Half-Life 2

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Gman.
You gonna get hurt, bitch.

Half-Life 2: Electric Boogaloo is an overrated first-person shooter developed by Valve Corporation, that won at least 100 Game of the Year awards. It is mostly used as a platform for socially-stunted gamers to play Counter-Strike.

The game is based on the adventures of a cardboard cut-out named Gordon Freeman. After the events of the first game, Gordon Freeman was kidnapped, teleported thousands of years back in time and raped in oblivion for at least 100 years by G-man, and then somehow ended up on a train heading for City 17. City 17 and the entire world are controlled Dr.Br33n, a local pedophile and war-monger. He spends his days blabbing about shit on giant screens, eating the flesh of his enemies, and rounding up all the kids in the world to his secret lair (ergo there are no children in the game). Gordon then gets kidnapped by an alcoholic and is subjected into revolting against the relatively peaceful regime. He goes on an adventure for 2 days, meeting Morgan Freeman and his half-black daughter, psychotic fundamentalists, English buccaneers, and eventually goes back to City 17 and pwns Br33n's sorry ass. Unfortunately, G-man (who had been stalking Gordon for the entire game) captures him again and the game ends. Wow, that shit is so profound.

Here's the progression of the game: you start off with an actually pretty neat walk through Shitty 17, and then a little while later you're in a sewer for over an hour. Then you have to ride a hovercraft and you're like "Wow, coolness! Thank Jesus fucking Mary Magdalene on a bed made out of win I'm out of those fucking sewers!" And it almost immediately gets old, then you proceed to ride the hovercraft around for a million fucking years. Repeat formula for the rest of the game: 10 minutes of cool shit followed by 3 hours of boring shit until the typically anticlimactic shit ending.

Half-Life 2 pioneered new, groundbreaking storytelling technique. Rather than making you sit around doing jack shit during overlong, shitty cutscenes, the game lets you walk around during overlong, shitty cutscenes, jumping on people's heads, spawning enemies to kill random people, and finding creative ways to kill yourself in an empty room with just a flower pot.

Weapons[edit]

  • Crowbar: A rusty bent piece of metal that Barney has over 9000 of. Used for raping the first Combine in the game, then forgotten. That is, unless you find wood in your way (predictably, every 6 feet).
  • Pistol: Remember the Glock in the first Half-Life and how shit it was? Only eight fucking damage per shot? It's a USP now, and it's even worse with just 5 damage/hit. Nobody in their right fucking mind would use this for anything other than maybe shooting a cop or two. Valve seems to understand this and also gives you an SMG when you spawn in multiplayer, meaning that this weapon is literally pointless after you get the SMG.
  • Grenades: Fling it and see if the Combine will get out of the way or not. Mostly not. Basically useless in multiplayer, because everyone runs like fucking sanic. That is unless you pair it with the gravity gun to make a fucking grenade launcher that could blow you up if you fuck up.
  • SMG: Weak MP7 with a 45 round magazine and not very accurate fire. Even worse damage (4) than the pistol, but makes up for it with retardedly high rate of fire and a good magazine. You will find ammo for this everywhere, even in your own asscrack. (yes, search now, you will find a box). Generally the most useful gun in singleplayer aside from the AR2. In multiplayer, it's a standard gun, and is also fucking useless. It comes with a n00btube as in Half-Life (which comes out of a tiny barrel under the main one somehow).
  • Shotgun: Shitty SPAS-12. Yet another downgrade from Half-Life's (6 shots instead of 8) but has the same double shot feature despite having only one barrel. You never use it in semi-automatic mode even though that's possible in real life (and even the NPCs do it). Practically useless beyond like 10 yards, but ammo is everywhere. Good for trolling Combine soldiers in tiny spaces where 20 of them pop up.
  • AR2: Combine energy assault rifle. It's technically called the Pulse Rifle, but nobody calls it that shit anymore, instead using the development placeholder name (Assault Rifle 2). It has a hilariously low reserve ammo cap (just 1 mag in the gun and 2 reserve) but Combine soldiers tend to carry it around, and it's one of the most useful guns in the game, because unlike the SMG it can actually hit shit. Secondary fire is a sort of energy ball thing that bounces off the walls and vaporizes the shit out of enemies.
  • RPG: Laser Guided Troll Launcher. Used constantly to take out the same enemies. Also good suicide and EXTREME TROLLING weapon. You will never use it in singleplayer unless you see shit like a Gunship or something (which will be painfully obvious, since there'll be 50 RPG rockets just lying on the floor).
  • Gravity Gun: Has super science name. Basically telekinesis gun that lets you pick up and fling physics objects. Fucking glorious, since it enables you to literally murder someone with a toilet, your computer monitor, or even a fucking dead body once it gets powered up in the final levels. The only gun worth using in multiplayer, since most thrown shit will one hit kill if it's big enough.
  • Crossbow: Somehow shoots superheated fucking rebar, and the only weapon that can scope in. Requires some practice to use, but will one hit most enemies, and is the subject of tired fat people's montage videos on YouTube.
  • Revolver: Semi-Useful. Can hit from the fucking Moon, but fires slower than the heat death of the Universe. Super tough. Like the crossbow, you never find any more ammo. Unlike the crossbow, you will have to headshot most enemy soldiers, and as such it's fucking useless (because you won't headshot them with your "skill".) The favored weapon of leet hackers, since it's a one hit kill to the head, and only hacking will give you the skill to do that.
  • Magnusson Device: ANOTHER cleverly named weapon. Was made in Episode 2 so butthurt fans wouldn't have to use the Rocket Launcher anymore. Essentially a fucking bomb with nails that sticks to a Strider when you fling it with the gravity gun.
  • Bugbait: Not really a weapon. Sends antlions to where you throw it, allows them to buttfuck combines. Useless afterwards, but if you single out a Combine you can keep stun-locking him with the bugbait, and he'll do a hilarious little dance for you until you tire of it and shoot him in the face.

