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Freedom of speech

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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At least 100 years ago people did not have free speech and were only allowed to speak in 5-word sentences. Then they found out how much fun it was to yell 'Fire!' in a crowded room and watch everyone stampede over each other to get out. Death and lulz ensued and Freedom of Speech was born. Freedom of Speech means you can say whatever you want whenever you want to whomever you want. It is invoked in flame wars to act like a retard under the guise of protecting "basic civil liberties."

The First Amendment

Well over 100 years ago, the Americunt forefathers took a break from the slaughter of Injuns and beating their slave to decide that all land-owning white men had certain inalienable rights. These rights were established as the Bill of Rights and was the beginning of the U.S. constitution. The first which gives us the freedom to say whatever the hell we want no matter how stupid or offensive it may be. So you can go fuck yourself you pussy faggot!

 
 
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
 

 

—The First Amendment

Assembly - It's your Right!

The First Amendment protects us all from evil by guaranteeing our right to:

  1. Anything on 4chan
  2. Freedom of Assembly
  3. Create & share amusing racial epithets!
  4. Freedom of the Press
  5. Freedom of Religion
  6. Petition the Government for redress of our grievances
  7. Political dissent & Mod Sass

In addition, the First Amendment also prohibits a particular religion from being forced upon us by the State, which is a bit different from how Americans view it.

Freedom of the Press

The "freedom of the press" (also granted by the First Amendment) originally referred to the right to publish their political views and opinions. These days, we use the internet for this, rather than printed pamphlets. No matter what damn fool ideas you have: whether you're a 9/11 conspiracy nut, member of the KKK, or Zionist, you have a basic right to get the word out there.

In the United States

<video type="youtube" id="OGAzfZR6gUg" width="200" height="180" position="right" desc="The following video will enrage military, former military, military families, and anyone with a friend that has ever wore a military uniform. How's them apples Rightards!?"/>

Flagincharredcorpse.jpg

Large-scale

The Americunt government still manages to weasel its way around the First Amendment to control the flow of information from the media. Is this a conspiracy theory? Reptilian overlords? The Illumanti? No, it is something far more simple and insidious, Press passes. A press pass is a document that has shown an individual is clear to enter an area that they normally wouldn't be allowed to. It gives reporters the ability to attend meetings in the White House with the Press Secretary and other press events. So while mainstream media is on-board with the government by being major corporate interests who help fund those individuals get into office, individual reporters are kept in check with press passes. If a reporter asks the Press Secretary or a politician a tough question that puts them on the spot or is "out of bounds", they will have their pass for those events revoked. Usually this will be the start of the end of that reporters career since all major media outlets are owned by a handful of conglomerate corporations. How could a system like this possibly go wrong?

Take for example The War in Iraq. Everyone howls for the blood of the Neo-Conservatives and W because of entering a war under false pretenses. Bull-fucking-shit! The Republican party may be evil enough to do so, but the entire party couldn't form a single braincell if their life depended on it. The media is the true culprit. And by being hosed with simple things like press passes, it makes reporters fearful of their careers and futures thus preventing them from asking hard questions to our Overlords. Questions like, "Can we see the evidence before millions of people suffer and die that justifies going to war?" Wars do sometime need to be fought, but the flow of information pertaining to them needs to be freely available. Not controlled by the people that said information is critical of. Yet we live in a free country.

Individuals

Because free speech is distributed equally in the U.S., whenever anyone is butthurt by someone else, they will not stop talking about it. Freedom of Speech is protected by the Bill of Rights, but is ignored like the rest of it. For example, the first right is:


   
 
Congress shall make no law.
 

 
 

—Buddha

and yet they make laws every day.

On the internet

Article01.jpg

On the internet, the First Amendment is 101% likely to be invoked completely fucking wrongly by someone that hasn't taken the time to actually read the motherfucker. Anywhere that there are stupid fucking attention whores that have no idea what they are talking about, there will undoubtedly be a call to the First Amendment for protection.

Like all other freedoms, free speech ceases to exist once you are on the internet. Unlike real life, every single website on the internet has an owner who wields total power over everything passing through said site. The internet could thus be considered a collection of despotic nation-states, each ruled by its own tyrant. Knowing this, it is clear that freedoms as we know them do not exist on the internet, and yet most people believe just the opposite.

If you are getting ready to invoke the First Amendment to stand up to your brutal oppression by that faggot moderator at whatever website he banned you from, or from a thirteen-year-old kid who won't shut the fuck up and keeps blabbering some stupid bullshit that no one cares about, ask yourself:

  1. Is my oppressor the United States lawmaking body?
  2. Is my oppressor trying to form a law?
  3. Is my oppressor a United States lawmaking body trying to form a law?
  4. Is my understanding of the First Amendment solid?

If the answer to any of these questions is no, then you should probably shut the fuck up and follow the rules you agreed to when you joined. Nowhere in the Bill of Rights or United States Constitution are your e-feelings protected. In fact, the idea that they would be is utterly laughable when you consider the Americunt way of life (Only in America would someone sue a fast-food chain for making them fat).

Who hates it?

Freedom: Republican Style
A popular place for free speech is inside the head of someone else.
As American as Apple Pie
Thatsracist.gif

Conservatives

Generally speaking, Conservatives consider themselves to be the sole arbiters of the Constitution. They consider our founding document to be divinely inspired and intended to be taken and read literally. They also unilaterally oppose any form of extrapolation from, or alternate application of, the principles set forth therein and consider these efforts to be little more than an illegal, extra-constitutional excess. Conservatives say the First Amendment does not apply when:

  • You are speaking out against a Republican President.
  • Expressing displeasure with a US war in general, or the conduct of the United States Military in particular.
  • Offering an opinion which favorably portrays Arabs, Palestinians or nearly anyone who is unfortunate enough to exist above our oil.

