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Furry-Penises, much like its counterpart Neopets, is an online pet simulation for lonely fat girls with no IRL friends. Run by Nazis, pedophiles, and furries, the community takes the MY DOG IZ MY BEST FREND concept to an entirely new level. Whereas most retards just get a real dog to make up for their social ineptitude, players on Furry-Paws make fake ones to compete to see who can be the greatest dog breeder of all time. No one on the entire shit hole of a site has enough balls to say what they are actually thinking, because they are afraid of getting their asses Perma-b&.
- 1 Concept
- 2 FPians, Both Loved and Hated
- 2.1 Kah, the Benevolent Leader
- 2.2 The Average Player
- 2.3 Artists
- 2.4 Moderators
- 2.5 Fursonas
- 2.6 Emo Girls
- 2.7 Attention Whores
- 2.8 White Tiger: Talking Like This Is Cool Yo
- 3 Gallery
- 4 Forums
- 5 Lulzdrama!!!
- 6 Ways to Troll Furry Paws Players
- 7 Furry Paws "Mature"
- 8 Lupercori
- 9 See Also
- 10 External Links
Like most social retards who play online games, players dedicate their waking hours to feverishly improving their virtual dogs through bad-ass methods like equipping them with diamond collars and feeding them chocolate chip cookies, after which they spend the rest of their time clicking through pages of “shows” in a desperate attempt to improve the levels of their dogs.
Unlike in the real world, where success is measured in tangible artifacts, success on Furry-Paws is measured by how much time you dedicate to sitting on your ass entering dogs in shows and accumulating virtual money. The money can go towards obtaining MORE dogs and MORE worthless virtual money. But it's important to note that sometimes the worthless virtual money isn't enough, and sometimes users must use sacred real money to buy fake money that has a minute amount of actual value. Basically it's for fat fucks with no life and $20 to spend on the oh so important goal of eliting and validating themselves by being visible on the boards, where their life problems and stories can be advertised and defended as all the meanies insinuate they should consider getting something like a real job.
Of course, the site has developed, with a great deal of encouragement from Allah Kah, an art side as well. Here the users of FP can buy and sell questionable doodles that feature rainbow throw up as designs. Small, insignificant art can be sold to large, insignificant people for over $100... if the artist is one of 2 name brands. The rest of the artists can just whimper about being underpaid as they continue their fulfilling careers as worthless sacks of humanity that happen to know how to hold a pencil, though often not how to wield it.
The friendships FPians make with eachother will last a lifetime, which isn't particularly long because all the over stuffed users will die soon enough of diabetes, heart attacks, or strokes thanks to their high quality life styles.
FPians, Both Loved and Hated
Kah, the Benevolent Leader
Kah is the ginger owner of FP. According to sources, she created and has been maintaining FP since she was 14/15, attended one of the most prestigious public universities named in honor of a freemason and graduated with a 4.0 gpa at the age when most people JUST started college. Since such powers are usually only wielded by mensa member engineers/programmers, one can assume she is an asspie. It turns out the reason why Kah doesn't give a shit about FP anymore isn't the fact that she's in the hospital from being fat (like 90% of fpians), it's because she's studying to become a bio-terroist. Right? No. The owner of your furry-fag website claims she's going to school, but really spends her day stripping her ugly ginger ass for the leftover dinners people leave upon viewing her and nearly dying in disgust on their way out.
In a stunning and wildly popular move Kah updated the TOS to forbid the resale or trading of characters by anyone other than the original artist. Thanks to this rule her already lazy and worthless mod team has even less work to do, so instead they can dedicate their time to waving confederate flags, being embittered by the LGBT hype of the antisocial population, and getting bribes from a popular artist who doesn't want to be revealed as the reincarnated scammer she is.
Thanks to the adored site owner FP experienced a high quality and much demanded revamp a few years ago in order to demonstrate to her player base that she actually gives a fuck about the site. The majority of the community hates the layout, but dare they say it publicly (or privately for that matter), because Kah will get butthurt and BAWWWW to her doggie, who she named after her favourite meal, Chili. For said reasons, the community will publicly announce and suckup to Kahlem, saying they adore her new layout and it is a true revolution for FP and the unactive owner to do. In the transition she lost many old and dedicated players, but thanks to advertising she got a whole new collection of fat players to join, realize the game still sucked, and leave. After showing her loyalty to the site by providing the update she has made sure to check in once every few months, since that is obviously frequent enough.