-- Other

  • Annabelle: Old lever action rifle used by a mad priest. You used to be able to take it by a glitch but valve patched this because they were butthurt. It had no model -anyways and used ammo that you could never find (Revolver). Only loads 2 shots and is fucking useless, because only said priest can shoot zombies in the head.
  • AR3: Weapon that exists. Guy used them to kill hundreds of hunters in the city.
  • Fists: Another weapon that a guy used to kill 10-20 hunters a day in the city.
  • Pipe: Nigger uses this to fight Manhacks but ends up dying anyway.
  • Alyx Gun: YET ANOTHER cleverly named weapon. Is super fast shooting pistol but is only used by Alyx.
  • Stunstick: Weapon used by metropolice to buttfuck citizens. It was originally a weapon but valve got butthurt and removed its use, now it gives you 7 suit energy.
  • Combine Sniper Rifle: Weapon used by snipers. Cleverly named. Alyx uses it with terrible aim in Episode 1 and Episode 2. Shits out an extremely obvious blue laser to indicate that a sniper is trying to hollow out your cranium.
  • Flare Gun: Shot by combines to signal stuff. You can never use this. For some reason they like to shoot it into your face at point blank whenever you're in a dark tunnel, and it still doesn't do anything.

Characters[edit]

  • Gordon Freeman: Science guy from the past. He woke up on a train after a long hangover. Now he buttfucks and trolls everyone.
  • G-man: An old pedophile stalking Gordon. He gave Gordon the hangover and forces Gordon to do tasks when he's not assfucking him.
  • Alyx Vance: A stereotypical badass chick. Every fanboy dreams of sex with her. She has a pistol you can't use and a leet hax0r tool. She is also annoying and makes shit jokes, plus her aim is terrible.
  • Eli Vance: A nigger from Black Mesa. He is a pirate with a metal pegleg. He was killed while trying to suck an Advisor's cock.
  • Barney Calhoun: A guy from the rebels who also worked at Black Mesa. He disguised himself as a Metrocop to buttfuck civilians. Also he has a nearly infinite amount of crowbars to give to Gordon.
  • Isaac Kleiner: Old geeky scientist from Black Mesa. He has a pet headhumper who he launched into outar spacez. He is a pedo to Alyx too.
  • Dr. Wallace Breen: Self proclaimed ruler of the combine and humanity. He tried to teleport himself away but was killed because the plot story needed to have a sense of no accomplishment at the end.
  • Dr. Judith Mossman: A bitch that backstabs everybody in the game. She is currently forgotten by the plot in Episode 2.
  • Dr. Arne Magnusson: He is the George Bush of Half-Life 2 and takes all the credit for launching a nuke into the combine portal.
  • Rebels/citizens: Guys who get buttfucked by the combine. Have dreams of sleeping with Gordon and follow him around everywhere. For some reason they're better shots with the SMG than the Combine, though they have less health and are universally shitter at everything else.
  • Vortigaunts: Friendly aliens that do awesome shit for you. You used to beat them to fucking pulps in Half-Life 1, but they're apparently badass Shakespeare-sounding guys now that shit lightning out of their hands and never die to anything.

