- 1 A Brief History
- 2 The Credit Crunch
- 3 Reaction
- 4 OMG! Politics!
- 5 Effects on the Stock Market
- 6 Reaction on the Interbutts
- 7 And Exactly Why Should I Give a Fuck?
- 8 Follow The Nose
- 9 Lulzy Quotes: SANDWICH CHEF IN THE HOUSE!
- 10 Glossary of TL;DR
- 11 Oh Boy! Get Ready for TARP 2.0!
- 12 In Summation
- 13 See Also
A Brief History
Minorities Mostly To Blame
Like most major failures, the economic crash began with minorities screwing everything up.
Although the causes of the current crisis are varied and complex, its roots lie in the bust of the housing bubble in early 2007, as thousands of black person, Rednecks, black person, single moms, black person, and illegal immigrants were allowed to buy houses they couldn't afford through Sub-prime Mortgages. Though some argue that this economic downfall was the work of the Jews with aid from the Kardashians (in exchange for unlimited loans to go with their food stamps and welfare) in order to bring the world to its knees before openly enslaving mankind.
The Jews and WASPS, knowing these sub-prime mortgages were doomed to go bad, quickly packaged and re-sold them to other suckers. Who would buy a fail mortgage, you ask? That's a good question! These loans were considered safe because of a thing called CDS.
CDS - Like Letting Hobos Insure The Super Dome
Sounds fantastic, right? What could possibly go wrong with a genius plan like that? Nothing, it worked perfectly- bank forecloses and forces the owner back into renting with a shit ton of debt that effectivley means the bank owns them and you will have to work your fingers to the bone to pay back the jews, HA!-HA! You're fucking right, it's a bobsled run straight to hell! Read on...
Anyway, as is so often the case with the lenders of Wall Street, they soon allowed themselves to become blinded by greed and the CDS became a form of gambling, with moar and moar bets being placed on which loans would go bad first. This resulted in the CDS becoming a total lolcow, as the dollar value required to satisfy all the CDS agreements was more money than exists on planet earth. Or any other planet for that matter, rendering them worthless as insurance.
Because of this, CDS soon came to resemble a rabid monster, chasing innocent investors around and biting them on the tushie.
Congress to The Rescue!11
Belatedly realizing that white people's money was now at risk and knowing that it's always a good idea to borrow your way out of debt, Congress responded quickly with boatloads of cash and gave it to the banks with no strings attached: a process which we now euphemistically refer to as "TARP". (This is an appropriate name, since an IRL tarp is used to cover up a mess.)
Predictably, and because Wall Street bankers can't be trusted, they blew most of the green on baubles and shiny beads, leaving no money available to waste on loans. This, in turn, created the credit crunch.
The Credit Crunch
Capitalism and the free market economy are fundamentally based on loans (i.e. credit) and trust. This is particularly true of the banking system because banks have a huge pool of cash (aka "liquidity") and - thus - have a shit load of other people's money sitting around to fuck with as they wish (and without your permission). So banks loan out money to each other and businesses, charging "interest" to accumulate moar Jew Golds for themselves. This is where the "trust" factor comes in; the bank trusts that the borrower will pay back the loan and pay it back with interest. When people or businesses can no longer afford to pay off the loan and interest, that "trust" has been breached. Ordinarily, a bank can afford to absorb one or two hits like this since they are insured and it's just a drop in the bucket, but when it happens on a massive scale the banks tie the purse strings, lock the vault and say NO U! when someone comes looking for a loan. This is called a credit freeze or credit crunch. So, basically it's a nest of Jews playing games with money they don't have.
The Pleebs Go Batshit
—Typical Americunt (true comment!)
After being bombarded with high-pitched, alarmist punditry on Faux News and MSNBC, the taxpayers went batshit crazy when the House of Representatives presented their initial Bailout Bill to save the economy which expanded upon Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson's one page stick-up note demanding $700 billion and that nobody follow him or he'd shoot.
Even though most Americunts didn't/don't understand the fundamental principles of a free market economy, they suddenly became experts and became divided as everyone with a television show started spreading doom and gloom that the banks were going to all shut down and America was now going to become a third-world shithole as karma for W's eight years of hell.
