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Fat

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See also: Girlvinyl. Her majestic figure inspired us to write this article.

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Myth: obesity is due to bad thyroids and low thermogenesis.
Fact: obese people under-report their eating and over-report their exercise.


A word that describes about 95% of the internets. Also, one who cannot fit into MRIs. Fat people are abominations; the filthiest eye-sores known to mankind, they deserve to be slaughtered like the pigs they are and roasted on a spit to feed the starving people from whom they stole life-saving food. A fatty is without exception angry, bitter, cynical and in denial. They like to eat, cry, talk trash with their fat friends, eat, act petty, eat in secret, cry about how this shallow and materialistic world is so unjust to their kind, cry while eating, and most importantly, eat while crying. They have been known to be aggressive and will attack if provoked, the best way to survive is to simply run.

Fat Mentality

Fat people possess fat mentality, which subscribes to the following assumptions:

You are
what you eat
A fine example of fat mentality
For those whom use these excuses
5fat321.jpg


FALSE ASSUMPTION TRUTH
It is not my fault I am fat. Unless you have medical proof that it is not your fault, then it is obvious that you have trouble putting the fucking fork down.
Because I am fat, I can be a bitch. If I'm a bitch and people don't like me, it's because I am fat and they are racists. Seriously, nobody likes a fatty unless they put out and leave. And since when is being fat considered a race? Oh, wait. It isn't.
Real women have curves. Curves do not equal balloons of fat. Know the difference; it could save your life.
Marilyn Monroe was a size sixteen. Marilyn Monroe was actually a size 8, 5'5", and weighed roughly 112 lbs, putting her at a BMI of 21 [overweight being 25]. The size 16 myth was circulated by fatties, to feel better about their own lard asses. Weight notwithstanding, Marilyn Monroe was hot. You are ugly.
Men who like thin women are secretly gay (like fashion designers). Oh, of course. Women who have normal proportions are so terrifying. How could I be so stupid? Actually, men who like thin women don't like whales like you.
I am a victim. No, you are a fat whore. It's not the bullet, it's always the sniper.
It is what is inside that counts. You only think that because you're fugly on the outside, and because you have a lot inside of you. You're being a self-important retard.

The surest and most truthful indication of "what a person is inside" is what they do. What you do reveals who and what you are, because what you do proceeds from who and what you are.

You must change the airplane seats to fit my enormous fat ass. How about you stop being a Jew and pay for first class? Maybe that's incentive enough to stop being such a fat fuck.
I deserve a free electric mobility cart because Twinkies aren't a choice. You deserve a push down a flight of stairs. Actually, nevermind. It might cause a fucking earthquake.
I have had sex with over 100 men from bars, I must be hot a whore. Enough beer makes anyone look good, hon. Oh, and if your stomach sticks out more than your tits do, you have a problem.
Baby Got Back was about fat women. It was about women with great asses; yours, on the other hand, looks like a pile of fat shit.
More cushion for the pushing. I do not want to wonder if I am fucking your pussy or your sweaty folds
It's better than being uncomfortably overweight. Fat = Uncomfortably overweight. All of that fried chicken must have cut off circulation to the brain for a moment, there.
Because I am fat, I have powerful lungs which makes me a good singer. Oh, that was singing? I thought that was you yelling for more cake. Opera singers develop barrel chests, not rolls of belly fat. Can you hit a high C and hold it? No? Then you are not an opera singer, you are fat.
If you find me unattractive, you're fat-phobic. I find you disgustingly repulsive, as does the rest of the general population.It's not a phobia. I'm just concerned about your health.
If you don't like my "womanly" body, you're a pedophile. You're not a woman, you're a punching bag that talks back. And I don't need any lip from a punching bag.


Some say that the fat mentality is the main reason fat people are unattractive. This is a lie. Fat people are unattractive because they are a bloated mockery of the human form.


RUN AWAY WHEN SOMEONE FAT DANCES





Obesity and Oral Sex

It should be noted that fat chicks give great head. Fat girls give the best head because they're always hungry, but caution must be taken. In cases of too much enthusiasm, a fat woman may take ejaculation as the time to bite and swallow anything in her mouth. This is also because they are accustomed to putting large amounts of food in their mouths at all times, and crave hot meaty sticks shoved down their gullets. Furthermoar, due to natural selection, fat chicks often lack a gag reflex, enabling them to easily unhinge their gaping jaws and swallow objects many times the size of their own, already enormous heads. It should be obvious that any fat chick with a working gag reflex has a built-in solution to her problem of being fat! Fat chicks who do not give great head are probably fat dykes. Research is inconclusive regarding fat men and cunnilingus. For information on fat men and fellatio, please see gay.