Enemies[edit]

  • Metropolice: Guys in gasmasks and standard dystopian secret police uniforms. They are the Combine's standard trolls. Have stunsticks to buttfuck citizens. They also carry Pistols, SMGs and Manhacks sometimes. Only 25 HP, so they can get raped by even the Pistol, and have EVEN WORSE tactics than the regular soldiers. They come back near the end of the game with an HP upgrade, but are still too easy to rape.
  • Standard Headcrabs: Alien creatures that want you to suck their dicks by jumping on your head. They are really weak. Kleiner has a pet one that was launched into space.
  • Fast Headcrabs: Annoying fuckers that are impossible to hit. They have the same stats as the standards ones besides that they jump and run faster, and can't be hit.
  • Poison Headcrabs: More annoying fuckers. They are easy to hit but they reduce your health all the way to 1. Also have a high amount of health
  • Standard Zombie: Slow moving cunts. They try and whack you with their hands, or throwing lit explosive barrels at you and killing themselves. Have a tendency to run into motors sawing themselves in half.
  • Standard Torso Zombie: Standard zombie cut in half. They are the result of getting chopped in half by motor saws, because zombies are autistic and cannot understand the concept of walking around a spinning, noisy death wheel.
  • Fast Zombie: Zombie created by the fast headcrab. They are annoying to hit as well. However, they are considerably weaker than the normal zombie. They have wailing screams that piss you off as their main weapon.
  • Fast Zombie Torso: Cunts that appear in Episode 2. They are impossible to see and hit, and are cut in half.
  • Poison Zombie: Toughest Zombie. He has super high health and throws poison headcrabs at you. He is nearly impossible to beat and kills you every time.
  • Zombine: Cleverly named by Alyx. It's a combine zombie. Even more impossible to kill, as once its impossibly high health gets low it pulls a grenade on you. First appeared in Episode 1
  • Barnacle: Bitches on ceilings that grab things with their long tongue and try to eat it.
  • Antlion: Annoying little bitches. Fly through the air and get all pissed when you walk on their sand. Become friends with you after you get bugbait. They rape combine in the ass very easily. They can easily drown in 3 ft. of water for some reason.
  • Antlion Worker: Much tougher than the normal antlions. Spits acid at you and instantly kills you. Would be much more useful as their main attacker but the antlions are retarded as fuck. First seen in Episode 2. Can also easily drown in 3 ft. of water.
  • Antlion Grub: Little bitches that heal you if you step on them. They are annoying as hell. They can't even damage you. First appeared in Episode 2. Murdering them is like murdering babies, hence you should kill as many as possible.
  • Antlion Guard: Giant bug thing. The goal of it is to rape you in the ass multiple times. It cannot be killed under any circumstance because it will just launch cars at you. Also has a glowing variant named the Guardian which is exactly the same except if you even try to shoot it you have to restart.
  • Manhack: Floating sawblades. They are annoying as hell and nearly kill you every time. You can grab them with the Gravity Gun and use them as a chainsaw (your Rebel buddies will even not shoot it if you do).
  • City Scanner: Floating bitches that blind you. Basically flying security cameras.
  • Shield Scanner: Scanners that don't have shields. They drop mines and alert striders of your position, making them annoying ass cunts.
  • Strider: Big fucking biomechanical tripod. Has a gigantic machine gun and a penis ray gun. The ray gun vaporizes you. Always finds you because of a fucking Shield Scanner that flew up your ass. In Episode 2 they lose all sense of awareness (you can fap next to them and they won't notice you), but Hunters appear as their shitty harem in every circumstance, making them difficult nonetheless. They try to rape White Forest to stop the launch of a penis rocket, but they fail because Gordon sticks bombs to them and blows them to chunks.
  • Gunship: Overpowered flying jet helicopter thing. Has a gigantic machine gun and a laser cannon it never uses.
  • Helicopter: Overpowered flying helicopter. Has a gigantic machine gun, drops endless amounts of bombs and missiles that it only uses once.
  • Dropship: Annoying flying troop carrier. Drops striders, APCs, and combine infantry to the ground. Cannot be shot down. Also has an overpowered gigantic machine gun it only ever uses when dropping troops, in one of the rare sensible actions of the Combine. Drops like 4 soldiers and then fucks off, leaving them to die.
  • Combine Soldier: Regular 50-hp cyborg Combine infantry. They are actually intelligent and do good tactical manuevers, though they get killed in 3 seconds because Gordon is a rape machine. They come in SMG, shotgun, and AR2 varieties; SMG troops are hilariously inaccurate but have a high rate of fire, AR2s have low rates of fire but are accurate and actually somewhat of a threat, and shotgun troops (whom are red instead of blue) will just walk up to you and rape you with their hot manly lead. They also fling grenades, meaning that even with their inaccuracy they still rape Rebels. They also come in prison guard varieties. These fuckers are manageable in vanilla HL2, but in the Episodes the AR2 soldiers get a huge accuracy boost, meaning that they will rape you in three seconds if you don't pull all sorts of bullshit to kill them.
  • Combine Elite: White-armor soldier with 70 HP. Doesn't throw grenades, but shits energy balls from their AR2 instead. Tend to be even less of a threat than regular soldiers, because they don't throw grenades. They eat bullets like candy, unless you aim for the big red lens on their helmet with your Revolver. Don't appear in prison guard varieties, but still show up in Nova Prospekt.
  • Combine Snipers: Campers that hardscope you from a distance in a building. They can't do shit because they have issues with hitting a zig-zagging target, and shit out enormous blue lasers to indicate what they're looking at. They always appear hidden in windows, and must be killed by shoving a grenade up their ass.
  • Ceiling turret: Turrets that are on the ceiling. They are only seen once in the first game and have no ammo in Episode 1.
  • Ground Turret: Turrets that are underground. Only seen once in the same area that the ceiling ones are.
  • Floor Turret: Used when the combine are lazy asses and can't be bothered to build shit into the area. Can't be destroyed, but they randomly blow up for no reason in Episode 2. So much as fucking poking one will send it flying off its tripod base, and they're even LESS accurate than regular combine soldiers despite being robots with stabilized firing platforms.
  • Combine Advisor: A giant floating sausage that uses telekinesis. Cannot be killed. Rapes Eli to death at the end of Episode 2.
  • Hunter: A mini strider that shoots vaporizing darts from his twin dicks. Fucks Alyx in the ass in Episode 2. They're annoying as fuck and are like velociraptors, but you get to run them over with your car in the late-game.

