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- Not to be confused with Gayfriend
A girlfriend is a theoretical entity, thus far not actually proved to exist, defined to be what a boyfriend goes into -- unless you're a fag, in which case it still goes into a boyfriend. Indeed, it sounds redundant; no wonder God hates fags. It has also been said that a girlfriend is actually a gaping black hole into which all money flows.
Girlfriends were first invented by the Germans during the 1920's for the practical uses of beating the harder levels of Space Invaders and beating things off (nothing in particular). In 1960, Democratically-elected President Martin Sheen re-tooled the girlfriend prototype to be used for scrubbing, cleaning, cooking and pestering, with his highly popular "Bugaboo Front" project, which was to be slowly implemented over a period of four years. One of the unfortunate side effects of this project was the rising prevalence of cyclical disturbances in most girlfriend models.
Also, some girlfriends will want to become "Wives", but people tend to avoid that, because it leads to them losing their head, so they can't give anymore.
Another reason many tend to avoid the sacred bond of marriage is based on the theory that women are demons who seek only two things: a slave and diamonds. Theory suggests that diamonds are the life force of these demons. Once marriage is in effect, the diamond is acquired, and we all know who the slave is, am i rite?
Even with their theoretical existence, the most common insult a kid, chink, AOL user, your dad will say to you (having insulted their savior is something along the lines of "LOL UR PROBABLY A NERD AND YOU'VE NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND". The irony of this statement is that all of the aforementioned groups are, 99% of the time, too young to even have enough smooth moves to have grabbed the genitals of the opposite sex.
Getting a Girlfriend
Since the inconceivably crippling disease called the "Internet" crawled out of a cesspool of blue-slushie shit people have been raping the series of tubes (more specifically Google) for relationship advice. Unfortunately, not even the almighty internet can save the most noble of fucktards from inevitable rejection. There is still hope! Encyclopedia Dramatica's relationship advice expert David Firth has agreed to share some tips with the community:
- If you have never met the girl you're standing in front of and you remove the genitals from the concealment of your pants and put them in plain sight of the girl...she WILL NOT be your girlfriend.
- If you say "Your legs must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all day." as a pick up line...she WILL NOT be your girlfriend.
- If she has a penis and you (a guy) want it in the ass...she WILL NOT be your girlfriend and you'll be a gay.
- If you tell a girl "If there are balls on my chin, then you can safely bet my mouth is full."...she WILL NOT be your girlfriend. Maybe your girlfriend in the gay sense like you go shopping with her and shit.
- If you rape a girl...it will ALWAYS be justified!
- If you have a shit load of e-points then you will NEVER have a girlfriend!!!! We can not emphasize NEVER enough!
- If you're with a friend of the same sex, and you two go to Blockbuster to rent some movies because he has a giftcard for $25.00, your friend decided to drive and he has a '66 Mustang, and when you get there you pick out Sicko, Shoot 'Em Up, Across the Universe, Some-Faggy-Film, and grab a couple of drinks, and he takes a sip out of his and then realizes that he can't find his gift card so he asks the black employee if he can hold onto his stuff while he runs home to find the card, and the black guy agrees and you get in the Mustang and drive back to your friends house which is less than two minutes away, and then when you get there your friend discovers he made a mistake only to find the damn card in his wallet after all, and then you drive back to Blockbuster and while your friend is paying you're saying quotes from Seinfeld, and the girl behind the counter named "Jocelyn" says, "Are you quoting Seinfeld?" and you say, "Yeah." all cool-like and she's completely digging your style, then your friend says something about his car and the girl looks out the window to see the car and say something along the lines of "That Mustang is yours!? My dad had a Mustang like that blah blah blah" and then you say something, interrupting their conversation, such as "Well, my friend here loves it when girls call him 'Daddy'" completely killing all chances of him getting her as a girlfriend and your chances as well causing you both to go back to his place and him repeatedly calling you "retarded" and "so fucking stupid" until you admit that you're a dumbass but still knowing that you'll never be redeemed, go home and sleep on it and type up a section on Encyclopedia Dramatica about your experience...she WILL NOT be your girlfriend! TL;DR: Girls, movies, and cars don't mix.
- If you type a run-on sentence that is 15+ lines (9 on a widescreen)...she WILL NOT be your girlfriend!
- If you say, "Yeah, well...it wasn't a run-on sentence, it was enjambment." then you're retarded like your friend said. OH! and...she WILL NOT be your girlfriend.
