Final Fantasy XI
It's also a little-known fact, but the average FFXIfag absolutely hates AZNs whenever they're logged on, but as soon as they log off they return to their natural weeaboo habitat with their chopsticks and shitty j-rock. The rabid AZN-hate is due to SE's favoritism for them, yet FFXIfags totally disregard non-AZN MMORPGs catering to non-AZNs.
Final Fantasy XI is a MMORPG, which means you'll be playing online with thousands of basement dwellers as lonely as you are. Even though there are female characters running around, no actual women play this game. The core of the gameplay is waiting.
- You start off your adventure by making a character in the shitty character creator.
- You then run around a big ass town not knowing where the hell you are.
- You find the big gate and start killing hundreds of small defenseless creatures until you're level 10.
- Now you want to join a group because you can't kill anything yourself.
- Type "LFG" over 9000 times until you have everyone in a party except a white mage.
- Wait 6 hours for a white mage to show up. (this guy will probably be a Jap so you wont know what the hell he says.)
- HOW 2 MAEK BONUS POINTS: While waiting, mess around with the in-game English->Japanese translator and say clever things like: <Human> <Male> <Inside> <Human> <Female> <Rear> <Joy> <Hole> <Can I have it?> <Yes, please>. These points can accumulate even further for more intricate combos: <Are you alone?> <jerkin><meat>? <stop!> <You can have this><fantasy> <Mithra> <date> <sale>! <Hand><Job>5000<gil>, <Subtle blow><Job> 10 000 <gil>, <Rear> <enter> <excitement> 50 000<gil> <Can you shit in my mouth plz>
- Blow your hard-earned jewgold at the town's Auction House on an item that turns out to be crap. AND! At later levels: Enjoy never being able to get a group because some faggot elitists want you to piss all over that 1.3 million gil item you just bought and substitute it for crappy artifact armor! :D
- Wait even longer for some random fucking boat to transport you to some shit desert.
- Find a spot where no one else's party is and pray to god random monsters don't follow you.
- A random monster wipes your party (fun, right?)
- Everyone re-spawns and gets back to the area you were at.
- Some ugly ass monster comes up to your party and you kill it. SUCCESS!
- On the next pull they get two monsters. OH TEH NOES!
- White mage uses SUPER DUPER POWER and the monsters kill him.
- Party is wiped. You go down a level.
- The 13-year-old in the party has to go eat or some shit.
- Party disbands.
Final Fantasy XI also operates under a system where the bunny rabbit you fight will occasionally have a scouter-breaking power level and wipe your entire team out, making you level down. On top of that there are Notorious Monsters who look no different than any other humpbacked sheep you fight, but are over 9000 times stronger and drop a ukulele 99% of the time. Some of them drop rare items about 0.5% of the time that are useful, but they're camped by Japanese gilfarmering niggers 24 hours a day. Since Final Fantasy XI is very party focused, you'll have to make sure your guy is in tip top shape so you'll be chosen over the other disgusting bags of meat wasting away in their basements. Because of this, you'll constantly need to farm money in order to buy that disgustingly plain looking sword you want or another ugly-ass jerkin that'll give you a +1 to your inability to get the fuck off Final Fantasy XI and go outside. Since money is hard to come by, and the price for your Brass Bikini+5 is gouged on the Auction House, purchasing new gear can take at least 100 years.
Recently Square has made the game more appealing to WOWfags with features like "Level Sync" and exp reward increases on monsters - making it possible for people to actually enjoy playing this game instead of the shit card thing from FF8/9.
- Humes - The human race. Humes are the only race in Final Fantasy XI that aren't good at any class, because you can't do anything fucking right. Hume males are usually the most sane or retarded. Females also have the largest dick tits in the game and little else is known or cared about. You can't make a black person Hume, once again proving that Square doesn't care about black people.
