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HamletMachine

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Let this set the mood for the entire article.
HamletMachine IRL, showing off her awesome set of chompers.

HamletMachine (Power Word: Michelle Palumbo, born 1982) is a disgusting 32-year-old faghag and internet cult leader reigning from New York, 'MERICA. She is well known on the internet within the batshit insane yaoi communities on dA and y!gallery, as well as the gross fatass cunts over at /y/ for her ovary punching animu web-comic, Starfighter.

She is completely unashamed of her nauseating fetishes, which consist primarily of men full-on raping the shit out of each other and sparkling faggots ass-fucking. She hasn't the faintest knowledge of male anatomy, despite primarily drawing men. Michelle has also on more than one occasion referred to a man's unlubed ass as a "boy pussy", again demonstrating her vast knowledge of the male body.

Dude, did you even watch the fucking movie?
In the early days, she had actually attached herself to more popular artists, used them for ideas and to gain popularity by association, then dumped them by the wayside once her popularity skyrocketed. These are only the things that kind hearted people do, amirite?
GagaMachine in all her hermaphroditic glory.
She is well known for all-out attacking people for having remotely similar character designs or art styles, getting her legitimately psychotic friends to cyber stalk people who wronged her in some way, and of course getting super butthurt and crying when someone says something not so nice to her over the internet.
damn, who would've thought?
Additionally, Michelle cannot take critique, has an overall shitty attitude and is a painfully unoriginal cunt who has maintained the same fucking style and quality of work for over 10 years.

Her Comic, also known as gay Twilight in space

Raep is so kawaii!!1!
It's no secret that TartletMachine's comic is one of the worst to exist ever in the history of the world, in fact, it has had a Bad Web Comics article since at least 100 years ago. Her comic is essentially cancer, and not the good kind of cancer that can be processed by the internet hate machine into lulz, it's just straight cancer. It's the kind of garbage that can make you physically ill, or perhaps blind you for life. This comic is so straight up full of terrible and AIDS, it almost deserves its own separate article.

Back in 2009 when Michelle first started working on Starfighter, it was intended to be an inside joke between her and her friends; parodying all of the shitty yaoi cliches we've seen since the yaoi genre was birthed out of some bitch's slimy cunt. Sounds like a pretty funny idea, right? Well, once she realized how popular the comic was getting, she started to take herself uber seriously and instead of laughing at her shitty panels, she started fapping to them, essentially making her the very type of person she intended on mocking in the first place.


What it looks like when Abel swaps genders. Abuse not so sexy now, is it Hambro?
We'll spare you from a horrible fate and summarize it for normal people like you.

In nearly 300 agonizing pages, the story so far is two main characters, given the super original biblical names Abel and Cain, are in some space military whose purpose nor origins are explained. Right in the beginning, Abel gets surprise buttsecks from Cain, a noted domestic abuser and total psycho, and as predictable in true yaoi fashion, Abel thinks Cain is showing affection towards him.

We then see moar characters introduced for anti-lulz, such as a character named Deimos, who is an effeminate, flaming homosexual fighter with dumb scene kid hair and eyes so droopy it almost looks as if he's having a stroke. Deimos also has the hots for Cain, which makes Abel super jelly.

Watch out, guys!
Then we see a character named Praxis who looks and sounds a lot like Cain with exception of an eyepatch and different hair, and he's not as outwardly abusive (so far). Praxis has a super hardcore crush on Abel and dreams of fucking him constantly. We then have Praxis' unimportant navigator partner, Atros, who looks identical to Abel with exception of a wider face and nose. Totally no lazy designs here, amirite? Atros has a crush on Praxis and is super jealous about losing him to Abel. It's pretty obvious Atros' only purpose as a character is to create jealousy among the other three aforementioned characters.

There is also a token black character called Ekie, depicted as your average street-thug from the projects, whose sole purpose is to start problems with Cain, most likely to distract him from giving love to Abel.

And if you thought that was it, you're wrong. There are other useless fucking characters, such as the two commanding officers of the navigators and fighters who rarely make appearances, but even when they do it's completely unnecessary. And of course, there's a long blonde-haired tranny navigator called Keeler whose purpose - literally - is to interfere with the relationship between Cain and Abel. I'm not even shitting you.

tl;dr: The "story" consists of a bunch of nearly identical characters with lego hair constantly having bitch fits when they're around each other and the jellies become srsly obvious, and a couple random space battles strewn throughout - because we can't forget those! There is what can only be described as a love hexagon going on between all of the apparently gay military men, and then some more catty bullshit between said men about sex and relationships and stuff that the Sex and the City hags bitch about. Because that's totally what they do in the military, obviously.

