France is a tourist trap in Europe. It has a long history of allowing Nazis to set up puppet governments. The current puppet government's President is named after a bordering country, and the Puppet Master is Palestine. Bordering the United Kingdom, the country of France is commonly referred to as the Mexico of Europe; similar to how the Mexicans act towards the Americans, the French often show extreme contempt towards Britain due to jealousy of the superior British culture, advanced technology, science and economy, as well as military penis-envy, and because it's sunnier than the Home Islands.
Most of their history is shameful, with repeated defeats, conquests, and surrenders. The French under Napoleon III presented the United States with the Statue of Liberty -- an intended trojan horse ambush gone wrong. The vast majority of French men are sex addicts, in the closet and/or champagne socialists. The most common thing a frenchman will say during his life is "What proof do you have that I am full of shit?". France is most famous for enacting legislation banning women from shaving their armpits, which was then enthusiastically imported by the horrifyingly hirsute Italians.
- 1 La Milieu
- 2 Fast Facts
- 3 Things The French Do Best
- 4 La Geographie
- 5 Le Demographie
- 6 Le Culture
- 7 Le Sport
- 8 L'Irak
- 9 L'Histoire
- 10 Le Religion
- 11 Le Law
- 12 L'Islam
- 13 Le Politique
- 14 L'Économie
- 15 Le Passe-Temps
- 16 Ways to Troll Frenchmen in Paris
- 18 A Comparrison Of World Martial Arts
- 19 Liberalism
- 20 Famous Frenchpersons
- 21 Le Langue
- 22 Le Intelligence
- 23 Le Family
- 24 Le Picard is French as well
- 25 France’s national anthem, La Marseillaise, with its original lyrics
- 26 Things The French Hate
- 27 Gallery
- 28 See Also
- 29 External Links
Air in France is dangerously poor in essential tars and nicotine therefore smoking tobacco is mandatory for every French person from ages 8 and up. France is the cradle of Western Civilization and buildings are held in high esteem. Removing asbestos from historic (pre 1979) buildings is not only illegal but a sin against the Republic. All power in France comes from aging Nuclear Plants ran by the state.
France is NOT handicap accessible.
Ratatouille, the animated film, is not just a true story, but a very sugarcoated recount of what routinely goes on at French kitchens.
The French upper class are unbelievably antisemitic but love Arabs because they embiggen the otherwise decaying consumer and job market. There are more Muslim Arabs in Marseilles than in the entire Arabian Peninsula.
Things The French Do Best
The French couldn't tell left from right if their lives depended on it. Their education system is a joke, as they don't even use textbooks or give homework. To stay as unproductive as possible, they switch their class schedules around every week, leading to 30% of Frenchies having to repeat a grade. The question you should be asking is not how hard a Frenchie works, but if they even show up at all for the duration of the month, as they are too busy "fumeing" away on their tabac. Most French are autistic, as they think highly of themselves, but are at the bottom of the barrel.
- Losing every war they have ever been in srsly .
- Having the second-most unhygienic and hairy females on the planet (see: India).
- Killing their Kings and replacing them with foreign Dictators. Which is a way of surrendering.
- Provoking radiation-caused infertility and homosexuality in its native population and replacing it with North African freedom fighters, which is another way of surrendering.
- Drinking mass amounts of wine to forget their epic fail. Again, another way of surrendering because if you're to drunk to give a damn, you don't care whose flag you're saluting this week.
- Eating croissants and runny cheeses, and base their eating habits around bread and dairy based products.
- Chain smoking huge numbers of cigarettes. Another way of surrendering or avoiding the military by saying you can't fight because of asthma.
- Bitching about Germans, Americans and rosbif constantly.
- Having a big, shitty bicycle race every year (which an American usually wins by cheating).
- Wearing black and spend all their time in cafés whining about how existence is meaningless.
- Kissing (get it french kissing?).
- Spying in public incognito for no reason at all.
- Eating absolutely fucking anything that can't crawl away in time.
- Paganism, atheism, communism or Nazism are the state religions.
- They don't even shave (women) and the women will actually walk around in low cut hip huggers with their pubes sticking out.
- Making currency unions a bad idea.
- Pickpocketing stupid tourists on the metro.
- Getting saved by America, the British or the Russians every time another country plays in the same sandbox.
- Surrending, this time to Algerians. The French need to start working their own way.
- Getting buttfucked by Arabs, Niggers, Jews and Chinks on a daily basis.
- Oh, did we mention SURRENDERING?
France is the vast swath of land that separates Britain from Italy, and Germany from Spain. This has encouraged an outside perception of the French as being less lazy than a Spaniard and at the same time less Nazi than a German. The reality, however, is that they have the Italians' self importance without the glory of a real historic empire, the Spanish aversion to work, the Germans' sense of humor, and have confused themselves with the English as to which people and language constitutes the center of the World. At the time this article is being revised, Spain's GDP is growing while France's is shrinking, and Germany is welcoming refugees with open arms while France is predictably becoming the most racist society west of Israel.
