Foodfight!

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Foodfight banner.jpg
Budget: $65,000,000
Box Office: $73,000


   
 
Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
 

 
 

Charlie Sheen on this movie.

Foodfight! (yes, that is read as Foodfight exclamation mark), aka The Room of animated movies (although comparing this to The Room is a huge insult to Tommy Wiseau), is a 90-minute furry porno and the world's longest Playstation 1 cutscene that looks like it was animated by Chernobyl victims. This piece of shit cost $65 million to make and just thinking about where that money could have gone makes the viewer hate it even more. It features Charlie Sheen who was most likely high off his ass during filming, Wayne Brady trying and failing to be black, Hilary Duff who was 15 at the time she recorded her voice who's character is engaged to a 48 year old Charlie Sheen (nothing wrong here), Eva "Washed up" Longeria as Hitler's slutty grand daughter, and Christopher Lloyd who, like most of his roles, is the best character but unfortunately cannot save this horrid trip through hell. It is noted that Lloyd's character should have his own spin-off with no plot, no other characters, just him spazzing out. This movie was released in 2012 with 1999 graphics.

"Plot" summary[edit]

Hillary Duff, age 15.

The movie is pretty much Casablanca remade by a bunch of DreamWorks rejects. It starts out in a supermarket that looks like it was designed by Ru'paul. After closing time, a bunch of fucked up food mascots, aka "Ikes" (subtle movie, real subtle) come to life, so this movie is also like Toy Story, except if you show this movie to your kids, they'll try to kill you in your sleep. They will then grow up to have sex with animals in local supermarkets. A completely rational response to what they have just experienced.

The main character is a Scruff McGruff lookalike named Dex Dogtective, who is the only form of law enforcement in the crime-ridden slums of this supermarket. Dex, along with his nigger squirrel friend Daredevil Dan, aka Jar Nig Binks, go around doing... stuff. Dex's bimbo catgirl fiancée, Sunshine Goodness (whoever named these characters needs to be shot), who is played by a 15-year-old Hilary Duff, gets kidnapped or some stupid shit and Dex emoquits his job as a detective, thus thrusting the supermarket into an anarchist cesspool of crime and murder. If only that plot could actually make this movie more interesting...

Christopher Lloyd's pimp-walk.

Soon, this dude with Tourette's, who is actually the best character in the movie (mainly because he is voiced by Christopher Lloyd), comes to the store with something called Brand X, which in the mascot world is the equivalent of the Third Reich. So yes, this is a kids movie with fucking Nazis. If for some reason you haven't ragequit after reading this far, the Brand X Nazi Regime is led by an anorexic whore named Lady X, voiced by the washed up Eva Longoria, who, with a couple of sexual innuendos, pointless dance moves, and yoga poses, somehow manages to take control of the city.

After years of cocaine abuse, Dex decides to be a detective again and attempts to start a resistance to stop these Nazi products. After a few confusing plot holes and a miserable-looking battle scene, Dex's girlfriend, who was supposed to be dead at this point, suddenly reappears, and then after a cat fight between her and Lady X, who was the spastic salesman the whole time (which makes no sense), Lady X gets cunt-punted and turns into a fat cow feminist. Dex and his bimbo girlfriend get married and it is revealed that Dex is a dirty Jew and that this movie was Jewish propaganda the whole time.

Cast who regretted this movie[edit]

