Francesco Schettino

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Francesco Shitino or Captain Lulzpants is an Italiano seaman who crashed his giant cockboat the "Costa Concordia" just off an Italian island for teh lulz then legged it quicker than you could say "Titanic". It is documented that Schettino was passing the island too close because he was waving at some of his friends on the shore at which point the ship's hull got raped by some underwater rocks and everything got flip turned upside down. While the passengers and crew all collectively shat bricks as things got a little anti-gravitational, Schettino jet packed out of there without a single scratch.

Falco gets Butthurt[edit]

After landing down on a beach somewhere, Schettino was chillaxing with a cold martini when the Anti-lulz brigade decided to call in the form of the coast guard captain Gregorio De Falco. Being the boring party pooper he is, Falco demanded that Schettino get back on the ship, to which Schettino casually denied in various ways. At one point Falco uttered the words "Vada A Bordo, Cazzo!" which schmoogle translates into "get on board, fuck!". Many a retarded italian picked up on the phrase and immediately decided to make it a hilarious meme by printing it on T-shirts and failbook and all other forms of cancerous shit. Not to mention even more cancer in the form of a retarded image macro of Schettino for all the 12 year old fucknuts to shit ingenious captions over. So fahnny

Partial Audio of The conversation[edit]

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Transcript[edit]

Falco: "This is De Falco speaking from Livorno. Am I speaking with the commander?"

Schettino: "Yes Good Evening, Commander De Falco."

Falco: Commander: "Tell me Your Name, please."

Schettino: "I am Captain Schettino."

Falco: "Schettino?"

Schettino: "Yes."

Falco: "Listen Schettino:"

Falco: "There are people trapped on board"

Falco: "So now you go with your lifeboat"

Falco: "just under the prow on the starboard side."

Falco: "There is a little pilot ladder."

Falco: "You then climb that ladder"

Falco: "And go on board of the ship."

Falco:"You go on board"

Falco: "And get back to me and tell me how many people there are."

Falco: "Is that clear?"

Falco: "I am recording this conversation, Cmdr. Schettino..."

Schettino: "Commander, let me tell you one thing..."

De Falco: "Speak up!"

Schettino: "Then, the boat, now... I'm here in front of..."

De Falco: "Commander, Speak louder!"

De Falco: "Put your hand in front of the microphone and speak louder!"

De Falco: "Is it clear?"

Schettino: "Tell him come here..." (referring to someone else)

Schettino: "In this moment, the boat is tipping..."

De Falco: "I've understood that! There are people..."

De Falco: "Listen!"

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De Falco: "There are people that are coming down the pilot ladder of the prow."

De Falco: "You go up that pilot ladder,"

De Falco: "Get on that ship and tell me how many people are still on board"

De Falco: "And what they have on board. Clear?"

De Falco: "You tell me if there are children, women, or people in need of assistance."

De Falco: "And tell me the exact number of each of these categories."

De Falco: "Is that clear?"

De Falco: "Listen Schettino, maybe you saved yourself from the sea,"

De Falco: "But I am going to make sure you get in trouble."

De Falco: "Go on board, fuck!"

Schettino: "Commander, please..."

De Falco: "No, please. You now get up and go on board."

De Falco: "Give me your assurance that you are boarding the ship!"

Schettino: "I am here with the rescue boats,"

Schettino: "I am here, I am not going anywhere, I am here..."

De Falco: "What are you doing, Commander?"

Schettino: "I am here to co-ordinate the rescue..."

De Falco: "What are you co-ordinating from there?"

De Falco: "Go on board! Co-ordinate the rescue from aboard the ship."

De Falco: "Are you refusing?"

Schettino: "No, I am not refusing."

De Falco: "Are you refusing to go aboard commander?"

Schettino: "No, no...I'm not going there"

De Falco: "And tell me why you are not going?"

Schettino: "I am not going because the other lifeboat is stopped."

De Falco: "You go aboard. It is an order."

De Falco: "Don't make any more evaluation. You have declared 'abandon ship."

De Falco: "Now I am in charge."

De Falco: "You go onboard!"

De Falco: "Is that clear?"

De Falco: "Do you hear me?"

Schettino: "I'm going..."

De Falco: "Go!"

De Falco: "Call me immediately when you are aboard."

De Falco: "My air rescue crew is there."

Schettino: "Where are your rescuers?"

De Falco: "My air rescue is on the prow."

De Falco: "Go!"

De Falco: "There are already bodies, Schettino. Go!"

Schettino: "How many bodies are there?"

De Falco: "I don't know! I have heard of one!"

De Falco: "You are the one who has to tell me how many there are. Christ."

Schettino: "But do you realise it is dark and here we can't see anything..."

De Falco: "And so what? You want to go home, Schettino?"

De Falco: "It's dark and you want to go home?"

De Falco: "Get on that prow of the boat using the pilot ladder"

De Falco: "And tell me what can be done, how many people there are"

De Falco: "And what their needs are."

De Falco: "Now!"

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Schettino: "Commander...I am with my second in command."

De Falco: "What?"

Schettino: "I am with my second in command here"

De Falco: "Go both of you go up onboard, then."

De Falco: "What's the name of the second-in-command?"

Schettino: "His name is Dimitri mmblmbr"

De Falco: "What is the name of the second-in-command?"

Schettino: "Dimitri smorgenmumble"

De Falco: "Dimitri what!?"

Schettino: "Dimitri mumblemumblrsh"

De Falco: "You and your second-in-command get onboard. Now! Is that clear?"

Schettino: "Commander, I want to go aboard...but"

Schettino: "But the other lifeboat here as stopped and is drifting"

Schettino: "I have called other rescuers, the lifeboat has stopped"

Schettino: "Now I have called other rescuers..."

De Falco: "It has been an hour that you have been telling me the same thing."

De Falco: "Now you get onboard. Get onboard!"

De Falco: "And tell me immediately how many people there are."

Schettino: "Allright, Commander, I'm going."

De Falco: "Go! Immediately!"

Post Calamity Shenanigans[edit]

After he was unjustly arrested for some bullshit trumped up charge like "dereliction of duty" or "manslaughter" or whatever, Schettino came up with a completely reasonable explanation for why he left the ship in the first place.


   
 
I was trying to get people to get into the boats in an orderly fashion. Suddenly, since the ship was at a 60-70° angle, I tripped and I ended up in one of the boats. That's how I found myself in the lifeboat
 

 
 

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So there you have it, he tripped and fell, and of course had no choice but to stay in the lifeboat, get a cab to a hotel, and order some room-service before getting the call from douchebag Falco. Schettino's lulzy trolling caused the watery death of 15 people, and he will go down in history as the best sea Captain evar!!11

Last Thursday, Captain Schettino sued Costa Cruises for wrongful dismissal, and plans to write a tell-all book about the disaster, which he claims will reveal The Truth about the disaster.

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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Featured article January 24th and 25th, 2012
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