France should be entirely inhabited by Bohemian douchebags, however due to former colonialist ambitions, a disturbingly large (and growing) proportion of the populace is poor, Muslim and pregnant. They all live either in Paris as existentialists or in the countryside as peasants.
France is, by definition, a failed state. For cunt's sake, they've had 15 constitutions and still can't fucking get it right. It is populated primarily by frogs, pussies, trannies and Muslims. French is the language of most people, simply because they think that an unpopular language spoken by less than 9000 people keeps their laughable global image consistent.
Remember folks, once World War 3 gets started, it will be up to all of you to send every one of these Frenchfags to New Auschwitz along with the remaining Jews, Canadians and Danes so we can assure a bright future filled with frogs and lulz for all.
France has suffered quietly under the slow crush of tyranny from an arcane, insolent language, which only the elderly snobs of Ménilmontant bothered to speak "properly". It is often hard to learn because of the necessity to hear yourself sound like a douche. Since the French eventually started using condoms and stopped having children, the most spoken language in France is currently Arabic.
Once known as Gaul, the French retaliated against their former Roman tyrants, and introduced cuisine based on butter and cream onto Europe, rather than the ancient "olive oil and anything" Roman dining habit. Merci, bonne France, pour le heart disease!
French men are either anorexic pseudo-intellectual art or literature students with tiny, oiled mustaches with faggy names like Michelle, Gayelle, or Eve; or simply middle-aged and overweight. French women are superior to American women in every way, except for the leg/armpit hair and their obsession with climbing the social ladder. Most French people are Communists and have odd tongue fetishes. They only shave their faces so there is no difference between French men and French women, they both have excessive body hair and it is against the law to shave; though waxing and plucking are permitted only in their State-managed spas. All French people and all people who have ever been to France are neither male or female, just one neutral gender.
The most famous French cartoons is Asterix, about a tribe of hut-dwelling pseudo-Vikings who are good enough soldiers to defeat the Romans - the French don't recognize that this is a parody of their IRL fail.
Be aware that if you eat snails and frog legs like the French do, YOU WILL LOOK LIKE A TOOL!
France, as a humble country, views itself as "the mother of Arts, Military Tradition, and Laws", which can't be more true. As a result, eons of cultural excellence concretized in total world musical supremacy, as shown below.
France is generally shitty at most sports, since copious wine, chain-smoking, and subsisting on loaves of cheese and butter-saturated bread are not particularly conducive to athletic prowess. However, the French soccer team, despite having the sponsor of 'Le Coq Sportif', did manage to win the World Cup in 1998, causing much butthurt to the Brazilian team which at the time consisted of Ronaldo + 10. The French national team got to the 2006 World Cup finals, but lost to Italy. However, they gained international fame via the explosive rage of 2006 Golden Ball winner and hawt French national hero Zinedine Zidane. Zidane arguably takes some responsibility for the loss, but the violence with which he drilled his skull into the shit-talking, Guido chest of Marco Materazzi almost makes up for centuries of French failure on the battlefield.
—French President Jacques Chirac
As for rugby, French scientists did manage to create the ultimate rugby player, Sébastien Chabal, out of pieces of deceased rugby players from other nations who are actually talented at sports. To date, no one has noticed that he is held together with skin grafts and superglue.
The Tour de France biking race is the best known French sporting events in the United States. Although most Americans are too fat to consider getting on a bike, much less find a bike seat that could possibly accommodate their enormous asses, the steroid-enhanced domination of Lance Armstrong brought biking into the limelight. Sadly, the French fail at their own bicycle race: a Frenchman hasn't won the Tour de France since 1985.
Currently, the most popular French sport and a source of immense French pride (after being shown for almost 90 seconds in a James Bond movie) is parkour - a highly advanced sport based on the ancient French tradition of running away as fast as one possibly can.
When Iraq got pwned by Americans and their friends the first time, Hussein got all butthurt about it, especially since France participated in exchange for Jew money. When the French Army went into action, they only lost two guys, and the starving, exhausted, and flea-ridden Iraqi conscripts surrendered to them by the hundreds. This may be the only time in history that France was on the winning side of a mass surrender. After the war, Saddam wanted France to protect him against the evil Americans. All oil contracts in the country were awarded to France. In exchange, France started bugging the world about how evil USA and Israel were. In 2003, Americans finally had enough of that crap, and pwnd Iraq the second time. They first tried to politely ask France to contribute moar forces, with the French politely telling the USA to go fuck itself.
The good thing is that now the French didn't have to pretend to like Arabs and dislike the United States and Israel. So they started by electrocuting an Arab and a black person in a transformer box and then picked a pro-American half-Jew as their President.
