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Final Fantasy XIV
- Fun fact: This article went from a few paragraphs on the FFXI page to over 20,000 bytes in less than a week. GG, Squænix.
After the unveiling of the plans for Final Fantasy 14 (a.k.a. Final Fantasy XI 2: Electric Boogaloo) many veterans wept e-tears at the realization that they will have to leave their old characters with the +20 wizard robe behind if they hope to transfer to the new game. While Square-Enix blathered on about things like shorter level grinds, a less demanding experience, pizza, cake, and numerous other attractive things in 14, FFXIfags continued to lament over the imminent death of their crappy game. Some have even deluded themselves into thinking that 11 will survive the exodus of players into 14 by basing their argument off of SE's continued support of 11 (including a set of balance-destroying level increases), which is bullshit seeing as how SE simply wants to squeeze every last dollar out of 11 before they have to nuke the servers. What nobody seemed to admit is that 14 was gonna be the absolute same shit with different names and OMG soooo gewd grafix. However...
- 1 Overhype?
- 2 4.0
- 3 WAIT DON'T REVIEW IT YET
- 4 Crafting: AKA taking 2 weeks to build your fucking axe
- 5 Crafting Part 2: Why the system is made by Sierra Games
- 6 RMT
- 7 Square has Never Played a PC game
- 8 Things Squænix Did Not Add
- 9 This Shit was Made by China
- 10 But the Races Aren't the Only Cuntpasted Thing
- 11 Things We Learned from the Fanboys
- 12 IGN and Gamespy
- 13 How to Troll FFXIV
- 14 Overall
- 15 Why the Game Won't "Fail"
- 16 The Future
- 17 Finally Admitting it was Shit, Starting Over
- 18 A Realm Reborn (aka Final Fantasy XIV: This World is Currently Full. Please wait for a slot to open up and try again.)
- 19 See Also
- 20 External Links
—Yasu Kurosawa, Went Full Retard.
In early September of 2010, nearing 14's release at the month's end, it was actually revealed that FF14 is going to flop horribly in the west. Fanboys jerk off to it, ignoring obvious problems such as poor mouse control, the fact that a controller is almost required for the PC version, no jumping (again), shitty performance, and small game world. Also the lead developers have never tried any other MMORPG, which is almost necessary for MMO developers to do - scope out their competition, compare and contrast. In fact, it's clear they never even tried their prior MMORPG given how they repeat many of the dumbest mistakes that used to plague that game.
Another common complaint are the races - as you can see, they're completely different. How Square can recolor their first MMO's old races and not come up with something new is a mystery on its own, especially seeing what they created in other games, such as the Yukes (some tall creatures with helmets on their faces.) Hell, EQ2 has like 20 playable races, but then again it's made by opium addicts in SoCal, so whatever.
While Gamespot has its own share of problems, FFXIV was rated an overall 4.0/10 from the critics and fans in early October of 2010. This is notable because it's a Final Fantasy game, and Gamespot reviews like everything in a scale of seven to nine. The review actually stated reasonable problems with the game that many have reported, not just what this article mentions a couple paragraphs above, but also how it takes too long to do fucking anything, the world being "on rails" (as in nothing much to explore, and grounded to the world in corridors, like FFXI), a poor targeting system that doesn't distinguish from party members and enemy mobs easily, unfinished stuff put in game as teasers such as chocobos, and super slow buff-casting times.
Needless to say, the fanboys claimed he had a shit computer, was paid by Blizzard (or to a lesser extent, NCSoft or SOE), and other faggotry. One fucktard claimed "hmm it seems whoever did the review was clearly a fan of WoW, and likewise obviously never played ffxi..."
Also, GameTrailers.com rated it a 4.2/10 - for the same reasons. Shortly after, Gamespy gave them a 2.0/5 and the long awaited IGN thrashing gave is a 5.5/10. Soon the bulk of reviews started to roll in, and so far the worst score it has gotten is a 2/9. Keep up the good work SE, you're going for a record!
— Get to work fuckers.