How Fat People Should be Treated

Written at least 100 years ago by Thomas Jefferson, the Declaration of Independence states that all people are created equal. However, fatties are not people, and besides, who cares what a slave fucker like Thomas Jefferson says, amirite? Therefore, mass extermination of fatties is recommended and even encouraged by God himself as laid forth in the Bible in that part about flamethrowers, or was it about ham?

Do it for great justice, and for the lulz.

How To Spot A Future Fatty

  1. Apparent "baby fat" does not melt away by the age of 5.
  2. When friends ask them to play outside, they would rather not because video games and anime cartoons don't require you to move.
  3. Constant eating in between meals.
  4. Ballooning around the face and belly.
  5. Prefers cats over dogs because cats don't have to be taken out for walks.
  6. Asks for a ride to school so they don't have to walk.
  7. Depression.
  8. Seeks comfort from material things, especially food.
  9. Lack of a lot of friends to bring home because who the fuck wants to be seen with a fat kid?
  10. Drinks energy drinks for reasons that don't involve "To get a quick burst of energy".
  11. Dates niggers
  12. Has a Mexican family.

What Happens When Fatties Are Enraged

As you can clearly see, when enraged fat people are known to refrain from physical action because, well, it's action; and action is exercise which is against fat people's morals. Instead they make really loud unnecessary noises and threats they know they are too lazy to carry out as well as an array of feral, guttural noises even more savage sounding than Helen Keller before Anne Sullivan taught her to sign. Approach with caution and earplugs are mandatory when approaching these not so gentle giants. On the rare occasion fatties spot you and charge, stay behind something. They will forget what they were doing since all of the globules of fat replaced most of their brain cells and go back to the KFC bucket.

How To Properly Kill A Lardass

Back in mediæval times, pigs that were so unfit and disgusting that they couldn't be used for food were used for another purpose; kickstarting a fire. To those who don't know, body fat is very flammable and once it's been set on fire, it's difficult to put out. And like the pigs used to kickstart fires, the subject should be set aflame while alive because it will deal out serious amounts of pain and punishment. Remember, the fatter they are the better, the reason why is because if you set only a relatively fat person on fire, say about 150 pounds, they may survive; the less fat that there is, the less damage the flames will deal to their muscle and organ tissue before killing them, that is, if it does kill them. However if you set aflame to a 400 pound subject, it'll rage on and on long before it terminates them. Additionally, the fatter they are, the more enraged the flames will be, the faster they'll reach organ and muscle tissue and overall the more pain they'll endure; and they say that fire has no spiritual purifying applications and wasn't created by God for that this exact purpose. However you need to consider the factor of smoke suffocation; many people who die in fires don't actually burn to death, they typically end up dying long before then as the smoke from the fire poisons the subject just in the same way exhaust from the tail pipe of a car poisons the subject; painlessly and quickly. To remedy this you'll need an oxygen tank and oxygen mask to keep the subject from suffocating to death as opposed to burning to death. However, because the flames are going upward as they tend to do, they can also melt the mask and allow the subject to die from smoke suffocation. To remedy this, flip the subject upside down so that the flames won't effectively ruin the oxygen mask. Additionally, flipping the subject upside down will prevent the subject from passing out from shock as it will rush blood to the brain, rendering the subject conscious throughout the sequence.

Of course you don't have to use fire to ignite the fire, you could always use electricity; back in the days before lethal injections, prisons used electric chairs for those on death row. For this to be applied correctly, one would have to apply a wet sponge to the top of the subjects head so that the electrical current would be intensified thus quickly and painlessly killing the subject. However, should the sponge be removed prior to the execution, the person will not be killed quickly but rather their not-quite-a-corpse-yet will experience shitloads of pain and eventually catch fire. This ignites the fire from the inside of the subject's body. This will cause the muscle and organ tissue to burn on it's own before the electricity eventually ignites the fat content causing the overall pain endurance all the more satisfying for the observer. This also removes the need for a gas mask as the pain aspect will initiate and conclude long before there's the factor of smoke suffocation and it also removes the need to flip the subject upside down to keep the subject conscious as the electricity will stimulate the brain and keep the subject conscious throughout the sequences entirety.

