Game of Thrones
—If by destiny you mean D&D then I have bad news for you
Game of Thrones is a long-format pornography/snuff film that airs Sundays on HBO. Game of Thrones is based on a series of books that are the very textbook definition of TL;DR, having been written by George R.R. Martin, a neckbeard who faps on having characters fuck, kill each other, or fuck THEN kill each other. A pair of faggots named David and Dan are in charge of the televised shitshow, allowing an ironic nickname of D&D to refer to both, which can either mean Dungeons and Dragons if you're one of the retarded mongoloid sheep who actually enjoy their abortion, or Dumb and Dumber if you're one of the more intelligent individuals who realize they've turned an already overrated series into a festering pile of shit wherein each stool is looser and smells fouler than the last.
There is a metric fuckton of dull characters that are all in a generic alternate version of the Dark Ages where smug aristocrats endlessly drink wine and talk about boring shit nobody but casuals and WoWfags care about. Then, they all have sex and/or failcest with each other and die while fighting over who gets to be gangbanged. End of rine.
In short, It's "Downtown Abbey" at a Ren-faire, except they solve their disputes by murdering each other.
The series is based on the Song of Ice and Fire series of novels, which are basically The Lord of the Rings with less ambiguously gay midgets, more incest, and random lesbian quickies. In order to understand the subtle differences, compare Torchwood to Doctor Who, or Mass Effect to Star Trek. You'll notice that actual story is replaced with torture, sex, and gayness.
Everything good that happened in the books is here. There are slight detours that will serve as warnings in later seasons, like the black haired child Cersei aborted with wine which never existed, Brienne and The Hound having a GIANTBOWL when they meet in peaceful terms in the books, involving one losing an ear like Mike Tyson did to Holyfield's that's never brought up when they meet again under the same banner, and Lady Stoneheart not appearing because the actress of Catelyn was too much of a coward to actually act her role and become the vengeful messenger of death everyone's been waiting for since the Red Wedding happened. Sansa getting raped by the Boltons is the closest to avenging your family that we got, so it was all worth it. Arianne and Young Griff (who could be a fake Targ) also getting cut from the show will bite D&D in the long run when the two final books are finally released to the public in twenty years time. A Lannister also tries to be the new Ned Stark but like his predecessor gets killed by
Littlefinger Varys, well one of those assholes. Ygritte gets killed by Olly, removing any guilt on Jon for accidentally killed her theories.
And it's all downhill from here.
If you took this show seriously after Porne was introduced, you deserved all the mockery you got on Twitter for crying over wasting a decade of your life on this show. The future King of the
Seven Six Kingdoms, Bran the Broken, first of his name, was deleted for an entire season because D&D found his story "too boring", genius writers they are. Barriston gets killed in an alleyway by a bunch of nameless rejects coming from Thief: The Metal Age and Tyrion becomes hand of Dany without actually working for it first like he does in the books. Varys has a change of heart from trying to poison Dany and wants her on the throne but the moment Jon showed up he remembered the Young Griff storyline and wanted to reenact it as much as possible. Also Jon has an undead penis while Varys has none, so Jon automatically wins in his books. The showrunners take a penis being a good substitute for any sort of qualifications or experience a little too seriously. Blackfish Tully dies off-screen, and with it, any sense of credibility this show ever had post Season 4. We're also supposed to believe that getting hit by a stick sometimes on-screen makes you an assassin to the levels of Altair in a matter of a few months, like Naruto. Jon comes back to life like Jesus, and just like Jesus, he does fuck all when humanity needed him most.