On one of her scheduled check ins she realized that once again her poor mods were having to do any work to serve the art side of FP and prevent scamming, so she developed a novel new idea of the PRA system. After starting this sure fire way to prevent scamming she's told her mods to completely back off of the art boards and allow the poisonous system to work at slowly killing the boards so that the detested art people will finally leave. Once they've all abandoned the site she can happily continue her biannual visits to a site used by the 3 remaining members who care at all about her stupid dog game.
Her inactive twitter email@example.com & firstname.lastname@example.org are her emails/site registers
The Average Player
13-year-old girls who have no IRL friends. The average Furry-Paws player weighs upwards of 160lbs, has no social skills whatsoever, is a dyke and/or looks like a man. Additionally, a vast majority of the community is a fucking furfag. As part of being open to everyone and anyone, the community embraced furry suits and bestiality but will rapidly move to prey upon anyone who show the slightest right wing views.
Proud supporters of shitty emo bands and the Democrat Party (despite not knowing shit about politics like the majority of their party members), they embrace feminism and think about how awesome they are for rejecting the conservative morals of their parents. Outcasts in the real world, these fat girls flock the only site that will simultaneously not judge them for being fatasses but that will also allow them to achieve a spark of e-fame by doing nothing more than sitting on their asses all day. Unsurprisingly, the main demographic is white, since there are no black people on the Internet, except for a choice few members who make sure their underrepresented race is flaunted with the characteristically pathetic language skills they employ. Eventually, the average player will never go anywhere in life, being in the same position (sitting on their asses playing FP) and not having any talent. They will settle down with either a fat basement dweller of a spouse or a fellow dyke, work low level jobs so they can spend it on FPP or the highest quality of art for their pixel scene dogs (which is obviously a good priority in life) and eventually become heroes together.
Because they lack any form of social life, the members that do own IRL dogs develop obsessions with them in order to placate their longing desire for friends. Posting daily threads about their pets, they include shitty photography of their dogs staring blankly into the camera. Sometimes the posts even feature videos taken with camera phones of the fat owner actually standing or sometimes walking around to demonstrate the mad skillz of their dogs. These pictures and videos can then fall under heavy critiques on hate blogs because the dogs have imperfect anatomy and/ or are obviously unhappy at gay pride events. As they are incapable of achieving e-popularity in any other way, the canine owners resort to whoring their dogs on the forums for other members to masturbate to.
These dogs also inspire such artistic ventures as the following poetry, which doubles as a demonstration of slightly better than average writing from an FP player.
The few competent artists, possessing knowledge of basic anatomy and design skills, gather a swarm of leeches that e-stalk them, hoping for free art or that, magically, their mad skillz will rub off on them. These motherfuckers charge USD$ for in-game art, which the masses inhale like cocaine fresh off the plane from Colombia. The 13-year-old player base shells out their life savings for the amazingness of a 150 X 150 pixel piece of art that took a moderately more skilled artist whole, entire hours to produce.
Skullsmasher, Loveless, Lothario, and Kitten
In a sad attempt to get out of commissions and be a sleezy cheap skate, Skullsmasher faked his death. Like many people before him, they obviously couldn't do anything fucking right like pretending to die and move on with life. Apparently skin cancer or some bullshit was the killer, leaving behind many questions unanswered, many BAWWWING left unheard. His girlfriend Blitz seems to go on like nothing happened, continues to sell art/post on forms even though her lover is dead and gone. Even worse, a new artist appeared right after the day SS kicked the bucket. Claiming to be SS's friend IRL and that he taught her how to draw, Loveless has the exact drawing style as the old Skullsmasher and is buddy buddy with Blitz as well. Because thats what Skullsmasher would of wanted LOL. It seems he got off skott clean, keeping all the money from his poor commissioners for himself. Countless BAWWWING posts about him dying can be read on the General Board, seeing how the mods let this fly. Skullsmashers dead, end of story.
