Imagine The Simpsons with more science fiction wankery, slutty women, and set in the year 3000, and you've got Futurama. The show turned out to be so bad Fox purposely let football games run into their time-slot to spare people from sitting through another batch of Matt Groening's eye-rape. Even though Fox canned it in 2003, Comedy Central decided to revive the series by releasing four straight-to-DVD movies and airing 26 episodes in mid-2010, keeping them well away from ratings week. Thus, the show is still alive and worse than ever. In 2013, Comedy Central canceled the show for the 9,001th time.
On New Years Eve, 1999, Downs Syndrome patient-turn-delivery-boy Philip J. Fry falls into a cryonic tube and is frozen for a thousand years. This spawned a raging fanboy base from the very beginning because the target demographic is losers and fags aching to escape their own shitty lives. After Fry wakes up, he gets a job at the Planet Express Delivery Company with his nephew, Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth. Every episode begins with the Professor walking into a room and saying "[Blank] news, everyone!" before sending them on an incredibly dangerous and near-fatal (but still boring for the viewer) mission. The writers run with the premise that the future is different than the present where even making a phone call is painfully ironic.
|Philip J. Fry: In case you have dementia, the show reminds you every single fucking episode that Fry is from the 20th century. Later we find that Fry is much like You in that he has a Micropenis when Leela comments on his size when Fry, Amy and Leela are naked and in a Steam Bath together. Fry is also his own grandfather, having gone back in time and fucked his grandmother. That sex scene being the only notable thing about the entire series.|
|Bender: A lazy, alcoholic, chain smoking, kleptomaniac robot. Unsurprisingly, it was revealed in the third season that he is actually Mexican. Dreams of one day killing all humans, although he is too lazy to ever get around to it. Again confirming he is Mexican.|
|Turanga Leela: The bitch necessary to drive the plot forward. She's a karate master, cyclops-mutant-human with a good body, however, she cannot find another man for the life of her. Even though she may be a one-eyed freak that's prone to singing boils on her ass she's somehow always fucking a man with plenty of potential like Doctor's, mayor's aides, high ranking military officers every week but she can't seem to commit to them for one reason or another. Fry wants to fuck her brains out through early seasons but she friend-zone's him harder than the average ED user until after the movies. Voiced by Peggy Bundy, a fact which the show never gets tired of reminding us and the prevailing reason why most viewers can't see Leela as a sex object because every time she opens her mouth, all that comes to mind is a 6 foot tall redhead sitting a couch. Some Leela Trivia: Her apartment number is ONE-I and her Personal ID number is One-B-D-I. Leela gets her name from Doctor Who and the fourth Doctor's companion, Leela. Leela, like most women in Sci-Fi and animation, has gravity defying breasts as shown when she is on the high gravity planet Stumbos 4 and Zap's girdle fails but Leela's breasts are as perky as ever.|
|Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Fry's 160-year-old nephew and owner of Planet Express. Most of his waking hours are spent sleeping, though he also invents pointless gadgets such as the Smell-O-Scope and the 'What-If' machine. "Boring plot device, Everyone!"|
|Amy Wong: A skanky AZN as rich as she is easy. She was born on Mars and is dating/married to alien ladyboy, Kif Kroker. Despite being Azn, Amy is rather lazy and unmotivated, taking 12 years to complete her doctorate in Physics. In her defense she did say that there was no need for her to rush because she was rich and happy with her current life. A PhD really wouldn't raise her social position or income. One of the problems with Futurama and the character of Amy is that it makes the same mistake that all shows that start with one-word character descriptions do is that it forgets to have the character that it named the Whore actually have sex or slut around. Until the movies, the only person Amy had slept with was Fry while Leela was pretty much getting hammered away at by anything or anyone with a dick and even those without one such as Kif. Seeing their good girl character becoming what can only be described as a cum bucket, the writers made a mad dash to re-establish Amy as the Whore by having her seduced by the uninspired, William Shatner parody Zapp Brannigan, along with Bender but that's pretty much akin to playing with a sex toy, rather than that one person obsessed fanboys DO want to see her screw - Leela.|
|Zoidberg: A Jew, alien crustacean doctor with only four jokes on the entire show: being a bad surgeon, being poor, eating garbage, and being disliked. Starting in episode three, they added a fifth joke. Zoidberg now goes, "Woop woop woop!" occasionally. A powerfully unfunny character gets a powerfully unfunny catch phrase! Still better than you because, by the end of the series, he has a place of his own, a girlfriend and a job.|
|Zapp Brannigan: An egocentric tub of lard that somehow got to be a manwhore spaceship-captain. In short, pot-shots at Captain Kirk, just not as well written.|
|Kif Kroker: Zapp Brannigan's cabin boy and general comic foil, if "comic foil" means reacting to every line from every character by sighing. Somehow gets pregnant and has tadpole babies with Leela.|
