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Goths (Gawths, Goffs, Gawff) are a self-aggrandizing bunch of attention whores, whose special talent is enjoying attention while pretending to disdain it. They especially revel in posturing to incite insult, so that they can say something deep and angsty. The elitist kick they get from this is visible under their pasty pale skin. If under some circumstance the color of something other than skin is in question, assume it's black.
Evolutionary social scientists postulate that the Goth represents an early nocturnal bifurcation from the Greb or Greebo lineage, due to its similar preponderance of black clothing, leather, and spikes. However, this pussying-out from the well-established and resilient parent lifeform left Goths unfitted to the niche of moping around miserably in black, which has now been filled by the Emo subspecies. It seems inevitable, therefore, that Goths will become extinct within decades unless new breeding colonies are established.
A Brief History of Goth
The Goths were Germanic tribes who harried the Romans in the 3rd and 4th centuries but later Christianity kicked in and they wussed out. In the 5th and 6th centuries, they split up into the Visigoths and the Ostrogoths, then pwnt Iberia and Italy, because they wanted to try a little dark meat. That's how "Goth" became a term to describe something that was gaudy and barbaric. During the Middle Ages, gaudy barbaric cathedrals built by the French were called "Gothic" and by proxy, "GAY" was added to the meaning of "Goth". The Gothic style emphasized high, open ceilings with large windows set between pillars, creating a bright atmosphere of optimism and reverence during masses, even when the plague was running amok. Compare this with what you have observed of Gothtards in your community.
The first recorded new use of "goths" was from a 1978 magazine article, in which Joy Division's producer commented on the gaudy and barbaric nature of fans, calling them a "horde of goths". Like "Nigger" to blacks and "Master" to whites, some fringe punks shed the embraced their new identity by painting over and redecorating "Gothic" into something that doesn't involve work: reading Romantic and Colonial-era literature, Victorian era clothing, Hair Metal era.. hair, later, sheltering a mindfuck of wildly different music genres that clash with each other as badly as pickles and milk on an empty stomach.
The current batch of "babybats" are a diverse and interesting group, taken as a whole; but taken in small groups they are a clique of narcissistic cock humpers, much like their 1970s fore-bearers.
Sane individuals regard goths as being a homogeneous group. This is an entirely accurate appraisal, but in the interests of Unwarranted Self Importance most goths try to makes themselves unique by joining a smaller, more stringent section of the already hyper-conformist non-conformists. Remember, there are no differences beyond the superficial.
- The Alpha Goth: Within each town or city there is one of these for each prevalent genre. They are attention whores and rule the others with their relative desirability.
- Babybat/Kindergoth: A very young goth, or an initiate. They are not yet permitted to speak in group settings with older goths, and could get banned from the clique for a week if they so much as go to the bathroom without checking in first. Often confused with mallgoths.
- Betty Page Goths: They love 1940s pin-up girls. Don't get your hopes up; unlike like Rosie the Riveter, they are not strong, red-blooded American Amazons that make sandwiches and assemble Sherman tanks. Some of the stick-thin to pleasantly-plump ones are pretty fap-worthy, but fail at stimulating retro-porn fetishists.
- Black Metal Goth: Takes mediocre bands way too seriously. Looks like a regular metalhead with black-light highlights. See Deathrocker.
- Club Goth: Goths that twingle at dark industrial/electronic style music festivals/concerts. Many wear white or pastel loli outfits -not ironically- a pair of fuzzy balls on springs on top of their heads and suck pacifiers. When pacifiers are in quantity, the possibility of a furry appearance increases dramatically, leading some to suspect that there is non-cartoon gothic babyfur porn in existence even as this article is posted.(RULE 34 *)
- Criminal Goth: Most of these Goth are from Inner-Cities and fight (or at rare occasions work alongside) the Wiggers, Skaters and Chavs wreak havoc and attack innocent civilians in the streets, most Criminal Goth hate anything and everything and are a close relative of a "Punk".
- Cyber Goth: Otaku goth with glow in the dark hair and a Gothic.Net user account.