After many years of being dead, SS was reincarnated with a different gender as Lothario, who had the same style but was, of course, not the same person. After claiming time and again that she was not the same scammer, Lothario evolved into Kitten, who by then was blatantly obvious about being the same person, but no one gave a fuck about this person walking away with hundreds of dollars before so now once again they throw all their money at her. While she has yet to be the same sort of thief as before, she is back to using FP as her cash cow. She can make upwards of $100 on a tag, and at least $80 on everything else. She's also fallen under accusation of tracing which are not unfounded with her ability to reference images down to each hair in the dog's coat and has sold designs that imitate the colors of other designs, done by both herself and other artists.
18+ players (unless underage b& sucks enough cock) who should be engaging in productive IRL activities such as: getting a job, hanging out with friends, or having real lives instead of spending upwards of seven hours a day on kiddie sites, banning teens/preteens for doing "naughty things". They are also all lesbians (who never actually get any), which explains why they think that a squid looks exactly like a penis. None of them understand the concept of a joke, so consequently, you'll get in trouble for making one. (Not that moderators are even needed, considering nothing ever fucking happens).
Now the search for new moderators has begun! This list consists of people like Dyr or DMG who have been voted off the FP Moderating Island due to being friends with BAD INFLUENCES. The mod staff have decided to encorperate American Idol into their process with the virgins doing their best impression of Simon Cowell.
Because members of Furry Paws hold dear the belief that animals > people, it’s unsurprising that furfaggotry runs rampant. Claiming that wolves are their "spirit animal" or their “true form is a bear”, they indulge in creating elaborate fursonas for themselves, decorating them with every motherfucking minute detail they can think of and slapping them in the forums to try and get free fan art. Since they're all so unique and innovative, most of their creations are Sparkledogs.
In a constant state of BAWWWW at the fact that not only are they fat and ugly (and cognizant of the fact that this will result in dying alone), emo girls lurk the forums to express their melancholic agony of how shitty their lives are. Constantly lurking to find any topic wherein the OP expresses an opinion against the status quo of the website (ie, Christfags), emo girls focus their shitty haircuts and fat girl rage on anyone that dares to demonstrate a dissenting opinion on topics such as gay marriage or fat acceptance. Predictably, they all also claim to be bisexual. Usually wearing skinny jeans (despite being a fatass) and incompetent at using make-up (heavy dripping black eyeliner), they pretend to have "serious business issues" such as drug addiction/being in and out of rehab, mental illness, and domestic issues despite the fact they're well off enough to have internet and spend their allowances buying tags on fp. Anytime someone annoys said emo girls, they go on FP to rant about it.
Thanks to a combination of Daddy not loving them enough and being too fugly to be a successful Myspace whore, the Attention Whores of Furry-Paws post pictures and videos of themselves on regular basis’, occasionally disguising them in a SHOW URSELF thread, but most of the time, just devoting entire topics to pictures of themselves. Thanks to the ironclad rules of ”play nice”, no one’s allowed to insinuate the unattractive aspects of even the ugliest Attention Whores, leaving the other members to only encourage them by posting positive commentary.
Tea Hoot is a high school drop out who is a lesbian, she also lives in Australia. Slight and Mud Puppy, who both live in America, are her two pussy calls. One month, Tea Hoot will date Slight. After a few weeks of abusing Slight and forcing her to drop all her friends, Tea will dump her ass. The drama will be taken to the chat room where many lulz will be had. Tea Hoot will start dating Mud Puppy, but not before Slight starts spewing about how she will kill herself and how she wants Tea Hoot back. Mud Puppy, being the idiot she is will date Tea Hoot for a few weeks before they, too, break up. Slight will bow down on her fat knees and beg for Tea Hoot back, and the cycle will once start again. Let's also not forget that Naff (another lesbian dyke that spends her time playing with furfags) seems to enjoy bouncing around between Tea Hoot and Mud Puppy. These bitches just can't get their shit set straight. Way to go Tea Hoot, add more whores to your fandom! After MudPuppy went back to Tea Hoot, Naff commenced BAWWWING to her friends about her love life.
Tea Hoot was recently banned, her cult following seems insistent on keeping her drama on FPs. As quoted by a moderator, "If you want to talk about Tea and praise her in your creepy cult-glory, do it on MSN." Hooray for creepy cults!
