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Flash

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Behold the power of flash!
Flash would go on to be dramouted as hacker software by internet god, T. Reginald Gibbons.

Flash is a trojan horse computer virus designed to prevent people under 25 from ever procreating. While flash poses as that thing you need to make YouTube work, Flash is named after its ulterior motive. Flash's real goal is to make laptops run so incredibly hot that the heat generated will "flash" the users nuts with enough heat to render them sterile.


History

In the late 90's, flash somehow got into the hands of some sweaty, fat-assed, nerds who decided to use it to make hentai and poorly created stick figure animations, sex kitten games and sim dates. These "cartoons" and "interactive games" became popular when people realized the Internet could do a lot cooler things than showing images of dancing hamsters. Flash "artists" immediately set to work creating flash files of dancing hamsters. These were then uploaded to Newgrounds.

Small businesses began to catch on to the cartooning craze, and began asking 13 year olds to develop tedious flash intros for their shitty companies.

A few cutting edge big businesses began incorporating flash, but they were quickly bankrupted by the huge cost of doing business with 13 year olds:

"Here is your update. I made the red button again but I still do not understand when you say the red is different because of your paradigm. Can you provide the hex codes for your color instead of Pantene colors? This update is free but the last one will cost $10. I hope that is ok. Also, how long does it take to get a cheque, I have not received the first one yet ($40). I am not sure if Flash can control your Router and Oracles, I will get back to you on that. Thank you very much for your services, signed CEO of BounceGrafix 2000 Design."

and also by lawsuits filed by the Java Programmer Old Man's Union.

Purchasing Pirating

Flash is somewhat expensive costs over 9000 dollars, so it is often pirated. Newer versions incorporate copy-protection measures which are more difficult to crack even easier to break.

How to draw a square using Flash Studio CS3 CS4 ActionScript 3.0 Flex

1. Click the square tool
2. Draw a square on the screen
3. Select it and click Transform > Align To Center
package{
import flash.display.Sprite; 
public class simple_shape extends Sprite{ 
var square:Sprite; 
public function simple_shape(){
square = new Sprite();
addChild(square);
square.graphics.lineStyle(3,0x00ff00);
square.graphics.beginFill(0x0000FF);
square.graphics.drawRect(0,0,100,100);
square.graphics.endFill();
square.x = stage.stageWidth/2-square.width/2;
square.y = stage.stageHeight/2-square.height/2;
}}
}

How to be hired by a big company as a Flash Developer

  • Buy templates from the 3rd world and say you made them
  • Use the copypasta method of programming.

How to be hired by a big company as a Flash Cartoonist

  • Work for free
  • Love cock

How to steal RTMP videos found on the internets

If you are too new to torrent videos off the interwebs, or to hide your porn, it is likely that you stream videos over the web. On occasion, you may wish to download these videos. More often than not, things are are straightforward and all you need to do to get the video is use live HTTP Headers to find the HTTP URL of the video and download it that way. However, some sites use the flash RTMP protocol to transfer the video in real time, instead of a standard buffer/download over HTTP. This is done for a number of reasons: (i) to troll, (ii) to prevent copying of videos and (iii) to ensure that only 10 seconds of video is ever buffered after the exact point of the video you are currently viewing to save bandwidth costs. The latter is annoying because if you have a slow internet connection that not even deleting system 32 can speed up, the video keeps stopping and starting when you try to watch it and there is nothing you can do about it.


So...how do I downloaded video?

Instructions: Warning: There is a prerequisite of Computer Science III for this course.

  • Install Linux and learn how to do computer with it.
  • Download the RTMPDump software and compile it for use on the Linux kernal. This can be done using the following code in the terminal:
cd /path/to/where/you/want/to/install/the/warez/
svn checkout svn://svn.mplayerhq.hu/rtmpdump/trunk rtmpdump
cd rtmpdump
make linux
  • The software is installed and you can use it again and again, just run CD /path/to/where/you/installed/it**/rtmpdump/**. to invoke the script.
We now need to get the video's location so we can download it. We do this by scanning the port on your computer that flash player streams videos through. To do this we need to redirect traffic from that port to the warez we just installed using the following code:
sudo "iptables -t nat -A OUTPUT -p tcp --dport 1935 -m owner \! --uid-owner proxy -j REDIRECT; su -c ./rtmpsrv proxy"
We then navigate to the web page with the video on and press play (or reload the page if it has already begun playing). The terminal will spot the video trying to stream through the port and output something like:
./rtmpdump -r "rtmpe://cp9950.edgefcs.net:1935/ondemand?ovpfv=1.1" -a "ondemand?ovpfv=1.1"
 -f "LNX 10,0,42,34" -W "http://media.mtvnservices.com/player/release/?v=4.2.2-8" 
 -p "http://www.colbertnation.com/full-episodes/thu-january-14-2010-kathleen-sebelius" -C Z:
 -y "mp4:mtvnorigin/gsp.comedystor/com/colbert/season_06/episode_008/cr_06008_act1_768x432_1720.mp4"
 -o cr_06008_act1_768x432_1720.mp4

It will then invoke the rtmpdump command with those parameters and download the video to the file specified by the -o option.

ALL DONE!!!! Enter 'q' to quit the rtmpsrv command. If rtmpsrv didn't work then try running rtmpsuck instead.

  • This is why you have to press those annoying human verification buttons when you try to stream videos. That and additional ad revenue.

/Owning Adobe and its shitty copy protection encrypted streaming mechanism.

Ripoffs

Go animate

Easy Toon

Easy Toon is the black person Flash. All it can do is make colorless animations that come out looking like drawings done in MS Paint. Easy Toon is mainly used by noobs that are too retarded to at least get the demo version of Flash.

The interface

The amazing design of the Easy Toon's logo

Easy Toon has no interface, which could explain why it is only used by retards. But if you look past the lack of style, you will see that it's really a great program.

Animation

If MS Paint could animate, it would be Easy Toon... Except without the colors. No matter how bad it sounds, you can still make cool animations with it. Just look at all of the talent in these

<center> Okay, this one actually took some talent. Pity it wasn't used on Flash.</center>

Basically, every Easy Toon animation is the same because they all are stickmen beating the shit out of walls.

Oh boy I wish I had some colors

Shitty Flash cartoons and Flash "artists"


Flash as a prank

Alternatives to Flash

Adobe Flash

Did you mean shovelware?

Adobe Flash Bundled With More Shit.jpg
Why yes, I would like McAfee and Intel to infect my computer

External Links