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Gamers

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Your average gamer, over 17 and morbidly obese.
Gamers are bound to be fooled by professional critics bribed by large gaming corporations.

A Gamer is someone who plays tedious, Darwin amplifying, circus downfall and unnewsworthy digital games. When their peers talk about relationships gamers will wonder "What is a "relation ship"? and start looking for it in their fantasy world. Most gamers shop at GameStop (GAME if they're Britfags) despite the fact that they complain about their butthurt from getting ripped off from trading in their used games.

Contents

Population

Baffled by their pale unfit bodies, girls shun gamers. Those who don't are either worshipped as gods or constantly have to prove themselves "real".

Like Pokémon, once gamers have reached a certain level of competence or knowledge of video games they evolve into the next stage determined by their situation. There are casual gamers. This is a euphemism for people with ADHD who never bother playing through a game. Fanboys spends a very long time drooling over blockbuster games no one will care about in three years. They will also engage in Internet debates defending "their" console like a person who does not get laid arguieng over condoms (Then again, this analogy can describe 99% of all forum discussions). The next state of a gamer is to become a Video Game Critic, where said gamers have refused to leave their basement of dwelling, nor have they developed a decent enough skill for competition. So instead they post videos of themselves swearing at 20 year old games in a desperate attempt to be accepted by their other equally socially-retarded peers. Should the gamer be a reasonably good player they will amalgamate into whats known as a TourneyFag, a basement-dweller who has somehow managed to lose enough weight to leave their parents house and turn up at professional video game tournaments. They are commonly noticeable by their ill concealed lack of conversation skills and aspie-like BAWLing at anything they consider unbalanced or unfair in a video game, and won't stop bitching until they get their own way, or their parents pick them up to go home.

Adult

Pseudo Adult Gamer
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If you don't get this comic, you are a casualfag.


The AP reports that—OMG spoiler!!1!11!—most parents hate video games and fear that their video game playing children are losers. This fear is highly irrational as anyone who encounter them know them to be losers. As an exception to that shocking generalization, the AP article offers the story of Marvin Paup, who apparently has a sugar-momma more gullible than even poor, dead Gweet:


   
 
Those who game with their children are likelier to be younger, single and part-time workers than those who don't, the poll showed.

Among them is stay-at-home dad Marvin Paup, 33, of Golden Valley, Ariz., who says he plays 30 hours a week with his son and dozens more on his own.

Their current favorite is "Halo 3," a shooter game played online by thousands of players at a time. His state-of-the-art equipment includes an Xbox 360 console, surround-sound turned up "really, really loud" and a 65-inch wide-screen television, he said.

"That game has bonded me with him," he said of his 10-year-old son Allen. "It's like a whole new reality with me and him."
 


 
 

OMGWTFBBQ

However you may feel about using video games to distract kids from the bad touch, at least he's not asking how to juggle both feeding his child and his busy clan raid schedule.

At birth the adult gamer indulges in gay activities such as:

  • Going to conventions.
  • Reading comic books
  • Watching IGN
  • Whining
  • Picking Doritos out of their bellybuttons
  • Getting drunk off Mountain Dew

When the adult gamer hits the age of 18 he immediately goes into a college and state where a lot of fags reside ( New York, California, Canada) and tries to start his life over. Not before long He/She starts to get back into video games. When they do get to college, they are immediately faced with people hostile to their lifestyle. In order to cope, they will recede back into the safer world of video games.

According to a 2010 Centers For Disease Control (CDC) report, Adult gamers are at risk of dying alone. The CDC report also stated, then when combined with chronic fapping, gamers "deserve to die alone".

Across the World

In China, stealing one's cybersword will get you killed. The majority of world's gaming population resides in Korea. Koreans regularly neglect their children over games. This is one of the reasons that North Korea is still kicking their ass when it comes to obesity.

In America, you cannot like other games other than Halo and any other bland-as-fuck First Person Shooter, other wise you will be known as a weeaboo fag. You must also like listening to boring heavy metal, graphics that emulate all of reality and wearing things with chains and bats on them. This is due to the common fact amongst American gamers, they all want to join the military and become heroes, but there's no aliens and lazer guns, and despite how much shit they can spew from their whiny mouths, they are all in fact, gigantic limpdick scared babies. Furthermore, the Military does not accept obese mentally challenged people with alternative lifestyles. One Illinois couple was so into WoW that they decided to have a fifth-trimester abortion rather than walk to the front door where he had been dropped off in his carseat. While eight days worth of gold farming might be seen as great success and win among gamers, the two didn't get to enjoy it once they were carted off in the Party Van. Other gamers in their party were heard to complain about having to start the quest all over again.

Popular Games

For full coverage, see the gaming category.


BioShock: A fucking awful FPS series that involves a pedophilic main character named "Jack", crashing his plane into the Atlantic Ocean and locating an underwater city named "Rapture", which is full of weird shit.

Call of Duty: A shitty FPS series that caters to every known 13-year-old faggot alive. Also that one video game series that everybody claims to cause violence as soon as a school shooting happens.

Fallout: An incredibly over-hyped series that started off shit, and morphed into an even bigger shit following the development of Fallout 3.

Final Fantasy: The RPG series that has way too many fucking sequels.

Grand Theft Auto: You play as a badass muthafuckin' gangsta in a 3D open-world Ghetto. There's no limit to what you can do in this game: mass murder, car hijacking, druhgz, arson, burglary, possession of illegal firearms, and moar. Thanks to San Andreas' "Hot Coffee Mod", this game officially allows you to tackle dat pusi with your very own PS2/XBox 360 controller. Go crazy, virgins!