- If you listen to Mindless Self Indulgence and think that they're "the fucking greatest band ever!"...she WILL be your girlfriend, providing she's a fat goth with pink hair and rubber jewellery. Mindless Self Indulgence are
- If you listen to Nine Inch Nails and think that they're "the fucking greatest band ever!"...she WILL be your girlfriend, providing she's a fat goth with pink hair and rubber jewellery. Nine Inch Nails is
- If you joined a High School Marching Band just to be around the girl that you talked to over the summer...she WILL NOT be your girlfriend...he might though.
- If you know a girl who you can smack around and get to make you a sandwich, and she still comes around...she IS your girlfriend. And you are a REDNECK.
- If you're with a girl who says that "she trusts you" then...she WILL NOT be your girlfriend. See Friend Zone
- If you're a prime example of Downs-Syndrome, have Rosacea, and go by the name of Mickey Kelly and placed in a crowd of over 9,000 women ranging from hideously ugly to just ugly and desperate...all of them WILL NOT be your girlfriend.
- If the bitch has no choice...she WILL be your girlfriend.
- If you were the last guy on Earth and she was the last girl on Earth and you asked her what she wanted for dinner that night she would kindly request a bullet. Making her NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
- If you fap to furry porn...she WILL SO NOT be your girlfriend.
- If you're a guy...she WILL NOT be your girlfriend.
- If you're Canadian...you piss me off.
- If you're a rapist...she WILL be your girlfriend...at least for the time you're raping her.
- If they don't invite you in for "coffee" after the 20th date...she WILL NOT be your girlfriend.
- If she gave birth to you...she hopefully WILL NOT be your girlfriend because she, in fact, is your mom...
making her MY girlfriend...HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS, your mom jokes are the equivalent of a painfully large neon billboard proclaiming your virginity superiorityfaggotry.
- If you go on Encyclopedia Dramatica...she WILL NOT be your girlfriend.
- If you have a stable, high-paying job, a good education, a Nobel Prize, good teeth, immaculate hygiene, know how to cook, know how to clean, and respect women...no girl WILL EVER EVER EVER be your girlfriend.
- If you have a record of beating women, growing unclassifiable fungus on your "sac de nuts", dumb as Jessica Fucking Simpson, unemployed, an arrest warrant, a sign outside your house calling you a child molester, and don't do anything but drink beer and watch football!!1!...she WILL probably obsess over you in the most unnatural of ways and dream of being your girlfriend.
- If you sit at home all day and say "ASL" all over random IRC channels hoping to find someone around the same area and age as you and even more so thinking they'll be interested...she WILL NOT be your girlfriend.
- If a girl sits there and is telling you a god awful story about how she's going to have a picnic with some guy she has no chance with that upcoming weekend and another girl who is interested in you comes and sits down at your table...then fuck that lame boring bitch because she WILL NOT be your girlfriend and is also a delusional lunatic.
- If you're miserable and hate your life...you WILL NOT get a girlfriend.
- If you enjoy life or even love it...you WILL NOT get a girlfriend.
- You either hate, like, or love life and because people DO have girlfriends, the past two have to be false or you're living in a ZOMG!? PARADOX!!! She also WILL NOT be your girlfriend.
- If you meet a thirteen-year-old girl online and she wants to meet you at her house one day when her parents aren't home and you go only to arrive when she says that she wants to go upstairs really quick but when she does Chris Hansen walks out of the other room...she probably WILL NOT be your girlfriend and you're, for lack of a better word, fucked, and why don't you have a seat over there
- If you have no mudkipz, Hitler WILL NOT be your girlfriend.
- If you are her friend and bring here flowers and a bear for valentines and she constantly flirts with you along with everyone else but as friends and you feel you have a connection and wait a long time before you grow a pair of balls, then she WILL NOT be your girlfriend which makes you a fucking idiot for believing you had something going on.
- If you meet a girl and rush a relationship, then she WILL NOT be your girlfriend.
- If you meet a girl and take your sweet time, then she WILL NOT be your girlfriend. Bitches are fickle.
- If you have a small cock, then she WILL NOT be your girlfriend. No women will, you'll die alone or become a an hero in which case, all an heroes die alone.
- If she has a low self esteem, then she WILL BE your girlfriend.
- If you have no respect for the cunt, then she WILL NOT be your girlfriend.
- If you take any advice for picking up girls that anyone on 4chan gives you, she WILL NOT be your girlfriend. Not only will she not be your girlfriend, but you WILL NOT be allowed to be within 200 yards from her in accordance to the restraining order she has on you.