Wait, is this gay rape comics or Top Gun? Highway to the Faggot Zone, mother fuckers.
There is mention of some kind of story, maybe? going on, but we can't really tell because not only is it so drowned out by all the gay sex and drama, but it's so poorly written we wouldn't be able to follow it anyways. And this is supposed to be an epic sci-fi action comic, lol. As any smart person will tell you, science fiction is always story driven, yet there is none in Hamlet's poor excuse of a comic. In other words, her comic is to science fiction what the atomic bomb was to the Japanese.


Somehow, there are no female characters in the Starfighter universe besides unimportant background characters (yet Michelle claims she is a feminist, ironic), all of the military men in her comic are gay, and there are no established military ranks among the soldiers or the only two apparent commanding officers, despite the implication that space army is fucking huge. Furthermore, it is not established who or fucking what they are waging an epic war against in teh spaces until the third fucking volume, and we still haven't seen what they look like or where they come from or anything. wtf. Oh shit wait as of this month or something, Hambrat has officially revealed what they look like. That's right, they're totally original giant space beetles. This comic just keeps getting better and better, amirite?


It's clear Michelle has absolutely no fucking idea how any established military works, or how homosexual relationships work, or what gay people are like IRL for that matter. Yet she is writing a story about both. wat


Inconsistencies and Plot Holes

As with most smut peddlers such as the talentless cunt who wrote 50 Shades of Grey, Hambrat is a profoundly shitty writer. She has a habit of not explaining anything she writes and having a million dead-end sub plots, dozens of unimportant or unnecessary characters that she can't keep track of, and of course, a bunch of love hexagons going on that confuse the fuck out of the reader. We're not sure if this is intentional or not, but the outcome is the same: a totally linear, sensical plot line that is easy to follow and understand. She seems to have a hard time juggling her mass amounts of porn scenes with a story, and thus creates a clusterfuck of hilarious discrepancies and plot holes throughout. Don't worry, we won't leave you hanging. We'll tell you because lulz.


LotBW totally ripped her off, man!
  • Abel's character inconsistencies - In the beginning of StarRapist, we are introduced to the character of Abel who, initially, seems confident in his abilities as a navigator and won't let anybody tell him otherwise. He's also immediately off-put by the creepy Cain and wants nothing to do with him. After an epic space battle, Cain insists he wants to have super gay sex with Abel, but Abel straight up tells him to fuck off. However, Cain proceeds to have sex with him anyways, and instead of fighting back or yelling for help like we expected him to given his character thus far, Abel immediately falls in love with Cain and completely changes his mind mid-rape. That's sure consistent and totally happens IRL. Abel gladly takes abuse from Cain, such as berating his navigating abilities, and believes him, despite being uber confident in his abilities in all other situations. In other words, Abel will INSIST HE'S TEH BEST when questioned by anybody else ever, except when Cain is around.
  • Nonsensical segregation of navigators and fighters - In the Starfighter universe, the navigators and fighters are partnered up in pairs, share a room together, and obviously pilot the starfighters together. But for some fucking reason, in all other situations, the navigators and fighters and strictly segregated from each other - they are not allowed to sit at the same tables in the mess hall, and they are not allow to engage in public activities with each other. Makes perfect sense.
  • Taking advice from mother fucking oracles - Apparently the epic space military in Starfighter makes any and all decisions based on the really fucking terrible advice of all-female oracles (which are the only apparent females in the entire fucking universe, lol). The reason why space army relies on them is not explained. Okay, so in the distant future when human kind has harnessed the power of space travel and is fighting an alien race, we rely on crackpot oracles with knowledge limited to the year 1400 BCE to make our life or death decisions for us. No wonder space military is getting absolutely destroyed.
  • Cain's nationality - None of the characters in Starfighter have established nationalities or ethnic backgrounds because it has nothing to do with the barely existent story. However, Hamlet made sure everybody knows Cain is super hardcore Russian. This has to do with Hamlet being a pathetic Russiboo who doesn't know the first thing about Russian culture or people. In the first chapter, Cain has no accent and by all accounts was as Americanized as everybody else. But suddenly in the second chapter, Cain began swearing in Russian and an accent became present. Great fucking writing, amirite?
  • Bed size - In the first chapter of Starfighter, Cain and Abel have twin sized beds in their room. By chapter 2, the beds have doubled in size with no explanation.
  • Worst military ever - The military in Starfighter consists of two sets of "soldiers" that fit into two distinct categories based exclusively on behavior and hair color: "fighters", who are all consistently low IQ, hyper-aggressive man children (somehow in hairless, slightly toned women's bodies) who are either brawling amongst each other or sexually assaulting people, and "navigators", who are pathetic virginal bishies who don't know how to use any weapons or defend themselves in any way whatsoever, and somehow the very fate of the entire human race rests on their shoulders. They are literally the most inefficient fucking military ever conceived anywhere ever.
 