Do not openly kill the subject with a fire arm, sure the initial impact will cause much pain, but the flesh the bullet didn't cauterize upon impact will bleed out. Bleeding is essentially the painless way to go, instead of jarring the nervous system until it explodes, it eases them into shutting down. Bleeding to death is so painless that it can be compared with falling asleep; the subject steadily becomes weaker and weaker until they lose muscle control completely, also meaning that the brain steadily shuts down or, rather, falls asleep. You don't want that, so don't spill blood, at all. This means:

Weight Loss Advice for Fatties

Typical ineffective fatty exercise
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
Many will refuse your helpful advice.
Contrary to fat psychology, dying your hair does not distract people
  • Hide
  • Start drinking heavily
  • Don't ever go to the beach
  • Stop eating.
  • Deepthroat your middle finger.
  • Eat less.
  • Cut off both of your legs.
  • Stop participating in the Olive Garden tradition.
  • Stop eating.
  • Quit IRL.
  • Stop eating.
  • Do a fucking push-up.
  • Chop fat off with scalpel, rinse out with salty lemon juice
  • Stop eating.
  • Post noodz on BBWChan.
  • Protip: Running burns more calories than playing WoW and eating Cheetos all day.
  • Go on Dr. Phil.
  • Get rejected by pro-ana/pro-mia LiveJournal groups.
  • Stop eating.
  • Sue McDonald's.
  • Eat less.
  • Take a lot of diet pills.
  • Don't put lardy shit like jam on everything, a whole chicken is enough as it is.
  • When going to a buffet, the term "all you can eat" IS NOT A CHALLENGE.
  • Stop eating.
  • Get liposuction.
  • Try drinking water instead of deep fried milkshake. Just because there's a banana inside doesn't mean it's healthy.
  • Have celery instead of a sheet cake when you want a snack.
  • You may find this enjoyable. Let's face it, you're never gonna get laid anyway.
  • Srsly: Stop eating.
  • STOP BEING FAT.
  • Did we mention stop eating?
  • Eat less.
  • Befriend Nicole Richie.
  • Befriend Nicole Richie's Skeleton.
  • Kill Nicole Richie
  • BE A MAN, Cut off your fat with a knife

It worked in Changi, it worked for Gandhi.

  • 20 sets 10 reps of fork put-downs.
  • Get cancer or some other shitty disease.

Last but not least... stop believing that "fat" is a magic word. Cutting the lipids known as 'fats' out of your diet won't magically remove 'fat' from your body. When you eat fat, it doesn't somehow get redistributed across your body. Digestion doesn't work like that. If it did, vegans would have green skin. Believing the "low-fat diet" horseshit is like believing that if you run a diesel vehicle, you can collect pure diesel as it comes out the tailpipe.

Euphemisms

Fat women will never refer to themselves as "fat". They will use other, gentler words to describe their disgusting obesity. If you see a fatty use any of the following words to describe his or herself, please correct them:

Heavy

Fat girls will often describe other fat girls as heavy (or heavyset). Example:

Normal person: "Hey, I'm looking for this stupid fat bitch, was she here?"
Fatty: "Excuse me, but did you see a heavy woman here?"

Note: Do not confuse with "top heavy", which means huge boobs. (See Scarlet.)

Chubby

A chubby is a fat girl who thinks she is proportionate. In reality, a chubby girl is not proportionate. The problem with the adjective "chubby" that sets it apart from the other euphemisms is that fat girls who describe themselves as "chubby" are in total denial of their fatness. The following exchange is not uncommon with a fat girl:

Normal person: "Wow, you're fat."
Fatty: "No I'm not, I'm chubby."

Note: Truly proportionate girls are top heavy (see above) and callipygous.

Curvy

Black chick's doing it wrong!

Fat women like to justify their lard filled asses by saying that they are curvy or voluptuous as opposed to fat. This is a brazen fucking lie. Fat feminazi whores believe that they are equal in hawtness to Bettie Page or Sophia Loren, because of their tit sizes. This is not true, as curvy women are actually attractive. Any fatass who does this is only lying to herself and deserves to burn in a fire. It just confuses people to the point where women are offended by men who call them "curvy" because of the fat fucks using the term to describe themselves, when men are actually giving them a compliment.

A similar incident happened on the hit TV show I Love New York, but no one really gave a shit, because she is an ugly Negress who looks like a goddamn plastic Muppet. The results of said offensive comment were somewhat lulzy.

Healthy

A word that is being ruined by fat woman much as "curvy" was. Something so obvious shouldn't have to be spelled out, but here goes: a five foot tall woman who weighs 100 pounds is "healthy". A five foot tall woman who weighs 200 pounds is a beluga.