- Gothapotamus: The gothapotamus is a large, bloated land mammal that causes secondhand embarrassment wherever it goes. At least one can normally be sighted anywhere goths congregate, though they may also be sighted in fast food restaurants. Distinguishing features include rolls of pasty-white flesh fighting against the confines of woefully inadequate corsets, fishnet shirts under which flabby, hairy manboobs are horribly apparent and white makeup that looks deeply unflattering on them and only serves to highlight their massive, round moon faces and double chins. Female gothapotami are the most commonly sighted, although males also exist as the goth scene is a haven for fat people trying to make themselves look interesting and failing. Male gothapotami are much more common in the steampunk scene, however, where they are easily spotted by their disgusting, unkempt facial hair.
- Hot Goth: Is sexually mature and will not fuck you, unless you surprise her. They're much easier to surprise when they're whacked out on E, and with all that jailbait running around who'd miss a couple twenty-somethings? PROTIP: Goths are immune to missing white woman syndrome, because white people are collectively embarrassed by them. The media has caught on and the Jew community has shown rare pity by not holding them up to ridicule on the nightly news.
- Hot Topic Goth: Has enough money to shop at the mall, despite the fact that Hot Topic and other mall stores are about as mainstream as one can get. - See Mallgoths.
- Mallgoth: These are the ones that don't know a damn thing about goth culture, but tend to go for shock value/look retarded. They are recognized for wearing black eyeshadow to their eyebrows, and black lipstick with little lines at the end. They listen to the shit music, Marilyn Manson and slipcock. To pwn one of them, tell them they're a poser. They will most likely say, "You don't know me in real life im not a poser," or "At least im not a prep like you!" - See Wannabe Goth.
- Metal Goth: Normal people cannot distinguish these from Metalheads and so they are rumored to be extinct.
- Nu-Goth: A mixture of gothic and hipster fashion aesthetics. Most nu-goths haven't even heard of any gothic music acts, meaning they're not really goths - as goth is a music based subculture.
- Otaku Goth: An unholy combination that the Goth Illuminati invented to give young recruits an isolationist mentality. Prevents them from wanting to expand their circle of friends, so they can't be converted to babyfur when they turn 20.
- Pastel Goth: An excuse for teens to wear "edgy" clothing, and super-bright colors while latching onto more established subcultures. Probably comes from tumblr.
- Raver Goth: A club goth with large, baggy pants and sometimes suspenders. Some of these wear Cat in the Hat-style hats, to honor their funny hat-wearing French heritage. - See Cybergoth.
- S&M Goth: Attempts to fit into another subculture that is more acceptable to mainstream society. The only visual difference is their pallor.
- Trad Goth: They read Voltaire and Poe, and listen to Siouxsie and the Banshees. They (and your mom) are the only known users of Aqua Net, worshiping Nick Cave as a god, and quoting Alistair Crowley make these guys the coolest goths.
- Trench Coat Goths: They wear trench coats and listen to metal. Fingerless gloves optional. Due to a certain high-tempered episode of free mass organ ventilation, goths try to distance themselves from them.
- Wannabe Goth: Basically just faggots who act all depressed and cover one side of their face with their long hair, probably not even Goth... just some type of Emo, whom Goth hate passionately. Kurt Cobain wannabes. See Mallgoth.
One of the main focuses of goth "culture" is on the shitty music that inspired this "alternative lifestyle". Traditional gothic rock bands include:
- The Cure
- Siouxsie and the Banshees
- The Sisters of Mercy (their leader Andrew Eldritch will cry 'till the sun comes up that he's "not a goth," though)
- The Mission UK - (the band Wayne Hussey started after leaving Sisters of Mercy)
- Skeletal Family
Newer (post-80s) general "gothic bands" include:
Not necessarily gothic rock, but often mixed with gothrock music:
- Darkwave music (examples: Clan of Xymox, Dead Can Dance, The Crüxshadows)
- Deathrock music (examples: Alien Sex Fiend, Christian Death, 45 Grave)
- Horror Punk music (examples: Misfits, Blitzkid, Wednesday 13)
Since goths are both seclusive, anti-social, and sectarian, there's really no pinning this down. They can't even get along with normal people well enough to avoid cutting, poetry or drugs. Getting them together long enough to agree on anything is like trying to resolve the CoS with common sense. Gothic fashion will tend towards a combination of two principles over time:
- Colors that no one else wears exclusively, so that they can have an identity
- Impractical designs
While they don't agree, they'll follow those principles. Fair skin is manpoints to goths, irrespective of genre or gender. In order to mitigate the potential social rejection they so long for, goths create uppity stock phrases to explain their aversion of sunlight. Goths like to tell non-goths that they have no style, and if style means AIDS then this is true.