The origins of France are lost in a sea of incest, urine, rat droppings, cunnilingus, red wine and nuclear testing. They have spent their entire existence being the bitches of various empires throughout history.
- Roman Empire (The French are a menage a trois of Celts, Romans and Franks whom OWNd them France).
- The Franks - also WWI, WWII and Lorraine-Alsace the French were able to keep.
- Italy - They have much in common, but thanks to Napoleon, they kept Corsica as a consolation prize.
- England - Stormin' Normans, helped made Britain what it is today.
- Dutch - Should have taken all of Belgium.
- Mexico Yes, even those lazy beaners were able to stop napping long enough to kick France's ass. We celebrate the day every fifth of May or Cinco De Mayo.
- The Vikings - See Normans.
- Russia - France is kinda drunk and communistic too. Shoulda sent Polish soldiers to fight for them.
- Portugal - Send Andorra back.
- Spain - Split the Basque country between them.
- Germany × a lot: Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, both World Wars until a certain somebody showed up to bail them out...
- Africa (also known as the AIDS)
- Tristan da Cunha
- Arab - They lost Algeria in a war they were butthurt over.
- Vietnam have their own disease called SARS. Also, Pre-US involvement, the Vietnamese fucked France so hard in the ass that they ran out of the Country like Jody Foster in the Accused while crying for America's help.
- Spanish America - Many French went to Mexico and Argaytina (they noticed Brazil has nude beaches too).
- Canada - Lost that to the British with India stolen by them Brits, but Quebec remains Little "New" France.
- New Zealand
- Antarctica - rendered their flags invisible
- Haiti - see Africa and Voodoo
- Tonga - see Haiti
- United States Postal Service Pro Cycling team LOLZ.
- Poland - just kidding because Poland and France are more like gay lovers. Everytime Poland gets into a slap fight with some foreign power, France quickly appears to aid Poland by pushing from the rear.
Modern archaeology has conclusively proven that pre-Roman France was a swampland. Remnants of this swamp-dwelling race can be seen in their practice of eating snails and frogs.
Greeks were the first to pwn France. In reality, the French people are more alike Italians and Spaniards than the Germans and British. Actually, they have more Dutch and Polish (the Poles always loved France in a weird way).
The Vikings managed to acquire Northern France, calling it Normandy after the French were once completely by surprise repeatedly and forced to bribe their sexxxy, ripped bullies with land. This only added insult to injury in their long and illustrious history of getting their asses kicked by everyone evar. The Normans proceeded to conquer and civilize the useless Brits (then Saxons) and raped their shitty kingdoms into what's now known as England.
During the Renaissance, the Spanish were constantly at war with France. Because Spain's riflemen didn't run whenever they saw a comrade killed, France was overrun twice by the Spanish troops, resulting in two whole generations of French nobility being completely wiped out during this period.
The French lost Quebec to the English in the Seven Years War, but they killed English General James Wolf. The English responded by killing French General Montcalm. Shortly afterward, the French were faced with a slave rebellion in Saint-Domingue, the first successful slave revolt (who better than the French, amirite?), although the French killed a lot of niggers. Apparently the colonial elites saw nothing wrong with a slave-settler ratio of 20 to 1. France was so butthurt and bankrupted from the loss that they practically gave away the much larger and far less malaria-infested Louisiana Territory to the United States.
During World War I the French almost lost Paris to the Germans, but managed to beat them off at the last second. For the rest of the war, they only managed to hold off Germany to a stalemate with the help of the English. The WWI version of Stalingrad happened when the Germans tried to take the French town of Verdun. The French put everything they had into winning the battle, and the Germans eventually pulled back. The French lost half a million, Germans lost a quarter of a million. The French and their Allies continued to be under constant German pressure. Then the United States came in and saved the day - just like America has in every other important war to date as long as you ignore Vietnam.
In World War II, France was conquered entirely in ten minutes by the Nazis. The French cried again and Hitler, embarrassed by their tears, let them have a little bit of land for themselves. Despite this, the French still think they are better than the English, despite requiring over 9000 fucktons of help from the UK and USA, being liberated by their armies, and using only British and American equipment. During this invasion, the French Navy escaped to the port of Mers el-Kebir in one of their African colonies. The British sent a naval task force to get the French to either join the Allies or be blown out of the water. Admiral Marcel Gensoul, who said he wanted to preserve the honor of France but was in fact a Nazi-lover, decided to sink the evil British for the lulz and Nazis. The British then proceeded to wipe out the French fleet.