 
All right, this has been on my mind basically forever and I wanted to get it out of my system. Starfighter obviously has a whole slew of problems with it, but one of the biggest and most glaring problems that nobody noticed is how badly the military is set up in the Starfighter universe. I’m only assuming that it’s military because of the uniforms and space-battles and the fact that they’re fighting some war or whatever.

So under this assumption, I’d like to say that Starfighter’s military is pure shit. Apparently the only qualifications to get into it is to a) be an androgynous teenage boy and b) not be a woman. You’d think with this being set in the future the military would have been more open-minded about the whole ‘WOMEN IN THE MILITARY.’ But maybe I’m wrong! Maybe the reason women aren’t allowed in the military anymore is because they’ll get in the way of all the gay sex that seems rampant in the ranks. Maybe in the Starfighter universe, ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ now falls under those weirdos that like to put their dicks into vaginas. Fucking breeders ruin everything, god.

And oh boy has regulation gotten lax considering emo hair, coon-tails, and ear gauges are TOTES OKAY to wear now! Man! If I weren’t born with a uterus, I’d love to join Space Army (wearing togas in the forest with a bunch of other weird chicks that listen to space music or some shit has no appeal to me, sorry hamlet). But even if I did have a penis, my arms are too big to be acceptable within the ranks of pre-pubescents and my hair is like, a dusty brown, so where would I fit in? I wouldn’t fit in the HYPER-AGGRESSIVE BLACK HAIRED MAN-DOGS or the delicate blonde/white of EASILY BROKEN EMOTIONALLY WEAK MAN-CHILDREN. Where do brunettes go hamlet? DO YOU HATE BROWN HAIR, HAMLET? PRETTY SURE THAT’S A SORT OF DISCRIMINATION. Now I don’t want to go to Space Army because I’d be made fun of for being heterosexual and having real human emotions by a bunch of uniformed prima-donnas. Because in space, nobody can hear your feelings get hurt.

Speaking of getting hurt, training seems to have all but disappeared too! Because from what I gathered browsing through military recruiting websites (the real ones, not the space ones), it seems EVERYONE has to go through training (yes, even blonde people who won’t be doing any direct fighting)! You know that thing that people have to go through to make sure they’re capable of handling a FUCKING WAR ZONE? Or shooting a gun? Or learning how to not cry when that hunky fellow you’ve been digging doesn’t really like you?

PPSSSSHHHHFFFTTTT. BULLSHIT. YOU DON’T NEED ANY OF THAT. WHAT GOOD WILL THAT DO EXCEPT ENSURE THAT YOU CAN PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR COMRADES SHOULD THE WORST HAPPEN LIKE ENEMIES BREAKING INTO YOUR BASE AND SHOOTING UP ALL THE PEOPLE THAT KNOW HOW TO USE GUNS? Because if I were a bad guy, I wouldn’t think of that. Killing all the capable people first and watching all the nerds and twig-arms flail about and suffer under the crushing might of my ranks because they’d sooner shoot their own faces off trying to figure out which side of the gun makes the ‘bang’ sounds.

No wonder the Cole-Trains are curbstomping Space Army. Everyone is more worried about their relationships with their gay love interests rather than FIGHTING IN A FUCKING WAR. IN SPACE.
 


 

— -A random internet person speaking a brutal truth about Starfighter.

"Originality"

the cover for the Bearfighter parody comic
Michelle apparently has a hard time coming up with original ideas, as her comic alone is pretty much a scene-by-scene parody of the 1996 yaoi movie Legend of the Blue Wolves, which is essentially about a space military fighting some alien race and it's loaded with rape and castration and other super fucked up abuse. You know, the kind of stuff Michelle is totally into. That sure doesn't sound familiar at all. Some people have even drawn striking similarities between Starfighter and Ender's Game, in which Cain and Abel are essentially a parody of Ender and Bean fighting in the Formic Wars, except with gay raep.

