Final Fantasy XV
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Final Fantasy XV is Square-Enix's fagship action RPG nearly 10 years in the making which is completely dumbfounding considering how dated the fetch and kill quests are. Doing what the do best, squeenix got the hype train rolling by pushing this game back so many times all of their neck beard weeaboo fans were creaming their pants with anticipation. What they got was a copypasta of Kingdom Hearts except now Donald's shit health is with an annoying blonde fag named Prompto and the magic part with Britfag Ignis. Glitches that put Bethsheda to shame are littered throughout and its funny considering that they pushed the release date back a few months to "fix" these issues. Then they released a patch on Day One that took 2 hours to download and literally just changed some in- game text.
The story begins with our boy band pushing their fucking Rolls-Royce through the desert while that bitch Florence wails 'Stand By Me' (so much for it being a fantasy game) on the BEATS BY DRE radio. You are then plagued with the unfortunate news that your father has died. Square-Enix actually expects you to watch their shitty CGI movie, so they decided that they cannot fill in the gaping plot holes in the entire story, including moments where characters literally leave the party and come back with scrapes and bruises with no explanation at all. This is coupled with the fact that the game revisits Final Fantasy XIII in its latter half. You'll find yourself wanting to drop a toaster in the tub next time you bathe because you actually paid 90$ for the special addition you fag. Story ends with a gigantic cliffhanger that makes absolutely no sense, but coming from a place where their number one export is tentacle porn, it makes a lot of damn sense.
Square Enix keeping the tradition alive of bland and completely transparent main characters. Crown prince of insomnia. Shows little to no emotion even toward his hot British bride to be, but then cries and mopes like a little bitch and pisses off Gladio when she gets B& from real life. Cloud has really evolved over the years huh?
The character the game should've been about, but Japan's boner for feminine male leads pushed him into supporting cast. Only party member smart enough to get the fuck out of the way when using the sketchy and unpredictable magic system.
Also see: Auron
Chef and Britfag smart guy of the party who also likes throwing knives. Always comes up with new recipes and has to remind you about it every 10 minutes. Goes blind later in the story, because why the fuck not, and becomes utterly useless until the 10 year time skip. His full name literally means "Fire Science."
Meg of the gang. Gets shit on by the other characters for being a faggot. Has a Chocobo fetish and likes taking pictures of Cindy naked. Was supposed to be a guinea pig for science experiments as a baby but got saved out of sheer luck. His health stat is so terrible it puts Donald to shame. He can have 200 HP while his fuckbuddies have 4 to 5x that amount of max HP.
Tits or GTFO. Also a fucking redneck country girl.
Sketchy transvestite that you meet at the beginning of the game. Seems to be an alright guy at first, but gets more and more sketch as the game progresses, and ends up just outright trolling the shit out of Noctis and his crew. In the final battle he reveals the ultimate troll, that he and Noctis are of the same bloodline, before getting his shit wiped and being thrown into the darkness forever.
- Copypasted fetch quests given to you by literal rednecks who constantly say "y'all."
- On rails
- Customizable with paint and decals
- can fly
- Terrible... You can only use Fire, Thunder, and Blizzard magic. Nothing else.
The story bosses are literally harder than the actual superbosses since the superbosses are very exploitable. All you do to defeat that fucking turtle is warp to different points to get free MP and hold X with that magic ring, and PROFIT!
Party and Enemies
Prompto keeps the Donald fashion alive by dying 5 seconds into any enemy encounter you have because of shit health, whether it be the same dogs you fight the first 8 hours of the game or the hordes of extremely easy insta-kill Niggertek soldiers that won't let you move 2 feet on the "beautiful" yet completely barren and vacated in game world. This is the result of ten years of hard work. Gladious has the most HP in the party and actually does most of the shit in combat. PROTIP: Unlock the ability to play as Ignis as soon as possible, because you can use him to exploit the dogshit enemies even moar.
Widely praised by Westerners for being open-world, having little story or character development to distract you from the prittee grafix (the textures and anti-aliasing is shit), and a simplistic, button-mashing battle system with a glorified "blink" ability ripped straight from Dishonored.
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