- Elvaan - The race for fags who like to role play their favorite Lord of the Rings scenes as their original elf warrior faggot Mary Sue. Male Elvaan are the most homosexual race in the game, wearing small children's clothes so that their midriffs are exposed. Some speculate this is due to the fact all male elvaan learned how to suck cock, albeit their own, from an early age due to their grotesquely long necks. Few people play the broad-shouldered Female Elvaan, making them the key choice if you want to scare off stalkers. Unless you're a dyke, then the female is perfect for you.
- Mithra - The typical female-only race. This race seems to have trouble wearing clothes. Most who play them are males and are referred to as Manthras and are usually elitist assholes or lonely men whose closest thing to a girlfriend will be this character (such as Danille from the Ramuh server). Most females who play this race are usually camwhores, attention whores or just plain whores. Either way you're getting a furfag.
- Tarutaru - The magic class whose name translates, in Squarespeak, to "pedophile's wet dream." This is no coincidence seeing as they resemble androgynous small children. Males are generally really nice and silly people and are not trying to seduce nearly everyone. Females have no lady parts and are thereby invisible except to people who take the time to notice. Best tanks in the game. Srsly, try it, your party will thank you. When playing, make sure to remember that Tarutaru players account for 100% of sex offenders in the game.
- Warrior – Has both attack and defense, meaning you suck at both. The first 1/3 of the game you will suck at tanking and then after that everyone will notice it and you get to deal damage with any weapon you want since you have skill in all of them!!!! Around the end game you will be good for exp parties and nothing else.
- Thief - You can steal stuff that nobody wants. Your damage will come from everyone and the monster being in the exact right place. Good luck with that. Also you get about 1% better drop rate that people would die without. Delicious cake for you.
- Monk - You're into fisting. Your ability puts you on crystal meth for about 45 seconds but you'll probably only live for 20.
- White Mage – The only actual needed class in end-game, but nobody wants to play it leveling up. When you do find someone though, its bound to be a little acorn gnome, looking to steal your underpants.
- Black Mage – Crap, moar acorn gnomes, but they aren't needed. Halfway through the game nobody will want you for their party so you will have to go solo your levels. Until end game the only people that will want you are other black mages so you can take down bigger things in groups. LOL PWNT WIF FIRAGA VI NIGGA!!!!
- Red Mage – Hooray! WHITE MAGIC, BLACK MAGIC, A SWORD, SHIELD, ATTACK AND DEFENSE!!!!!! Srsly, you'll be so thinly spread you won't be worth fucking SHIT for anything except white magic. Srsly, that's all you do. You sit there and cast the same damn spell for hours on end like a little retard at a factory whose only job is to press a single button repeatedly. About halfway through you can make yourself have unlimited power and put white mages out of a job. White mages get angry and Lulz ensue. But it's worth it 'cause you get a pimp hat.
- Paladin - FUCK YEAH HEALING, SWORDS AND SHIELDS!!!!! Spells suck and attack is worthless so you're stuck as the main tank for the rest of forever. Defense is crazy but monsters usually ignore it making you the sacrificial lamb most of the time.
- Dark Knight – Played by emo fags who cut themselves to deal more damage. Have shit magic and usually get killed in one hit. Their ability lets them put a band aid on their razor cuts. They whine a lot because nobody wants to invite them due to the fact they suck the MP out of a white mage faster than your mom sucks baby batter out of a football team. Maybe if they stopped cutting themselves, or didn't get monster hate all the time by whining like little emo fags, they'd be useful.
- Ranger - Lets you use guns. Jack Thompson theorizes this caused the Virginia Tech massacre. Used to be the best damage output in the game, but one simple patch took care of that. Now only played by Ranger fanboys and people who do it for the lulz
- Bard – The best class in the game. Nobody wants to be one, but everyone wants one. All you do is play music to make everyone's power level over 9000. Easy mode on heroin.
- Summoner - Played by 13 year old faggots who like hiding behind things that fight for them. Kind of like most DeviantART. Most useless class to have in a party as their Summons suck more dick than your mom licking her hairy ass nipples and they're reduced to White mage status with more MP and half their shitty ass curing ability. Note: Under no circumstances would you ever invite these crackers to your party.