Tea Hoot, not being satisfied as a attention whore likes to pretend that she is a awesome troll to save herself some face. Confirmed on her formspring http://www.formspring.me/putinhatesbush, stating she enjoys trolling fp and probably lied to have her friends regard her as "bringing lulz to fp".
The Saga of Nazi Dykes: Sheer, Sker, Alchemic Reaction
Sheer, a skinhead nazi reformist who praises,"Seig heil," to the German flag, yet partakes in her fellow dykenes and also belongs to a nazi goth, Sker, is merely a 13-year-old low-life who depends on the company of Alchemic Reaction, another low-life follower of the skinhead reformation, who faps to Michael Jackson while BAWWWing over her deceased lover, Billy Mays. These little emo kids enjoy sleeping, fapping, and spending their hours inbetween on the computer trolling the Furry-Paws chat room for some 12-year-old girls. If they aren't doing one of these, they are BAWWWing over their latest big breakup with their fellow dykebian girlfriend, commencing in false pity within the community.
Talon: He dies like 6 times a year
Talon AKA Lyrick AKA black person (we'll call him nigger), has "died". You see, Nigger ha
sd stage 4 cancer and 6 months to live. However, Nigger was too emo to wait for Satan to call him home, so he killed himself. Tears of joy echoed around the land of Furry-Paws as they realized the only black person there had become an hero.
Tragedy struck, however, when word came that Nigger was not truly dead. The oldest of FPians were certainly not surprised, but the two friends Nigger had that cried for him were overjoyed. Nigger wove some lie about how his friend, Durion, had kidnapped him and spread the "lie". Anyone who has ever spoken to Nigger knows that Durion is Nigger himself. Sadly, the friends of Nigger still believed him. Maybe one day, they can all become an hero's together.
BREAKING NEWS: Talon is confirmed by sources to be an entire fake itself. Since it has lied so many times, the true Talon remains a mystery. Talon is actually a ploy conducted by a female who's not a black person but instead stole the identity of one. link to Talon's inactive formspring
White Tiger: Talking Like This Is Cool Yo
One of the many FAIL artists on Furry-paws, Tiger bleeds her parents pockets dry by buying USD art by the shitloads. Her deviantart is here if you feel like trolling ;) http://blossom800.deviantart.com/ She butt-fucks poor Fever for art of her ugly ass character Berlyn, but how can you say no to endless amounts of jew gold? With no drawing talents of her own, she copies Fever's art style in a attempt to make herself POPULARRRRR!~!~. Whats even worse is the bitch Talks Like This, Capatilizing Every Fucking Letter Of Every Fucking Paragraph. Dumb bitch. White Tiger loves to post her fail fursona in art nook on her spare time, shoving the rainbow on grey design down our throats. This is prime example why they shouldn't like 9-year-olds on the interwebs.
Moar Attention Whores
Other Ways To Be An Attention Whore:
- Place a picture of yourself as your tag; this way, no matter where you go on the site, everyone’s forced to look at you.
- Create a webshow devoted to the community. Everyone will love you, and you’ll gain instant popularity!
- Pretend to be gay, lesbian, or something that makes you super special and unique. Hell, even pretend to be mentally handicapped! That's sure to make you popular!
- Place your phone number up on Furry-Paws. "if n1 wants to call me plz do. im so bored. NO TEXTING I CANT TEXT! 1-270-922-6506 Plz call im so bored!"
Despite being social rejects, players on Furry-Paws take the opposite moral ground to other sites hosting communities of losers, maintaining a fascist regime of upholding as much political correctness as humanly possible. Consequently, the community is incredibly easy to troll as the mere mention of anything controversial will cause a flurry of backlash, with members demanding that the OP see the light and convert to either a liberal or conservative mindset (depending on the issue at hand).
The Rant Board
The only portion of the site where anything even remotely interesting happens, the rant board consists of 12-year-old girls BAWWWWing about how hard their lives are, how nobody loves them, and more shit nobody cares about.
EDIT: The rant board was deleted. Furry Paws sucks.
Furry-Paws has had many lulzy times in it's history, these are just a few of such times.
September 2010 - OMG ED GOT ME HAXED!!