Realising if they continued this charade, Game of Thrones would be taken as seriously as Sherlock is nowadays, D&D decided to starve what little fans they had left that gobble all sorts of theories EmergencyAwesome and other shit YouTube channels that all shamelessly rode the Game of Thrones traffic while they could and gave the show a little breathing time. A year and a half later, the final season of GoT was finally released in April 2019... and they shouldn't have bothered. From the moment the big fight between the White Walkers (all three of them!) and the united faith in humanity + dragons was scheduled to be in the third episode, you knew D&D were gonna fuck everything up. Every single moment of fuckery this season had could be easily be excused with three words "They forgot LOL" and even people who love GoT buzzwords got fed up of their shit. Which is a miracle in itself. Dany goes Nazi on everyone's ass because a bunch of bells drove her nuts, but she was nice enough to give Tryion a trial for his betrayal, how super crazy of her. Jon goes MUH KWEEN and AH DENENT WUN DES one last time as he frontstabs his Aunt but not in the way Discovery Channel intended. The Starks get all rewarded, Greyworm goes "okay" and fucks off in the horizon and Sam of all people survives the GoT game. The ending was so bad it made many fanfic writers go "I can do better" and so they have.
Oh and 8 years on a release date on the last two books still hasn't been announced yet. GRR Martin is a hack, 100% confirmed.
Also, Star Wars fans: PREPARE YOUR BUTTHURT, D&D ARE COMING IN DRY
Sean Bean's Ghost
Like in every other movie, television show, video game, or pornography that he has appeared in, Sean Bean dies. He begins the series as the defacto main character before a plot twist demanded that he be M. Night Shyamalan'd to death, thus finally hitting his Diamond Death Jubilee and transcending into Valhalla. Sean Bean's career is essentially the show 1000 Ways to Die made flesh. This is because "The Sean Bean Effect" is so armor-piercing it even penetrates 10 layers of Plot Armor.
You know you suck when a guy half your size slaps three shades of silly out of you, right in front of your own bodyguard.
The show caused the word "sexposition" to be coined: a combination of the words "sex" and "exposition". The term refers to when a character exposes important information about themselves while sexual activity is occurring.
An example scene may go something like this:
- Jon Snow: Blah blah blah honor of the Night's Watch...
- Background: Two dudes begin a train on this voluptuous hooker. As the surly armorer removes his helm he jams his powerful rod into the whore's fleshy cage. She moans encouragingly as the bulky armorer bends lower to grant a fruity trap entrance to his hairy vortex. The sounds of ball-slapping and ecstasy echo throughout the chamber while the hefty milkmaid feeds goats beyond the window with her massive medieval tits. The man shoots his load as the wench lets out a bellowing scream before he lowers his axe onto her neck. As her head rolls along the floor, the trap finishes and pats the armorer on the back, making some reference to the uselessness of women.
- Jon Snow: I'm a bastard child...
One Game of Thrones controversy is about rape. (Many articles from popular publishers were published about it.) The show features about four rape scenes. Two of them are of Drogo raping Dany. One of them is Jamie raping Cersei next to a dead Joffrey. And the most recent one is of Ramsay raping Sansa. This fact caused one cunt at The Guardian to stop watching the show entirely. A double standard is observed in the reaction to these scenes.
This show has way too many fucking characters. Below are the ones you'll care about.
Eddard "Ned" Stark: Main character of the first season. Eddard is the Lord of Winterfell, Warden of the North and head of the Stark family. He attempts to expose the fact that Joffrey "Baratheon" is a Lannister bastard born of incest. After the death of Robert Baratheon, the king, he tries to put Stannis Baratheon, Robert's younger brother, on the throne. Because he makes the retarded mistake of trusting Littlefinger (even after the latter repeatedly warned Ned not to trust him), Ned is assaulted by his own soldiers, and accused of being a traitor for denying Joffrey as rightful heir to the throne. He is then beheaded in front of his two daughters. Eddard is the very textbook definition of Lawful Good taken to stupid extremes.
Catelyn Stark: Eddard Stark's wife and Littlefinger's waifu. She hates Jon Snow, and is murdered at the Red Wedding. She was resurrected for necrophiliac fun by a priest of the Red God. Oops, gigantic spoilers. But it doesn't matter anyway because it never happened in the series.
Robb Stark: Eddard Stark's oldest son and heir to be Lord of Winterfell. After his dad is killed, he loses his shit, declares the North independent, and styles himself the King in the North. He was killed at a wedding because he'd decided to bone a foreign chick whom he hardly knew. See what happens when you have sex before marriage, kids...
