Final Fantasy IV

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Cecil, Rosa, Kain, and an opium den proprietor battle Jon-Benet Ramsey.

Final Fantasy IV was the fourth Final Fantasy title in the series. Released in 1991, it was the first Final Fantasy title released for the Super Nintendo console, and only the second Final Fantasy game released in the United States. It was released under the title Final Fantasy II partly to maintain number congruity, but mostly to annoy and confuse those who weren't already brainfucked by a sequel to a game called "Final Fantasy".

Two different versions were released for the Super Famicom in Japan, a more challenging "Hardtype" version and a much easier "Easytype" version. America received the "Easytype" version because Americans are too lazy and stupid for a difficult RPG. The American version was also censored to protect children from the horrors of 16-bit violence, Christianity, and sexual innuendo.

Like it's predecessors, this game has been remade and re-released for numerous consoles, including the Playstation, Wonderswan, Game Boy Advance, and Nintendo DS. This once again confirms Square Enix's strategy of recycling content and never actually producing a new, original game.

Storyline[edit]

Japanese Final Fantasy IV Commercial

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In the beginning, there were four Crystals. Each represented one of the four elements of the world: fire, water, earth, and wind. Several years later, an evil empire decides to take them. Some argue that the game's plot is actually a metaphorical polemic attacking America's aggressive foreign policy, and that the crystals symbolize oil. You play an emo orphan dark knight who sets out to stop them from realizing the outcome of their plans. Basically, it's the same cookie-cutter storyline involving crystals they use in every installment of their fanboy fap material.


On your epic fail of a quest, you'll encounter ambulant Barbie Dolls, a steaming pile of Dungeons & Dragons crap, folkmetal, transvestites, big fucking ugly birds, a whole lot of drama, and Days of our Lives spinpoffs. It's just one lollery after the other, as every notable character you meet seems to die within 1 hour of gameplay, and they are never mentioned again.

Characters[edit]

  • Cecil's two forms - Male(left) and Female(right).
    Cecil: A Dark Knight from Baron and Captain of Baron's Red Wings air force. He gets fired after questioning the king's actions sending him to pwn remote villages to get crystals. He eventually joins up with a bunch of other idiots who aid him on his quest. He eventually redeems himself by becoming a Paladin and letting his reflection have its way with him. Cecil is also unique in the way that he is a tranny able to switch between two forms (Female (Paladin), and male (Dark knight)), this ability is frequently illustrated in "Dissidia: Final Fantasy".
  • Rosa: Cecil's love interest, and a white mage from Baron. Her role in the story is to be kidnapped and cock block Kain. In combat, she will heal the party.
  • Kain: The secret love child of Bahamut and Rydia's mom, Cecil's friend, and a member of the Dragoon Knights of Baron. An otherkin who roleplays as a dragon by jumping. He is a nice guy who wants to love Rosa but fucked up big time when he raped Rosa several times. When confronted with the alleged rape charges against him, his response was simply "I did it for the lulz".
  • Rydia: Starts off as a loli who gets her mom killed and her town destroyed by Cecil. Then she gets eaten by Leviathan, and spends her time in the Feymarch learning to summon phantom beasts until she becomes jailbait. A goody goody, despite the fact that she nukes the shit out of everything, and runs around with a whip.
  • Tellah: A legendary sage who gets angry when his daughter Anna runs away to hang out with her boyfriend, Edward. Tellah an heros later in the game when trying to avenge Anna's death by Golbez.
  • Edward: The prince of Damcyan who masquerades as a bard who happens to be spoony. He emos over the death of his girlfriend, Anna. All he can do is attack with a harp, sing to enemies, and hide like a pussy when he gets so much as tapped lightly. The first Final Fantasy character to get his own meme, "You spoony bard", it's not an internet meme, but it does exist.
  • Yang: A martial artist from Fabul and the token azn of the party. His attacks are mostly physically oriented, such as showing off his constipation faces to enemies. His personal story-line is boring and pointless until he attempts to an hero in the Tower of Bab-il.
  • Edge: The prince of Eblan and a ninja. He serves as the token cocky-son-of-a-bitch, but turns all emo and angsty over the death of his parents. He can steal valuable treasures from enemies, and throw various sharp implements at enemies, including a legendary spoon. He can also do some ninjutsu, but he's better off just flirting with Rydia like he always is.
  • Palom and Porom: Two young apprentice wizards from the magical city of Mysidia. They are included for the obligatory shota/loli fanservice. They join Cecil and Tellah briefly on Cecil's quest to become a Paladin, and later on sacrifice themselves shortly after defeating some faggot impersonating Baron's King.
  • FuSoYa: An ancient member of the Jew race that is resting within the moon who joins the party late in the game. He's an ungrateful prick who abandons the party as soon as possible only to get pwnt by another Lunarian.
  • Golbez: Cecil's older brother, and the badass of the game. With his personal army, he steals the crystals for some paradoxical and unexplainable reason, until FuSoYa breaks Golbez's mind control over him. He later dies alongside FuSoYa while attempting to defeat Zeromus by casting a shitload of Meteor.