- Dragoon – You use a spear and call little dragons. The only cool looking class in the game. Because of this, nobody uses it. Spend the majority of their week long waits for party invites licking the balls of their wyverns.
- Ninja – Can use two swords and do ninja shit. Created to be a damage dealer and enfeebler, but no one actually plays the job that way. Made into a poor-man's tank, only getting invites when no available Paladins are around. Only used by geeks who still ride the “NinJAZ R UHSUME!” bandwagon. Your special ability lets you make yourself an hero. Please use it as this job is now concentrated shit.
- Samurai – Like a Ninja, but you didn't fail at your purpose. Weeaboo bait.
- Blue Mage – Lets you fuck animals to steal their abilities. Most of the NPC Blue Mages tend to swallow people's souls.
- Corsair – Can use Limewire to download MP3s. Most manly support job in the game, so obviously everyone wants a Bard before you.
- Puppetmaster – Coolest concept of any of FFXI's classes. Lets you make and customize your own puppet that follows you around and fights with you. Because it was such a cool idea, Square-Enix made it suck a hairy ass penis and nobody uses it.
- Dancer - Like Bard, but completely gimp, and the males are flaming gay and the females are obvious whores. They are also forced to use the weakest weapon in the game to function at all. You'll find yourself being unwanted by most parties and by endgame no one will want you at all. When players started to find use in Dancer as a subjob, Square-Enix decided to instantly gimp it.
- Scholar - Wearing school outfits, they are most useful in fighting enemies with tentacles. Otherwise, they are a miserable attempt at creating what Red Mage was supposed to be. Most noteworthy for their ability to materialize cheat-code books out of thin air, without which they can't cast any spells.
Players can choose which nation they swear their allegiance to when they begin the game.
- San d'Oria - Home of the Elvaans, its benefits include loose marriage laws and a P.A. system that plays endless bagpipe music. When they're not dying of the bubonic plague, they're in a permanent deadlock with those badass level 3 orcs just outside the gate.
- Bastok - Home of the Humes and Galkas, its benefits include welfare, a slave underclass, and a charismatic president. They are the technological leaders of the world, having invented the steam engine, elevator, and Playstation 3 while the other nations still wander around with sharp sticks.
- Windurst - Home of the Tarutaru and Mithra, its benefits include lots of hot women that will have nothing to do with you (just like real life) and legalized pedophilia. The Tarutaru race was selectively bred by ancient perverts so as to maintain a permanent supply for their pedophiliac urges. All of its NPC residents seem to have varying forms of a national speech impediment. Examples include ending every word in '-ethy', and using words like partnereeeenos. The Tarutaru have 5 schools of magic sciences, like altering plants, making creepy as hell robots made from a magically animated seed from a big-ass tree, traditional black magic, book making, etc. Considering how pacifist most Tarutaru are, most of the time and money is probably spent with the plant alterations school, making some bad ass nugz.
Economy and Crafting
113% of all item purchases and sales occur on the game's auction house system. This means that the price of whatever bone hairpin +1 you decide to waste your time making (item creation
occasionally routinely ends in failure) can instantly get driven into the ground if someone else decides to make and sell an assload of them at the same time. Don't worry, special care has been taken to ensure that these price drops will never happen to anything that you have to purchase (in fact, the opposite is more likely). Oh, and did I mention that they tax you?
You can try and make money on here by learning a "craft" and selling whatever you make, meaning you will spend months of work ripping skins off retarded rabbits to make some kitschy little nub scarf, or other useless shit that sells for less than a jar of piss would until you gain enough skill in said craft. Then you have to do the same in a sub craft. Then you find out there is no money in your craft anymore because of the Chinese gilfarmers just make shit for the lowest profit possible to budge out everyone else except them. Then you go spam the special task force with butthurt reports of said gilselling douches, and they wait for a month to do anything. They send out a report every month, patting themselves on the back about how they're eliminating unfair play. You see the RMT are still monopolizing the market, just under different names, as the task force only permabanned the lackeys who sell stuff on the AH, and not the actual crafters. You then go on a murderous rampage after taking a flight to China, killing everyone in sight.