In fact Conservatives were recently able to codify many of these objections into law! (See the Patriot act).

Liberals

Liberals don't have as much of a problem with mangling any part of our founding document, provided said mangling adds value to their hollow, atheistic, inconsistent existence. While they do seem to have a passing fancy for the First Amendment in particular, they will quickly chuck it under the bus if:

Scientology

The Church of $cientology already brainwashes and destroys people while sheltering itself under the First Amendment. LRH proposed early on to infiltrate sections of government under Operation Snow White, and they did with quite some success.

Socialists

Socialists believe "free speech in the sense used in bourgeois capitalist 'democracies' means the right to undermine social justice and erode the social solidarity of the working class." But they're socialists, so what the fuck do they know about free speech?

Social Justice Warriors

A subset of the Liberals, they want at any cost to show how women, LGBTQ communities and PoC are still suffering from a system that handicapped them as they think it solely serves to benefit white heterosexual men, and the only way to get even attain equality is by enforcing a set of illogical rules which only goal is to have the all the privileges and rights modern society offers without doing any of its duties.

They want to silence anyone who has seen through their immature tactics and preposterous demands by creating a shield against any valid criticism they could get.

Thus, SJW will try to pose as victims of unwanted bullying and, at the same time, labeling any dissenting comments as death threats, racist, misogynistic, transphobic statements or rape attempts. Also they will demand the inalienable right to say whatever the fuck they want (no matter how impossible, ludicrous or stupid it can sounds) but they will not recognize the same right to any person who dares to criticize them.

Jews

Unique to the Jew is an uncanny ability to combine the Arab xenophobia of the Conservative's, with the Liberal's sensitivity towards offending other types of minorities, easily making Jews the ultimate First Amendment hypocrites.

Niggers

For niggers, the First Amendment exists solely to prevent anyone except niggers from using the word "Nigger". While this may seem hypocritical at first one must always bear in mind that Niggers are little more than a lightly evolved ape-species and mostly illiterate. As such, their imperfect understanding of the Constitution can be attributed to the uniqueness of their biology.

Arabs

Much like the Niggers, Arabs also take a very narrow view of the freedom the First Amendment guarantees. While generally supportive of their own right to assemble, speak freely and the freedom to choose Islam as their religion, Arabs can become violent (and even spontaneously combust!) when other groups attempt to assert the same rights for themselves.

FAQs

Virginia: 
So I can rule internets nao? Cuz mootie banned me and stole my first amendment?!
Don't laugh... They stole his First Amendment! :(
ED Help Desk: 
LOL! No, Virginia... Here, on the interbutts, the First Amendment is a complex thing!

How to explain it to you... Hummm...

Ok, try this!

Every weekend, we EDiots line our pets up on mom & dad's coffee table and lecture them on our politics.

Now pay attention Virginia, because this is key - That's our coffee table, in our living room!

(BTW, we had our pets stuffed because they were poor listeners.)

Likewise, Moot lectures his pets too! But on his coffee table, just like us!

(Except he stuffs his pets with cock instead.)

Now the Constitution says I have a right to lecture my pets on my table, and it also says he has a right to lecture his pets on his table.

But! I don't have a First Amendment right to lecture his pets on his table.

Nor, does he have a right to talk to my coffee table.

(Like it could hear him anyway.)

The Constitution says we aren't obligated to provide a venue for any of this retard bullshit.

I hope that helps, dear...


Virginia: 
That's the First Amendment? OMG! It's horrible! I hope you die in a fire!


ED Help Desk: 

Yes... that's the Constitution, Virginia.

The First Amendment is what made this country great!

Also, cocks!

Long live our First Amendment!

Gallery


IT'S CALLED FREE SPEECH YOU COMMUNIST FAGGOT

See Also

This is what homosexuals do on their spare time
Mimes have never had free speech because they are communists.

Groups that abuse Freedom of Speech

Groups with no Freedom of Speech

External Links

Freedom of speech is part of a series on Language & Communication
Languages and DialectsGrammar, Punctuation, Spelling, Style, and UsageRhetorical StrategiesPoetryThe Politics of Language and CommunicationMediaVisual Rhetoric
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Freedom of speech
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Free SpeechIdentity theftIronyInternet assholeInternet CelebritiesInternet diseaseInternet dramaInternet humanitariansInternet LawInternet lawsuitInternet lawyerInternet stalkingInternet tough guyInternet Vigilante GroupOperation Falcon PunchSwattingTitle IXWorld Wide Web Consortium

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Freedom of speech
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Ideologies: [You are wrong!We are right!]

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Issues: [Fuck it, Too lazy.Get it fixed!]

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Politicians: [Rigging Elections is funVote for me]

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Parties: [No beer? Fuck that.Hell yeah, a party!]

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Tactics: [Rage Quit.How do I get elect?]

2013 US Government ShutdownBlaming ChinaCaptain Nigga DefendaCloward Piven StrategyCuckservativesDemockeryG20 Toronto LollercaustLiberal Butthurt SyndromeLiberal guiltMacaca#NotMySuperbowlChampsOccupy DemocratsOperation LemonpartyRaped StatisticsThe ResistanceUpworthyWunderground

See also: 2012 Elections2016 Presidential ElectionsInternet PoliticsPizzaGatePolitical communities

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Freedom of speech

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CensorshipDDoSFree SpeechGet a LawyerHackingMake a PetitionNotify the FBISerious BusinessSOPAThe Græt Niggercide of Old EDWriting an article for UncyclopediaYou vs. ED

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