Sansa Stark: Elder daughter of Eddard Stark. She is basically Anastasia Steele. She was betrothed to Joffrey Baratheon. Despite the abuse she received from Joffrey, she continued to stay with him even after he ordered the death of her father and even after being offered safe passage back to Winterfell twice. Only after Joffrey decides to marry some other broad (and once Sansa herself unwillingly marries Tyrion) does she realize the danger she truly is in and decides to GTFO. Just like her father, she makes the retarded mistake of trusting Littlefinger. She goes north with him to the Vale, only for Littlefinger to make out with her against her will, kill her aunt in front of her, and then give her to the Bolton-occupied Winterfell to be married to Ramsay Snow, another sick fuck rapist. She then escapes with Theon Greyjoy by jumping off the castle walls of Winterfell. She's the Queen of the North now.
Arya Stark: Younger daughter of Eddard Stark. She is a tomboy. After the death of her father, she manages to escape King's Landing through posing as a boy and setting off north with a Night's Watch recruiter. Their trip was cut short by troops looking for Robert Baratheon's bastard son. She was then captured and taken to Harrenhal, which was ran by Lord Tywin Lannister, who employed her as his cupbearer. She later escapes with the help of some guy who can change his face, who gives her a coin from Braavos and teaches her the words "Valar Morghulis". She is then taken in by the Brotherhood without Banners. Then Sandor Clegane, known as the Hound, finds her, and forces her to travel with him. He wants to ransom her to her mother, but just as he arrives at the Twins, the Red Wedding happens and her mother dies. Then he goes to the Vale to sell Arya to her aunt, only to find out she died three days ago. Then they are met by Brienne of Tarth, who fights the Hound and almost kills him. Arya then leaves him in the open to die. She meets a sailor from Braavos and gets there using the coin. She finds the faceless guy and joins his cult, but when she kills Meryn Trant, who went to a brothel to get little girls to abuse, she is rendered blind by the cult as punishment. After a rigorous training, where she was consistently pwned by Waif, she becomes a full-fledged assassin and returns home. She killed The Night King, rendering the whole series and the motto "Winter is coming" totally a waste of time.
Brandon Stark: Useless cripple whose special power is taking over animals. He was crippled by Jaime Lannister throwing him out of the window when Bran climbed a tower only to see Jaime porking his own sister. He escaped Winterfell in secret when Theon Greyjoy captured it. He traveled north for some hot gay fun with the Children of the Forest. Later on, he became the Three-Eyed Raven, having leveled up after training with his wizard master. He returned to Winterfell as a level 100 triple-prestige wizard, who just sits on his wheelchair and does absolutely nothing.
Rickon Stark: Literally who?
Jon Snow: Knows nothing. He is Eddard Stark's bastard son and goth. He frequently moans about being a bastard. He decides to become more of an outcast and joins the Night's Watch, a neutral organisation that once you join you can never unjoin. Despite his vows of celibacy, he eats a hot wildling's pussy. He was shanked by his allies at the end of Season 5 but came back from the dead. PLOT TWIST: He's actually Aegon Targaryen, Daenerys's long lost nephew. Rhaegar Targaryen (Daenerys's big bro who dies 100 years ago before the series) annulled his marriage to Elia Martell then married Lyanna Stark (Ned Stark's sister) in a secret ceremony. Lyanna died giving birth to Aegon Targaryen (later named Jon Snow) in the Tower of Joy which is in Dorne. So actually he should be King; as the legitimate son of Rhaegar and Lyanna, he is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne. Unfortunately, due to bad writing, he got exiled to the Night's Watch AGAIN.
Littlefinger (real name Petyr Baelish): I think Littlefinger is a pretty cool guy. eh is the mastermind behind the entire plot and isn't afraid of anything, except that time when he was begging for his life for his crimes and then he got executed by Arya Stark. He is one of the most prominent examples that the producers fucked up BIG TIME!