A Japanese site shows that Square didn't want FF14 to be reviewed until a few weeks after release - much like APB. Oh, that one's shut down by the way.
Crafting: AKA taking 2 weeks to build your fucking axe
At first glance, the game's crafting system is one of its only pros. There are alot of crafting and gathering classes, tons of recipes and its different than any other game. But then you realize the crafting is like the rest of the game; the longer you look at it, the more you realize you're just staring at a picture of goatse.
The first thing you realize is that you start to learn recipes fast, its as if you already know them and the game is just letting you know how to make them (P.S., this is true). The second thing you realize is that the menu is so shit you can't find your recipe book. The third thing you realize is it's not the Menu, the game is so fucking shitty, they force you to write down every recipe the game tells you or look at a third party website. Good thing they fixed the issue FF11 had with alt-tabbing to make this a painless process.
So now you figured out a way to see your recipes. What now? You have your melee class to ten, so the first thing you want to do is make a weapon. Its either that or browse the wards to find a player selling one, which will take you around 4-5 hours to do. So fuck that, let's get to crafting. You crash your game and open the website with your recipes on it, and find a recipe for an AXE or SWORD or BOW. You write down the ingredients on a notepad and get to making them.
But what the fuck?? You realize that to make that lvl 8 axe you need to be level 11 BSer, well okay. You grind that shit out. Turns out you need axe head, but to craft it, you inexplicably need to be level 14, you don't understand this, but fuck you, the market wards suck big stinky Galka wang. Now you need a shaft from a carpenter, some leather straps from a LW, some plate from an armorer, and some fucking glue from the alchemist. And probably a sandwich from the culinarian to feed your fat fucking face while you craft this shit. Realizing you need 10-15 in like 7 classes to make a basic level 8 item, you go buy it instead.
Who are you kidding, you're a spergneck beardlord, so you get all the items together.
And it fails.
Oh, and failing broke your blacksmithing hammer because it lowers item durability.
Crafting Part 2: Why the system is made by Sierra Games
After finally getting classes leveled, lots of mats and plenty of time wasted, you've made basic items hundreds of times. You haven't failed sheep leather in a long ass time, and you need more. Why did you just fail it 15 times in a row?
Because Square-Enix didn't tell you this shit:
Things that actually affect crafting:
- Character Facing
- Time of Day
- Day of the Week
- Moon Phase
- Arrangement of Abilities on your hot bar
- How many leves you have left
Squænix pretty much ruined the game to stamp out the Real Money Traders. They even went as far as making gil practically worthless because so much drops at once, and then having horribly shit vendors so there's nothing to buy from NPCs. Squænix says that the auction house allows RMT to flourish, and that retainers were the answer.
What actually happened though? Well they fucked up, that's what. Crafting is a very fundamental part of the game since nothing is sold on vendors, which means crystals are one of the major resources, and they are much more valuable and rare than gil. The problem is people buy them so fast that it will take hours to search the 200 retainers to find your shitty stack of wind crystals. So what happened?
The Chinese are now selling crystals for real money, and it's working. Why, you may ask? Because many people feel that paying some Chinese sweatshop-nigger 5$ for a lot of crystals is better worth their time than farming them or trying to negotiate the horrible wards where you can barely see 10 retainers at once, so they're going to Chinese websites that act like the RMTs personal auction house. They buy a lot of crystals, and a China farmer personally delivers it to them on their little bicycle like a bag of take out. Over and done in 20 minutes.
Square has Never Played a PC game
One of the largest and most serious complaint about FFXIV is that it may as well not be a PC game. The game lacks features that have literally been standard inclusions since fucking 1989. The UI is probably the worst User Interface that has ever been in a PC game since the 1980s. You cannot remap buttons, and even if you could, the game doesn't have hotkeys for basic shit like your map or character sheet or inventory. You have to navigate a system of menus as if you're goddamn Magellan.
Worse than that, the most infuriating part of this stinky turd that Square squeezed out onto the market is the fact that the UI lags. It's not because the game is crowded, or because their servers are shit (they are though), they literally programed the game so that every action you do takes 2-5 seconds to simply inform the server that you wanted some shit done.