The director and Sheen's coke dealer, Larry Kasanoff. He was fired during production.
  • Dex Dogtective - Charlie "WINNING" Sheen - Main character, gives up his career as a detective when his interspecies love interest disappears. Spends the following months wallowing in his misery and eventually returns from his food product binge to fight the supermarket Nazis. Complete fucking beta.
  • Daredevil Dan - Wayne Brady - Token nigger. Pretty much the donkey from Shrek, but more hateable.
  • Lady X - Eva Longoria - Disgusting hambeast who after some Brazilian cosmetic surgery becomes a slutty Adolf Hitler.
  • Mr. Clipboard - Christopher Lloyd - The only likable character in the movie. Turns out to actually be a robot controlled by Lady X.
  • Sunshine Goodness - Hilary Duff - Dex's loli love interest, kidnapped and murdered early in the movie only to inexplicably return to kick Lady X's ass with fighting moves that can only be accomplished by someone with dislocated elbows.
  • Mr. Leonard - Ed Asner - Grocery store owner, succumbs to the Nazis quicker than France and cries over a trampled bag of chips.
  • Polar Penguin - Chris Kattan - No redeeming value. Looks like a white mage from Final Fantasy who ate too much Kid's Cuisine.
  • Gay Nazi Leader (doesn't really have/need a name) - Jeff Bennett - Jim Carry's "The Mask" meets the Third Reich meets Fetlife meets Tim Curry.
  • Midget Nazi General - Martin Klebba, aka the midget from Pirates of the Caribbean - Chronic flatulence.
  • Vlad Chocool, aka the gay bat - Nobody important - Is a gay bat. That's about as much depth as this character gets.
  • Maximilus Moose - Some wop - AY, FOHGIT ABOUT IT.
  • Dr. Jew Nose - James Arnold Taylor, aka the guy that voiced Tidus as well as Rachet in Rachet and Clank - A giant jew nose.
  • Annoying Weasel - Lawrence Kasanoff - An annoying salesmen weasel that sounds like Mario who, in one scene, actually offers Dex a sex doll after asking him about his "Lonely nights"
  • Fat Cat Burglar - Harvey Fierstein - A fat rat that steals pussy from Dex and has naked hamsters as sidekicks, who are vulnerable to cheese.

Mascots that make cameos - Mr. Clean, Twinkie the Kid, Mrs. Butterworth, Charlie the Tuna, The California Raisins, Punchy the Hawaiian Punch guy, The Honey Smacks Frog (I think),Chef Boyardee (who, according to this movie, makes pizza now instead of processed ravioli in a can) and other mascots from companies who later regretted allowing this to happen. It is also noted that some times, the studio could not get rights to use certain mascots(smart choice on the companies part) and had to make ripoffs of their own like Chiquita Banana, the Brawny guy ,Kid Cuisine, Wonka's Nerds, Count Chocula and many others. Case in point, the Keebler Elves. The film was originally going to feature Chester Cheetah, but the film wasn't cheesy enough to feature his likeness.

Child-friendly quotes[edit]

As a PG film starring Charlie Sheen, this movie chalks up enough sexual innuendo to make even a disabled whale on welfare wet.

   
 
It warms my heart how you love my raisins
 

 
 

—Hilary Duff, age 15

   
 
I'm gonna pop your corn, lady!
 

 
 

—Dex

   
 
Lady X wants to go home and play lick the frosting.
 

 
 

—Daredevil Dan

   
 
Oh man! I never got to play lick the icing with sweetcakes!
 

 
 

—Daredevil Dan

   
 
With you on my back? Not that i mind that.
 

 
 

—A homosexual bat

   
 
Only Brand X officials are permitted in the aisles. All violators will be punished. Oh I hope there are violators, I just love violation!
 

 
 

—A homosexual green nazi

   
 
I could just kill you, that would be fun! more fun than a spanking!
 

 
 

—The same gay nazi

   
 
I think I just wet myself... fells rather nice
 

 
 

—Homonazi after getting a gun stuck up his dickhole.

   
 
Oh mamacita, yo sweetcakes, nice packaging! How about some chocolate frosting? I'd like to butter your muffin.
 

 
 

—Daredevil Dan

   
 
Are those melons real?
 

 
 

—Daredevil Dan

   
 
Care to join me in a warm rinse?
 

 
 

—Lady X to Dex

   
 
I'm not that dirty.
 

 
 

—Dex's response.

   
 
I will scrub your bubbles, Dex
 

 
 

—Well in that case...

   
 
Wait! I haven't shown you my secret ingredient.
 

 
 

—Lady X

   
 
Yea saltlick, you can kiss my additives.
 

 
 

—Daredevil Dan

   
 
What can I say? Chicks dig chocolate.
 

 
 

—Lady X

   
 
Lady X digs my sweet flavor and oh so sweet bod.
 

 
 

—Daredevil Dan

   
 
Size only matters for men.
 

 
 

—Lady X

   
 
C'mon baby, Dan's your man, melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
 

 
 

—Daredevil Dan



And of course no children's movie is complete without a heaping scoop of Jewish propaganda:

   
 
We need to send all inferior Ikes to where they belong... to the expiration station.
 

 
 

—Lady X referring to the Jewish Ikes.

