- Web IRC
Fitlads is a shoddily-made website worth a measly £100k, (UPDATE proof that Fitlads.net has gone downhill: it's worth
56,940.00 as of June 11th, 2010, $40,201.83 as of January 2nd, 2011, $24,030.87 as of now) and is the epitome of faggotry isn't really all that important in real terms. It is an interweb community website which is designed to accommodate the infectious, camp, homosexual fairies of the U.K. and beyond to practice trolling and perving over the pictures of other dirty old men and children - viz: Shotacon.
David - An over-weight, acne-stained, middle-aged man who has long since gone past his sell-by date; it is rumored that he uses the website only to solicit younger men - preferably under 18, and hairless - for sex. Indeed, he once hired a particularly unhinged rent-boy as a P.A. who subsequently went on to lock Joe and David out of Fitlads and ruled it (albeit briefly) with an iron fist. David has chosen not to update his display pic for over five years although he can be found snorting ketamine in Essential, a two-bit concrete bunker of exceptional faggotry. Essential is David's preferred venue thanks to the dark lighting and copious amounts of smoke machines helping to obscure his pockmarks and deep wrinkles that a WWI soldier would feel at home in.
Joe/Joseph - An incredibly perverse and unhinged crybaby, he is his family's biggest disappointment (he was the runt of a litter of Mark Zuckerburg clones). The subhuman founder of Fitlads, Joseph is riddled with ass burgers. In his best Stephen Hawking voice, he proudly announces at any given opportunity that he's on the Autistic Spectrum, a mental condition that illuminates his biggest reason for having a gay sex website; his sole motivation for creating Fitlads was, quite simply, for revenge on the gay world. At the tender age of 15, young Joseph was banned from the gay IRC channel for being jailbait (although why anyone would want a piece of his pockmarked arse or bent penis remains a mystery). Joseph never recovered from his epic butthurt and has since waged a trolling war upon anyone remotely better looking than him (ie you and most of humanity). He is to David what AIDS is to cancer. Joseph, had he been born in Roman times, would have been left to die on a mountaintop because in evolutionary terms he is the equivalent of monkey flatulence. Proof that he is a deficient foundling include poor vision, looks to be in his mid 30s, has a fat boyfriend (who he uses as an occasional spunk pail) and is incapable of attaining orgasm through normal means.
In September of 2011, Joseph experienced another of his infamous meltdowns and used that little bit of power he desperately clings on to to organise a cull. As of 26 September 2011, the membership of FATlads has become considerably uglier and more socially retarded than ever before. Banality and casual perversion has become the norm. It is understood that Mr Hill attempted to make himself look better by lowering even further (as if that were possible) the "quality" of the membership on his shite. Reports have been received that the attempt was unsuccessful - Mr Hill remains the disease harbouring slime around the bottom of the Fitlads' communal shower. Pending the outcome of independent psychiatric reports, David is rumoured to be stepping in while Joseph is sectioned until the latest of his many fits has passed. Meanwhile the membership of Fitlads has become middling, average and homely facsimiles of what had gone before, much like industrial farming has rendered all food bland and insipid. The result is that all those healthy, cancer free individuals who made Fitlads what it was have left for greener pastures.
It has since been revealed that Fitlads is haemorrhaging money, like a coprophile shitting diarrhoea over her lover, due to Joseph's genius (and in no way autistic) idea of deleting the paying members and spending all the profits on satiating his personality disorder.
As of 17 October 2011: Joseph's paranoia metastasised into a particularly virulent lulz destroying cancer. The self-styled Fuhrer now imagines coordinated conspiracies everywhere directed against him and his once lulzy, though now piffling, website and will delete anyone who questions his logic, reasoning or sanity. Experts claim it is not clear which of his myriad personalities so objects to opposing opinions - there are some, however, who argue that as an asspie he has never developed a personality let alone possessing several.
Those who Joe has slighted throughout his 40 years of existence will express unalloyed joy when they find out he is, in fact, broke and that his site is now being financed by Provident loans. Even the most moneyhungry of companies have now withdrawn their advertising support after having Joe's newfound National Socialism elucidated for them. Paying members no longer contribute because they mistakenly believed they were entitled to an opinion on a site which they helped fund. The joke is on them, however, because as consumers they're entitled to fuck-all, least of all any sort of reward for loyalty. They have largely been removed by His Asspieness when their candy-ass views were at odds with his latest mood swing and desperately misguided attempts to salvage what remains of his now defunded site.
To make a bad financial situation worse - office time is now severely restricted. All staff have been instructed by Mr Rainman to hide when the Provident woman comes knocking - something which Andrea in particular objects to (it is thought that the scent of another female makes Andrea's vagina uncomfortably wet; due to profuse seepage and the saline nature of her vaginal mucous, this causes unbearable chafing). With funding rapidly drying up it is thought David will have to step in and rent out his jealously guarded 15-year-old "friends". Due to David looking like a trainwreck, and thus the only boys he could get would be donkeys, it is unclear if the site can survive into 2012. One solution has been to outsource Joseph to a team of Indian call centres; this has the benefit of being cheaper and slightly more coherent/reasonable than the real life Joseph Hill.
At the end of November 2011 Andrea was fired due to the financial problems the site was experiencing. It was also felt best that Andrea be the member of staff to let go as fitlads.net HQ was not meeting the carbon emission limit regulations required of it. As Andrea is the equivalent in size to four fully grown cows, and expels the same amount of deadly methane, it made both environmental and financial sense to send her back onto the streets into the arms of her heroin dealer.