But that's not even the worst part. I bet you're saying to yourself: Hey! Their servers are laggy, they can optimize it later and it will be like every other MMO.
Shut your goddamn mouth. It will never be instant like every other MMO. Barring a full rewriting of the games code, the lag is literally programed into the game, it will always be like this.
When you talk about an online game, you have Server and Client side actions. Client side actions are (usually) things like the UI and your characters movement and animation. Things like this are irrelevant to the server, so you opening a menu happens as fast as your computer can display it. Square programmed almost everything in FFXIV to be based off of server side code, meaning every single time you craft an item, open your inventory, stand up, sit down, enter action mode, even basic animations done automatically, Square makes your computer ask their server's permission to do so. That means the info has to travel all the way across the world and get stuck in Tokyo city's awful traffic, get raped in Akihabara, battle Gojira, and come back before you can sell a fucking item.
Things Squænix Did Not Add
- Auction House
- Mail System
- Multiple Classes
- Half the Zones
- Keyboard Shortcuts
- Competent UI
- Simple Requirements For Making Low Level Crap
After the re-release of A Realm Reborn, they finally add the things listed above.
This Shit was Made by China
—Fucking engrish during account creation? Check.
The proof is pretty evident in the Japanese version. The entire game is littered with random Chinkaboo words and sentences intermingled with the Japanese text. When they get to read native Japanese, there are blatant typos and mixed up words. Chocobo had been written as "horsebird" until release, where it is misspelled as "Chocopo". Mixing up "bo" and "po" is the equivalent of mixing up b and d, and only a retard, dyslexic person, or uneducated sweatshop-nigger would mix it up. Another nugget of proof is the fact that the game is missing virtually any Final Fantasy classes. Some of them are just renamed, but many are outright gone. Ninja and Samurai are gone, and removing them is China's revenge for WW2.
At least they did not call the Chocobo a "HorseCock"
More damning evidence is the Fatigue System and guildleve (yes, guildleve, whatever that is) restrictions. Reviewers and gamers who are playing this piece of shit all have the same universal complaint, "Why the fuck did SE think these were good ideas?" They didn't, but Chinese law mandates anti-addiction systems be put in place. Case closed.
By the way, enjoy moldy "collector's items" as reported here.
But the Races Aren't the Only Cuntpasted Thing
—lol, a journey into the vast wilderness of... nothing?!
Things We Learned from the Fanboys
—FFXIV, the only MMO where 10 seconds is a narrow window.
Naturaly, the mods found this post to contain way too many lulz than the community of loathing basement-dwellers that inhabit the MMORPG.com forums could possibly handle, so the OP was treated with a swift b&.
IGN and Gamespy
There was a long pause after the shitstorm-heard-round-the-internets as fanboys and haters argued over Gamespot's (and to a lesser extent, Gametrailer's) review. Most people said Square-Enix deserved being shit on, but there were enough idiots saying to wait for IGN's review, that will be a good one! They will give it a 7! Right?
Wrong: It got a 5.5 out of 10.
Well shit. Now what? There are already internet hatestorms brewing, but neither side has budged yet. The Final Fagtasy fanbois keep saying that IGN is biased and paid by Blizzard, that the next review will clear their Name. Luckily, Gamespy's review came out soon after! Oh shit! It got 2 stars out of 5! (Which, if you do the math, is equal to 4/10.)
...ball's in your court Squænix.
How to Troll FFXIV
- Tell them WoW is better
- Tell them Aion is better
- Tell them FFXI is better
- Tell them Runescape is better
- Tell them Uncyclopedia is better
- Tell them Big Rigs is better
- Hell, tell them EverQuest is better and has more subscriptions while being 11 times older
- Ask them how to play as a Red Mage
- Ask "How do I ride a Horsebird" (Especially if they're Jappers)
- Have someone give you directions to the Auction House
- When you trade for something, tell them you will mail it to them
- Make sure they know Moon Phases still affect crafting
- Name yourself Sephiroth and be a Elvaan
- If not that, then Xxsephirothxx
- "What button opens my inventory halp"
- Put up lvl 1 mats on your retainer for million gil
- Tell another miner that this is your mining node
Why the Game Won't "Fail"
Final Fantasy XIV is a game that took Squænix five years to make, and tens of mirrions of dorrars to fund. They have stated that it will take five years of profits to make up for their expense, which means they probably weren't even considering adding content or anything to the game until the playerbase and media told them how good their game was. Make no mistake: Square-Enix doesn't care about you or the game itself, only money.