- If you are a man-child that holds up signs saying your looking for a boyfriend-free girl, then she or any other women in her right or wrong mind WILL NOT be your sweetheart from the ground up.
- If you have a big cock, surprisingly, she WILL NOT be your girlfriend.
- If you start to like her but you don't tell her and she finds out from someone who you told, she WILL NOT be your girlfriend. Also see Friend Zone.
- If you're honest, kindhearted, self-sacrificing and care enough about her to inquire to her safety when she's out at 2am in a shit hole area of town then she WILL NOT be your girlfriend for much longer. Although the dumb bitch will probably end up looking like a pig on heat and getting raped by a pack of niggers and left in a ditch because she likes getting drunk in the ghetto and when this happens you WILL NOT be her Boy Friend which makes it 100% okay to laugh about her bastard-child-born-from-a-violent black person
Secrets to a happy relationship
- It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
- It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
- It is important to find a woman that likes to fuck all the time ... and MOST important...
- It is important that these three women never meet.
Sometimes, more often than not, a girl will usually break and go fucking apeshit. During times of crisis, a blunt object to the CPU of the girlbot should stop them. However, a man by the name of OJ Simpson published a book called, "To Kill a Mocking Cunt" later to be renamed "If I Did It" which went on how he would have stopped an eradicated girlbot who happened to be extremely dangerous and the trauma of his run-ins with the bitch. This book stated that the best way to end the inevitable destruction caused by a woman (this crisis being called "PMS") was by removing the head most of the way off the body with an axe. Women are bio-degradable and non-functioning ones can be placed in dumpsters with the rest of the daily trash or into the ocean as, famous scientist, Dr. Scott Peterson proved. Most girls will pick a fight with you at the closest opportunity. Fights will generally be based around the fact that: you drink too much, your dick is too small, and she wants you to be more tolerant of the fact that shes fucking every guy around town except you. The best way to deal with this problem is to dump the bitch, and find a new piece of tail that is happy with your embarrassingly small cock and fragile ego.
Transition from Girlfriend to Wife
Recently, drunk German scientists with nothing better to do found out the reasons why a girlfriend will do things a wife won't. You see "The one ring" is actually a transdimensional vortex, that when slipped onto the ring, switches said girl with her alternate reality version, called "Wife". Due to it being an alternate reality, the chick will not do certain things, like have Secks, not steal half of your stuff, etc. It also has been noted that the transdimensional vortex can be shattered, switching the places again by invoking the ancient Jewish/Satanic ritual, called Divorce, which is nothing more than some Exorcist shit that allows the bitch to get half of all your stuff.
Women Also Have Girlfriends
Women have girlfriends for business and pleasure which proves that indeed all girls are in fact lesbians -- not that there's anything wrong with that. Women tend to go to the bar with one or more girlfriends like a pack of wolves, only more vicious and also take trips to the bathroom together to perform rituals that may or may not involve carpet-munching, rug munching or scissoring where appropriate. Furthermore, according to some anonymous scientists, it has been proven that women are innately bisexual and that they can in fact, swing both ways.
Here is an excerpt from a very sciency anon:
"Women in western culture are given so much leeway in their gender role. Women can cross-dress, call their female friends girlfriends without having to eat pussy, hug, kiss each other, give each other backrubs, etc. Their attitudes and occupations are more versatile, too. It is acceptable for women to engage in traditionally male roles while the reverse is mostly socially unacceptable. It is acceptable for women to be homoerotic. Just look at the media and you will see women kiss and grope each other. This results in more and more lesbian invisibility. So far, femininity is reserved only for females whereas masculinity is universal. What's good for the gander is good for the goose but not the other way around. Female homoeroticism is accepted but the male counterpart is not. Aside from this double standard, it shows that the nature of women is one of homosexual/bisexual tendencies especially in a post-feminist culture.
Girls are latent homosexuals."
So unfortunately, outside the internets, women get more action than you and could even profit off our fapping by being homosexual and stuff. If for some reason should the friendship between women dissolve, women become very catty, their vaginas mysteriously get filled with sand upon sight of one or more of their ex girlfriends and there is an urge for one to kill the other(s) with fire. If you should ever witness such an event, relax, and remember that they're just girls and you might even see sum boobies.
Videos on how to get a Girlfriend
- Your girlfriend - Infinite Infinite Infinite Infinite Infinite very shock site
- An example of why girlfriends are so sought after
Girlfriend is part of a series on
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