Garden Thief

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Bastard wants your veggies

A Garden Thief or Garden Thieves are the worst kind of thief because they wait for the middle of the night to sneak into your vegetable garden to steal your cucumbers and melons and in the act of doing this they break the stalks of your tomato plants and smash them worthless underfoot.
Now I have been told that if it was my bike, my mail or my Tv then I'd be right in assuming it was a black man but since the melons were cantaloupes and not watermelon, nothing that can be deep-fried or served with chicken was stolen then it was most likely not a black man and I should ask myself if there are horny girls in my neighborhood that like a snack after schlicking, Jews or DING DING DING some piece of shit hipster, that paid way too much for his house and I have seen out in the middle of the night collecting cans from recycling bins to sell.

Jewish Law And Garden Thieves[edit]

Schnitzel says I should buy a gun. I'm a big fan of the .357
The problem with Girl Friends is they say if you have $900 to buy a gun you should get a Schnauzer instead.

According to Jewish Law, if the poor come to your fields, or garden, it is often seen as hospitality or a good thing to let them take from it. On the other hand, the poor are only expected to eat only enough until they are no longer hungry, not take anything with them when they leave or do any harm to the plants.
This rule exists because it is believed that because G-D has been generous to you by giving you plants that produced food then you must be generous as well when it comes to sharing that same food. Inhospitality is one of the words sins in the eyes of G-D in the Jewish Faith and some Christian faiths believe the same. G-D has burnt cities like Sodom and Gomorrah for the sin of inhospitality so you should never be gready with G-D's gift of bounty.
These laws say nothing about assholes who steal everything and break your plants. I assume this would fall under the Laws of Moses and if you catch the D-bag they'd have to replace what they stole plus the plants they broke. Despite the advice of some of ED's sysops on what I should do if I catch this thief, the problem with the law is they could literally sit there with a Syringe and shoot poison in every one of my tomatoes but if I lay a hand on them it's Assault.
I must admit The PondCat has a decent plan. Step 1: Move to Florida.

Hillbilly Justice[edit]

I think The PondCat is looking for some part time work because he suggested a Garden Ninja
I know that this is what the Pondcat meant but Ryu Hayabusa is cooler

Yippie Kay Yay Mother Fucker.
Guns, booze and wincest. Ooooh, we're talking really Old, Old, Old Testament and the ideas that made America the greatest Country that is the world.
I love the whole idea of hiding in a corn row with a double barrel shotgun and waiting for the D-Bags to show up that have been stealing from my secret Herb garden in the middle of my corn field and blowing off the back of their heads.
If there're any survivors left, and if they're male, I'll make them have sex with each other by arguing the point that I'm the guy with the gun and then haul them off to jail while I upload the video to youtube with the header that I caught these weirdos having a gay sex party in my fields or I can bury them alive, using them as fertilizer and dump their car over the side of a mountain. The best part, is if this ever goes to trial my grandpa is the judge, my dad is the county sheriff and my brothers and sisters will be the jury.
Now I know why Hillbillies are always so damn happy. Half of it's the nepotism and the other half is the genetic condition that cause water to push down on their brain.

Military Justice[edit]

Waiting for the day when the ED209 garden security system arrives

BakaRed pointed out this option when he asked me what my father would do who was a carreer officer in the US Army.
Most of what my Father would do is probably illegal unless a war has been declared and because land mines are now considered a human rights violation thanks to the English that plan is not really an option for me. Since I don't want to be Sued or see this site sued because I stupidly put to print military techniques for turning common, everyday items into traps and defense measures that some emo loser found after an internet search to happily collect cold bodies to keep under his bed and fuck or because he had to get back at that 13 year old girl who truthfully called him fat - I'm obviously leaving this section out.
Anybody who has half a brain knows that you can buy a book with all this same information at any Barnes and Noble because the first ammendment only exists when you're a giant chain store and can afford an army of Attorneys

In Conclusion[edit]

GirlOnInternet argues that if I want a protector that can't climb steps I should pick one that can fly and fire Lasers out its ass

There's really nothing you can do.
The police won't do a thing because they don't consider it worth giving up their valuable time of shaking down donut shops for free products to investigate someone who stole a handfull of vegetables and smashed a few plants. Prosecutors won't file charges because they think it's a waste of their time to prosecute someone for what they consider petty larceny unless it's a Grocery Store prosecuting a 5 year old for theft of a nickel's worth of candy because they have to look tough on crime.
I know it's going to sound cynical but the law couldn't give a fuck less about us.
We shouldn't let ourselves feel helpless when the law won't do what is expected of it. That's why I have to say that our own ED Cult leader Sidecar had the best idea when he said I should wait for a very hot day, when this person's car is parked in the sun pay some neighborhood kids five dollars each to egg the hell out of his car.
According to our resident sociopath Sidecare, if it's at least 90°F outside and the car has been boiling in the sun, those eggs will instanly fry their way right into his car's clear coat.

See Also[edit]

  • nigger He done did stole my bike basket full of cucumbers
  • Watermark EBaum done did stole my cucumbers but the watermark says they're his.
  • Nick Simmons He done did stole my comic art about Captain Cucumber
  • DeviantArt The thief done did run here and ate my cucumbers
  • Doopie DoOver He done did stole my cucumbers and used them as sex toys.
  • Chii-Chan24 He done did become Doopie who will would steal my cucumbers
  • Jews They done did stole your house that you hid the cucumbers that you done did stole from me but will sell it back to you at a 60% upcharge.
  • Loser this is who steals your cucumbers
  • Rape You done did steal her virginity with a cucumber
  • Slavery You done did stole yourself some employees to pick your cucumbers
  • Just Because This is usually a garden thief's excuse when they're caught stealing cucumbers
  • Sodomy You done did stuck a cucumber in her ass

Schlicking She done did use a cucumber as a dildo

Batman He done did say Poison Ivy said my cucumbers were alive.

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