Several expansion packs have come out so people can check out new story lines and partake in what 99% of everyone else is doing. Otherwise you are LOLGIMPN00b.
- Rise of the Zilart - At least 100 years ago a bunch of people got bored and decided to build a gate to Heaven. During this someone decided to divide by zero and everyone died except two brothers who don't age and a few others no one cares about. Over 9000 years later they finally decide to try opening the gate and thereby destroy the world for some reason Completion results in you getting an earring that you'll use about 5% of the time and access to a floating island full of real money traders and pricks. You'll find long cutscenes and little E-penis factor seeing as how the missions are now considered retarded easy.
- Chains of Promathia - The FFXI version of Satan is sending the FFXI version of the Antichrist to tell everyone that he will delete fucking everything. This causes Drama for everyone. Bahamut saw what was going on there and decides that to keep Promathia from coming to this world he will kill fucking everyone, thus making him the smartest thing in the game. Its pretty much the same "Destroying the world" thing as the previous expansion, but it's a lot harder, the cutscenes are a lot longer, and it features loli jailb8 Mary Sue Prishe. Completion results in access to areas with nothing in them and a different dimension designed by Da Vinci while tripping on acid. You also get a ring that you could have used at the start. The missions are getting easier but player intelligence isn't rising so most are still stuck on the first mission, so much E-penis can be attained here.
Shit nobody cares about - If you finish both of the previous expansion missions you hear that you fucked up and another Antichrist is coming and Bahamut wants to kill everyone again so its like you didn't do shit for the past 2 years that you've been working on these expansions (not that its any different from what's going on in your life). Completion results in an earring that will boost your E-penis factor over 9000.
- Treasures of Aht Urghan - You get to go to the Middle East. Some government people are trying to bring about Alexander and Odin is trying to find an avatar so he can come back and fight Alexander. In the midst of this epic Catnarok most of the world will be destroyed. Pretty much the same thing except only most of the world gets destroyed this time and the cutscenes get even longer. Completion results in a ring that's only good about 3% of the time. Getting down on your knees and blowing Odin is the only way you don't get your ass handed to you. I'm not kidding you.
- Wings of the Goddess - You get to violate the space-time continuum and possibly become your own grandfather. What happens is, you're on your way to Jeuno traveling the same route you take every day but this time you encounter a giant anus which sucks you in and shits you out in the past. Here, some dominatrix thing with her sex slaves is trying to fuck shit up in the past. Also male Mithra.
- A Crystalline Prophecy - Crystal thing wants to destroy the world.
- A Moogle Kupo d'Etat - You have to clean up your house.
- A Shantotto Ascension - Midget somehow clones herself and the clone wants to take over the world. Midget 1 decides to join clone. Nothing happens.
- Abyssea - Some old dude recruits you to go in to his dimension to fix shit and... fuck this. It starts out with a rehash of the Crystalline Prophecy opening, then rehashes Dynamis. Square has stopped giving a fuck and so should you.
- Seekers of Aldouin - Most epic quest ever. You, legendary god killing world saving hero, are hired to chop down trees and clear away overgrowth. Excitement.
For those that want to "support Square-Enix by buying the game", they formerly needed to venture out into the world of Re'al Lyfia to get physical copies, making the rat-tail-level journey with each expansion. Square-Enix felt for its cows, and announced that they "started distribution of the game through Direct2Drive last Thursday," offering the Siamese bastard-baby expansions in the latest Collection or surgically separated for puttin' another on the digital barbie.
(No, I shit you not, it says "last Thursday".)
If you're too broke to buy the game or don't feel like spending thirteen bucks a month to play this shit, you can download the game and get a free 14-day trial account at https://secure.playonline.com/freetrialus/top.html. PROTIP, use a proxy server and multiple Mailinator accounts to create multiple Free accounts for your trolling pleasure.