Meanwhile, the French set up a resistance movement which fought a fierce insurgency against the Germans, and helped out on D-Day. Frenchies will never stop trolling about how brave their own resistance men were if you ask them about their defeat, but whenever arguing with one, keep in mind that only a couple thousand French were in the resistance, and 20% of them were not ethnically French, but Jews, who hated the Nazis more than the French did. A lot of the French made a Nazi puppet government called Vichy France, and sent soldiers to help fight Allies alongside the Germans. And when the Germans tried to steal the Vichy Navy, rather than killing a single Aryan warrior and thus damaging the German war effort, the Frenchies sank their own ships, and thus French honor was remained intact. So for the most part, the French fought for their conquerors and oppressors. Mentioning this is guaranteed to instantly create an epic shitstorm among Frenchmen.
Empires That The French Have Slightly Interrupted
- Italian - The French extended their boundaries all the way to even Croatia-Slovenia-Bosnia before giving it away to the Austria-Hungary empire.
- English - GOTT STRUF ENGLUND. Although, right through the 1300s up to 1580-something, England owned parts of France, and ruled it as their own. Which is weird, because the French took over Britain in 1066, so somewhere along the line things must have gotten confused.
- German - Shoulda took it all.
- Vietnamese- They sent their shit for America to handle - the Vietnam war.
- French (repeatedly).
- Russian (for only 10 hours) - wish they defeated the Soviets, but they didn't.
Empires That The French Have Defeated
Way back in French history, Charlemagne (the most manly Frenchman who ever lived, probably because he was German) conquered a bunch of Europe and fathered all of the sad liberals who would run the lands there and pester the world forever. The Ancient French king Charles Martel also defeated the Moors at Tours and prevented white people from worshipping Muhammad.
Amazingly, the French managed to take down Italy during WWII. Even though they had the full support of Nazi Germany, which was at that time invading France, an Italian force which tried to invade France was booted out by the French, led by General Rene Olry. Italians lost 631, French lost 40.
The French only managed to defeat England in one (Battle of Hastings, 1066, L2P) war, under the leadership of a terrifying, ultra tsundere loli named Joan of Arc. The English decided that France was too rebellious anyway, and gladly left to return home to their own depressing, gray, rainy country -- but not before burning Joan of Arc alive for being a schizophrenic Catholic lesbian. Throughout the following centuries, the French fought all of their European neighbors. They hardly ever managed to defeat the British, however.
In the 1800s, King Napoleon who ruled France actually used his brilliant military strategies, and France conquered most of Europe, even the Germans. This can be easily explained: Napoleon was not born in France, but on the island of Corsica. Therefore, he was better able to lead French soldiers than their retarded generals. Unfortunately, the French Empire eventually lost its captured territories and never managed to conquer Britain and Russia, and Napoleon was exiled back to his shit island. He escaped, however, and re-organized the French, who attacked the English in the Battle of Waterloo. Thousands died on both sides, but the French were pwnt, and Napoleon was exiled to some crappy Pacific Island and poisoned.
During the 1800s the French successfully invaded and conquered Algeria to avoid paying a debt. This was accomplished simply because the local Arabs were dirt poor and didn't have shoes. Upset with western-style freedom and prosperity, the Arabs went stage four jihad and scared away over 1 million Pied-Noir. Meanwhile, Rhodesia had less than one-third of that many whites but at least they stuck it out until the bitter end.
The French pwnt Vietnam in the late 1800s, and enforced a brutal occupation against the indigenous people. When WWII came around, Japan snatched Vietnam from them, but after the war, they went in and recaptured it. The Vietnamese, led by Ho Chi Minh, fought a gorilla war against the French. The French killed hundreds of thousands of Vietnamese, a lot of them innocent women and children, and forced a lot of men to fight for them, but they lost when the gooks besieged and defeated one of their forts at Dien Bien Phu. Two weeks later, the yellow devils wiped out a French armored column. The hopeless French were so butthurt that they gave Vietnam to the Jewmericunts to deal with.
The French have tried to re-establish their colonial Empire in Africa. Their secret service deals with any African leader who dares to resist them, and they reward their good house niggers by sending in massive military forces to keep their puppets in power. These are there solely to protect their corrupt and wild puppet governments from their disenchanted populations, and to beat back any guerillas that dare to threaten French-imposed instability. This is failing, are more and more civil wars are taking place.
One notable example of French hegemony in Africa is in Cote d'Ivoire, when that country's raggedy-ass Air Force bombed a French Army "peacekeeping" camp by mistake. The French "peacekeepers" then counterattacked and destroyed two Ivorian jets. The French then sent in thousands of reinforcements that occupied the capital, destroyed the entire Ivorian air force on the ground, and mowed down 60 people attempting to protest. Later, when legitimate leader Laurent Gbagbo was fairly re-elected, the French and their UN cronies fought a war on the side of the butthurt opposition terrorists, and installed terrorist leader Alassane Outtara as dictator-for-life.
