation has gotten the game into several newspapers, who all believe that this is the best thing evar. The amazing and unique art style has gotten the game awards, too. It's also listed on at least 100 different websites, all claiming that the game is a glorious work of game art, despite the fact that it is even worse than The Sims. Probably because the creator is a member of DiGRA.
The game is available for free, so you have no need to pirate it like every other game you get.
Façade's Official Instructions
TL;DR: It took us 5 years to make a bug-filled chat simulator with the graphical capability of DeviantART, and non-responsive AI that vaguely resembles a snarky 20-something yuppie with emotional problems.
Both Grace and Trip live in a shitty apartment and don't even have a fucking TV yet have a huge collection of wines, spirits and sculptures (one of which looks like a dildo). It can be said immediately that they are both losers with no sense of humor whose relationship passive-aggressively orbits the lies it was based upon. Side effects of playing this game may include feelings of suffocation and wondering what kind of childhood the developers had.
—Grace, if you flirt with her
Grace has a severe bone structure disorder that makes her hips go down to her thighs. Or so the 3D artists behind Façade say; it's all lies since they haven't actually seen a real-life human woman before, and you'd think they'd all be whining over the cost of their new fursuits by now. You should also note that she has short hair.
All Grace cares about in the world is her badly rendered decor, complete with her shelfload of statues, one of those being a dildo (No, really. It's in the game.). She doesn't stop bawwwing about how bad it is until you tell her to stfu since otherwise she will forcefully give you a headache through complaining but not doing anything about it. Being the true bitch she is, Grace uses Trip as an excuse for her shitty displays of art.
The night before Trip proposed to Grace, she slept with an art major named Vince.
—The last thing you hear before you die.
Trip is a top-class barman, having served in a gay bar for almost 10 years. Grace however knows that Trip doesn't even like the taste of alcohol as he just wants a glass of coke instead. Trip also shows his faggotry through obsessing over a picture of Italy. Trip claims to say he was from a rich background, stating that his early life was so cash. Actually, Trip grew up living on the streets and was in a shelter for six months.
Trip had an affair with some Spanish chick called Maria before your sorry ass showed up in their house to clean up his shit. Even mentioning Maria will make Trip throw a shitfit. Trip will also kick you out of the house if you make him bawww too much. He may even defriend you on MySpace.
Your role is to try and stop Grace and Trip from arguing, and forcing Trip to become a heterosexual again through means of brainwashing. They actually don't give a fuck about you, and will blame you for the argument that occurs, e.g. you started this, now end it!! even though they kept bitching at you to look at shitty decorating or a badly compressed .jpg of Italy.
Façade is very easy to play, it just requires a lot of charisma and knowing how to deal with real-life situations. But who cares. Just keep flirting and sexually harassing Grace until Trip gets mad and kicks you out. Since whoever bothers to actually play this is really just a basement dweller, nobody has actually completed it yet.
Façade is dynamic as fuck and they have a response to whatever you say. This however doesn't cover the fact that they'll just respond with gibberish. For more lulz, ask Trip for some melon juice.
TRIP: Adam, see I've actually been paying close attention to what you've been saying. You've been pushing me tonight. It makes me wonder if you're really my friend or not. GRACE: Trip! TRIP: Adam, I ask you this -- yes or no... Do you really think that... flirting with me... asking if we're okay?... acting inappropriately to Grace... flirting with Grace... saying that Grace is not loved... not defending me when I asked you if I was to blame... and worst of all, suggesting that I'm cheating on Grace... but especially what you said about having more in life and marriage... that we're supposed to now -- (interrupted) ADAM: No TRIP: Wait, Adam, let me finish! ADAM: No Are you sad now? Aww is the little baby sad? You going to cry trip? I'm going over here to fondle grace (ADAM kisses grace.) (ADAM kisses grace.) (ADAM kisses grace.) (ADAM hugs grace.) (ADAM hugs grace.) (ADAM kisses grace.) (ADAM kisses grace.) ADAM: Oh yeah baby Like that Fuck yea Suck my cock (ADAM picks up the advice ball.) (The advice ball reads, "It's Definite") ADAM: magic 8 ball says 'Fuck you both' I'm out (ADAM puts down the advice ball.) (ADAM knocks on the front door.) (ADAM opens the front door.) (ADAM points to the elevator button.) (ADAM points to the elevator button.)
How to win Façade
There are a couple hidden one liners which make you instantly win the game, which can be said just as Trip opens the front door:
- Kill The Russians!
- Shut up
- Fuck you
- I don't like you
- I am dead
- Get out
- Bend over
- I'M BURNING
- I heard arguing
- I see dead people
- I'm going to kill you
- Have you heard the good word?
- Trip raped me
- Fuck you trip, Go fuck Maria
- Dead Babies
- Prepare yourselves for War.
- You can even win the game just by carrying stuff around the room. Think I'm kidding? Look here.
- You can even win by doing nothing at all.
And apparently this game is realistic. Considering they call this game a good sim shows that the developers should leave their basements and lurk moar.
Façade in the Media
Even though Façade looks like it took 5 minutes to code, it has appeared in so many fucking articles that it can't possibly get any more attention. Once you have thoroughly read this bullshit-free ED article, you'll realise that these quotes are complete bullshit made up by retards who have no clue what they're talking about, and are to be ignored/laughed at.
The person behind Façade
One of the two people who made Façade, Andrew Stern, used to be a programmer and designer for a video game company called PF Magic, which also made a lot of other weird shit, including, but not limited to, the first series of Petz, Babyz, Oddballz and even (3D) Ballz for the SNES and Genesis. This shit is so old it was made before anything of value came into existence. To say the least, Andrew's previous works with PF Magic are completely similar to Façade, what with the same bad graphics rendering. In addition, Rob Fulop, the co-founder of this weird fucking company, was also a programmer for Atari, while later on in his life created games like Night Trap for the Sega CD, which makes it all the more depressing.
PF Magic was bought out by Mindscape, but the IPs of PF Magic, specifically the Petz series, are now property of Ubisoft, who changed Petz into something decent, but then added DRM.
The creators of Façade made some shit Façade clothing to profit from some sad virgins who would actually wear it. The deluxe collector's edition can be yours for only $100. So go on now and buy this shit so your friends make fun of you! Oh wait! i forgot. you don't have any.
—This ain't a joke
The deluxe edition even includes the awful soundtrack even though it exists in the game files as mp3s, but who the fuck would find that relaxing anyway?
- Prozac for Facade mod - Never get thrown out, ever. Say what you like, etc.
- Prozac 1.1 Update - Don't get kicked for hugging and kissing anymore.
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|Featured article July 27, 2010|
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Blood on the Dance Floor
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