Facebook Groups

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Let's change the world GAL-PALS!
   
 
I'M NOT JOKING GUYS, IF THIS GROUP GETS 1,000,000 MEMBERS, I WILL NAME MY BABY SON "CUNT", FACEBOOK WILL NOT CHARGE A SUBSCRIPTION AND YOU WILL EACH WIN A NEW DELL LAPTOP!!!!
 

 
 

If the above phrase sounds familiar to you, there is a chance you have been introduced to the feature "Groups" on Facebook. Only on Facebook will you find dumb hipsters, scammers, old political spinsters, and utter retards vying for your imaginary patronage to their Facebook Group, as if achieving the goal of having one million people click a button completes your life. The pinnacle of keyboard warrior activism, Facebook, is awash with impotent threats, welched bets, and million man marchers who have no intention of actually showing up in the real world.


Classes of Groups[edit]

Like every bad RPG ever, we can easily break down and pigeonhole every group imaginable into several discrete categories. Also, as in said terrible RPGs, you will find it is the class that incorporates elements from every other class that is the most powerful at sucking in retards.

Facebook Changed so we're all going to leave[edit]

Facebook is changing D: D: D: I CAN'T HANDLE CHANGE!!!
(Moar like "Forrest", you illiterate faggot)

Probably the most common of the groups, people often mistake the friendly web 2.0 veneer of the Facebook user interface for something that actually gives a shit about them. The truth, of course, is that it is a cold, hard, data-mining machine that doesn't give a fuck about you or any of the millions of saps that give it every detail about their lives bar a piss sample. The result is that when your aunty can no longer find her farmville icon because it was moved 10 pixels to the right, this is taken as an indicator that the company has sold out. Idiots mobilize and join a protest group and won't leave it until their demands are met.

Local Organisation/Club[edit]

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These Groups really aren't so bad. They usually consist of 10-30 members who barely know how to use their computers, outside of clicking "Safari" and staggering their way into the Facebook website, so they can play Mafia Wars and click the "like" button on all their friends' statuses.


If This Group Gets X Members, Y Will Occur[edit]

Idiotwarnextream.jpg

This group relies on humanity's need to feel like a causal link in a chain, by enticing users to believe that they will somehow contribute to something good/chaotic (bad things are forbidden on Facebook) when they join this group. There are several variations on this class, but they rely on the same basic principle which is common throughout Facebook: people are idiots.


I Will Name My Child X[edit]

File:Loldacebookbaby.png
An accurate depiction
These are the people duping you into "activism"

This group claims that, after a certain number of people join the group, the creator will name their child some ridiculous name, such as Fb-favicon.png Voldemort, Fb-favicon.png Spongebob, or Fb-favicon.png Pikachu - LOL. Aren't those names so cute and funny and whimsical? And don't you just bet they will actually go through with it? The best thing you can do in this case is join the group, and hope the father dresses the child as the character it is named after, and then rapes it.


I Will Donate $X[edit]

These groups will assert that either after a certain amount of people join they will donate a sum of money, or they will donate a small amount of money for every member that joins. They like to support universal and unoffensive causes like Haeti [1], cancer, AIDS, Jesus, "charity", or some other fraud. In reality, the only cause you should be donating to is Encyclopedia Dramatica. Invariably, these groups are massive lies, since your average Facebooker needs that money to buy the next shiny trinket that Apple will release.

I Will Do Something Outrageous[edit]

File:Skull-tattoo.jpg
You would however, make somebody do this.

Like the above two, the resultant act is tepid slop when it comes to crazy behavior, but hey, this is Facebook, a website for nerds who aren't outside doing things normal people do. Wacky activities include Fb-favicon.png giving away money and Fb-favicon.png getting a Facebook tattoo, and you may notice this is a close relative of the "I Will Name My Child X" group. Frankly, these are all bullshit, so unless there is a remote possibility of something funny happening, like the user killing themselves, ignore the invite.


Facebook Administration Will Do X[edit]

In this case, X usually equals some feature that the babbling masses of Facebook have been begging for, such as Fb-favicon.png a "dislike" button, Fb-favicon.png three way chat, or Fb-favicon.png Facebook not shutting down. Naturally, this is merely petty petitioning of Facebook, but a quick search reveals little or no support for most of these groups, solidifying Facebook's resolve to make their website unusable.


An Improbable Event Will Occur[edit]

This panders mainly to stupid fanboys, religious idiots, and infantile retards who think that a single mouse-click will change the state of the Universe. Such examples include Fb-favicon.png Tupac coming back, Fb-favicon.png Jesus returning, Fb-favicon.png some loser's wife not divorcing them, and Fb-favicon.png Friends continuing. This is all, of course, bullshit, and anybody found in these groups ought to be shot immediately for being so. Fucking. Stupid.


I Won't Kill This Animal[edit]

File:Littlerabbit.jpg
Join or the bunny gets it...

These usually get shut down pretty quickly, but this, by virtue of the fact it may be true, attracts a lot of whiny brats complaining about animal cruelty and "rights" (PROTIP: property does not have rights). But each group follows the premise that if a certain number of members join, a Fb-favicon.png cute and cuddly animal Fb-favicon.png won't be killed. Who cares? Next.


