Final Fantasy XIII
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Square-Enix, being the brilliant developers that they are, came out with an innovative new battle system that consists entirely of repeatedly mashing X. Much like rush mode in other games, the AutoBattle command will stock abilities that are super effective against the generic palatte swap enemy you happen to be grinding, No thinking required. Much to the dismay of PS3 fanboys Square-Enix announced that Final Fantasy XIII would no longer be a PS3 exclusive and would released on the 360 due to the fact that The PSTriple has no gaems, The 360 version includes 3 discs primary due to the limits of Microsoft tech. Drama ensued after the revelation that there are no towns, and that the over world map consists entirely of a series of tubes. Code word Linear, A myriad of threads had emerged bashing the games for areas that were complete shit with shiny graphics along with the standard n00b topics of which console had the better version. SE also had the brilliant idea that transformation sequences are balls to the wall awesome, so all the summons now have gestalt mode. The game doesn't even let you pick your party until about 20 hours in, fully heals you after each battle, has no mp, and lets you revive after any failed battle; FFXIII assumes you are a complete retard and if you bought this game you probably are. In all honesty this 'game' is easily the worst in the Final Fantasy series to date and is equally as disappoint as Bioshock 2.
The story is a war of two worlds, Cocoon a gleaming utopia built by fal'Cie and Pulse the hellish lower world which is pretty much New Zealand. Hokay so here's the Earth once upon a time everyone lived on New Zealand and shit sucked so the fal'Cie created a magic happy land in the sky, sound familiar, but only certain people got to live in paradise. Well Pulse was fuckin' pissed so they waged war the only way Azns know how, by turning into a giant monster. The fal'Cie have the power to steal men's souls, and make them their slaves! The slave is hereby referred to as l'Cie and is given a focus, if it is completed the slave will petrify into crystal if not the slave will turn into a zombie abomination. Our main bro Snow is on a chase from Chris Hansen after he asked his 14 year old girlfriend to marry him. Being the genius he is, Snow puts Serah on a 500 foot high ledge which just happened to belong to a fal'Cie. Our heroes valiantly attempt to rescue Serah by killing all military personnel in their way. They end up getting cursed by fal'Cie, Oh and also Serah dies but no one cares about that. The space pope reveals that he is fal'Cie and wants to destroy the world for no adequately explored reason. So after the typical rpg final boss rant, "come on guise this thing doesn't have a right to exist!" "Lol, that's just what I said at my last abortion" our righteous heroes manage to break the final boss's immortality with their special move and save the world. But without the fal'Cie Cocoon fell out of the sky. The two lesbians from Pulse activated their wonder twin powers and transform into a giant tentacle monster and manage to freeze the world to the sky and save the day. Aren't you glad you read all that? It's from Japan. What did you expect?
The technical leader and head bitch in charge, an ex-commando who wants revenge because her sister died. She is a strong independent woman who is afraid to show off her softer side. Light is loose cannon who doesn't play by the rules, she does what she wants, how she wants, and who she wants. She uses the alias Lightning to sound edgy and mysterious but the bad guys have a secret weapon, Powerword: Claire (in Japan Eclair... cuz that's a legitimate name) She wields a fancy new weapon that is a blade that fires bullets as well as elite advanced technology that allows her to defy gravity. When Hope tells her he plans to kill Snow she gives him a knife. Lightning doesn't need any friends cause they will only slow her down.
The first nigra to appear in the series (uh Barett) due to affirmative blacktion. Seeing as how there are no black people in Japan, he is a compilation of what Azns assume black people are like, the creator admitted to basing him off Lionel Ritchie. Sazh is the comic relief party member as he has a chocobo that lives in his fro and is supa kawaii. Sazh is the only person to understand that guns>swords. He goes to an amusement park with Vanille while everyone else is trying to save the world. After leaving the petting zoo, Sazh learns that Vanille is the reason the government confiscated and ate his son. He considers shooting her but pussies out saying, "lot of things can be excused, shooting kids ain't one." He is also one of the ugliest fuckers to grace your TV screen.