Episode One[edit]

Valve realized they had just made gamers play 10 hours of a game with an alleged story without actually providing any story whatsoever, so they start trying here, and in exchange this one is consumed with running around in variably boring-ass dark places as your bitch follows you around and says "Wow! Look at that thing!" every two minutes. The game delivers a half-assed ending and left fans/noobs waiting on the second episode, which we all know is shit. The Combine Soldiers become even more annoying in this game because the AR2 soldiers gain a huge accuracy boost, ensuring that they will always hit your dumb ass even from 20 miles away, and with fully automatic fire too.

Episode Two[edit]

The creators of Half-Life figured that if they were able split the sequel into 3 pieces, they could sell your soul to Satan. Unfortunately, this did not work, and they ended up selling their own souls at 5% interest. Oh well. Changes include the annoying-ass Hunters, your flashlight finally getting a separate battery source from your oxygen and sprinting, and getting a cool muscle car to run over said Hunters with.

Episode Three[edit]

The fabled Episode 3 has been demanded by fanbois since the dawn of time. However it is clear that the more requests Gabe Newell gets the more he decides to delay Episode 3 and release shitty games like Left4Dead, Left4Dead 2, Portal 2 and other shit nobody cares about. Some suspect that Gabe slipped in the Valve HQ and caused an earthquake just when episode 3 was about to be released. This caused unrepairable damage to all episode 3 copies and they had to start over again.

A theory created by Facepunch member Master117 explained that the reason Half-Life 2 Episode 3 is taking so long is due to a time dilation effect due to how massive Gabe Newell is. Following the creation, the theory was shamelessly ripped from it's roots and posted on 4chan by some faggot, which was then posted on reddit by some other faggot.

Mods[edit]

Shitty untextured nightmares, two-inch-long "masterpieces", and hordes of Combine Soldiers placed everywhere for "a fun experience".

Do not go here. It is a dangerous place.

Steam[edit]

The game is run by Steam, which means that most people will bash their monitors in the first 5 minutes of download (if they don't tear their arms off first). The Steam client won't let you play any game- even games with absolutely no online capabilities- unless you have an Internet connection. They try to trick you into buying your games again by claiming that your games are pre-loads and your account is faulty. This works on the typical Steam user. Steam(ing pile of shit) means that its not up to hydrogen yet. Damn six years of work. This is also the future of DRM (digital rights management)...fucking buggier than an entire swarm of dickants.

Typically for most trailer park dwelling fucktards, the idea of "ending a process" and restarting the client is far too advanced for them. Better take that CS III class.

Though at least it's superior to Origin.

The Great Macfuck[edit]

After Steam was recently ported to the Apple Mac, Valve decided to release its flagship title aswell. Normally nobody would give a shit but the morning after PC fags woke up to find their bandwith was being raped in the ass. All this was a result of Half Life 2 recieving a massive patch to help Macfags resolve their "problems".

The patch had to finish to play Half Life 2 again and Steam steals OVER 9000% of your bandwidth for the downloads. So PCfags were severely butthurt, however Valve continued to troll them by announcing Team Fortress 2 was coming out for Mac along with all its useless patches.

So all this butthurt happened only to deliver patches to PC gamers which only fixed Mac versions.

Videos, Fanfic crap and Video Reviews[edit]

Gallery[edit]

Rule 34 gallery[edit]

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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