Draco Malfoy Joffrey Baratheon: The supposed son of Robert Baratheon who is later revealed to be a product of incest between his mother and his uncle. He is sadist and a narcissist who thinks the world belongs to him. After the death of Robert Baratheon he becomes the King. He was killed at his own wedding as a result of a plot orchestrated by Littlefinger.
Myrcella Baratheon: Joffrey's younger sister, Tommen's older sister. She is also a result of incest between Cersei and Jaime. She is hot as fuck, but is actually only about 16. She's betrothed to a Dornish prince, and Jaime and Bronn go on a mission to rescue her. She gets poisoned and dies.
Tommen Baratheon: Joffrey's younger brother. He is also a result of incest between Cersei and Jaime. He becomes king after Joffrey's death. As a result of his older brother bullying him for many years, he's a massive pussy. He owns the cat named Ser Pounce. Tommen dies after jumping out of a window after his wife blows up. King's Landing, amirite?
Tyrion Lannister: Youngest of the Lannister siblings and TEH BEST CHARACTER IN GAME OF THRONES EVAR!!!!!11111 Slaps Joffrey like a little bitch and gets away with it. Despite being the size of an 8-year old and a massive alcoholic, he is easily the most badass character in the entire show, getting laid all the time is and the only character worth rooting that's not Jon Snow. He is put on trial for poisoning Joffrey, and his father Tywin sentences him to death even though he knows Tyrion didn't do it. Tyrion gets out of jail and kills Tywin on the shitter, then escapes to Pentos across the Narrow Sea and gets to Daenerys. Since Dany has appointed him "Hand of the Queen", he becomes useless and does nothing but drinking and talking bullshit.
Cersei Lannister: Colossal brother-fucking bitch who does absolutely everything possible to keep herself queen, including poisoning her fat fuck of a husband, just to hide that her children were from her brother. She hates Tyrion and attempts to have him killed multiple times. She used to lick up her husband's cum because she liked the idea of eating his heirs out of spite, which she doesn't realize makes her look like even more of a subservient whore bitch. Sorely regrets it by the end of Season 5, where she gets stripped naked in front of the entire populace of King's Landing by the Faith Militant for her crimes, however she gets revenge by blowing up the Westeros equivalent of Vatican City, taking over as Queen, and becoming a comic book supervillain.
Jaime Lannister: Colossal sister-fucking bastard who does absolutely everything possible to keep himself in a sexual relationship with his sister. He fails, but does not regret it by the end of Season 5. He is captured in the War of the Five Kings and has his right hand chopped off. He returned to King's Landing to get a golden prosthetic hand. Afterwards, he had sex with Cersei next to their dead son, for he is a necrophile and was super turned on by the sight of a dead body. Somehow he managed to be one of the rare characters producers didn't fuck with.
Lancel Lannister: Cersei's cousin and substitute incestuous fuckbuddy while Jaime is away. He works with Cersei to kill Robert Baratheon. Lancel gets blackmailed by Tyrion into spying for him. Lancel is almost killed at the battle of the Blackwater, then joins an insane religious militant organisation. He turns in Cersei for having sex with him before, for which she is stripped naked and shamed in front of the entire city. He is later blown up by Cersei; he almost extinguished the fuse to the bomb, but failed because he's a weak pussybitch.
Tywin Lannister: The world's richest man, the criminal mastermind father of Cersei, Jaime, and Tyrion, head of House Lannister and Warden of the West. He led the Lannister forces in the War of the Five Kings, then becomes Hand of the King after taking all the credit for winning a battle that was actually won by Tyrion. He was actually the ruler of the Seven Kingdoms in all but title, since Joffrey and Tommen don't know shit about how to run a country. Tywin is the judge of Tyrion's trial and sentences him to death, and also sleeps with his hooker girlfriend, for which Tyrion later kills him while he's taking a shit. Tywin? More like Tylose, amirite?