A Seifer wannabe, he started his own militia but that doesn't matter as they aren't seen after the tutorial. He is nicknamed Mr. 12cm (that's 4in for the murkans) by the crew. Snow is engaged to Lightning's little sister and frequently calls Lightening his sis. Lightning is not amused with Snow's faggotry and proceeds to assault him in the face. Snow frequently raises his fist in the air and punches his palm which means it's go time. Snow serves no purpose other than to take off his shirt.
The typical anime airhead that always overreacts with weird gestures, her weapon is a fishing rod and she believes all of life's problems can be solved with friendship and the power of positive thinking. She and Fang have spent hundreds of years in frozen carbonite after completing their primary objective, and they somehow ended up on Cocoon for no apparent reason. She is also the narrator which is very unfortunate as you have to hear her speak lots and lots, she has a very hard time maintaining an Australian accent and somehow mixes it up with a touch of southern gentlemen. Vanille decides it would be a good idea to follow a black man alone into the woods. Somehow she ends up not getting raped and goes to an amusement park with her new black friend while everyone else is off trying to save the world.
Fang is one hardcore lesbian and will fuck your shit up. She apologizes to Lightning for ruining her sister, then says that she doesn't feel any better. Lightning raeges that Fang only apologized to relieve guilt and doesn't actually care, which is the only reason anyone apologizes ever, so she punches Fang and says that didn't make her feel any better, for the lulz. Fang was originally developed to be a man but the developers decided that hot lesbians would sell better. She works with the military because Cid Raines is a l'Cie sympathizer. She doesn't really care about anyone except, she'd "tear down the sky to save Vanille". The final boss repeatedly kills fang and revives her to piss off Vanille
A 13-15 year old boy whose clothes and personality suggest he is an avid crunkcore fan. His mom volunteers to be in Snow's militia but Snow tells her to gb2 kitchen. She saves his ass with a rocket launcher only to die seconds later (Bitches don't know bout phoenix down). Since Hope's mom volunteered and since Snow is the leader of Team NORA (a japanizu reference to a stray: the English version just gets the acronym No Obligations, Rules, or Authority), it's his fault the bitch didn't duck and cover. Also Hope's mom is named Nora (OMG Irony). Hope descends into the darkness that is Cloudsyndrome and decides to murder Snow for great justice. He of course fails and decides that Snow is an pretty cool guy.
An elderly gentleman who is the Primarch, which is really just a fancy word for space caliph. He is perhaps the lamest final boss in all of final fantasy as he is a steaming pile of plot hole and has no personality. His job is to protect Cocoon, but he wants the l'Cie to destroy it because he isn't allowed to harm people, even though he killed all his own henchmen. He wants to asplode the world to cause the rapture and bring back the one true lord and make a perfect new world. He wants Lightning to wage jihad against Cocoon and yet he still attempts to murder her numerous times. He is teh ultimate bad guy and doesn't afraid of anything, mainly because the developers couldn’t come up with anyone better. When the final boss of a game is suicidal and has been so for the past 20 hours, you really have to wonder what the fucking point is.
Barthandelus has also been known to declare code white.
Odin: A white knight that attacks enemies with his mighty lance. He transforms into a horse and Lightning mounts him for a fierce assault. He is similar to Ixion from FFX, and shares the same lightning attribute... oh he is a lightning type cause her name is Lightning, hahaha that's funnay guise. Lightning summons him
Double your pleasure double your fun. Since Shiva is an extremely overused summon, there is now 200% moar Shiva for your enjoyment. Many believe that their names are Nix and Stiria, but that is incorrect as women do not have names. Shiva came to Snow when the military confiscated Serah's body for scientific testing, but Snow wasn't done with it yet. The sisters transform into a motorcycle that rides on ice beams.
A monster whose name is unpronounceable, Vanille only says the first half and gives up. It has over 9000 arms that he can shoot into the ground for a surprise attack. He transforms into a double barrel Gatling gun that attacks with lazers and missiles. His special attack is a nuclear explosion that gives Vanille an orgasm. Vanille summons him when Fang learns the truth behind the attack on Cocoon hundreds of years ago.
Every Final Fantasy gets a free Bahamut!!!1!11! Another summon obligated to please the fans which is ironic since SE doesn't seem to care about their fans(see rest of article). A kickass dragon whose attacks cause a lot of lensflare and inverted colors. Its special attack is a giant lazer that creates a massive explosion. He transforms into some kind of scooty-puff jr. and comes to Fang when she decides that she really doesn't care if the world dies in a nuclear explosion as long as she doesn't die with it.