   
 
Dex is jewish? - Yea! Kosher food! - Soy vey! Who knew!
 

 
 

—This is literally how the movie ends.


Facts about this abomination[edit]

Charlie Sheen's reaction when reminded of his role as Dex the Dog Detective. This was followed by a 3-week binge.
An eerily-accurate portrayal of Jews.

The following is a list of true facts about FoodFight!:

  • It cost $65 million to make.
  • Was released in 2012 and has animation that looks like belongs on a PSX
  • Production started in 1999. It took them 12 years to make it.
  • In December 2002, while the film was still in development, the hard drives holding the animation were stolen. The filmmakers had to start from scratch. The director blamed the theft on "industrial espionage" ...YYYYEEEAAA....SUUURRREEEE.
  • The title on the DVD has pictures of Charlie the Tuna, Twinkie the Kid, that Pickle Bird, and Mrs. Butterworth in the middle so it looks like they are the main characters, when really they are barely in the movie at all, tricking people into thinking the movie is about popular food mascots and therefore interesting.
  • Larry Kasanoff is a lousy Jew.
  • Haylee Duff, Hilary Duff's sister, makes a brief cameo in the movie but is billed before most major characters.
  • In September 2011, with the film still unreleased, bondholders forced the sale of the movie at auction - the opening bid was set at $2.5 million.
  • This movie is 45% food puns, 45% sexual innuendos, 10% Brand Slogans, and 100% shit.
  • It cost $65 million to make.
  • The movie has a 1.8 score on IMDB...which is far too generous.
  • This is the only film on Rotten Tomatoes to achieve a negative user review score before the website was updated. Yep.
  • In 2004, the company that made this movie said they planned to be the biggest rival to Pixar. We can see how well that turned out.
  • Director Larry Kasanoff was booted from the film near the end of production for constantly injecting more fucked up plot holes and tasteless jokes.
  • Charlie Sheen's cocaine addiction was a direct result of this movie.
  • In the movie, Dex eats raisins. Raisins are extremely toxic to dogs.
  • A lot of lines were recorded over the phone, and it is very obvious.
  • It took 12 years to make.
  • It cost $65 million to make.
  • Did I mention it cost $65 million to make?

Reception[edit]

   
 
FOODFIGHT! is a sick and pathetic effort to take advantage of young children for monetary gain. It raises the commercial assault on children to a new level of brazenness. Some people will stoop to any level to make a buck, and sadly, FOODFIGHT! is an example.
 

 
 

—Gary Ruskin, Commercial Alert



   
 
"...the grotesque ugliness of the animation alone would be a deal-breaker even if the film weren’t also glaringly inappropriate in its sexuality, nightmare-inducing in its animation, and filled with Nazi overtones and iconography even more egregiously unfit for children than the script’s wall-to-wall gauntlet of crude double entendres and weird intimations of interspecies sex.
 

 
 

—The AV Club



   
 
I actually worked on this movie for a bit. It was one of my first jobs in the industry and let me tell you, if you think it was a train wreck viewing, you should have seen how terrible it was to work on it. The sad truth is there were plenty of talented people working there. many of those people moved on to major studios in both film, TV and games. The bottom line is the director, Larry Kasanoff is a talent-less, classless scumbag that should be banned from Hollywood until the end of time. All of the inappropriate innuendos are a direct product of his "creative hand". I cannot tell you how many times this moron derailed production with his brainless input. It literally has cost the studio millions of dollars. They eventually stepped in and removed him from the project. Unfortunately, that was a decade and millions of dollars late. I am so ashamed of this movie that I have completely left working there off of my resume. On behalf of the many artists that have had the dubious distinction of working on this dumpster fire, I apologize to all of humanity for our part in this.
 

 
 

—Anonymous


   
 
"HEY CHARLIE! REMEMBER FOODFIGHT!?!"
 

 
 

—What you should ask Charlie Sheen if you ever see him



   
 
"NO, I WAS HIGH OFF MY ASS!!"
 

 
 

—Charlie Sheen's most likely response


Gallery[edit]

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Videos[edit]

Watch the entire abomination on YouTube
The slightly more tolerable MST3K Annotated Version (full playlist)


Before the great hard drive theft of 2002.

Related Articles[edit]

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

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Featured article April 17 & 18, 2014
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