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Food Not Bombs
Food Not Bombs is one of the premier attention whoring organizations of the world. They are a loosely affiliated network of worthless anarchist and closet pyro bombshock user groups all dedicated to the fucking idiot hippy idea that some lousy digested food they found on the toilet is somehow cooler than the totally awesome high tech bombs that ensure the United States of Americunts military supremacy. They like to feed the homeless. FNB recently got fucked in the ass by the city government of Orlan-duh, Flori-duh. FNB is currently on the process of changing their name to "Cock Not Bombs".
At first glance, Food Not Bombs has the potential to be one of the world's lulziest IRL trolling groups. Unfortunately, for all of us, they apparently take themselves seriously. Like most excluded commie groups, their membership appears to be comprised mainly of rich college students suffering from unwarranted self importance who believe their left-leaning ass fucked ideas are serious fucking business.
The group began in the early 1980's, protesting a nuclear power plant built near Boston. In a move typical of the self-important, they turned to graffiti vandalism when they couldn't gain any attention based on the merit of their shit arguments alone. They spray-painted the slogan "Food Not Bombs" around the city because they fucking seriously thought that nuclear bombs are made at nuclear power plants (in a way, they are, indirectly, as plutonium - which is almost useless for anything but bombs - is one of the most likely products of the uranium enrichment reaction). As a means of increasing the amount of people that showed up to their protests, they began to hand out free meals to homeless people made with surplus food (garbage) from local grocery stores. Thus, a shitty meme was born.
Orlando Food Not Bombs
Last Thursday, a particularly gay form of Food Not Bombs appeared in Orlando, Florida. Despite its veneer as a world class tourist destination, Orlando has a growing problem with the homeless. Intent on making everyone know their position against recent American military action, Food Not Bombs decided that the best way to
exploit help the homeless was to parade them around Lake Eola, a public park right in the middle of downtown, close to where lots of rich people live and/or work. However, by doing this, they pissed off their own rich families and thus, got beaten and raped then kicked out of their houses (like their precious homeless people) by their fathers. FNB decided to pass out free meals, made from food found in a dumpster, at Lake Eola every Wednesday at 5pm. (because bums only need to eat once a week, amirite?) By sheer coincidence (hint: because of their faggotry), crimes commited by transients in that area increased.
City Attempts to Ban FNB Faggotry
Orlando leaders have had a long tradition of hatred for the homeless, and current mayor Buddy Dyer and city commissioner Patty Sheehan are no exception. Infuriated by Food Not Bomb's moronic antics, they attempted to ban them. The City created a poorly worded ordinance saying that no one may feed more than 25 people in any park downtown without obtaining a permit, and no one may obtain more than 2 permits per year. But the FNB kept exploiting loopholes, like holding feedings in the street, or sending several groups to the park at once, each one serving less than 24 people.
When the Orlando Commission made the ordinance, they also designated a "large group feedings" site on Sylvia Lane, in an industrial part of town, about a ten minute walk from Lake Eola. The city would offer security and clean-up at this site. FNB rejected the site as "unacceptable" due to the lack of running water, public restrooms, and pretty flowers. In lieu of restroom facilities, the city provided four "gross" port-a-johns at the site. Though port-a-johns are good enough for construction workers and soldiers serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, they just won't cut it with the rich and beautiful gayctivists of Food Not Bombs and the homeless people they
fuck in the ass help exploit. What FNB failed to mention was that their biggest problem with the Sylvia Lane site was the egregious shortage of news-cameras, media people, and ATTENTION. Because what's the point of feeding homeless people if noone is there to see you do it, amirite?
OPD Fucks Up
On April 4, 2007, the Orlando Police made a huge mistake by arresting an FNB hippy named Eric Montanez for violating the "Large Group Feedings" ordinance. Then they threw him in the pokey to rot, for a few hours, until the ACLU bonded him out. The officers making the arrest managed to restrain themselves from tazing Montanez, but the incident still provided Food Not Bombs with a smug, self-righteous sense of persecution, and more importantly, the attention they so craved.
The Orlando Five, NEVAR FORGET!
On June 27, Food Not Bombs protested outside a fundraiser for Mayor Buddy Dyer. Since their very presence wasn't obnoxious enough, they decided to bring a bunch of fucking drums to maximize their faggotry. When they refused to stop drumming, Orlando Police arrested 6 of the protesters for violating the city's "Don't be a Fucking Douche" ordinance. Their names: Jonathan Giralt, Ryan Hutchinson, Bryan Jones, Brett Mason, Eric Montanez(him again? what a coincidence!) and Will Vertlieb. Giralt was a minor, and had the charges against him dropped. "The Orlando Five" are awaiting trial.
FNB now refers to Orlando's Mayor as "Cruddy Dyer-rhea" because they love diarrhea. How clever.
On July 19, The Orlando Weekly paper named Food Not Bombs as the "Best Protesters" of 2007. FNB bragged about the honor on the front page of their website, which should tell you where their priorities are.
On October 8-10, Food Not Bombs held an event called "Ladle-Fest.". which would coincide with the trial of Eric Montanez. It was three days of pure attention-whoring and hot meals served three times a day so that the homeless could eat well, for three days anyway. On the 9th, FNB defeated the City of Orlando by getting Montanez acquitted of the charges against him. Orlando Food Not Bombs achieved EPIC FAIL by weekly feeding shit to the homeless and flooding the city with their pot-smoking gay-parade-marching crap. They got all the attention they wanted by convincing people that bums would be dropping dead left and right from starvation if they couldn't get their free once-a-week meal from FNB. They also likely received a lot of donation money that could have gone to one of the 16 other service providers for the homeless in Orlando that serve three meals a day seven days a week, have no problems following city ordinances, and aren't in it for the attention. Regardless of the service the homeless are fed from, they now can focus their welfare on the thing that got them poor in the first place, drugs and alcohol. Thats donation and tax payer dollers hard at work, helping drug addicts afford food and drugs so they can die of overdose with your help.
- OFNB crying about the city-ordained "Large Group Feedings site
- Crying about the protest arrests
- Their Yahoo Group
- 'Til The Last Belly is Full, The OFNB blawg, WARNING: SMUG ALERT
The Orlando Weekly names OFNB "Best Protesters 2007"
|Featured article January 2, 2010|
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