Hodor: Most memorable for only being able to say his own name. He is by far the most relatable character, since trying to remain interested in the various boring characters renders one about as coherent as Hodor himself. Once Bran is crippled, he carries him everywhere. His name isn't actually Hodor, it's Wylis. He dies while holding a door.
Daenerys Targaryen (also known as Dany): Basically if Vladimir Lenin was a Magical Girl. She was Viserys Targaryen's younger sister and fuckslave, but after her brother is killed, she claims to be the rightful heir to the Iron Throne because her family was the ruling dynasty before Robert Baratheon rebelled. She marries a horsefucker from Essos, then goes around Essos with her tribe accomplishing absolutely nothing for the entirety of Season 1. At the end of Season 1, dragons hatch from the three petrified dragon eggs she'd been given, hence why she names herself the Mother of Dragons. She goes to Qarth, a city in the far east of Essos, and her dragons are stolen from her. She then hallucinates, and then does some magic shit with her dragons and burns a creepy guy alive. This is all that she accomplishes throughout Season 2. Later, she invades the three cities of Astapor, Yunkai, and Meereen to exterminate the bourgeoisie and free the slaves, with help from her army of cockless cucks known as Unsullied. However, she's so shit at ruling that she only manages to hold Meereen. She fires her most trusted advisor for spying on her about three years ago, and had sex with a guy she'd met about a month ago. Her own dragon takes her to some grassy place where she's abducted by another tribe of the horsefuckers she's supposed to lead. So in summary, she accomplished absolutely nothing throughout the entirety of the series and is actually the true villain. She's also the blandest character of the entire series, with her only personality traits being MUH KHAL DROGO, MUH DRAGONS, MUH REVENGE, and MUH JUSTICE and BEND THE KNEE OR DRACARYS. Overrated as fuck. She also fucks Jon Snow, who is actually her nephew, and in the end becomes a genocidal fuckhead who burned all of King's Landing and all the lannis-jews that populated it. Nevertheless, feminists keep naming their children after this monster because she is a STRONK INDEPENDENT WOMYN!
Jorah Mormont: Exiled Westerosi knight who considers Daenerys to be his most beloved Waifu, but gets friendzoned all the time. He spies on her at first, then stops it because MAI KHALEESI WAIFU. It comes back to bite him in the ass about three years later, when Daenerys finds out and fires him despite him being her most trusted advisor. However, like a crazy weeaboo he doesn't give up, captures Tyrion in a brothel in Volantis, and brings him back to Meereen. Contracts greyscale on the way there. He has to risk his life in gladiatorial combat in order to get back to Daenerys, who clearly said she didn't want to see him ever again. Died a hopeless loser who sacrificed himself for Daenerys even though she only called him in his death as her best friend.
Daario Naharis: Fucked Daenerys for a while and then got dumped.
Ramsay Snow: Bastard son of Roose Bolton. He is sent to reclaim Winterfell in the name of Robb Stark. After Theon Greyjoy's men betray him and surrender to Ramsay, Ramsay orders his men to kill Theon's men and burn Winterfell down. Ramsay is incredibly sadistic and enjoys torturing people for fun. When he captures Theon Greyjoy, he tortures him as a pastime. He chops off Theon's cock and sends it to his family in a box. He later marries Sansa Stark and becomes the Lord of Winterfell after Robb Stark's death. Also he rapes her, causing her to escape with the cockless Theon. Dies by getting eaten by dogs.
Roose Bolton: Head of House Bolton, Lord of the Dreadfort, Edgelord Extraordinaire. Roose is a psychopath who flays people for lulz and rapes women for shits 'n giggles. He is also a Dracula expy who likes bloodsucking animals and cruel torture. He personally kills Robb Stark because he thought it'd be funny, and later becomes Warden of the North. Roose is later killed by Ramsay because his got his fat wife pregnant.
Theon Greyjoy: Raised by Ned Stark alongside Robb and Jon Snow. He is the son of Balon Greyjoy of the Iron Islands. Betrays the Starks and captured Winterfell. Gets captured by Ramsay Snow who tortures him and cuts his dick off for the lulz. He has been Ramsay's sex slave (and rightfully so) since Season 3. He gets brainwashed by Ramsay, but then regains some of
his senses and runs away with Sansa. Charges towards The Night King like an idiot while protecting Bran and gets totally pwnt.