Some said that the bail out had to be done, preferably via assrape without lube in so far as allowing the government no control over how the money was spent, even if it meant greedy Wall Street fatcats were allowed to assfuck the American tax payer one last time before W left office. Because, after all.. Wall Streeter's are the smartest guys in the room.
Others claimed that the bail-out shouldn't happen, either because they were all tweaked on jenkem fumes or because they felt that rewarding Wall Street's epic failure with free taxpayer moniez equates to a rough and tumble brand of Capitalism for the poor (who suffer alone when they make poor investment decisions) while the losses of the rich are socialized, (re: rewarding abysmal behavior via the taxpayer) thereby leaving the Masters of the Universe to actually fix the nightmare they created.
This debate might have continued normally but for the fact that 2008 was an election year for Congress AND the White House, it quickly turned it into a drunken train wreck.
Upper Management Celebrates
To celebrate the government (correction: us) bailing these fail-ass companies out, all their corporate execs and CEOs and CFOs celebrated and had BIG parties with caviar and fine wine.
John Thain, president of Merrill Lynch, spent liek $20 million renovating his personal bathrooms, and got himself a $35,000 toilet. This bitchass fuckface cunt bought him a motherfucking $35,000 toilet to shit in. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! BITCH! I'M PAYING FOR YOUR GOLDEN $35,000 TOILET???? CAN I AT LEAST TAKE A SHIT IN IT????
The faggots at Citi bought themselves a motherfucking $15 million JET. While they're laying off thousands of workers all over then nation, they buy themselves a fucking corporate jet; these dickheads can't fly fucking economy like the rest of us, in fear of the lack of caviar, gilded toilets, champagne, and risk of another false flag attack.
Shrewdly utilizing the financial crisis to showcase his own stupidity (funny story - he ended up with brain cancer), John McCain suspended his Presidential campaign and returned to Washington with hillbilly Gidget (i.e. Sarah Palin) in tow, to "TAKE CHARGE!" of the bailout plan. This resulted in a massive defeat of the first bailout bill voted on by the House of Representatives.
Barrack Obama meanwhile smiled and got up close with George W Bush, whispering sweet nothings in Bush's ears as he caressed his flat pastycakes and told Bush that he would go along with the bailout if Bush bent over and let Obama fuck him and fuck him good with his black, ten inch babyarm. While this made McCain very jealous, it also signaled that all the major players were on board with the bailout.
Even so, with both national and local elections coming in November, many House Democrats and Republicans in tight races "listened" and got the message loud and clear: if you vote for this bill, you will be b& by the voters in November!
This led the Failtastic 4 to try their hand in the US Senate which, following an extended floor debate (the highlights of which were Diane Feinstein✡ calling her cuntstituents stupid and Kay Bailey Hutchison repeatedly making karate chopping motions with her hands) took the House bill, jammed it full of billions in additional pork and then passed it, like a kidney stone.
The quick Senate victory (in addition to the aforementioned karate chopping motions) intimidated the House of Representatives who immediately passed their own version of the bill, officially ass pwning the entire country and global economy.
The pork (including but certainly not limited to):
- Help for their Wall Street Masters, as far as removing all oversight over how the money was spent (or even accounting where the money would go towards),
- Earmarking loot for their constituencies such as tax breaks and incentives for Hollywood studios,
- Adding on tax exemptions for wooden arrows designed for use by children and the suspension of taxes for the wool suit and textile industry lobbyists (worth $148 million).
- Deciding NOT to buy back the toxic mortgages from the banks in order to restructure them so that people could (in theory) get back on track with paying for their mortgages with newer, restructured payment plans.
When this happened, the masses started to shit their pants as far as realizing that they were fucked over by Wall Street and that they would have to pay for it for at least three generations minimum as far as higher tax rates goes. Even B. Hussein Obama privately said "OH SHI-..." as he realized that the bailout would basically straitjacket his entire Presidency as far as jacking the national debt to wild heights of fiscal irresponsibility. That is, until he realized that he could just do what Bush did: make the national debt even higher and not give a fuck about balancing the budget so as to get his agenda passed.