A new trend that has recently risen from the bowels of Furry-Paws. One day an attention whore thought of a great idea, a way to get sympathy and free money. She quickly posted a board, insisting that "someone at ED had to have hacked her" and she lost "over 70million dollars!!" The players, quick to react, began to panic and change passwords, and paranoia spread. Then a new challenger appeared, someone who had a reputation of being an honest person. They claimed they were hacked but "nothing was taken." They too blamed ED, and more paranoia spread. Who knows if the mania will continue? Who will get "hacked" next? Stay tuned to this page for the exciting continuation!!
September 2010 - Snowshoe is Carlou! B&! OMG DRAMAZ!
On an epic day in history, Snowshoe was called out for being Carlou with the help of many EDiots. S/he denied it and managed to get two posts closed before our knight in shining armor spread his hands far and wide and dropped a banhammer on her ass. However, Snowshoe appears to be so obsessed with the "truth" that she continues to denies it. A few sophisticated players believed that Carlou was not a lie, and stood up for them. The post in general was a huge fail. EDiots everywhere hope this sparks many lulz, however, and expect it. They also expect Snowshoe to "quit" at least 142357 times.
The end of the drama:
On September 28th, 2010 a thread appeared containing the truth of Snowshoe and Carlou. The thread was very quickly removed by the moderators, but not before this EDiot could capture screenies and save images. These are such images, proving that once and for all- Carlou IS Snowshoe:
July 2011 - Skullsmasher fakes his/her/it/she/the death!!!! OMG so SAD )~:
In a sad attempt to get out of commissions and be a sleezy cheap skate, Skullsmasher faked his death. Like many people before him, they obviously couldn't do anything fucking right like pretending to die and move on with life. Apparently skin cancer or some bullshit was the killer, leaving behind many questions unanswered, many BAWWWING left unheard. His girlfriend Blitz seems to go on like nothing happened, continues to sell art/post on forms even though her lover is dead and gone. Even worse, a new artist appeared right after the day SS kicked the bucket. Claiming to be SS's friend IRL LOL and that he taught her how to draw, Loveless has the exact drawing style as the old Skullsmasher and is buddy buddy with Blitz as well. Because thats what Skullsmasher would of wanted LOL. It seems he got off skott clean, keeping all the money from his poor commissioners for himself. Countless BAWWWING posts about him dying can be read on the General Board, seeing how the mods let this fly. Skullsmashers dead, end of story.
April 2012 - "HACKERS" of fp are stealin mah account!!!
Some awesome people, clearly for the lulz, acquired passwords and usernames of the most annoying people on FP and trolled. The first person to be hit was Paws, an autistic 12-year-old who was dumb enough to give out her account information as well as her full address and phone number. Soon after Cinder, Flinch, and a few others found themselves "hacked." Shazzy X is currently holding an anti-hacker campaign and giving out free FPP to those who are hacked. LOL HIT HER UP FOR FREE MONEY.
How to tell if your account is hacked? Well you can't login shit-for-brains. Your tag will be respectively changed to a picture of Chris Brown and the trolling will commence. If you see the pain series posted on the forums in your name, then you clearly did something wrong. Stay tuned for more trolling accounts.
PROTIP: There are easter eggs hidden across FP from the hacked accounts that the mods were too stupid to find. Lulz to you if you found them.
July/August 2012 - HATE SITES ARE BAD!!
Hate sites, otherwise known as "we're too retarded to figure out how to edit ED" is a collection of cancer inducing blogs hosted on Tumblr in which members of Faggy-Paws gather to spew their drama and cry about each other. They have only recently come to the attention of site owner, Kahlem, however, and due to such they are now BANNED from ever being talked about!!11 After the moderators pulled the trigger too soon and banned user Pales, Kahlem decided to announce that she can ban whoever she wants with or without proof of connection to such hate sites (but if you ask the mods its "WE ALWAYS HAVE PROOF GUISE!!!"). Some may remember this is the same sort of man hunt that went down after this ED page was created. For now, it seems, the hate sites will be opened and deleted by Tumblr within a few days, and their spread seems minimal.