Robert Baratheon: King at the beginning of the series. He is Cersei's husband and Ned Stark's best friend. He is a massive alcoholic and manwhore. He is killed by a plot orchestrated by Cersei and Lancel, who got him drunk at a boar hunt, which got him mortally wounded by a boar.
Stannis Baratheon: Robert Baratheon's younger brother and the one and only rightful king. He gets rekt in the battle of the Blackwater, where he attempts to take over King's Landing and Tyrion stops him by blowing up a ship. After that, he aimlessly travels around Westeros trying to somehow get back his throne. He also joins the religion of the Lord of Light and fucks a cultist priestess, who gives birth to a shadow assassin that kills Renly, Stannis's younger brother. He burns his own daughter alive at the stake. The Boltons defeat him when he tries to take over Winterfell, and he is killed by Brienne of Tarth.
Renly Baratheon: He is Stannis's and Robert's younger brother. Renly claims to be the rightful King of Westeros. He is also gay and his wife's brother is his fuckbuddy. He was killed by Stannis's shadow assassin in front of his own bodyguard.
Melisandre: The red cultist priestess who fucks Stannis and engages in weird shit involving blood magic and resurrecting people back from the dead. She has a demonic pussy and is actually a granny when she puts off her necklace. After the Battle of Winterfell is over, she puts it off for the last time and crumbles into dust.
Davos Seaworth: Smuggler that is knighted by Stannis. Serves as his Hand of the King. Davos is taught how to read by Stannis's daughter. He is probably the most irrelevant out of all the irrelevant characters that pretend to be important.
Oberyn Martell: Prince of Dorne, and TEH SECOND BEST CHARACTER IN GAME OF THRONES EVAR!!!!!111111 He will either kill or have sex with anyone whom he sees. He comes to King's Landing for Joffrey's wedding, but in reality, it's to seek revenge for his sister, Elia Martell. Gregor Clegane, the same man who killed his sister, smashes his head open, because Oberyn had refused to finish him off before he admitted his crimes.
Sandor Clegane: Known as the Hound. Half of his face was burned off by his big brother when he was little. He is initially Joffrey's bodyguard, then decides to fuck off. He finds Arya Stark and tries to ransom her to various family members only to find out that they've all been killed. Sandor was seemingly killed by Brienne of Tarth, but he came back super pissed off with a giant beard. Hanged out with Brotherhood Without Banners before they all got pwnt by wights.
Varys: A fat bald eunuch. He has the biggest spy network in the world. He helps Tyrion get out of jail before his execution, then they escape to Essos. His spy network was lured away by Qyburn with sweets, so he's basically useless.
Brienne of Tarth: A giant ugly woman who desperately strived to be a knight and therefore prove to the patriarchy that women can be stronk and independent warriors too. Tried to find employment as a knight, from the Baratheons to the Starks, but to no avail. Finally gives up on her feminist lesbian crusade once she and Jamie fucked each other.
Samwell Tarly: A fat and socially awkward member of the Night's Watch. Samwell is Jon Snow's best friend. Sam gets a girl from Craster's keep, Craster being a guy who fucks hundreds of his own daughters to give him more offspring. He kills a White Walker and they escape to Castle Black. He fucks her and then goes who-knows-where to become a Maester but gets tired of the archmaesters' bullshit and leaves. Now he's in Winterfell.
Ygritte: Jon Snow's wildling girlfriend. She attempts to kill him later, dies in the battle of Castle Black.
Houses of Westeros
Westeros's whole society is based on Houses, of which it has about a million-and-one. They're all convinced their family is the hottest shit that ever lived and each have their own sigils and words which they plaster on every thing and person they own. Most have existed for like 10,000 years since the beginning of time, though somehow most seem to consist of a single nuclear family and maybe a cousin or two, honestly, it's a bit weird. The fact that like 100 legendary families which have existed since the beginning of the universe are now either extinct or poised to be so, and nobody seems to find it abnormal, is something you'll have to ignore.