Subscribers of the uberfags David and Joe come in many shapes, colors, and sizes. All, however, have one thing in common: not only are these fag recruits looked down upon by the entire universe of normal people, but they're also the repressed, withdrawn recluses of homosexual society, sneered at and disregarded by the proper queers of the world. The primary location of interaction on Fitlads is the "forums", a listed chatroom in which members may exchange remarks under their own titles and photographs.
These socially retarded losers, clutching perilously to their last ounce of dignity, constantly troll the forums day in and day out, week after week, in a desperate struggle for some self-gratification and satisfaction with their dreadful little lives. They, somewhat like a parasite, feed off the other member's insecurities, passionately squashing those weaker than themselves, extinguishing their will to live and ultimately culminating in the psychologically devastated faggot's suicide: go:delete.
The hierarchy of the membership is determined firstly by Joseph, in that any members he would like to get to know better have immunity from any form of suspension or deletion. Secondly David confers protection on to anyone who happens to be smooth and who looks fifteen.
The next level down consists of the old timers. These members are mostly shown respect and allegiance by other, more lowly members no matter how dull, moronic and crusty they usually are. These people take great pleasure in troll hunting, while missing the blindingly obvious fact that they themselves are indeed trolls (evinced by their propensity to call up thread numbers from a long time ago and unerring ability to wind up anybody who disagrees with their viewpoint), albeit not particularly good ones. Anyone who fails to respect their elders and wisers will instantly be labeled a troll, and eventually cornered into deletion such as Alanhe who then persisted on calling the Admins and having these irrational phonecalls:[Alans Phonecall Smackdown]
It is interesting to note here that Andrea is an ex smack-head who has probably turned tricks to get her fix, or maybe even made her slutty daughter turn tricks. It can only be assumed that since hypocrisy is such an integral part of the Fitlads ethos that new admin are made to attend rigorous training sessions in order to perfect the art. Thus, it is a little rich that she accuses this "scallyjordan" fellow of being a hooker when this obese ox is a drain on society not just through her disgusting habits but also through the megawatts of calories she needs just to maintain her base existence.
Further down the food-chain come the bitches. Equipped with "your momma" comebacks, nigra wannabe slang, and grouping together in herds, they like to feed on the easy prey of the site: the amoebae who are fatter, camper and even more ugly than their predators. Admin are an exception to this evolutionary bloodbath, as they are incredibly witty and not at all boring, unattractive or petty.
Jade Goody on Fitlads
Jade GoodyGate: In early 2009, as our Essex Princess was fighting off terminal fanny rot, part owner of Fitlads, Joseph, suffered another of his extreme mood swings, which resulted in him posting a video on JewTube in which he called Jade a "fat media whore cow and pig". He also commented that if any "vegetarian, fairtrade coffee drinking, Labour Party voting, politically correct" people were upset by his video, then "fuck you". This resulted in mucho lulz, and a literally red-faced Joseph removed the video the next morning, on strict instructions from David, who was a little concerned that the publicity may not be all good. This was a high point for Joe, but sadly any attempts to re-post the video are often thwarted by David & Joe Ltd, as they try to lay a copyright claim on Joseph's un-medicated outbursts.
When the gay press got hold of the story an unrepentant Joe asked members to stick up for him in the comments section. Shamefully he only managed to get a handful of site members to stick their tongues firmly up his psoriasis ridden anus. Joseph now feels more alienated than ever and only finds comfort by hiding behind his big Fisher Price delete button while drinking his own urine.
The Deletion Of Joseph
On Thursday the 9th of February 2012 at 19:23hrs GMT Joseph made a live announcement from the gardens of fitlads.net HQ announcing his departure from the site for good.
In his excitement (probably due to the impending "change" he was about to instigate) he became a little confused and mistakenly wrote that "It's become obvious that members can't see the distinction between me as a private member using fitlads, and me as one of the owners" while seemingly oblivious to the blindingly obvious fact that the sole thing that had been hindering any success the site could have had was that Joseph, Our Dear Autist, was himself unable to make that distinction.
An example, one of many, of members not being able to make that important distinction:
Barely ten minutes after the idiot member was unable to make the distinction, Our Dear Autist, armed with a new (as yet un-outed) trolling profile, deleted from the site apparently 4EVA; or, at least, until he needs to find additional greasy, fat bastards to manipulate his wretched, disfigured penor.
Other (not-so Recent) Notable Events
If you are thinking of entering the world of Fitlads.net be warned that your chances of dying an early and gruesome death will increase exponentially. Not only is the site crawling with riddled rent bois more emaciated than a Dachau Jew on the Atkins diet and malicious psycho-trannies there also lurks cannibalism, shit eaters, murderers, arsonists, sex offenders and waspish teenagers. Approximately thirty members meet a suspicious end every year. Just ask Mr Gay 1993, Anthony Morley, he'll tell you.
The site nearly exploded, and the admin finally had to shell out for a new server (pictured on right), when a delightful, donkey-dicked, male escort, transvestite, and soon to be staggeringly beautiful female facsimile, Manneka adopted an underage son, then proceeded to make sweet muskrat lovin' to him on a not-so-regular basis, while he desperately tried to find some slightly less screwed up shemale for some real manlove, resulting in the birth of Fitlads' sage, a Nordic saga of threads and threats. Jeremy Kyle would have been green with envy, if he had known about the broken promises, the broken windows and the penis in a jar by the door. All forum contributors acted with the utmost decorum and complete dignity until the show was over, and some suitable deletions had taken place.
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