Goku Vs Superman
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Since the beginning of the internets, man has wondered who would win in an epic battle: Goku or Superman? Much debate has been had on the internets (hell, even 4chan has argued on the subject) as to who is truly the greater superhero.
Much more likely, however, is an unbelievably gay crossover hosted by DC and Shūeisha, consisting of Goku pulled into Metropolis to help Superman defeat Lex Luthor, who will have stolen the Dragon Balls to wish himself super powers so that he can take control of the entire multi-universe. Five pages will be devoted to the fan service duel which will, naturally, end in a draw.
Google "Superman vs. He-Man" for historical context.
The battle is Serious Business. If you think we are retarded for believing in it you should go be an hero. One day it will happen and when it does, we'll all be fucked. This'll be even worse than two Falcon Punches colliding. Honestly, you should kill yourself right now before this happens.
This is so fucking serious, we will gladly unload several more tired in-jokes we'll pretend are genuine "memes" at you, just to impress upon you the dire nature of this completely imaginary struggle between insanely over-powered fictional superhumans that are at the same time cornerstones for massive industries and also impossibly, impossibly lame.
Seriously, this is right up there with Batman vs. Superman, Imperial Star Destroyer vs. Enterprise, and Sony vs. Nintendo, in terms of ludicrous shit nerds take so seriously all you can do is stand there and stare, despairing for the continuance of our species. Besides, there's no fucking contest. Everybody knows that the Star Destroyer would tear the ass out of the Enterprise before they ran low on forward deflector shields.
Before getting involved in this particular idiot debate, it is first important to understand the capacities of the combatants:
- Despite being an alien (his real name is like Cockrot or some shit), is one hundred percent Japanese.
- Can go Super Saiyan 4, which is three more than Super Saiyan 1. Only faggots bother with prime-numbered Super Saiyan transformations.
- Saved the world at least 5 times, each time from horrible god-monsters who were mainly there to pick a fight with him.
- Fucked Chi Chi at least once, meaning at least once, Chi Chi's mouth was too full of dick for her to shriek her usual obnoxious, grating blather. The woman they got to dub her voice in English is like iron nails down the chalkboard of your soul if you're some wapanese faggot.
- Is the guy with a power level that was OVERRR NINNNNEEE THOUSAAAAANNNNDDD???, thus forcing the internet to put up with kids who are considerably younger than the series repeating this exclamation fucking endlessly.
- Is a major player in the hentai industry. Seriously, Goku shows up in more Rule 34 images than any other anime character. Stumpy little fucker has stuck it in everything.
- Blow up planets with an energy blast, and then spend the rest of the season doing literally nothing but eat and fuck around like a spastic in a space shuttle. No, really.
- Extremely popular and yet has never been in a single video game worth a fucking damn.
- Incapable of throwing a single punch without first spending at least ninety minutes going HHHOOOHHHHHH in extreme close-up shots.
- Trained by a series of comedy perverts living in a variety of bizarre environments.
- Initially based on Chinese folktale anti-hero Sun Wu-K'ung, the Monkey King, an arrogant and self-serving trickster demigod who stole magic, immortality and a magic staff from a series of increasingly powerful men; picked a fight with a literal army of gods and beat the shit out of all of them; pissed right in the middle of the Buddha's palm and had a fucking mountain dropped on him in punishment. On the whole, way fucking better than Dragon Ball Z.
- Has made creator Akira Toriyama enough money to buy and sell you and your entire family a million times over.
- Died and was brought back to life through alarmingly retarded Deus Ex Machina magic plot devices, died again and his dipshit offspring took over for him and destroyed the franchise.
- Surrounded by mostly useless people who do very little besides bog him down.
- Immediately recognizable and infinitely lame.
- Died when an alien blew up.
- Despite being an alien (his real name is like Fag-el or some shit), he is one hundred percent American. Just like Jesus.
- Can move at the speed of light, but lets the Flash hang around because he's too nice a guy to tell the useless fuckwit to go screw himself.
- Can fire lazers outta his eyes, fly, and suck a bowling ball through six hundred miles of garden hose.
- Fucked Lois Lane, despite basic physics stating more-or-less blatantly that such an action would completely obliterate the woman. Seriously, he'd literally tear her in half on his first thrust, to say nothing of ejaculate akin to artillery fire.
- Wears his underwear on the outside and nobody's ever had the balls to tell him how gay it looks.
- Can apparently hold a black hole in his hand. Fuck it, it's DC Comics. They restart the entire universe every few years.
- Has saved the world pretty much at least once a month for the past sixty years.
- Extremely popular, and yet has starred in one of the worst video games ever made.
- Can turn back time by flying around the world counter-rotation until it turns backwards, thus causing every scientist in the world to simultaneously choke to death on their own enraged bile.
- Strong enough to push the Earth out of orbit, yet has not done so because Earth is where he keeps all his stuff (including a mansion made of fucking ice and a room full of wax dummies of all his friends).