With the notable exception of gothapotami (who'll eat fucking anything), goths are mustards subsisting solely on their own feelings of social ostracism. To feed, a goth must try to solicit fear, contempt, or ridicule from mundanes. This causes an avalanche on thin goths, who are all the more bizarre because they could have a reasonable real life.
Some cybergoths harbor extra feelings of elitism due to pronounced musculature from their supplementary meth and strenuous dancing.
They're also quite partial to Irn Bru.
The Gothic subculture has spawned several new genres of epic faggotry that compete to outdo each other. Emo, Scene, Art Theatre and "The Crow" fans stalk the mall and clog independent coffee shops, failing at prodigious rates. These separate identities are easily confused and actually non-existent.
Due primarily to the German goths finally getting bored with mincing about like prats in black lipstick, the European community has been slipping ever more drastically in the direction of candy-raving manic happy shit. Irony is defined here, if you missed it in 10th grade. In some sort of attempt to combine wearing bright colors and raving on ecstasy with the ethos and aesthetic of the Gothic movies they still pretend to like, the techno and trance tracks continue to be suspiciously overlaid with "sinister"-sounding chanting. This is the only noticeable difference between a European goth ecstasy rave and a mainstream ecstasy rave.
The correct answer to any defense or retort is: "Why So Serious?"
In early 2010, mundanes began to report cases where they were "GOTH BLOCKED." Goths began to troll the entrances to restrooms and such. It has been theorized that this is an attempt of the Gothic race to fill the voids in their haunted afterlives.
How to Handle Being Goth Blocked
- Do not panic.
- If threatened, summon your god. (If an atheist, you could consider summoning the cops.)
- Don't worry. After all; they're Goth. Which means they're weak.
- Shove them aside and tell them to, "Get the fuck out of your way." They will stare at you in utter disbelief; but won't say anything, or risk losing the food they're eating. Which is 24/7.
- If it's a male goth (which is harder to discern than the female Goths) Grab him by his wimpy girl hair and smash his tiny head into the concrete. (Remember: they're Goths. Anyone not a Goth is instantly a Viking in terms of strength compared to these pansies.)
Ways to to Prevent being Goth Blocked
- Stay away from places goths frequent, such as cemeteries, the mall, and McDonald's.
- Avoid displaying feelings of despair, as this is likely to attract the goths.
- Engage in a subculture; only mundanes are goth blocked.
- Do not overuse self-tanner. Orange skin irritates goths.
- Do not worry about getting Goth Blocked, they are scared of any confrontation; Good or bad. They will walk away.
- Columbine - The media immediately blamed Goth culture for causing this, even though the 2 killers weren't involved in any way with the culture.
- Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab
- KILL IT WITH FIRE
- LJ Lice Drama
- My Immortal
- The Sisters of Mercy - one of the OG gothrock bands.
- Suicide Girls
- Emo - Goth's whiny kid sister.
- Steampunk - Goth's dorky, autistic little brother.
- Nu metal - wigger/metal fusion which is popular with mall-goths.
- Chav - Strange creatures native to Great Britain that prey upon goths.
- VampireFreaks - One of the most famous Goth forums.
- Don Henrie
- Emilie "Glittertits" Autumn
- Jack Spicer
- Jeff Weise - an injun goth from an isolated, shitty, rural reservation in the middle of fucking nowhere. He killed 9 people on March 21st, 2005, at his local school.
- Jerry from Doomsday Refreshment Committee
- Kimveer Gill - Tried to shoot up his school. He only got 1 kill though.
- Matt Crimmins
- Michelle Belanger
- Neil Gaiman
- Neil Gaiman's Sandman
- Sophie Lancaster
- Tara Gilesbie
- Voodoo devil doll
- /r/goth on reddit
- The Belfry Network
- Goth types
- Gothic and Amazing magazine
- The Blogging Goth
- What Is Goth?
- alt.gothic newsgroup FAQ
- World Goth Day (May 22)
- The Christian view on Goth
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|Featured article October 30, 2005|
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