Square-Enix Trolling Their Fans
In August 2008, a FFXI linkshell (guild) called Beyond the Limitation decided to raid a monster, called the Pandemonium Warden. However, something was wrong: they were spending over eighteen hours trying to kill this monster. One of them even said, "People were passing out and getting physically ill. We decided to end it before we risked turning into a horrible new story about how video games ruin people’s lives." Reminiscent of EverQuest Live's Kerafyrm the Sleeper, many people in the MMORPG community panicked or made fun of FFXI players. Some defended Square-Enix, saying that FFXI is skill-based and eighteen hours is okay, while others asked the developers to tone the monster down. Either way, points to Square-Enix for trolling the fuck out of FFXI players! Keep in mind that the this epic failure of an attempt was only using zerging tactics. After Apathy linkshell defeated Pandemonium Warden, many learned how to do it correctly, which proves that Beyond the Limitation didn't know SHIT about video games.
The Great Q_Q Day
On January 22 2009, the entire FFXI community shat bricks as Square-Enix effectively gathered the top basement dwellers from every server and gassed them. There was a glitch in certain event areas where one could triple their treasure and it was TOTALLYtop-sekritnocanknowbutuandme. Even Square-Enix themselves knew of its existance but did nothing, allowing hordes of FFXIfags to exploit the living shit out of it. Finally, in a moment of epic win, Square-Enix decided to go through the logs of the past year and bring down divine justice upon the perpetrators and the group leaders were hung from the gallows for all to see. Naturally all the forums exploded in UNTOLD amounts of butthurt, lulz, "zomg but itnot be MAI fualt i decide to cheated ;;;;;," deleted blogs and (with any luck) some use of shotgun mouthwash. The shitstorm finally ended but any mention of a glitch will revive all the retarded analogies.
Trolling FFXIfags for Dummies
Nearly everyone who plays this game think that it's god damn serious business. About 90% of them don't even know what the hell trolling is, most of the rest are newfags. Now add a system where only 1 person or group can claim a monster or occupy most event areas. Then put in rare monsters that literally only spawn once every 24+ hours IRL. Then put in a shitload of jobs that won't work together unless it's the perfect set up. Then remember that pretty much the whole game is group-oriented so most everyone is too chickenshit to even think of seriously trolling. What you get is an untapped gold mine of lulz for you trolls in training.
Still don't know what the hell to do?
In the Game Itself
- Easy Mode - Go to any of the forums below and say how much better your job is than the alternative. PLD vs. NIN, WHM vs. RDM, BRD vs. COR and any DD against each other are most effective. Topics on "Equipment A pwns Equipment B" can also cause days of research and spewing of tl;dr mathematics on how B is 0.0004% more effective than A.
- Normal Mode - Do the same as above but in game on the /shout chatmode. The resulting shitstorm is similar to saying god exists on /b/, but this is still funny.
- Hard Mode - Join someone's Assault/BCNM/ENM/ZNM/whateverNM and wipe the party.
- Insane Mode - Steal a Linkshell's Dynamis zone. Unless it's Dynamis - Windurst, then get inside and run to the "Death House."
- DragonForce Mode
- Find a big honkin' monster that's camped heavily like King Arthro, Behemoth, Adamantoise or Fafnir.
- Claim it.
- Use "Call For Help"
- Bonus points for keeping it alive for 15-30 minutes.
- Tell a FFXI fan that EverQuest and/or World of Warcraft are better. This does not work with other MMORPGs.
- Remind them of the Pandemonium Warden, a monster that used to take over eighteen consecutive hours to kill.
- Bring up the fact that FFXI has less character customization than many free-to-play MMORPGs.
- To Newfags: Mention anything negative about Japan. To Veterans: Mention anything positive about Japan.
- Tell them that FFXI is a timesink, just like every other MMORPG out there.
- Mention that 14 is gonna kick 11's ass.
- Allakhazam - People not cool enough to get into the other places.
- The Order of the Blue Gartr LS Forum - Forum for elitist downs kids who try too hard to be us.
- Killing Ifrit - Forum for socially withdrawn pseudo-intellects who're either Humes or Manthras.
- The game, in a nutshell.... a 45,470 characters long nutshell, that is.
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Final Fantasy XI is part of a series on
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