BBW

Roseanne Barr, apparently . . .
Some people actually find BBW's erotic.
Old-timey BBW *retch* Erotica

BBW stands for "Big Beautiful Woman",other more appropriate translations for this acronym are "Bulbous Beastly Whore", "Bloated Beached Whale", or "Big Bulging Waistline". Fat women think they can get away with calling themselves "beautiful" if they qualify it with "big". This is not true. BBWs are also eatbeasts, who happen to have fifteen chins coated in pickle juice. BBW is also the term preferred by so-called FAs, or fat admirers. The act of trying to locate these Moby Dick's is known as Hoggin. Extremely fat women (like "Stuck-in-the-bathtub" fat)call themselves "Super Sized Big Beautiful Women".

Rubenesque

Often found in personal ads or used by fatties attempting to "take pride" in their fatness. Peter Paul Rubens was a 16/17th century painter. Many of his paintings show women with fat rolls, exaggerated ass cleavage and cellulite ripples. This was not "the fashion of the time"—other paintings from the same period show women who are not lardasses. It's simply that Mr Rubens was a pervert fatty-fucker.

Bear

This is what fat hairy men like to be called, if they are gay and most likely closet fur-fags. The whole Bear scene reeks of rotten ass. While at one point hailed as an alternative to gay body fascism, it's now just another money-making label for homo. Being fat doesn't give immunity to AIDS, but it does ward off non-BBW's. Hence, gay.

Big-Boned

This euphemism is used by both sexes to make the fact that they are such colossal lardasses seem like a natural phenomenon, and completely beyond their control, by insinuating that they have very large bones. It is most often used in defense of ones monolithic proportions, but unfortunately for those that use this euphemism nobody buys this bullshit. (PROTIP: Offer to pay for an all you can eat buffet for them if they can prove they are big-boned by going to a doctor for an X-ray.)

Speaking of x-rays, this:

BigBonesFat.jpg

Sea any fat bones there? No - just rolls of fat. Oh, and shit.

Whale

A Whale is a derogatory term for a fat girl or woman. See also Fat whore. Whales are generally considered good at giving blowjobs. They have to, or else they would never get any cock. They also swallow since they are always hungry. Sex with whales is usually known as whale hunting. A common sub-variety of whale is the Welfare whale. Call a fat person a whale and tell them to go back to the ocean where they belong for maximum lulz.

Real Beauty

A hefty dose of "real beauty". Note the look of extreme shame in her date.

A self contradictory euphemism that in theory can be used by any ugly but entitled-feeling woman to describe herself. It is mainly used, however, by overweight women who have convinced themselves that the media is to blame for other people's disgust with their rippling blubber. Such women will often evoke the squat and chimplike America Ferrera as a typical real beauty.

Other

  • Eggplant-shaped
  • Full-figured
  • Thick
  • Mammoth
  • Round

Appropriate Names for the Fat

What are you laughing at? what the fuck are you laughing at??

These names are totally appropriate and are considered the correct way to address persons in the fat community. These should constantly be used in conversations with these people. These include, but aren't limited to:

  • Aisle Blocker
  • Black Angus (specifically for fat black people)
  • Buffet Killer
  • Buffet King
  • Butter Queen
  • Beef Beast
  • Chubs
  • Crisco Kid
  • Fatass
  • Fattie-Boombalattie
  • Flubberbutt
  • Fuck nut
  • Gravy dumpster
  • Hambeast
  • Hawg
  • Heifer
  • House Cow
  • Jiggles
  • Lard Ass
  • Obeast
  • Pillsbury
  • Porker
  • Porch Walrus
  • Rob Ford
  • Rotundo The Immense
  • Tank Ass
  • Thunder Thighs
  • Tuba Luba
  • Wide Load

And the greatest complimentary title in the fat world:

  • Pork Beast

Chubby Chaser

How chubby-chasers practice
Every chubby chaser's dream.
Typical Fat Admirers.

A chubby chaser is someone who loves "chubby" girls only. Many Chubby Chasers choose to live in blissful denial that there is anything '"perverse" or indeed "unnatural" about the desire to copulate with giant wobbling grease-coated fatsacks. In fact, some have even been known to be seen in public with their hyperfleshed darlings. However, in 2004, sexpert Yosuf Sindinchilchrun of the University of Newcastle UK carried out extensive studies and identified Chubby Chasing as "worse than being ghey, since even gheys don't feel the need to bring fat people home to meet their suicidally ashamed parents."

See also: FA; Sick fuck

Chubby Chaser's Theme Song

Health Problems Associated with Obesity

Fat People are often depressed.