Ways to Troll Furry Paws Players
- Mention your unfixed, mixed breed dog
- Own an unfixed dog
- Breed your dog (or cat)
- Say you support people eating dog meat/meat in general
- Be against gays
- Kill an animal
- Don't take your dog to a vet (even if it ONLY has a HANGNAIL!)
- Support cropping or docking (and not necessarily by a vet)
- Hate pit bulls/bully breeds
- Support dog fighting
- Remind everyone that the site's owner never does anything.
- Mention, even in passing, that you enjoy eating dog meat.
- Tell blond(e) jokes
- Say you don't support adopting from a shelter
- Post a topic that could trigger someone (rape, eating disorders, etc)
- Say you're 14 and pregnant and how proud you are to be so.
- Mention ED
- Say you hit your dog
- Mention the revamp
- Hate dog update posts
- Reply to any of Abs posts with the URL to her website.
- Make rant regarding annoyance of mods
- Go to the heart of the beast: server located at 22.214.171.124; watch as basement dwellers cry over 12 hours of lost work on their dogs
Furry Paws "Mature"
Recently a new website cropped up known as "Furry Paws Mature." The essence of Furry Paws "Mature" is that members can go and talk about "mature" things that they can not on Furry Paws. It has turned into, however, a "Bawwww my life sucks" website where Ieosous goes to cry about how horribly depressing her life is. When Ieosous isn't busy crying about everything that exists, the other members are crying about how their mommies never loved them, and how shitty the Furry Paws moderators are. Luckily for them, they can bitch their little hearts out and say whatever they want- because the mods had the rule books thrown at them that shows no matter what lies they create, they can't get in trouble on the actual site. (Though it certainly wont stop them from trying)
BAWW BAWW BAWW BAW BAW BAW BAWWWW Ieosous' life sucks BAWWWW BAW BAW I got a warning for cussing BAW BAWWWW BAAAWWW People think my emaciated dog is too skinny and bitch at me about it and I'm such a huge cunt BAWW BAAWWWBABABAWWWW. She loves to listen to her parents have sex (as she mentioned on FPM) and refuses to realize she is spoiled. She thinks the phrase "Haters Make Me Famous" is true and loves to cause "drama" wherever she happens upon. When Ieosous is not being a spoiled brat bitching about her life she is fucking other men.
Joining FPM instantly makes you ineligible for anything on Furry-Paws. This means you can't win chat contests, you can never be an image bank rater (or have images accepted into the image bank), or a newbie helper. Basically, join under a fake name and never say who you are if you hope to be anything on Furry-Paws besides a low life fuck up (see what I mean by mods still try to get you in trouble?)*.
- this doesn’t apply to people who are already moderators, of course. How else would they spy on members?
"Sully is half lab and...half shitty mongrel. He is the foundation stud for the breed of dog I plan to develop using him the Lupercori (which is latin and roughly translates to Angel Wings). The Lupercori will ideally be sound dogs for both children's hospital work as well as nursing homes and even pets (like Sully, they should all embody his extreme averageness)."
Lupercori are Becky's attempt to breed a superior butt-fucking dog breed, so she can finally have something to shove her strap on woman-penis into. "Demo Dog. Life Guard. Search and Rescue Dog. CGC, TDI and a bunch of other letters. He is one awesome dog and an absolute joy to work with" translates into "Will lick peanut butter out of my butthole, like my many fat fan girls on FP who have no idea I am actually a woman".
Becky justifies creating this mystikal dog breed to the twelve-year-olds on FP by falsifying her fugly mutt's titles and by writing small novels in response to one line questions of which she cannot answer, and by cleverly distracting them by dropping hints about pizza. She also claims that in the 21st century she has no way of proving her dog's titles, getting a video of him actually working, or pictures of him doing anything. Besides jumping off children's playground equipment of course. But there was the time when they all decided they wanted pizza hut, so they conferred for a short duration, agreed on a compromise between half meat lovers (Becky loves meat) and pepperoni, but then decided pizza hut would take too long so they debated about dominos but is it really artisan they asked themselves? But surely they couldn't lower themselves to papa johns, that would be blasphemy. What they ended up getting was little ceasar's and boy was it delicious.
This breed has yet to exist because nobody in real life is able to understand what a "lupercori" is or why a black dog that looks and acts like every other black dog in shelters across America should reproduce. But hey, pizza.
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