Genital Herpes (technically herpes simplex, but more commonly known simply as "herpes") is a virus that effects humans and one of God's gift to teh lulz. It won't kill you, but once it infects you, it's like a tattoo: permanent, and worth having.
Although a permanent STD, according to advertisements for herpes medication Valtrex, herpes will cause you to live a more glamorous life: riding horseback through the ocean shores of California, white-water rafting in the Colorado River, riding a motorcycle through the chilly evening desert plains, and climbing the rugged terrain of the Appalachian Mountains.
1-in-4 Americans over age 12 have "teh herp". While not shocking at first, the number can be viewed as a staggering statistic if applied in the following manner: Imagine, if you will, going to see your local baseball team and the stadium is at near capacity. 10,000 of your fellow beer swilling, hot dog eating brethren are herpetic. Feel better now?
What to do if you have herpes
The proper treatment for genital herpes is with bacteriostatics (herpes simplex virus) and antivirals, such as acyclovir. Acyclovir should be taken orally in 200 mg doses five times per day (for a total of 1 g daily) for 10 days. Oh, what's that? Your stupid health care system doesn't provide you with prescription coverage? No problem: you can always practice the tried-and-true method of just not telling people that you have herpes because, hey, you're not contagious if you don't have active sores, right?
Celebs with "Da Herp"
- David Hasselhoff
- Fred Durst
- Paris Hilton
- Britney Spears
- Ron Mexico
- Jessica Alba
- Violet Blue
- Da Fonz
- Robin Williams (gave it to some slut back in the 80s)
- The Pope
It's not a herpes lesion
- A "cold sore"
- Just dry lips
- A gift that keeps on giving
- Pustulent squelae filled with purulent fluid and exudate
- An optical illusion
Herpes is so adorable. You can get it here.
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