- Creators Siegel and Schuster hilariously fucked out of ownership and royalties by DC Comics. Same as with Bob Kane and his creation, Batman, neither them nor their families have seen a fucking dime from the billions Superman has raked in.
- Died and the franchise was nearly destroyed by four dipshit replacements until he was returned to life through an alarmingly retarded deus ex machina magic plot device.
- Surrounded by mostly useless people who do very little besides bog him down (including dog, female, horse, and younger boy versions of himself. Also Beppo the Super Monkey. Yes, really.
- Immediately recognizable and infinitely lame.
- Survived when a fucking galaxy exploded.
But it doesn't really matter. Someone will eventually threadjack with a Shoop Da Whoop or some other played-out meme and end the mess in instant fail. This is often used as a final solution in a Goku vs. Superman flame war, seeing as how nothing but a wild non-sequitor can possibly stop a pack of feral ADD-addled fanboys from arguing about this meaningless shit for fucking months on end, we shit you not.
Much like the endless and endlessly tiresome ninja versus pirates moderately-funny-once-for-thirty-seconds-joke-that-will-not-ever-die, Superman vs. Goku is a fanboy versus fanboy debate, an argument that will rage until the combatants get bored and go back to fapping over lolicon porn.
As such, it is a potential lulzmine with even the most basic trolling, as fanboys are left wholly incapable of rational thought when the object of their creepily obsessive affection is on the line. Suggesting that, for example, anime X is pretentious, retarded or practically unwatchable will earn you a face full of death threats. Fanboys will gladly trample their own mothers to be the first to call you a faggot for disliking their favorite imaginary character or believing that a different one might be in any way superior.
It's barely sporting, but still a pretty fun way to kill an afternoon.
HEY GUYS, WHO WOULD WIN: GOKU OR SUPERMAN?
Goku fanboy: Goku obviously Goku fanboy: Goku, end of discussion. Superman fanboy: Didn't superman servive a planet exploding with him there? goku ran like a pussy bitch scared shitless when it was his turn! Superman fanboy: and how many times has superman died compared to goku??? oh wait thats right Goku fanboy: Goku can fight while he's dad fgt. You just owned yourself. Goku fanboy: instant transmission to kryptonite supply. goku wins Superman fanboy: zombie superman Superman fanboy: yeah by getting wished back you faggot . . . and he still dies you homo so i didn't own myself Goku fanboy: He does fucking fight WHILE HE'S DEAD retard. In the buu series he was allowed to come back to earth for a day WHILE HE WAS STILL DEAD, hence why he still had A FUCKING HALO. Dipshit, research your shit before you start talking shit. Goku fanboy: Supes can't fly at the speed of light, and goku can fly faster than the speed of light and also has instant transmission. Instant transmission to a galaxy with no yellow sun and push supes' face in. Goku wins. Goku fanboy: Retard, frieza and buu could breathe in space but Goku still kicked their ass. Superman fanboy: oh my god are you retarded??? HE STILL FUCKING DIES!!!! which means he is not all powerful. if he was he wouldn't die i mean jeezus the man blows himself up to TRY and kill shit and does not a god damn thing what a homo Goku fanboy: It wouldn't matter cause Supes couldn't kill him, so the point is moot. Goku fanboy: He died because HE SACRIFICED HIMSELF artard, and still maintains ALL his power in the afterlife. Fuck you bitch tit cock cunt. Superman fanboy: uh no shit but you think if he summons all the power in his body and the earth and still can't kill something doesn't that tell you something? Superman fanboy: Supes can't fly faster than the speed of light? Couldn't stop a bullet as a kid? Superman holds black holes in his fucking hands, faggots. Superman punches bitches across galaxys. One time, Superman SNEEZED a fucking galaxy into pieces. Are you even registering this shit? Superman pulls planets across the universe with strength alone. Red sun? Kryptonite? OLD FUCKING NEWS, FAGGOTS. Superman smashes dicks made out of that shit. Superman presses 200 QUINTILLION TONS with one fucking arm behind his back. Can you handle this shit? Superman wtfbitches Goku. Shit stomps him. Goku fanboy: FUCKING IDIOT. The guy he was fighting when he died was about to BLOW THE FUCK UP as in IF GOKU TRIED DESTROYING HIM THAT WOULD FUCKING END THE EARTH MEANING YOU'D BE DEAD AND UNABLE TIO FAP TO YOUR SHOTA PORN BITCH. Goku fanboy: Goku could literally take the energy from the black hole and use it to fuck supes up. He can take the energy from the entire universe and absorb it. Superman included. You can't beat that Superman fanboy: THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS. YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER, SUPERMAN HAS FUCKING SAVED THE WORLD MOAR TIME THEN GOKU HAS HAD SEX. YOU CAN'T FUCKING BASE YOUR SHIT ON PEOPLE DYING, UNLESS YOUR SHIT MEANS HE'S A FUCKING RETARD WHO SUCKS AT FIGHTING. SUPERMAN WILL FUCKING END GOKU BITCH. Superman fanboy: oh my god you honestly know nothing do you??? HE USED A FUCKING SPIRIT BOMB. . . . ie: USED ALL EARTH'S POWER AND DIED!!!!! HE FUCKING DIED! EARTH WASN'T DESTROYED AND NEITHER WAS THE PERSON... Goku fanboy: FUCKING IDIOT. HE ONLY USED SPIRIT BOMB WITH VEGETA, FREEZA AND BUU. I WAS TALKING ABOUT CELL YOU DUMB SHITWIPE. HE DIDN'T USE A FUCKING SPIRIT BOMB AGAINST CELL DID HE FAGGOT??!?!?!?!
