Guitar

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Wielding one of these gives you +6 Charisma and Gay. Visit these three guitar gods on tumblr.

The guitar is a musical instrument in which untalented weeaboos and faggots pick up in order to gain positive attention to themselves from the opposite sex. Nine times out of ten, they fucking suck horribly resulting in zero vagina and utter humiliation. However, there is a myth that some people are are actually good; but most are just cheap 13 year old boys who think that if they stare at the instrument long enough they'll be able to create music with absolutely no fucking musical knowledge.

Another usage of a guitar
What you should look like if you're playing guitar correctly

Guitars[edit]

A young champ playing the guitar at home
  • Guitar (AKA most overrated and overplayed instrument in history)

The origin dates back to over 9000 years ago when untalented assholes who couldn't play any other stringed instruments and wanting to look like a douche and get laid with songs about giving girls cherries and apples, invented the lute, which is a pussy version of most stringed instruments.

Acoustic guitars don't have any amplification, it's what your mom buys you to shut you the fuck up and do something with your pathetic, meaningless life. Most acoustic guitars are shit, unless you're willing to shell out a couple grand for a decent one that is advertised to be created with artisan grade wood and shit. Every High School D-Bag with an accostic guitar can play Stairway to Heaven or Pink Foyd's Wish You Were Here

Electric guitars have some form of amplification and are iconically used in modern music. Most people who own an electric guitar usually own a shitty entry-level Ibanez or an even shittier azn made Fender Squire, most people who own an electric guitar can play a handful of generic riffs such as "Smells Like Teen Spirit" or "Come As You Are". These are the kind of people that give actual guitarists a bad name because they flaunt their l33t skillz like they're the next Jimi Hendrix or some shit.

Contrary to popular belief, there are two distinct kinds of guitar players and they are listed as follows:

  • Ones who know what the fuck they are doing and have fingers that can reach down half the guitar neck
  • Ones who don't know what they fuck they are doing and can only remember their chords when looking at a finger key.

Both of these two archetypes have the potential of sucking harder than your mom on a Saturday night. Guitarists who know what they fuck they are doing are typically elitist faggots who think they're hot shit because they know a bunch of fancy terms like 'suspended fourth' and 'pentatonic scale'. Ignore these idiots because they really don't know what they're talking about if they have to talk about the same shit all the fucking time.

Guitarists who don't know what the fuck they are doing will always suck, no matter what.

Now, for some examples:

Now, that is a guitarist that knows what the fuck they are doing - his name is Stevie Ray Vaughn; He was a retarded coke addict from Texas and he was probably infinitely better than you will ever be.


One more example:

There is yet another example of someone that will forever be infinitely better than you. John Mayer is a notorious IRL troll who used his mediocre voice and virtuosic guitar skills to get famous and fuck as many celebrity babes as possible, just so he could prove a point to the people of his hometown that he wasn't a socially-awkward aspie who wouldn't go anywhere in life - he is an example of someone who is doing it right.

Final Example:

If you need to be told, this is Randy Rhoads, or better yet, the guy who taught Steve Vai.
He was one of the best, most people that pretend to play metal guitar like to think they're him. He made it IN for guitarists to know how to play classical music because he taught it at UCLA. He is one of the greats all guitarists are rated against and died way too soon.

  • Bass Guitar

Nobody gives a fuck about the bass guitarist unless they're Geezer Butler. If you're not Geezer Butler no one will ever know who you are.

Obviously Not a Guitar Hero Faggot[edit]

because playing Guitar Hero songs on real guitar is cool amiright?

How to Play the Guitar[edit]

DO[edit]

DON'T[edit]

  • Even think about Music Theory. No guitar god ever learned that shit because they knew it would turn them into classical fags. Learn YOUR OWN music theory!
  • Garner inspiration by smoking weed. Everyone knows the best ideas strike when you can't be bothered to do anything but lie on the couch all day.
  • Practice more than you feel like. Inspiration will come, be patient.

MEH[edit]

  • You can write songs about whatever you like: being a dickless redneck trying to score in the big city of your state, hating niggers, raep, bestiality, etc. Get out of the 60's, you have more chance to score playing a harp. Moron.

WHO WROTE THIS FAGGOTRY?[edit]

  • Learn a balanced repertoire of songs (don't forget 'Your Body is a Wonderland', that's the ticket to getting laid.)
  • Get off your ass and learn how to read sheet music if you want to be a legitimate musician, if not - go fuck yourself.
  • Flaunt your so-called 'innovative guitar playing' as an excuse for you not learning how to play your fucking instrument correctly, like everyone else.
  • Overtly use your guitar to get laid, with great power comes great responsibility - choose your sluts wisely.

Guitar virtuosity calculation formula[edit]

Pedobear's guitar skill = Pussies he had / 2

Remember, you'll get double the amount of pussy (0 x 2 - that's just good math!) if you can sing as well. Everyone knows it was singing as well as romantic conquests that made Cory Williamson such a good guitar player, otherwise it would be division by zero and that is not allowed.

Every guitar wanker's wet dream[edit]

  • Learn several sensitive love songs on the guitar.
  • PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
  • Play for teenaged girls
  • Be sure to bring scuba equipment or you'll drown in the pussy! GEDDIT? WOOOOOOO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOFLOLLOLOFLOFLOLOLOLOLLLLLLLLLAMOMOOOOOOOLOLOOO \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/ Icon playguitar.gifIcon playguitar.gifIcon playguitar.gifIcon playguitar.gifIcon playguitar.gifIcon playguitar.gifIcon playguitar.gifIcon playguitar.gifIcon playguitar.gifIcon playguitar.gifIcon playguitar.gifIcon playguitar.gifIcon playguitar.gif
  • ????
  • PROFIT!

Reality[edit]

  • Learn several sensitive love songs on the guitar.
  • PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
  • Play for teenaged girls
  • Be sure to bring scuba equipment or you'll drown in the pussy. W/E, was funny when I toured with KISS \m/
  • Why don't you have a seat over there?
  • Buttsecks

Guitar Faces[edit]

If you play guitar you must have, at all times, a guitar face. Here is an example of some 16 year old boy doing a metal face:

See Also[edit]

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