Their Army's "peacekeepers" are also in Lebanon, generating profits for France. Their main job consists of helping Hezbollah keep Israel at bay while they stock up on moar weapons. They do this by threatening to attack IDF jets looking for Hezbollah stocks and confronting the IDF on the border when it is looking for weaponry stolen by Hezbollah. The French Navy has succesfully pwnt Somali pirates in a few cases, but all did was take them to trial in France, where the Somalis applied for asylum after deciding they preferred the luxury jails there over their dirt-poor country.
One of their proudest achievements was when they blew up some crappy Greenpeace boat in New Zealand for protesting their use of nuclear testing on small fluffy animals. The bombs were labeled "Made in France". Most of the perpetrators got away, but the leaders, Commander Alain Mafart and Captain Dominique Prieur were caught in about ten minutes and then promptly raped in the ass in the worst prison the government could possibly find. The bombing resulted in one dead journalist for New Zealand, and 20+ years of shame and butthurt for France. France was bawwing to no end, and even threatened to use its influence in the EU to force sanctions on New Zealand, until the New Zealanders finally agreed to send the two prisoners to France on condition that France detain them in a military base for three years as punishment. The French subsequently broke their promise and released them after 2 years.
Napoleon was born on an island off the coast of Italy. Despite the fact he was Italian, he is hailed as the greatest "French" general of all time. Napoleon pwned basically everyone in mainland Europe but was stopped dead by Russia. The French Empire under Napoleon finally collapsed after getting pwned by the English (yet again) during the battle of Waterloo. He was also known as being the preeminent manlet after which the complex is named.
Napoleon is often put at the start of France's series of military woes called De Gaulle syndrome that states that France is incapable of winning a war unless a Non-Frenchman is at the helm of leadership, much like how Charles de Gaulle was only able to liberate France from the German's because he served more as a figure head and America did all the heavy lifting.
Corsica is the mountain where about 99% of the so-called 'French' criminals hail from. Even though Corsica is a territory of France, its inhabitants are about as French as a club filled with heterosexuals. Before the Italians came, Corsica was inhabited by a violent pre-European tribe that slaughtered every invader and used their victims' skulls as cups. When the Italians came they - as good invaders should - raped and impregnated the indigenous Corsican inhabitants, mixed and produced a new race which is as skilled in drug trafficking, violent robberies and all around collateral damage as the original Italians but with twice their brutality. After years of defeat and surrenders, the French were finally pitied by the generous Italians who decided to give Corsica to France. Since the biggest fear of every strong, proud and heterosexual race is being governed by a pussified, arrogant and homosexual race, the Corsicans have repeatedly shown their unhappiness about them belonging to France. Nevertheless, that didn't stop them from proudly producing some of the country's most celebrated heroin shipments.
The French like to think they invented democracy and philosophy, but this is a lie bred by their lust for fame and respect. In fact, the American George Washington invented freedom over 200 years ago. Before then, freedom did not exist and anyone who claimed to be free was lying.
The most significant French invention to date is the condom. According to the Pope, this helps spread AIDS in Africa, contributing to the solution by presenting one of the most effective forms of population control.
World War Two
France is also notable for being a terrible disaster full of surrender during World War Two. Following their surrender prior to any real struggle by the Germans, the government of France was replaced by Vichy France in the south while the Germans controlled the north. While the Germans controlled Paris and basically everything significant in the country, a senile 84 year old man named Marshal Petain controlled the southern, insignificant area and all of France's shitty colonies. The government of the south was located in Vichy, a tiny spa town which has absolutely no significance. The second largest city in France was in the south, but they had to pick this insignificant shit hole.
Following France's surrender to the Allies in North Africa, west Africa and everywhere else, Germany did the right thing and conquered the entire country.
Like most of the European Union, France is a relatively-secularized and otherwise Abrahamic society. However, France achieves an epic win - perhaps the only one in its history - in its treatment of Scientology. Unlike the borderline vegetables determining tax-exempt status in the United States and those pussies in Germany that just couldn't finish the job, France not only refuses to accept Scientology as a legitimate religion, but officially classifies the Church of Scientology as a cult. For once, French public outrage is fruitfully directed towards this bullshit and a May 2009 fraud trial may result in the French Co$ being forced to dissolve.
The French secretly sneak in a new law every now and again to catch out sex tourists, notably it is now mandatory  for every person to wear Speedos in public at all times in France, especially when naked.
It is not a secret that the French hate muslisms, but then, who doesn't? Their most recent troll of Islam is their B& of veils in public, which caused millions of butthurt Muslims across Europe to start their bombpacks in a means of 'non-violent protest' to combat the injustice. If you get caught wearing a veil in public you automatically have AIDS and are deported to Africa, for a better quality of life.