Obesity is a huge health hazard. Normal, acceptable human beings are in constant danger of being smothered, ingested, or even absorbed transdermally by herds of amorphous blubber-bags rampaging across the countryside in their unending search to take in excess calories. Just one feral Roseanne Barr can eat several times her body weight in Paris Hiltons every hour. The threat this poses to the human population cannot be overstated. The President's Commission on These Things recommends that nobody with a body weight under 200lb should go outside without wearing salad, or maybe some fat-free rice cakes as a lardass repellant.

Typical reaction to seeing a fatty naked.

However, of all obesity-related diseases, the most distressing is Eyeburn, which directly results from seeing fat people naked. In normal humans, this can cause tremors and catastrophic rectal prolapse. Since people can't control their weight (thanks to jobs that make them sit down all day), there are few humans left. However, even the morbidly obese must shut their eyes real tight when they are naked and near a mirror or they will become ill, convulse, and with prolonged exposure, begin leaking tallow from every orifice until there is nothing left but a vanishingly tiny shred of self-esteem.

Occasionally, being fat can cause mental health problems, such as insanity (see Shay). This is the only possible explanation for why YouTube Favicon.png this video even exists. It can also present other brain-related problems, such as loss of coordination, as in the tragic case of the Grape Lady.

In some instances, morbid obesity is correlated with paedophilia.

The final disease suffered by fatties is the dreaded Diabeetus, which prevents them from eating the sugary junkfood for which they live.

Thinpersonation

   
 
Gluttony is not a secret vice
 

 
 

Orson Welles


Sometimes abbreviated as "SIF" for "Secret Internet Fatty." A secret fatty is a person who takes photos with the camera angled from above to hide their girth from the camera. Secret fatties are heavily afflicted by the internet disease. For more information on techniques used by secret fatties, see article on fat girl angle shot. to view an example, look at missalyssum

Fat Sports

There have been many fat sports but only a few of them are amusing.

  1. COMPETITIVE EATING
  2. EATING BABIES.
  3. EATING Dissected-chan
  4. MOAR DOUBLE-CHIN CONTEST: for the benefit of Chin-chan
  5. FUGLIEST FAT-ANGLE SHOT COMPETITION
  6. DEEPEST FAT VAGOO CONTEST
  7. LONGEST STRETCH MARKS LEAGUE
  8. THE TRUFFLE SHUFFLE!!!

Final Solution

1.4 billion people in the world are fat. With fatasses growing in population and beginning to take over, and with people too scared to tell them to fucking stop eating in fear of Fatty-rage, something must be done about these hulking, subhuman, disgusting fat fucks. Here is a proposal which has been sent to the EU, NATO, UN, and Al Qaeda, among other humanitarian associations;

  1. When the economy blows (hopefully), form a political party similar to the Nazis and begin a campaign of fear (in any First World Country, doesn't matter where). Start anti-fat riots everywhere with the help of the Gay Nigger Association of America and Anonymous. Beat up fat people wherever found, blow up all McDonald's and any other fast food joints that can be found, therefore removing a vital link in the Hogs' food chain. Followers will be gained, since we all hate fatties, and a strong leader will be found. Other countries will soon follow the good example set by your country and begin similar measures.
  2. Once in control of the government, round up all fatties in the country who are over 200 pounds without some kind of viable reason for their weight other than being fucking gluttons (tall people are exempt from this; they have an excuse).
  3. Send them to the nearest slaughterhouse and begin the massacre. Let them scream and waddle around while chainsawing them for extra points. Once Over 9000 steaks have been cut, package them and send them to Africa to feed the niggest into a strong and prosperous people.
  4.  ???
  5. PROFIT

Reactions to this article

As with most of the content on Encyclopædia Dramatica, this page has caused quite a few angry reactions and lulzy rants from butthurt readers. And since the offended party in this case is comprised of fatasses, it makes everything just a little bit lulzier. The best part is, 90% of the people that attacked this page died in the next 5 minutes from being a fat fuck.

Gallery

The Whale Exhibit About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Videos


*Vomits*
Surprisingly, this fat cunt hasn't devoured her children yet.
*BREATHING INTENSIFIES*
Donna Simpson "loves her weight", said as she is exhausted from putting clothes on.
Could you possibly be any louder?
Lardass Theme Song.

Final Thoughts

A fatty, wearing his invisibility cloak
   
 
Your kind often complains about "invisibility," but the truth is that you want to be invisible because when people look at you and react to you in a natural way you are outraged by their disgust. They aren't bad people because they are disgusted, you are a bad person because you are disgusting.


 


 
 

—The Truth

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