Fullmetal Alchemist is a shitty cartoon/comic book about a boy and his robot/metal unicorn. The original title, Love Alchemy was dropped when Love Hina beat them to the punch. Some argue that the main character's titular nickname comes from the fact that he frequently uses the metal shavings lodged in his rectum from fucking his robot brother in his alchemy. The series incorporates science, religion, magic, politics, action and adventure to tell a thrilling tale about the First Law in alchemy: "humankind cannot gain anything without giving something in return."
Chapter One: Incestuous Robot Love
Full Metal Alchemist begins in an alternate Universe, where alchemy can easily turn one thing into another. Two supple, young boys called the Elrics try to resurrect their dead mother. This leads to some rather obvious consequences: the older brother loses an arm, a leg, and another limb, while the younger brother turns into a giant robot. After some blood, sweat and tears, the brothers begin an epic journey to restore their bodies and eliminate the Law of Equivalent Exchange.
Chapter Two: Furries
The seventh (tenth?) episode introduces a character, Tucker, who turns people into chimeras. Just like real life, teh furries can: talk and understand basic concepts, hide in basements, and eventually die of loneliness. Tucker then turns his wife into a furry to get money from the government; when said government stopped giving money, he turns his four-year-old daughter into Staredog. Another important main character, Scar, blows her up because his religion said so. The government steals Tucker again and makes him turn other people into furries to use in war. He accidentally becomes a furry himself and gets his face turned upside down. Trying to revive his daughter with alchemy, he gets a soul-less doll. When asked why by Edward, he proclaims, "I did it for the lulz." And nothing of value was lost.
Chapter Three: Everyone is Evil
Fullmetal Alchemist questions values by making everyone evil. The Elric brothers kill people to revive their mother and get their bodies back, the army kills people to make the Philosopher's Stone, A girl introduced in episode one turns up raped and impregnated and tries to come to terms with it by killing people, other people kill people because their religion tells them, and the leader of Amestris is called 'Fuhrer'.
There are some characters named after the Seven Deadly Sins. 'Gluttony' likes to eat delicious caek, 'Lust' speaks seductively and has huge tits, 'Envy' is a transvestite, 'Pride' is Fuhrer, and Wrath is an aborted fetus. The brothers' dead mother becomes black person, whom Ed must defeat despite the fact that she looks the same as when alive. 'Greed' looks like Trent Reznor with sharp teeth.
At one point, the Elrics defeat a religious dictator and kill the faith of all the townspeople, leading them into a spiral of dark depression. When asked by one little girl why, Edward says 'for great justice.' George W. Bush was outraged.
Chapter Four: Mind-Control
The only valuable aspect of this series is that it tends to use stock footage involving small children being burnt and shot.
Anime vs. Anime vs. Manga
The first anime was an epic trolling of weaboos the likes of which no one has ever seen. Very much like fanfiction, the anime was written and produced by basement dwellers. These people managed to turn a series about ninja action into a historical vendetta. Thus, the entire series can be disregarded. The fact that it was even slightly different than the original manga had otakus everywhere up in arms, so Square Enix decided to cover their asses by making a new one to appease them.
The new anime still sucks.
Edward Elric – Main character of the series. Attempts to revive his dead mother until one alchemy session goes wrong and he loses his limbs and something else. He then burns down his home and joins the army to search for the Philosopher's Stone and suck Roy Mustang's cock. Has a Napoleon complex which is further fueled by his small penis, which somehow still ends up being enough for Winry in the end of the series.
Alphonse Elric – (Secondary main-character) Edward's little brother, who is 12 years old. Srsly. Loves cats and Ed. At the end of the series, actually becomes the Philosopher's Stone, and gets his beautiful, young body back. In the manga and the second anime, he gets his body back only to find out that he is now an emanciated gimp.
Winry Rockbell – (More Like Winrar Cockbell, amirite?) Whore, who would do anything for Ed and Al. Completely useless to the plot, except to help Ed screw on his limbs. Often hits him with a wrench. Spends most of her life playing with metal.
Roy Mustang – State-Alchemist who thinks he is sexy, but really is only a fag. Most well known for practicing necrophilia on Maes Hughes's cold dead body, and yelling about women in skirts. He also enjoys creaming himself, and yelling about dogs.
Maes Hughes – Incestuous pedophile that loves to show other people photos about how he raped his daughter. Always finds time to fuck Roy on the side. His death and funeral are one of the most BAAWW-worthy events in the series.
Major Armstrong – A bodybuilding homosexual who often takes his shirt off when he gets excited, which is a lot. Naturally, he is a fan favorite.
Envy – Trap who can shape-shift. Notorious for killing Maes Hughes and causing thousands of fangirls to cry. Oddly enough, he has a shit-ton of fangirls himself. He becomes an hero in the manga and the second anime. Also started the Ishvalen war by disguising himself as a solidier and shot an Ishval child.
Führer King Bradley (Wrath) - Renamed Pride in the 2003 anime for no reason. The most Badass character in the show but being the most badass out of the FMA cast is the equivalent of being the least AIDs ridden nigger in Sudan. His power is that his magic eye allows him to see everything, and enables him to calculate his opponent's moves before they make them.
Sloth - The last Homunculus to be revealed, Sloth is a giant man whose only real power is his physical strength. He always complains that everything takes "too much effort", even dying. In the 2003 anime, Sloth is instead Ed and Al's dead zombie mother, who has the ability to turn into water and drown people.
Greed - The only "good" Homunculus, Greed is a dude who owns his own club and hangs out in his crib like a boss. His special power is his ability to make himself black and hard, and is later reincarnated in Ling's body.
Ling Yao - Ling is a slant and the prince of the Azns, and he came to Amestris to find the Philosopher's Stone to make his Emperor father immortal. Doesn't make a lot of sense when you think about it... You'd think he'd want his dad to croak so he could claim the throne for himself...
Selim Bradley (Pride) - King Bradley's adopted son. Uses Kimblee as his bitch. His main Homuculus power lies in his shadow, which allows him to turn into an Eldritch Horror and cut through almost anything. Oddly enough, his weakness is total darkness, which doesn't make a lot of sense considering that his powers come from darkness...
Father Homunculus - The big daddy of the homunculi. Originally a black cloud of ink with one eye trapped in a glass flask until Hoenheim thought it would be the smartest idea to give him blood. Is eventually destroyed by Ed and is imprisoned by Truth.
The film: The Conqueror of Shamballah
The well-received and critically acclaimed film, Fullmetal Alchemist: The Conqueror of Shamballah, was a complete mindfuck to any and all viewers mostly due to the fact that Hitler finally made his grand debut. The film vacillates between Amestris, the made-up alchemy world, and Nazi Germany. Viewers are spoonfed the idea that one world is a parallel of the other.
To the BAAWWing of many fantards the world over, the film's ending has Ed and Al (now restored to his twink-like human body) stay in Nazi Germany in order to permanently close a portal that leads from one magic world to the next. This further proves that the series promotes incest as the one, true way in matters of love, as Edward easily leaves behind his two lovers, Roy and Winry, back in Amestris.
What the fantards won't get is the Japanese's subtle suggestion that the hydrogen bomb was created because parallel-world Nazis needed energy from this world to create a Philosopher's Stone in the next.
The Illuminati called. They said this was bullshit.
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