That's irrelevant though, Blizzard only cares about money too. The difference is, Square-Enix thinks the best way to make money is to make the playerbase so mad money shoots from their ears. Squænix wont let this game die, even if it means keeping a single server up to make up as much money as they can back.
Another thing to realize: Retainers cost 1$ to own on your account. This is not simply their incompetent price team thinking we like to pay more for useless features. They purposefully took out an auction house and engineered the retainer system, not to make the game "player driven" but to make their bottom line "retainer driven".
The only reason the bigshots at SE even considered adding a free month is because they panicked. As soon as the game released, they were all drinking squid ink alcohol and partaking of fresh loli in their penthouses because they honestly thought the game was fantastic, but when they heard that the game was gonna tank, freaked out and put their lolis away and the only thing they could think of was to give people more time, since Americans love Jew stuff.
As of now, Square revamped the markets and is giving those who bought the game an extra free month of play because players are jumping this sinking ship in droves. Also, a director's dispatch states that they plan updates to the game every three months, as they know they fucked up and now scramble to fix this mess of a game with things that should have been in it from the start.
That's not all for the future of Square. Square Enix's stock price halved in two years, and it's just not in two years there has been a drastic change in their jew money, this decline has been going on for five years. So, as you can see, Square Enix isn't gonna survive long if it keeps releasing shitty games such as this one.
— CEO Yoichi Wada
Even though the game sold about 630,000 copies since launch (190,000 in Japan, 210,000 in the US and 230,000 in the EU) only about 30,000 people are still playing it.
It seems Squeenix has finally got it through their thick skulls that FF14 was a complete and unmitigated disaster, and are currently in the process of redoing the entire game from scratch. It remains to be seen whether the new version will be just as fail as the old one, but one thing is for sure; Squeenix has been bleeding cash the entire time.
A Realm Reborn (aka Final Fantasy XIV: This World is Currently Full. Please wait for a slot to open up and try again.)
On 8/27/2013, Squeenix decided to release this failed abortion despite the Beta being complete and utter shit. To nobody's surprise, it's failing. Many players can't even log into the goddamned game because the servers can't handle the influx of basement dwellers who Squeenix suckered into preordering this waste of Hard Drive space. It's highly unlikely any of them will continue to play after their free month is over since the only thing you can do at this point is the same damn boring fetch quests and killing monsters in groups of 5 for EXP.
For some reason this game became a success after re-releasing it. It's successful enough to be awarded one of the Best Games of 2013. It's mostly because Square Enix is borrowing elements from World of Warcraft by Blizzard. The subscribers are up to 6 million and growing, and has two expansion packs Heavensward and Stormblood.
- Final Fantasy
- Aion, another weeaboo MMORPG that was shit, but not as bad as this.
- Tabula Rasa and All Points Bulletin, two MMOs that shut down shortly after release. It's only a matter of time, and not much of it.
- EverQuest II, another sequel of a game that had poor performance at release, but isn't total crap.
- Age of Conan
- Gather Against Fate <GAF> - A NeoGAF guild. Famous for the GAF'D meme for being shit.
- Storm Feelers <Storm> - A 4chan guild coming from the /v/ board.
- Golden Ratio <ZR> - Another 4chan guild coming from the /vg/ board.
- The English version of FFXIV Twitter
- memes. - Someone focuses on
- Know Your Meme's FFXIV article.
- PC Gamer: Final Fantasy XIV Developers Apologise To Unhappy Players
- Official site
- Hilariously awful reactions from diehard fans
- Japanese Amazon Page (Look at the score)
- Japanese businessmen hate FFXIV too
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