Effects on the Stock Market
With the 24/7 news cycle screaming that the sky was falling, jittery investors (aka Joe Public) started selling off all the stocks they'd been conned into buying online by investment bankers and hedge fund managers like they were playing online poker. Others, who had been forced into investing in mutual funds when corporate America replaced the traditional pension plans with 401Ks, quickly called their Jew Gold managers and told them to GTFO the stock market and convert the money they had invested into cash.
This is a pretty good idea, even though most Americunts have no idea how the economy works or they wouldn't be gambling their retirement money in a glorified casino (aka the stock market). Howevar, as a result, stock markets all over the world started to shit bricks, losing epic amounts of cash. Accordingly, the publicly traded corporations that rely on Joe Public's loot to keep enriching their profit margins and their CEOs hard earned $50 million yearly contracts were left with stock worth less than zero, forcing many to go hat in hand to the government intervention and for cash money help (See: Socialism).
Reaction on the Interbutts
Chrysler's Corporate butthole at large, Bob Nardelli, issued a dumbfuck statement on the Chrysler blog, thanking Americans for putting their taxes into the bailout; even though it wasn't the Americans' choice.
"Providing cars and trucks you want to buy"
Of course, if anyone actually wanted to buy their shitty cars, they wouldn't have been in this mess to begin with.
—Lede Agenda, 12-30-08
- Chrysler has recently announced that Fiat, the European carmaker responsible for the Panda, is buying a 35% in the company. I wonder what these new cars will look like. The Chrysler Crossfire looked like a smashed buttocks and the Panda looks like a smashed Rugby ball. So, a smashed rugby ball's buttocks?!?
- This deal mentioned above is also mentioned to use the dipshit Americunts tax payer monies to benefit the afore-mentioned overseas company.
On Saturday October 2nd, a drunken /b/tard set forth a motion to /b/ that they PA the economy with a "run" (withdrawing all your Jew golds) on the banks. This was probably one of the stupidest ideas evar to grace the pages of /b/ since basement dwellers don't have any money much less bank accounts.
After much discussion, nobody cared. However, being the gremlins they are, Anon decided to draft a plan to ruin the global economy. The plan calls for all Anonkind to withdraw all their money from their banks regardless of what said bank accounts contain. This will undoubtedly cause the world's banking systems to collapse due to all bank employees quitting on the spot after being asked how much they liek Mudkips and being IRL Rickroll'd over 9,000 times.
And Exactly Why Should I Give a Fuck?
Ordinarily, international finance isn't really an everyday concern of the average b-tard, as such people are usually so full of religion that they're normally too busy saving children, giving their time to charity and working for women's rights to worry about such things.
Unfortunately, Congressional Democrats and President Bush managed to find common ground for the first time in 8 years by agreeing that the best way to bail out Wall Street was to bail out (more like failout, amirite?) Wall Street to the tune of $5,000 for every single American taxpayer. This was made slightly funnier, due to the fact that Paulson (in charge of the bail-out being executed) decided NOT to buy the toxic mortgages, meaning that thousands of poor jackasses who took out mortgages they couldn't afford so they could take their ten kids to Disneyland and buy a Dodge Proton, not realizing that they actually had to pay the money back are still buttfucked and will be sucking dick in motel
room parking lots soon.
Follow The Nose
As above, many think this dilemma is the by-product of less than honest business practices like giving sub-prime mortgages to people who obviously couldn't pay them off, or short selling, but that's kind of stupid.
There's something people are overlooking: what ethnicity has thrived most since 9/11? The Jews.
Didn't think so.
Lulzy Quotes: SANDWICH CHEF IN THE HOUSE!
—John A. Boehner on the Bailout Bill
This after his fellow Republican, Paul Broun of Georgia. initially rejected the bailout plan:
—Rep. Paul Broun
- Mortgage: With a regular mortgage, you are a dumb fuck that thinks you have to have property to live the American Dream to the fullest. A Jew lends you money to buy a house you can't afford based on your job, collateral, credit report and skin color. You plunk down all the cash you have as a down-payment and the bank covers the rest. After that, you move in and pay the bank money every month (aka "rent") and give them a healthy tip (aka "interest").