Click The Invite Button And Select All Your Friends And Something Good Will Happen[edit]

Idiotwarnforestgump.jpg

This group panders primarily towards retards playing Super Pokemon Mafia Cafe Zoo Wars Farm World, promising special benefit if only you prostitute your friends list. But if has to be your ENTIRE friends list, and seventy-five percent of them must actually join the group, and you must press CTRL+ALT+CAPSLOCK while touching the scroll wheel of your mouse and being sucked off by a USB dongle. A very effective way to spam thousands of idiotic Facebook users with links to Last Measure.

Realistic Expectations[edit]

Idiotwarn.jpg

Surprisingly enough, some groups are actually quite capable of delivering what they promise. A prime example would be Fb-favicon.png "If 1,000,000 people join this group, nothing will happen". Usually considered a sub-class of the previously mentioned class, the major difference is that rather than saying something that only an idiot would believe will occur by joining the group, the event described will, in fact, occur completely regardless of whether or not a user joined this group. It is well known that these two classes constantly compete for supremacy on the idiocy meter.

Become a fan to see this picture[edit]

Idiotwarnforestgump.jpg

Probably one of the most rage-inducing types of facebook group. This group exploits the tl;dr ToS, the fucking laziness of the Facebook Mods and the stupidity of the majority of Facebook's users. These groups can be easily spotted by names such as OMG this pic is SOOOOOOO FUNNY!! and OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG LOOK AT THIS PICTURE OF (insert shitty celeb here) ON A NIGHT OUT!!!111111. The first thing it does is make you join up, then it either makes you invite all your friends (and subsequently fails to deliver), re-directs you to CPALead.com and downloads a virus onto your computer (and fails to deliver) or shows up some error (and fails to deliver. See a pattern here?) A very very very small proportion of these groups actually deliver, however the pic in question is usually shit and not worth joining a group over. Since the creators of these groups suck off the Facebook mods in exchange for not being b&, reporting these groups does absolutely jack fucking shit, especially as you can't even write to facebook any more.

How to see the pics these groups offer without becoming a fan

Morality[edit]

Idiotwarnmod.jpg

These groups attempt to appeal at either real or groupthink morality, usually for things that should not even have to be said. Users join these groups usually to paint a portrait on their profile that they are nice and thoughtful people, but they really create more problems by allowing people to think they are tackling problems from merely joining a group. These groups are all watered-down PC drivel. Some examples include:

  • Against Racism -- Well no shit. There are not many people out there who claim to be "for racism". These groups are usually justified by some sort of "solidarity" they aim to create. [2] [3] [4]
  • Against Bush -- Who the fuck actually likes this guy? Well, people who don't use the Internet for a start. There are very few people OTI with faces who would be willing to admit to supporting THE GREATEST PRESIDENT EVAR. [5] [6] [7]. Oh, by the way, students, you don't get a say. Once you stop smoking dope and doing keg-stands, you'll gain the right to complain.
  • Against Scientology -- Nothing says you're a channer like being in a group against Scientology. No group is complete without an image of a Guy Fawkes mask. The less said on this the better. [8] [9] [10]
  • Against Animal Abuse -- Once again, you'll have difficulty finding people willing to admit they are for animal abuse. The accompanying picture is usually some poor looking animal, or a TOTALLY KAWAII animal. [11] [12] [13]

LOL Groups[edit]

Idiotwarn.jpg

Whether the members of these are actually serious, or just trolling, nothing creates rage like a group that goes against public groupthink. These groups usually have very few members, likely because anyone who joins should fear severe reprisal from their asshole friends. Such groups include Fb-favicon.png for racism, Fb-favicon.png for fascism, and Fb-favicon.png global warming is a myth.

Against Encyclopedia Dramatica[edit]

Fight the good fight kids
Idiotwarnforestgump.jpg

Nothing says you are a responsible "netizen" like opposing a Fb-favicon.png racist, Fb-favicon.png sexist, Fb-favicon.png homophobic, and Fb-favicon.png bullying website like Encyclopedia Dramatica. Oh wait, you're here right now. So basically, nothing says, "I want pizzas, cardboard boxes, Korans, Bibles, Mormons and lube ordered to my house," like joining one of these groups.

Success Stories[edit]

   
 
You have a teenager with his first single being attacked by a huge hate mob on Facebook. It almost feels like a little kid being bullied. It feels like a spiteful campaign aimed at an 18-year-old who won a talent competition.
 

 
 

—Simon Cowell, on being butthurt

There has been precisely one success story of Facebook Groups achieving their goal in the history of ever. Due to modern-day commercialization of everything, Jon Morter decided he had had enough, and that he was going to stick it up to the Man for ruining his favorite top song radio show. So he decided to do what every average Brit does: complain about it, online. And thus the “RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE FOR CHRISTMAS NO.1″ group was created. The fact that the group actually succeeded in convincing people to legally download thousands of copies of RATM's "Killing in the Name of" just to bump it up on the top song listing is a marketing success Apple could only wish they could buy.

See Also[edit]

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People of Web 2.0

Fast EddieTom AndersonSteve ChenBrad FitzpatrickMax GoldbergMichael CrookIain HallChad HurleyKevin RoseOMGFactsKathy SierraJimmy WalesYouMark Zuckerberg

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Featured article April 16, 2010
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