Graphic art is also the profession at least 100% of DeviantARTists claim to either be working on a degree for or previously employed as. This is laughably ridiculous as a 5-minute browse through many of these “artist”’s profiles show that they fail to grasp even the most basic concepts of graphic art. Let’s look at them, shall we?
Look at a table. Just any table. Now get up and move to a different position. Surprise! The basic shapes that constitute it have changed depending on the angle and distance you moved!
- An Animu character whose face is always in the ¾ view, no matter how impossibly it relates to the body’s position.
- The “foreshortening” of limbs, or yes one arm really is shorter than the other.
- A “rear view” or “panty shot” if you’re an animu pedo
- MS Paint art
Or as one rocket scientist put it: “Picasso didn't even have proportional art. How is he any different than other artists who aren't perfect?... he didn't draw Humans very well.” In the words of some guy, Picasso earned that right.
- Boobs that remain perfectly round and perky no matter how ridiculously huge they are
- Poses that would make any human skeleton eject forcefully from the body
- Shitty hands
- Eyes disproportionately huge to the rest of the face
- Inability to draw the cock(even when you have one)
- MS Paint art
Something every DA user completely ignores, unless it’s dramatic black shadow that defies the laws of physics and facial contours. Everything on DA emits its own light, with gay little shadows that go in whatever directions the artist feels like.
Real shadows come in more than two shades and point directly away from the light source. Their length, shape, and darkness can be changed depending on the position, strength and size of the light source.
Shitty shadows lead to:
- Copypasta shadows from Manga scans
- “Outsider” or gothic art which is almost nothing but black shadow
- Pictures with muddy colors where the artist attempted and failed to do shadow.
- MS Paint art
Or red, green, blue, pink, yellow, orange, purple, and sometimes brown if you’re a DA user.
To the Graphic Artist, a wide array of palettes are available, depending on whether you are working on a website, paper medium, what have you. The shade, saturation and tone of color all must work together in order for the piece to have a sense of unity. Dark areas are shadow, more saturated areas tend to be closer to the viewer
DA artists know none of this, of course, and so every spot on the artwork is covered in colors more dazzling than a clown’s penis. Or the opposite, where every line is hopelessly muddied and the colors run together like Chris Crocker’s mascara. The artist picks whatever color behooves them and there you go: the finest piece of furry pedo porn on the block. The result of this gayness:
- All characters have hair in blinding neon shades, unless they’re just a copy character.
- Even if it doesn’t match the source, fanart will be in the same gay colors. Points if it’s crayon or gelpen.
- All skin will be either that weird inter-tan color that all anime characters share or goth-white.
- Evil people will be dark, and have less gay colors. Unless they’re bishie.
- All animals will be teh gayest of all, in tints god never intended for the pitiable beasts or man.
Take note of these concepts, because these are merely the basics; these are what you would need just to survive in an art class, not to mention getting a job in graphic art. Once you master these, there are at least 100 other things that go into an image’s composition, not one of them including gaysecks or loli.
Because the average DA fucktard can’t even employ these very basic techniques, none of them will ever get employed as a graphic artist then move to Japan as they all fervently hope. Rather, they will fail and die alone, surrounded by their self-drawn shota porn and empty pocky wrappers.
What leads them to claim a profession everyone knows they could never succeed at in 9010 years? Usually unwarranted self-importance: it’s their faggy way of trying to pwn people who aren’t wise to their bullshit.
- What vantage point is this from?
- What happened to his neck?
- Why is everything in this picture the same shade?
- The snake tail is a little lumpy
- Have you ever studied anatomy?
- You know all the great artists studied anatomy before they developed their own styles, right?
- You’re still in High school, aren’t you?(note:75% of DA users are.)
Butthurt responses (brace yourselves with these)
- Well, let’s see your (insert fandom here) picture of (insert gay couple)!
- This is just my style!!
- I know Nagas!
- I have (insert number here) pageviews, don’t tell me how to draw!
- (insert manga artist here) didn’t study anatomy, he/she/they developed their style first!
- She's only 14! Give her a break!
- Yeah well your art sucks too!
How to not completely fail at an endeavor in Graphic Art
- Some sort of artistic talent in the least. Seriously, as long as you can draw a straight line with a ruler, you're set.
- To go to a college that implements the rare bricks and mortar institution.
- To create a portfolio comprised of things anyone might actually want to pay you money for.
- Ideas that have only been used several times instead of ones inspired by that commercial you saw during the Super Bowl.
- The ability to use photoshop past shitty coloring, lens flares, blurring and all that other filter shit.
- Either 2000 Jew Golds for Adobe's recockulously priced software, or access to the internet to pirate them.
- To have never taken anything that isn't yours, regardless of availability.
- Know how Copy Write Protection works.
- Enough HTML knowledge and a credit card to make your own god damned web page. Seriously, having your online community's name or page provider's name in your URL is like wearing a cowboy hat in Minnesota.
- Don't be a butthurt faggot about critique. If someone says you're doing it wrong, fucking listen.
Also keep in mind these negatives:
- If haven't all ready traded in your heterosexuality for a Mac, you'll need to.
- The average Graphic Artist/Designer salary out of college is $40,000 USD annually.
- You will be forced to forever tolerate and be around macfags, because Photoshop is so much different on a Mac because their monitors are better than your 1280x1024 48-bit color screen.
- You haven't a black man's chance south of the Mason-Dixon Line of getting a job unless you get a degree in something more specific than 'making pretty pictures'.
- Everyone else will be an annoying Macfag.
You are NOT a Graphic Artist if:
- You were accepted into your school when they liked your traced picture of Puddles the Poodle they supplied.
- Your sketch book has ruled lines on it.
- You have a devianTART account.
- Can't tell the difference between left and right hand. Seriously, how the hell does anyone screw that up?
- Bleedman & CO.
- Duke Otterland
- Fred Gallagher
- Neo arcane
- Steve MacIsaac
- A site that sucks.
- A site that sucks even more.
- A site of elitist, pretentious artfags. Doesn't stop their art from not sucking, though.
|Featured article September 30, 2007|
| Preceded by
Penis Pump Sex Scandal
|Graphic art|| Succeeded by|
East High School Leopards Football Rape Team