Ever since Generalissimo Charles de Gaulle staged a military coup in 1950 France has been an Elective Monarchy. Every five or eight years the people chose a King whom they then become disillusioned with and proceed to oust through character assassination. At the time, France is ruled with an iron fist by a black lesbian she-ape from the Amazon by the name of Christiane Taubira. Her platform and recent accomplishments include consolidating the World's First All-Homosexual Army as well as issuing a law forbidding reproductive sex for married couples. As a consequence of this, as of 2015 ALL children in France are conceived in state laboratories with the sperm or egg of one parent, another matching egg or sperm from a convicted minority, then implanted into the uterus of a prostitute and when born given to a homosexual couple. Anyone who thinks of this process as weird or un-natural is convicted for sins against the Republic (her name is Marianne)
The result of the 2007 Presidential elections:
It is common knowledge that the ex French president, Nicolas Sarkosy, is a Jew. As of 2009, the certified mental defective Nicholas Sarkozy has expressed plans to overturn a law that has been in place for (seriously) 104 years that might allow the Church of $cientology to receive state funding.
France maintains its place in the international economy by being the single greatest exporter of the following goods:
- Fake Pinot Noir Wine to giant wine company E & J Gallo
- Mimes (deaf/mute gothy emos)
- Appeasement packages (so America, Germany and/or England don't beat the shit out of them)
- Phallic buildings
- Welfare checks, the French hardly fucking work!
The French have many pastimes which the rest of the world couldn't possibly care less about, including:
- Laughing through their noses.
- Bicycle riding.
- Cheese making/bread baking/wine fermenting.
- Chain smoking to the death.
- Spreading syphilis.
- Being the World's version of the Internet Tough Guy where they talk all kinds of shit and quickly run for cover or do whatever their soon to be ass kicker demands to avoid a fight because the ass kicker showed up at their house, See Null or Kiwi Farms for some IRL adventures of a French asspie
- Planting flowers as defense against terrorism to the death.
- Hating America to the death, even though the USA liberated them twice and has finished most of everything the French have started like Vietnam, the Panama Canal and The Statue Of Liberty.
- Beating the fuck out of Sand Niggers for having the audacity to live in their shitty country.
- Bitching constantly about the UK even though the British government continuously throws them money to bail them out of everything.
- Burning effigies of American politicians and celebrities (except Jerry Lewis (who the hell know Jerry Lewis in France???)).
- Losing wars to the death.
- Losing in general to the death.
- DeGaulle put Petain in prison, almost guillotined to death.
- Lying and cheating (especially when its comes to the European Union)
- Secretly admired the Soviets while they were the key cold war ally (BS, it was the Brits who liked us).
- Corruption, bribery, nepotism and general Olympic level two-facedness.
- Open hostility and Rudeness.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, everybody knows that if you are a Frenchman or woman, you MUST retire at the age of 30; IT'S THE LAW!
- ' Franco-phenomena
- Being rude to the death.
- Refusing to help people with disabilities to the death.
HatingArabs to the death.
- Putting Jews to death, but squarely blames it on the Nazis.
- Sending Jewish military officers to live on Devil's Island like Captain Alfred Dreyfus for treason because someone used Just Because for evidence
- Never really liked Africans or black people.
- Starting protests that are a stone's throw from becoming riots over absolutely fucking anything.
- Throwing tear gas into mosques.
- Abandoning former colonial expatriates.
- Torpedoing Greenpeace.
- Head-butting Italians and losing the World Cup.
- Watching the elderly die in heatwaves.
- Population loss/decline, no wonder they award loose French ladies those fake gold medals for having a baby, VIVE LE MARIANNE, OUI? NON?
Ways to Troll Frenchmen in Paris
- Speak/Act English, which includes driving on the right side of the road.
- Ask for a directions how to go to that.. big tower... how do you call it?
- Mention how Napoleon was Corsican and NOT French. Being Corsican makes one about as French as being Puerto Rican or Panamanian makes one American.
- Tell them that portraying Pepe Le Pew as a Frenchman is an insult to skunks.
- Mention that the gypsies they hate so much, such as Django Reinhardt, were/are all phenomenally better musicians than any frog Frenchman.
- Attack a subway train driver. The labor union will start a week long strike, paralyzing the entire city in order to get extra security. Best done just before taking a plane out of the country.
- Tell them all the superfluous consonants and vowels in their written language arose from illiteracy.
- Take a vacation and be a complete jackass to everyone you see. Blow smoke in their faces, steal groceries out of their shopping carts, and sexually harrass/assault them. At the end of your trip, exclaim, "NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE WHEN WE SEE YOU FUCKERS IN ASPEN!"
- Announce that Swedes make better food.
- Ask them if they've ever engaged in coprophilic acts. If they say no, tell them to stop lying.
- Speak loudly in English about how dumb the French are.
- If anyone tries to speak to you in English, laugh at their crappy accent.
- Point excitedly at various groups of Frenchman and take pictures of them. Wear a fanny pack and an I <3 NY tee-shirt for maximum lulz.
- At rush hour in the transports, when everyone is pushing to get into the wagon and just before the door closes, give a big shove at the last person who got in. You won't see it, but intense and short-range drama will ensue until the next station.