This goes on until the thread 404s.
Notice the distinct progression of events: First, sides are chosen and the argument escalates to ad hominem almost immediately. When that fails to score a win, completely fucking made-up powers are ascribed to the individual combatants and used as evidence of superiority. Observe: at no time does either side recognize that they are not in fact discussing real people. By the end, nearly all text is caps and they're more or less screaming gibberish at each other, and will continue to do so until the thread capsizes or one of them passes out.
Take out the names and it's two little kids screaming "MY DAD CAN BEAT UP YOUR DAD!" at each other until one of them starts crying.
This faggotry has plagued mankind longer than herpes and is exhibit fucking A in the case against our species.
Death Battle is essentially Video Game online show series hosting site Screw Attack's greatest scam and profiteering engine, which is fueled by the tears, sensationalist dickpulling, and 100% Grade A pure nerd virgin testosterone of hormone challenged nerds out in the US and anywhere where they speak english. Pitting two fictional characters from other series, and only ending in death of one combatant with quality story telling this side of any shitty "internet reviewing" show hosted by Doug Walker and anyone from That Guy With The Glasses, you have yourself one of the greatest things made for frustrated insecure teenage boys since being introduced to the word "fuck" and Call of Duty.
And in all inevitability, all of dickless fedora gamerdumb have come to this topic to put this extremely stupid issue to rest..... it seems. Due to Screw Attack being a site having broken down since Handsome Tom and Stuttering Craig's petty inane bullshit break up over monies, it has their quality shine to it!
Superman VS Goku.... Where do we begin. Death Battle is enough of a clusterfuck of pedantic dicksucking and with Gamers at the helm, we'll be fair in that gamers prove this fact right- Give them more obviously exposed evidence pertaining to one side of an argument, they will up and rally over to one side faster than shit is to flies. Bonus points to anything regarding Atheism and Richard Dawkins; the two go as well as feces and urine in a toilet or neckbeards and trilbies. This is due to circumstantial evidence that gamers suck the dick of anyone who will look like they will obviously win; the mating rituals of the Gamer demand science and looking smart in attempts to put out with any slut that will come their way, over any social skills and such that they lack in their delusional, closed, bitter world.
This usually leads to Death Battle breaking down stats, examining weapons and skills, matching the veins of Fanboy's Deadliest Warrior. Just like Deadliest Warrior, Screw Attack just pulls things out of their ass 90% of the time and the 10% of it goes to actual research- What, you expected something expert and well made? Even the local yearly Renaissance fair has more entertainment AND educational value pairing up Samurai VS Knight light sparring battles exploring reasonable and fleshed out flexible possibility than this rejected History Network program that got aborted into the sewers of Crackhead L.A. before the first trimester. 100% of the time, Death Battle plays out like the worst weeaboo designed RPG where stats are everything- And it shows.
Hell, in business perspective? Superman VS Goku is the kind of matchup in this monkey territory shitflinging ragefest that would get the ratings going sky high with enough audience exposure, not e-popularity, meaning "nerd demographic exclusive familiarity". By the time this was released, it was only the 25th episode of their FIRST FUCKING SEASON. Donald Trump would have not just announced their termination of employment, but be rev'd with a flamethrower and enough hyped Spartans to kick these dumbfucks out of the top of Trump Tower if they ever worked for him. Obviously, they did not profit.
The result? Well, obviously Superman wins. Western Gamerdom obviously needed their form of Viagra sometime soon. What, doing more research? You kinda expect too much out of dumbasses that make money off of playing video games and related trivia on a capitalist workweek agenda than an enjoyable hobby with flexible but determined devotion. Well, that AND the fact that Superman is popular with White Supremacists- They are based in Texas you know.
But on the other hand, mighty torrent of nerd rage and fanboy butthurt exploded in the comments with DBZ fanboys crying big crocodile tears that their favorite fictional character didnt beat the other fictional character. The butthurt was so great, and so intense people started boycotting Screwattack. They even made a facebook page dedicated to hating screwattack. Superman fanboys swooped in and proceeded to taste delicious tears. HAW HAW HAW
Best off? This was done in a two parter. That's right. One time to beat Goku down senseless, and another to fuck him up the ass. Superman fans then gathered at Screw Attack's next convention and had the biggest gay orgy ever (anyone that liked anime was forcibly held down and raped).
What most reaction vids look like: (Turn your audio WAAAYYY the fuck up)
Gallery of Utter Fail
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