Example: You are a grubby middle class couple with three kids and dreams of living the sweet life of the rich via having a big McMansion sized house. But you are also drowning in debt, living from paycheck to paycheck, even with the wife working as well to afford the pseudo-life of the upwardly mobile yuppie. So after your shitty lifestyle causes months and months of impotence, you decide to get a mortgage loan to go buy a McMansion and shut your fucking wife up about how what a loser you are and how if she could afford it, she'd divorce your ass and marry a rich guy and move up socially to the big mansion house the cunt thinks she deserves.
So finally, you give your wife a real estate guide and she picks out the expensive as hell McMansion of her dreams to shut her whore mouth. You then go to the bank and they agree to give you a loan to buy the goddamn house.
- Sub-prime mortgages: Basically the scapegoat for Republicans, who want to blame everything on the minorities and not their perversion of capitalism to make the rich richer and the poor poorer. Basically, banks decide to lend money to people (often minorities but also whitey too) who don't have money, jobs, decent credit, or any sort of ability to successfully pay off a mortgage. This is considered "predatory lending" since they often hornswaggle the ignorant poor into taking out the biggest loan that the banks can bullshit them into taking out, then waiting as they fail to make their payments (and if by some miracle they do keep up with their payments, nail them to the wall via the unaffordable balloon payment) and foreclose on their asses, ruining their credit and making them homeless scum too.
Most of this was possible by laws passed by the Jimmy Carter administration, abolishing the ability banks had to discriminate against poor minorities who were more often than not were casually dismissed from gaining loans from the banks, due to the prejudice that minorities = poor. Which in turn gives the Republicans the bogyman to blame Democrats for the whole mess. Of course, this failed when Democrats countered that the Republicans also deregulated the bank as far as removing any and all government oversight KEEPING them honest, under George Bush I's presidency.
- Bad Paper: See above.
- Exotic loans: Shitty loans that have NO hope of ever being repaided. Called "exotic" so that they can be repackaged and sold to investors who don't know that they are being sold shit.
- Balloon Payment: The catch all "fuck-you" of mortgages and predatory lending: basically, you get a low interest, low monthly payment loan and all is peachy for the first couple of months. Then BLAMMO! You get a bill for a payment that is two, three, four, sometimes FIVE times the amount of the original monthly payment you and the bank agreed upon. This is the balloon payment, which is how the banks make up for all of the money they didn't get with the first couple of payments you sent in. And 99.9% of the time, after the balloon payment is made, you say goodbye to the low interest, low monthly payments and end up having to pay twice or three times the amount you thought was due every month.
- Foreclosure: You can't pay your loan installment (aka "rent") for a couple of months and - just like an apartment - the landlord (in this case the Jew) kicks you out on the street and keeps all the money you've given them. They now own the McMansion you think you owned (plus all the money you gave them) and drive around looking for another idiot to fill your mud hut. Rinse and repeat.
- Runs: Not to be confused with "jogging" or the shits, a run in financial terms is a Jew worst nightmare. A run on a bank, for example, means that everyone who has money in that particular bank bumrushes the tellers to get all their savings back before the bank goes broke. If everyone does this, then the bank (who in truth only has X-Amount of money in it) is ruined and has to shut down, since they are flat out broke.
"Runs" were the stuff of nightmares in the Great Depression, wiping out entire banks as people opted to stuff their money in their mattresses or in glass jars. To get people to trust the no-good banks again, then President Franklin D. Roosevelt was forced to implement new government policy where they will insure EVERYONE'S money up to $10,000, meaning if there is a run on a bank and you don't get there in time to get your life savings out before the bank closes for good, the government has to pay you all of your money back.
- Securities: Crappy overvalued houses once the bank has foreclosed on the "owner".
- Mortgage backed assets: See above.
- 700 billion dollars: Enough money to cover a football field in 4.85 feet of one hundred dollar bills having a total weight of 7,709 tons.
Oh Boy! Get Ready for TARP 2.0!
Despite criticism that the TARP Program strongly resembles one thousand Mimes with their asses packed full of thumbtacks, Policy Makers are currently contemplating a second TARP style bailout large enough to make this one look like a mere rounding error.