- A variant when you are in a busy wagon. Reach and fondle the ass of a woman as far as possible from you. For best results, said woman should be in front of a fat man. Watch and laugh as drama ensures.
- Deposit dog shit in front of doors and subway exits. Watch as Parisians deftly avoid them and tourists walk on them and become red with anger. Often they will bump into others, generating chain-drama.
- Say that Luc Besson makes awesome movies.
- Find five other people and set up a demonstration about anything and inform the police. 200 cops will be immediately dispatched to block half of the fucking town to let you demonstrate.
- Find any of the squares and shoot the pigeons. You will piss off old people that will swear at you in backwater French.
- If in a traffic jam, start hooting. Soon enough, every other Frenchman will be hooting. Whether they do it simply by retarded mimicry or to stop the others from hooting depends on how retarded the Frenchman in question is.
- The ultimate form of trolling at a public transport station is to block the exits by attempting to get in that way. The doors will close, trapping everyone inside.
- For women only: Hang around the Eiffel Tower all day and inform anyone within earshot that it is a chauvinist phallic symbol and does not represent French ingenuity but rather the penis size they wish they had.
- Stand on a street corner letting passerbys know that you thoroughly approve of Sarkozy.
- Request ketchup with your meal at a French restaurant.
- Loudly proclaim the superiority of Californian wines over French wines.
- Ask for American cheese at a cheese shop.
- Shout "Ew! It fuckin stinks/reeks in here".
- Make fun of the national heroine of France, "Marianne" who's a pagan mother goddess of the French religion, on all her fours squatting like she's taking a dump, but it turns out to be her child "France".
- Tell them you are racist against black people. They will yell at you. Continue conversation and talk about gypsies and arabs. You will discover that they are even more racist than you can possibly imagine. Tell them they are racist too for maximum lulz.
- Ask for a Hershey bar wherever French chocolate is sold.
- Tell them you are pro death penalty.
- Ask them about "la banlieue". where is it, why do they never go there, what king of people you can find in there. Ask them to drive you in there (but don't do it, believe me).
- Spend tens of thousands of dollars across many years training with professionals to build up an expansive repertoire of ridiculous American accents. Spend the remainder of your life working as a professional troll, performing.
- Refer to "Paris" as "Parislam" and call the inhabitants "Paristinians", or even "Parisites"
- Ask any person you encounter why they didn't vote For Jean Marie Le Pen. Win guaranted if you ask an arab or a gay man.
- Everytime a Frenchman says Par'ee, correct them. "Par'ee" "No, PARIS. PAIR-EEEEEES."
- Mention the lost wars of France: The German-French War of 1870/1871, the Losses of Napoleon, the War in Algeria, the War in Indochina and the big territorial losses of the French Colonial Empire (especially Canada)
- Mention the Supporting of the brutal Dictator Jean-Bédel Bokassa through France
- Mention the Involing of France into the Rwandian Genocide
Following the horrific tragedy of 9/11 and France's subsequent decision to side with the terrorists, George W. Bush discovered that the word French was actually the linguistic equivalent of an IED: an anti-American alternative to Freedom that had been inserted into The Perfect International Language by Taliban spies. As a good, God-fearing Amerric'n, G.W. knew that The Lord required of him to force-feed linguistic revisionism to the sinful American people, as:
|French fries||Freedom fries|
|French toast||Freedom toast|
|French onion soup||Freedom onion soup|
|French vanilla||Freedom vanilla|
|French kiss||Freedom kiss|
|French tickler||Freedom tickler|
|French revolution||Freedom revolution|
|French parliament||Freedom parliament|
|French Stewart||Freedom Stewart|
|French occupation||Freedom occupation|
|French Quarter||Freedom Quarter|
A Comparrison Of World Martial Arts
- Japan Judo. The martial art of using your opponent's weight and momentum against them
- Thailand Kickboxing. The martial art of kicking the shit out of you opponent.
- France Parkour. The martial art of running away.
- Alizee - exotic dancer disguised as a pop star.
- Jean-Paul Sartre a hypocritical philosopher, a typical socialist and a typical Frenchman (which makes sense since Frenchmen are typical socialists); a man of words and not of deeds; a man who talked a lot about what ought to be done, but never did anything.
- Madame Curie (she was actually Polish)
- Napoleon (he was actually Italian before his birthplace was annexed by France)
- Anais Nin
- King Louis XIV
- Marie Antoinette (she was actually Austrian)
- Maximilien Robespierre
- Joan of Arc a twelve year old girl Frenchmen needed to save them, after having been assfucked by the Britons for 100 years. Also don't even try using the insult, "You fight like a girl," against the French because they will always bring her up and thank you for the compliment.