The following is a short list of houses people bother to remember:
House Stark - Winter is Coming: The former ruling family of the North. The former head, Eddard, went down to the capital to help out his homeboy Robert Baratheon, but he got pwnt by the Lannisters. His son Robb raised the Northern army to avenge him, but along the way he shagged this one spic whore and that got his whole army killed at a wedding. The only true Starks left were children, which include an SJW sob story, a cripple, an aspiring serial killer, and some faggot named Rick. Have a fondness for direwolves and even describe themselves in wolf terms, proving how furry they are.
House Lannister -
Hear Me Roar A Lannister Always Pays His Debts: Basically the Rothschilds. They were the ruling family of the Westerlands and, due to their immense wealth, have become de facto rulers of all of Westeros. These Selfish cunts hoard up ca$h money and use it to buy their way out of problems. Tywin Lannister, an aging political mastermind, kept things running smooth for House Lannister until he got nosc0ped by his dwarf son while taking a shit. Now the batshit insane USI bitch Cersei had run the family name into the ground, and in the end, the imp outcast ended up being the only survivor in this decadent fuckup of a family.
House Baratheon - Ours is the Fury: The ruling family of the Stormlands. House Baratheon consists of three brothers who don't really get along with each other. Robert Baratheon, the eldest, was a bad-ass, El Che Guevara style revolutionary who brought down monarchies with his war hammer in one hand and his dick in the other. However, after he became King, he turned into a fat bitch who let himself get fucked by the Lannisters. He got killed by some farm animal,
leaving his brothers Stannis, a religious fanatic, and Renly, a faggot, to squabble while the Lannisters fuck them both. Now the only living Baratheon is Gendry, and he's a bastard.
House Tyrell - Growing Strong: The ruling family of the Reach. House Tyrell is arguably the most decent of the families of Westeros. However, their future is questionable since their only heir is a faggot, but no one really gives a shit about the Tyrells except that Margaery has boobs. House Tyrell currently has no living members.
House Tully - Family, Duty, Honor: The former ruling family of the Riverlands. The only members worth mentioning are Catelyn, who married Ned, Lysa, who married Jon Arryn of the Vale, and their brother Edmure, who is a retard who can't properly shoot a bow and who fucked up Robb Stark's grand strategy. House Tully is overthrown by House Frey and Edmure is captured at his own wedding, the Red Wedding. Only one member remains alive, Edmure. The badass of the family, Brynden Tully, was killed off-screen.
House Martell - Unbent, Unbowed, Unbroken: The ruling family of Dorne. Doran Martell is the head of the house and is trying his ass off to avoid war with the Lannisters, which is ruined by his brother Oberyn's lover when she poisons Myrcella. Sand is by far the most common surname in Dorne, since every other fucking person there is a bastard.
House Greyjoy - We do not Sow: The ruling family of the Iron Islands, which is basically Imperial Japanese Norway: a shitty resourceless archipelago that happened to have one of the most powerful navies in the world. Many times, they have tried to become independent, somehow conquering massive swaths of land on Westeros, only to be beaten back and confined on their islands just as quickly as they rose up. The lord is Balon Greyjoy, who hates his only heir, Theon. Theon himself is probably the unluckiest person in the Seven Kingdoms. Their symbol is a tentacle monster, and their religion is the worship of the Drowned God. AND WHERE THE FUCK IS VICTARION YOU LAZY DIPSHITS!!!
House Arryn - As High as Honor: The ruling family of the Vale. House Arryn is the most irrelevant house of all. Jon Arryn is assassinated after finding out the truth of Joffrey's parentage. Lysa Arryn is a deranged lunatic in love with Littlefinger, who kills her and takes over the Vale. (Lysa Arryn has a striking resemblance to Gabrielle Chana, a non-fictional person, in both appearance and behavior). Robin Arryn, Lysa's autistic son, is the most annoying little shit in all of Game of Thrones. He still sucks on his mother's tit as a ten year old. The Vale is full of barbarian tribes.