The After Years[edit]

If it wasn't bad enough that SqE released the same game at least 100 times, they decided to make a sequel exclusively for the Wii. Known as "The After Years", this game takes place several years after the events of FF4; the second moon has reappeared, and you play as Cecil's kid to investigate why. You also get to play as the several other characters from the original with their own individual investigations into this unnatural phenomenon.

Instead of utilizing the Wii's full potential and making the game with subpar 3-D graphics, the game uses the same engine as the shitty GBA re-re-release with similar crappy 2-D graphics and horrible music, proving once again that Square-Enix can't do anything right. Future updates include a chapter involving the crystals, which means this game is highly likely to end up loosely following the exact same format as the original game.

Comparison Videos[edit]

Take special note of the subtle differences in the music and sound effects between the original and the remakes.

Gallery of Final Fantasy IV[edit]

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Quotes[edit]

   
 
I seriously think this is the worst out of all the games that I've played.

Like, who gives a shit about some fucking crystals? It was only cool at the beginning when you got to murder those dorky-assed gay fucking faggot mages in Mysidia. If the whole game was like that, it might have been the best game ever. I long for a game where you get to murder innocent fags. When that happens, video games will be cool. I'm still waiting, and until then, they're gay. It's only a form of entertainment that faggots enjoy when they're not fucking each other up the ass.
 


 
 

—Robert on Video Gamer X's forum, way back in the day, saying what we're all thinking.

   
 
And I thought five party members was a bit much, especially with no ATB. It's just confusing enough already without a visual ATB and with a massive five party members, it results in chaos. I hated how the spells took so fucking long to cast. And the spell animations were just too short. Final Fantasy 8 had it better with the awesome GFs and totally awesome spell effects. The longer, the better.
 

 
 

   
 
Golbez is the stupidest villain I've ever seen. He looks like he fucks little boys up the ass. He's a rip off of Darth Vader. I mean, brother? Father? He looks just like him, anyway. And what was with his Norweigen accent? He sounded like a fag to me!
 

 
 

   
 
I hated how Cecil turned from an evil person to a good person. What kind of message is that? Is this game trying to say that evil people can be forgiven in this world? Fuck no! He should have burned in hell for the shit he did in Mysidia! The whole game should have been him trying to escape hell. He probably turned into a paladin by getting his balls ripped off. Fucking purple-haired faggot buttraping pussy cocksucker. The twins, Palom and Porom, were obviously in a hardcore incestuous relationship. It was very thinly veiled, there were textual evidence all over the place. I found that it wasn't a coincidence that the Elder was bald.
 

 
 

   
 
And why were there so many bosses with the Elementals' music? I can understand 5, 6, maybe 7 really badass bosses with special music. But there's like 5 bosses in the Lunar Subterranean alone! I fucking hated it when Rubicante healed your party's HP. That totally ruined whatever challenge he might have presented.
 

 
 

   
 
Edward was obviously gay, as if the other characters weren't, but this fag was FLAMING. He plays fucking music and then runs and hides? I'm glad the Dark Elf fucked him up the ass. How did his bitch ever put up with his faggotry? I'm sure she never got him hard ... he probably got a harder hard-on fighting the antlion and checking out Tellah's ass. I can imagine him thinking about what Tellah could do with that staff of his. "Spoony bard?" Indeed.
 

 
 

   
 
Zeromus looked like a cunt to me, if you pulled it out from the body. I bet this was intentional, since everyone fighting him was gay and the sight of a vagina only made them hate him more.
 

 
 

   
 
I wonder what Cid did with his tools. Imagine the possibilities with a hammer. I bet he pounds more than one thing with that.
 

 
 

   
 
What's up with Dark Elf's bad grammar? "ME ATTACK YOU!"? Go back to school, nigger!
 

 
 


   
 
I can only guess that Square-Enix was too fucking lazy to add the extra GBA dungeons to the DS re-release.
 

 
 

—Marukomuru expresses his butthurt.

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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