Alexander is a standard non-elemental golem. Like Hope he is generally considered useless and transforms into a castle that fires lazer cannons which may sound cool, but doesn't deal very much damage. Hope is the only character whose summon does not change into a vehicle so it will be useless in the soon to be announced Final Fantasy Kart: Versus Grand Prix. Hope first awakens Alexander when he realizes that he is useless and only holding everyone back and that there is no hope(bad pun used a lot in game) and all is lost.
- A short cutscene where everyone talks about their feelings
- The only button you press in the whole entire game
- A needless uninspired boss fight that leads to the next area where you
Rinse and repeat for about 25 hours until you get to the wide open spaces where you have generic kill-the-enemy quests, or you quit playing this trash and go do something better, which is highly unlikely.
This game is particularly special because Square decided to troll the fuck out of their fans by removing a great deal of features that previously seemed to be required in a successful RPG, such as role-playing, towns to explore, and NPCs to talk to. No backtracking allowed so you better farm shrouds in the early game before you know what their use is, and no multiplayer gameplay so the game isn't too hard for the dedicated fans.
Aside from not being able to escape battles, Square Enix also thought save points were still a good idea, despite the fact that dying causes no penalty whatsoever as you can just hit “retry” to fight again with no consequences. SO HARDCORE‼!11 Exp comes in two forms: the form of item drops which are used to upgrade weapons, although the game can be easily beaten with level 1 equipment, and Crystarium Points. Also new to FFXIII is a ranking system that gives you a star rating out of 5 for how fast you kicked ass.
The rating doesn't increase exp or rare items drops and is only really there for achievement/trophy whores. Disregard the previous sentence; while it’s true that the rating is primarily for achievement whores, a low rating allows and increases the rate of “shroud” drops and a high rating allows and increases the rate of rare drops. It should be noted that shroud drops are actually worth something unlike 99% of rare monster drops, meaning that Square Enix is rewarding incompetence.
The class system has ostensibly been removed for a more flexible gaming experience in which any player can act in any class whatsoever. In practice, each character will receive 3 primary classes and 3 secondary roles. Of the 3 primary classes for each character, only 2 will be halfway useful, with 1 being present as a filler. The 3 secondary roles are unlocked just before the final boss, watered down with no useful abilities, and much more expensive to develop in. By the time you unlock them, you will have literally no use for them, and afterwards you must spend an absurd amount of time earning massive amounts of exp to develop in them. The time spent CP grinding in this game could be spent doing something meaningful instead, but this is incredibly unlikely. In battle, players can change roles at any time, referred to as a “Paradigm Shift, rather than having to actually be good at any of the roles to not be defeated. Square Enix encourages players to be creative and experiment with different class combos although 99.9% of the time you will be using commando/ravager/medic. The only time to really use different classes is to have a sentinel guard while you spam death against the big turtle dinosaur things. Innovation!11!!!1
The crystarium system
The Crystarium system is a grid where the player manually activates crystal shards to learn new abilities and increase stats. The crystarium system really puts you in control of your characters’ development, if by “in control” one means “getting royally fucked over by a bullshit user interface and myriad of shitty choices of abilities to develop”. Sound familiar? The experience gained from killing shit is called “Crystal Points” —yes, really—and when out of exp the game displays a popup notification informing you “you have no CP”, which we all know is a lie.
Battles and Classes
Instead of using the standard Warrior-Tank-Mage-Medic RPG class system, Enix decided to split up the jobs in FFXIII into 6 innovative new roles. Instead of having healers that cast support skills there are now two separate classes just for casting status spells, and Square pulled the “chain guage” out of their ass to distract players from realizing their combat system is boring, flat and unchallenging, and invented a role just to fuck with it.
- Commando – Has strong attacks. Not useful at all until you stagger the enemy.
- Ravager – attacks do moderate damage. Uses elemental attacks to drive the enemy’s damage multiplier but requires a Com for it not to immediately return to 0.
- Medic – Cures a small amount of HP, and also removes status ailments from allies.
- Synergist – Bestows buffs on allies. Stands there doing nothing if you don’t switch roles when he gets bored.