House Targaryen - Fire and Blood: The former royal dynasty of Westeros, who title themselves as the Dragonborn, and only unifying the wartorn continent by the use of their pet dragons. It was said that when a Targaryen was born, God would flip a coin on whether he ended up either a messianic genius or a batshit insane lunatic, explaining their addiction to burning entire populations alive. This genetic insanity is because brother-sister incest is literally their most ancient and important tradition. Because their peroxide-blonde hair and control of their pokemon is a recessive gene, they see incest as a necessary measure to retain their superior genes. When their precious charizards went extinct however, their grip on power started falling apart, and by the time of Robert's Rebellion these maniacs were finally kicked out of Westeros. Rhaegar fucked Ned's sister (giving birth to Jon Snow) and got killed by Robert Baratheon. His father, the Mad King, got killed by his own bodyguard, Jaime Lannister. Viserys Targaryen, Rhaegar's brother, got killed by Khal Drogo. The only remaining members are Jon Snow, a perpetually depressed goth who never inherited the insanity gene because he's only half-Targaryen, and Daenerys, a maniac who did inherit the gene and is obsessed with burning people, so House Targaryen is pretty much destined to destroy itself.
House Bolton - Our Blades are Sharp: Literally the edgiest house to ever live; they're so edgy it's their fucking house words. They live in a giant torture-house called the Dreadfort and enjoy such activities as torture, flaying, hunting women, and rape. They've existed almost as long as the Starks and used to be kings who spent thousands of years in a pissing contest with the Starks over who could kick each others ass more. Each compete with one another to out-edge the last generation, including but not limited to making coats out of their enemies, making giant tents out of people-skin, and pulling out entrails. Like the Targaryens they practice Eugenics to make sure every Bolton is a psychopath nutcase; the only decent ones get offed pretty quick. The house was led by Roose Bolton, who ruled the North after murdering his king at a wedding in a Bolton attempt to get the edge over his ancestors. Ramsay Bolton later killed Roose. House Bolton was later annihilated in the Battle of the Bastards by Jon Snow and men that fought with him against the Boltons.
House Frey - We Stand Together: The new ruling family of the Riverlands. Walder Frey is a treacherous cunt who has about ∞ daughters. Everybody in their realm hates them. They own an important river crossing in the Riverlands and anybody who wants to cross it has to pay them. House Frey is constantly pissed over how little people respect them for being literally nobodies and so constantly do shit that makes people respect them even less. They suffered from a bit of an Open Season wherein everybody in Westeros competes to kill the most Freys while they bitch and moan and their allies shrug and snicker at them. Arya Stark baked Walder Frey's sons into pies, fed it to him, killed him, stole his face, then impersonated him in order to fatally poison all the Freys.
House Clegane - [house words unknown:] A minor family in the Westerlands loyal to House Lannister. Gregor Clegane the Mountain, and his brother Sandor the Hound are the only two known members of the house. Both are huge men and renowned warriors, and they hate each other. Gregor is renowned for being a ruthless murderer, rapist, and idiot. He is killed by Oberyn Martell and then Frankensteined back to life by a mad scientist. Sandor is renowned for being the King's bodyguard, before deciding it was a shitty job (and rightfully so) and going rogue. He is killed by a lesbian warrior as tall as him. GoT fanboys jizz out of all their orifices at the prospect of a "Cleganebowl", or in other words a fight between Gregor and Sandor Clegane. There is absolutely no evidence to support this claim. The GoT fanboys seem to ignore these facts and are hyped as fuck for no reason.
The internet's general reaction towards all of Season 8
- Lord of The Rings
- Dungeons and Dragons
- White Knight
- TheMarySue - hilarious, one-sided drama
- Walking around carrying dragons the size of cats is fashionable
- Morgan Freeman is the Night King
- Too lazy to watch all the episodes? Screenshots got you covered!
- Shame! Shame! Shame!
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