League of Legends: An online game which rewards the player with anthropomorphic animals for showing up as scheduled and not being a leaver. This proves what everyone suspected: Gamers are as trustworthy as a goblin masturbating in a D&D dungeon.

Minecraft: The Twitter of games. Everyone seem to be into it but no one can explain what it's good for.

Pac-Man: Play as a yellow circle and eat all the pellets, and don't get ræped by the Ghosts. Eat a Power Pellet and the Ghosts will turn blue, which means you get to ræp them for bonus points instead.

Pokémon: Every autist's wet dream. Spawning from the gaping asshole of Japan, "Pokémon" is a Godawful series that revolves around collecting wild, retarded creatures and training them to fuck each other in combat to gain Experience Points. For some reason, this series excelled in the video-game industry, despite the gameplay mostly consisting of mashing the A button to defeat your opponent. This series is played by anyone who has contemplated suicide at least once in their lives.

The Sims: A life simulator that boasts all dynamics of everything and anything that you will never have in your life. There's no defined goal, yet everybody seems to play it as their guilty-pleasure.

Sonic the Hedgehog: A severely retarded abomination of a platformer video game, and a main contributor to the furry fandom. One must ask themselves how such a simplistic video-game could spawn so much cancer in today's society. "Sonic the Hedgehog" is SEGA's equivalent to Mario, and involves a blue, drug-induced, batshit insane "hedgehog" named Sonic, and his shota-fuckbuddy, "Tails". Together, they travel the land to put a halt to Dr. Ivo Robotnik's (Eggman for newfags) diabolical scheme to turn all of nature's God's creatures into robot-controlling monsters. The twist to this game is that you get to travel at "SUPERSONIC SPEEEED!!!1one!", but that factor actually makes the quality of the game worse, especially in the later stages, because Sonic won't stand the fuck still when he's trying to navigate through tedious obstacle courses. In the later games (post-2000), everything is 3D and completely broken. If you have ever played a Sonic video game, we highly suggest that you kill yourself, the sooner the better.

Super Mario Bros.: This game tells the story of a fat Italian plumber, who collects Shrooms, jumps on Goombas and Turtles, rescues a cake-obsessed bitch from a giant rapist dinosaur, then fucks her hard. This game spawned hundreds of other sequels, spin-offs, and sub-series, most of them being the exact same thing every damn time.

Super Smash Bros.: A "fighting" game where players can choose from any of their favorite Nintendo characters and use them to battle against each other. Very popular with Tourneyfags, and usually causes a fuck-ton of nerd rage over how each game in the series should be played.

Team Fortress 2: Steam's most notorious video game, and that's not saying much. "TF2" is an online FPS that comprises nine character classes shared between two teams, "RED" and "BLU" respectively. The game is the sequel to a Quake mod that nobody could give a fuck about, and is playable on PC, Linux (as of 2013), Mac, and PlayStation 3. The game's "humor" is quite literally the only reason why this hunk of shit gained it's notoriety among the gaming community. Not to mention that anybody who has played in an online server for longer than an hour would become oblivious to TF2's basic, uncreative gameplay, shitty 3D "realistic" character models, and all-round lack of intelligence in the minds of those fuckwits who play it in their mom's basement all day every day. Some fanfags use TF2 character models in their GMod YouTube videos to boost their popularity.

Tetris: Eliminate the falling blocks by filling up the available space to form "rows" For every "row" you make, the blocks fall faster. If you suck at this game, the blocks will tower on top of each other until they reach the top of the scr- GAME OVER.

The Elder Scrolls: An RPG series notable for it's horrible AI, buggy graphics, and an awful physics engine.

The Legend of Zelda: This game tells the story of a wimpy little shotacon with huge ears and green clothing, named "Link", and his quest to save the land of Hyrule from the evil forces of Ganon. A typical Legend of Zelda game involves a really unnecessary storyline about some bullshit sages who can't protect their world for the life of them, and because their too lazy/retarded to put a stop to the villain's powers, they make up a prophecy that this little autistic forest boy who nobody loves is actually going to be their savior. And, holy shit, it turns out he can pwn Ganon/Vaati/Skull Kid/Chancellor Cole in less than a minute so long as these giant hideous fairy whores keep offering him their "magic" (Hell, in one CD-i game he literally threw a book at Ganon and he was instantly defeated). Legend of Zelda is one of the most overrated series ever, and if you look at any "Top 10 video games of all time" countdown, you're definitely going to see "Ocarina of Time" somewhere on the list, because every gamer in the world treats this series like it's their fucking religion because of how "fun" it is. PROTIP: Unless you have an unusual fixation on anime/anime-esque media, don't play any of these games. 90% All of them are completely shit.

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External Links


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Gamers is part of a series on

Gaming

Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.

Gamers is part of a series on Dying Alone

Poemo.jpg Those Who Have Died Alone

Aaron SwartzAdam LanzaAlexis ArquetteAmanda ToddAmy WinehouseAnal CuntAndy KaufmanAnna Nicole SmithBrian AdamsBrandon CrispCharmaine DragunChris BenoitChris Harper-MercerChynaCodey PorterDavid BowieDavid CarradineEazy-EEdaremElliot RodgerElvis PresleyGeorge SodiniGizgizHappyCabbieHeath LedgerJeff WeiseJewWarioJim MorrisonKitty0706Kurt CobainLemonade CoyoteLeelah AlcornLiloMegan MeierMichael JacksonMitchell HendersonMySpaceOtoya YamaguchiPekka-Eric AuvinenPrinceRehtaeh ParsonsRicardo LopezRipperRobin WilliamsRudolph ZurickShawn WoolleyShaySteve StephensTony48219TooDamnFilthyTyler DumstorfVester Flanagan

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Featured article November 15 & 16, 2014
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