|Hermes Conrad: Jamaican bureaucratic fuck needed to round out the collection of racial stereotypes and make stoners laugh. Your basic, cuckold, omega male that is perfectly fine with his wife fucking Barbados Slim every chance she gets and Slim can even be seen sneaking in Hermes' house, in some episodes, when he is leaving for work.|
|Mom: Generic corporate overlord in the guise of a sweet old lady. Mom had copious amounts of sloppy, old-people sex with Professor Farnsworth in the past but harbors hate since he never called back (who would?). One of her three kids, the retarded one, is Farnsworth's. Mom is one of the few friends that Zoidberg has and is actually convinced that Zoidberg is a genius in both intellect and wit. She actually believed that Zoidberg's offer to buy an expensive piece of art for $300 was him, legitimately, mocking the poor instead of the truth. Zoidberg actually believed he could purchase the art for $300.|
|Nibbler: Leela's pet. Secretly an ancient alien spy who allowed Fry to get frozen so Fry could kill giant brains in the future. Due to his mismanagement or shortsightedness, Nibbler gets fry trapped in a realm of non-existence because he went with the inadequate Scooty Puff Jr for Fry's escape vehicle when the Nibblonians were using Fry to execute their Master Stroke against the Big Brains.|
|Scruffy: The janitor. He ain't seen anyone before. His goal in life is to die exactly the same way he lived - Laying in bed, doing nothing and looking at nudie mags. His robotic wash bucket is madly in love with him.|
|Wash Bucket: Scruffy's sentient, robotic mop bucket that is madly in love with him. In case you needed to be told, there are a lot of Retards on DeviantArt that love drawing this romance.|
- Free Waterfall Jr: Eaten by LRR of Onicron Persei 8
- Free Waterfall Sr: Pecked to death by penguins.
- Old Man Waterfall: Crushed by Decapodian battle fortress. Buried with Satanic rites by his 3 husbands.
- Frida Waterfall: Strangled by the The Dark One
- Hutch Waterfall: Atomized by The Dark One. The Last Encylopod holds his DNA
Among the pissload of secondary characters that nobody gives a fuck about include Richard Nixon's head, Dr. Ogden Wernstrum, cookie-cutter crazy cat lady, some dude with a 9 on his shirt and Roberto the Stabbing Robot
The straight-to-DVD movies (aka Season 5)
- Bender's Big Score: Professor Farnsworth finds out the Fox executives have been fired and beaten to death for canceling Futurama, Hermes gets decapitated, everyone gets scammed and Bender creates a shitload of time paradoxes. Because every paradox creates a duplicate of the character, Bender ends up raping the universe and creates over 9000 copies of himself. Reality implodes under the weight of retardation and the universe turns into goatse.
- The Beast With A Billion Backs: After Bender tore space-time a new asshole in Bender's Big Score, a shemale Spaghetti Monster called Yivo tentacle rapes everyone by making them deepthroat him/her/shkler in one giant gangbang. Fry becomes the leader of Scientology, Zapp fucks Amy after KIF DIES! and Bender becomes a pirate.
- Bender's Game: Leela has a fit of roid-rage and smashes the Planet Express ship so Professor Farnsworth makes her wear a shock collar for being a bitch (she eventually begins to like it). Meanwhile Bender goes batshit insane and thinks he's a knight in a mystical faerie world. He gets sent to the nuthouse while Professor and Mom fight over some crystals. Some weird shit happens and they get sucked into Bender's imagination; from here on in it's just the exact same plot line but this time the characters are LARPing. Culminates in a LOTR escapade but somehow everything reverts back to the FIRST plot line and Mom's autistic son is Farnsworth's after a Star Wars style revelation of paternity.
- Into The Wild Green Yonder: in short, this movie is basically the Alien Zoo episode of Captain Planet because its final message is, "Despite having 10 ga-jillion people alive and living on the Earth, the Human Species is an endangered animal that is on the verge of extinction." Less Cynically, Amy's dad comes up with the brilliant plan of blowing the shit out of a star to make way for a planetary miniature golf course. Fry gets a piece of jewelery lodged in his brain which allows him to read minds but he goes nuts, dons a tinfoil hat and joins "The Legion of Mad Fellows". Bender has an affair with a fembot called Fanny, Leela and Amy become feminists and have an big hippy party before saving a bunch of animals. The movie ends with Fry and Leela finally getting together inside the Planet Express ship and expressing their feelings for each other as Brannigan's ship lubes its space-cannon. Suddenly, the whole cast gets sucked into a giant wormhole which Professor Farnsworth says could take them billions of lightyears away, never to return. Where will the wormhole leave them?
Futurama holds the record for the most, and worst, memes spawned from a bad cartoon show. Among its viral fecal-matter are Hypnotoad, Shut up and take my money!, I see what you did there and Not Sure Fry (the latter two were conceived from the same image, a testament to the Internet's creativity). This wretched vat of fail boiled over into the marketing department at Comedy Central, who used them to advertise the show and draw in the Internet-savvy.
- I see what you did there
- Child abduction
- The Adventures Of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius
|Featured article December 2 & 3, 2012|
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