- Serge Gainsbourg
- Inspector Clouseau (from The Pink Panther)
- David Belle
- Andre the Giant
- The lamest bond chick in the recent most shitty James Bond movie so far.
The French suffer psychedelic delusions of grandeur which can only be sustained by remaining shut off from the rest of the World. As such when the Internets became a phenomenon in 1996, the French proposed that they would have their own internets separate from everybody else's internets. A more clear example of how French elitism borders into mental retardation can be found in numbers. Eighty, and Ninety-nine are translated into Italian as Ottanta and Noventanove. In the French-speaking parts of Belgium and Switzerland as Huitante and Novante. But in France, the only way to say 80 is "four twenty", a clear reference to cannabis, and 99 as "four twenty ten nine" or "katr'vandiznef" an obvious attempt at preventing the opening of 99c thrift stores.
For great justice, here are a few common French phrases that you might want to know, just in case you ever visit France or are ever kidnapped, beaten, tied up and forced to interact with only French-speaking terrorists.
- MEANS: Please speak English, I do not understand.
- "Bonjour, je m’appelle (YOUR NAME), tu m'as l’air d’être un faux cul, tes parents étaient-ils de la même famille avant de se marier?"
- MEANS: Hello, my name is (YOUR NAME), it's nice to meet you, what's your name?
- "Qu'est-ce que vous avez une jolie queue!" (Pronounced "Kew"; any other pronunciation may be taken as a personal insult.)
- MEANS: It is very nice to meet you!
- "Hé, sale bougnoule!"
- MEANS: Where are you from?
- "J'ai un grand saucisson dans mon pantalon."
- MEANS: I would like to buy these, please.
- MEANS: You're pretty and I would appreciate your intellectual contribution
- "Je vais te démolir la gueule, fils de pute !"
- MEANS: I most enjoy your fine drinking establishment and think the French are a great and cultured people
- "Hé, tu suces? C'est combien?"
- MEANS: Could you direct me to a good restaurant that is nearby?
- "Toutes vos bases nous appartiennent!"
- MEANS: For great justice!
- "L'état - c'est moi."
- MEANS:Pleez feel freez to ravagé de çountree, you stupède a commoners.
- "Casse toi, pauv' con."
- MEANS:I respect your opinion. Cultural note: this expression has been used by Sarkozy in response to a man that insulted him.
- "En ce moment, je parie que tu t’imagines déjà en train de me sucer ma bite au rythme des coups de fouet de mes couilles sur ta gueule."
- MEANS:Right now I want to be with you under a naked blue sky (French idiom).
- "Ravis de vous rencontrer. Pouvons-nous aller niquer, maintenant?
- MEANS:Nice to meet you, now can we go fuck?" (Customary way to talk to a lady).
- "C'est BOF!
- MEANS:This is beautiful/wonderful (Please use when speaking about french art in a museum or when looking at the Eiffel tower).
Qu'est-ce qui gravite autour de la Terre? The majority of French people believe the Sun revolves around the Earth. Also, the average French IQ is 94.
Le Picard is French as well
France’s national anthem, La Marseillaise, with its original lyrics
Things The French Hate
- Taking showers.
- Defending themselves in wars.
- Waxing their bikin regions. Before you go down on a French girl you need to check with the World Wild Life Commission to make sure it isn't a protected micro-enviroment. I am so not kidding about this. I still have nightmares about when my dad was stationed in Europe and we went to a French Mediterranean beach. Let me put it this way, find the smallest bikini bottom you can and put it over Tina Turner's head. Oh, and thanks to this traumatic child hood memory, I know why a Brazilian is actually a thing with some girls and why there's always a bidet in French bathroom. Thank you guys for making me remember this horrid memory, I'm getting drunk.
- The Germans.
- Bras. Don't get me wrong, when it's a tall, blonde, lovely 18 year girl with a gorgeous pair of C cups walking in the rain in a thin white shirt slowly turning transparent, its a thing of beauty. Where it will make you run away screaming is when it's a 70 year old grandma.
- Politeness and courtesy.
- Brown people.
- Cleaning up after sex. If your ever in a French Cafe on the street make sure the wind is at your back because when the waitress comes to take your order, your nose will be at perfect cunt height and you will smell the last 3 guys she was with.
- The British.
- Censorship in nudity.
- Nicotine patches.
- The Americans.
- Soap and shampoo.
- Platonic relationships.
- The French Revolution Beheading people BEFORE it was cool...
- Why do liberals hate America?
- Le Parkour
- Tina S. Guitar playing frog that will have you rethinking your belief that all French girls are hot.
- Roman Empire
- Remi Gaillard
- Totally Spies - French animated cartoon.
- List of French military victories
- French fags whining and invading /b/.
- In a supermarket. WTF?
BALEETED! - One of their nation's greatest accomplishments.
|Featured article June 8 & July 9, 2012|
| Preceded by
|France|| Succeeded by|