- Saboteur – Super 1337 haxx0r behind 7 proxies. Makes enemies moderately easier to kill. Aside from bosses and spamming death as Vanille, considered utterly pointless.
- Sentinel – Has over 9000 HP and draws enemy attacks. Basically stands there waiting to counterattack which almost never succeeds. You’re still forced to use it a lot because Square wanted to troll the fuck out of fans by rendering 1/3 of their team useless ½ of the time.
By (at) the end of the story, each character has the ability to be any role in battle and use any skill. In reality, you’re stuck with 2 or 3 classes that each character doesn't completely suck at and 3 or 4 classes you earned for killing dragons and unlocking your full potential which cost insane amounts of CP to develop in. If they want to play using a character’s secondary role, players must spend massive amounts of time developing the crystarium for each character, rather than going outside or being socially active.
Gil and Shops
One common complaint about the game is that there are no towns to actually explore. Another crime against RPG standards is the inability to grind against monsters for MAX MONIES, since wild animals are just as broke as your rag-tag team. The fanboi explanation for this is that your party consists of fugitives, meaning it wouldn't make sense to have them walk around town in search of shops. This explanation, however, does not explain why the hell your fugitive party can just buy the fucking items over the
phone internet in seconds without having the authorities trace said purchases back to them. Either the bad guys are too fucking stupid to check sales logs and IPs, or each of these conveniently placed network-port-a-shops-for-runaway-slaves use proxies. DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS! It explains why it isn't tracked in the game itself.
This song will cause irreversible faggotry.
Despite bankrupting thousands of weeaboos with the first game, Square Enix was nowhere near done. The imaginatively named Final Fantasy XIII-2 came out last Thursday. It boosts such improved features as the ability to return to tubes you've previously run through, and use weaksauce monsters in battles, destroying any hope that Square Enix learned from the past.
Serah and her new boyfriend Noel travel through time looking for Lightning. Along the way they encounter a Sephiroth clone named Caius and his sex slave who keeps getting reincarnated for no apparent reason. When they finally find Lightning, she's become a goddess or something and tells them stuff that sounds really profound but means nothing, then fight Caius for the 9,001st time. Caius becomes an hero, but then in the end sequence Serah dies of AIDS and the sky turns into black smoke. There's a secret ending where Caius is still alive.
Then it ends with the words "To be continued."
But it's okay,because there's a metric fuckton of DLC. You can add pointless shit like retardedly easy set-piece fights against characters like Omega, and an episode where Sazh wanders around and plays poker for ten minutes.
Sequel II: Lightning Returns
After having successfully bankrupted millions of weaboos between sales of Final Fantasy XIII, Final Fantasy XIII-2, and lots of premium content available as DLC, Square Enix was still not satisfied. After shitting out Final Fantasy XIV, Squeenix realized even the most hardcore weebs were getting sick of the shit;thus Final Fantasy 13-3 was born. The game is set 500 years in the future in a new world created from the convergence of Walhalla and Gran Pulse with no explanation as to why, oh and also the world’s going to end in 12 days and, of course, you have to save it. The only character you get to play as is Lightning while you run around the world looting and pillaging and frantically searching for a clue as to what the fuck is going on. In the game, Lightning will get trolled hard by a girl named Lumina who looks exactly like her sister Serah. For another unknown reason, Snow gets woken up from his carbonite stasus, giving players the chance to cringe at Enix’s ability to depict a guy learning that his GF that he went to hell to protect cheated on him with some raven-haired faggot named “Noel” and has been dead since time long forgotten. Vanille and Fang are still dead, leaving only Sazh from the original game with unknown whereabouts, but he is black, so nobody cares.
The reason for the Lightning plague
The headwriter of the FF-XIII games, Motomu Toriyama, is hopelessly in love with his own shitty and bland creation, and endlessly gushes about her whenever he has the chance, calling her an "icon of Japanese gaming" and the "face of Square Enix" and has a poster of her in a sexy pose hanging in his office with "She must not be forgotten" written on it. Toriyama has decided that the rest of the world needs to adore his terrible Mary Sue just like he does, whether they want to or not, which is why the Final Fantasy fanbase must endure his constant public masturbation, as he continues to stick his genderflipped Cloud-clone into every single thing he can get his hairy palms on.
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