Any other "ideas" she's come up with are based off of Star Wars and other god awful bullshit like every other yaoi ever written in the first place. Even her online handle, HamletMachine, she totally ganked from the German play of the same name. She uses her friends for her golden nuggets - even the basic idea to give her characters names came from her friend. lol r u srs, bro? Not to mention, her characters all look the fucking same with exception of different hairstyles, and they all have the exact same body type. She's seriously trying, guys!

The fact she has no originality wouldn't really strike us as particularly lulzy if she didn't have such a piss poor attitude to go along with it. Hamlet seems to think she coined every science fiction theme and design ever and, as we elaborate on later, will actually accuse people of copying her shit. lol, ikr

Her comic is so notoriously bad, many comical parodies exist which make fun of almost every shitty aspect of her comic, from poor writing to awful gay fetish bullshit. One of these parodies includes a new one called Bearfighter which is only a page in and not even 3 months old, but already a hit. It's pretty clear that this parody will be better than the original by default.

Hamlet at conventions

Hambrat with a bunch of fugly Sturgfurtard fans at Yaoi-con. This is why we can't have nice things.
In early 2013, HamletMachine was invited all the way out to the Netherlands to give this boring panel on her comic at YaYCon. We don't know what's worse - the fact that she actually had a panel and that people could stand listening to this bitch, or the fact that the convention actually sponsored her to fly all the way to the Netherlands, and then paid for her accommodations and her entrance fee. To speak for 30 minutes about gay rape comics. wtf, world


Fans of the Comic

omg sew hawt, guys

Despite being obviously terrible and full-on soul destroying, her comic has somehow managed to receive well over 9000 creepy fans - who affectionately call themselves "starGAYzers" - but thankfully they're the kind of people who more than likely live in cum-incrusted basements and rarely see the light of day. What's interesting about her fans is the vast majority of them seem to worship her like some kind of Goddess from Hell - some have offered to drink her blood and legitimately bear her spawn of Hamlet. And, they're all apparently super fucking delusional. Most of the fans of her comic, despite having masturbated to every single page of the comic five times over, are convinced there is no rape or abuse in her comic, and that Hambrat is actually the best comic writer in history. What is this I don't even

When people talk shit about Starfighter, the typical Starfighter fanbrat will vehemently defend the comic and their Goddess, usually by saying shit like "WELL OBVIOUSLY HER ART IS BETTER THAN YOURS" and the classic "IT'S HOT SO WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT YOU THINK!!1!one!", because these 13-year-old closet lesbians are really, really that smart. At conventions, Starfighter fans are told personally by Hamlet that they make her wet, further encouraging their abhorrent and obnoxious behavior, both OL and IRL. What a sick fuck.

As can be assumed, her fans also believe Hamlet is capable of no wrongs fucking EVER, and when they come across some sort of evidence of Hamlet being a cunt to someone, they tell themselves and everybody around them they obviously deserved her wrath, even when said person has never come across Hamlet before in their entire life and was just minding their own fucking business. When people point out to them Hamlet is a total bitch, they just accuse everybody of being jealous of Hamlet and her God-like abilities.


pl0x dun raep me :'(
Oh yes, and apparently they make hilariously god awful cosplay music videos of themselves. I'm pretty sure Adam Lambert finds this offensive.



Starfighter "soundtrack" fan contest

Abel's pastime includes listening to space disco with his rapist. So fucking kawaii
So this spring, Hambrat announced to her brainwashed cultlings that she wanted them to make a soundtrack for her comic, because in addition to being bad at fucking everything in the universe, she's also musically inept.


   
 
Hello everyone! Have you ever thought, I wonder what a Starfighter soundtrack would sound like? Wouldn't it be cool to read the comic while listening to a Starfighter album?! I AM EXCITING MYSELF JUST TYPING THIS!
 

 
 

— Hamlet jizzing herself over the idea of a StarRapist soundtrack.


It's pretty clear Hambrat was just using her fans to get a soundtrack she herself could fap to while doodling her gross raep panels. But nevertheless, the album was made within the span of a couple months, and consists of what can only be described as mediocre experimental space bloops done in Frootyloops which kind of sounds like R2-D2 caught in a garbage disposal unit.

But please, don't take our word for it.

 
 
I finally got around to it. It’s kinda a shame this music is too good for starfighter. Than again recording the reverberating screams and grunts combined with the spurlting shits of a person with sonic diarrhea would be too good.

Let me decipher what part of the comic they’re about.

Gravitation - An aggressive song with mysterious tones, the bass gives a feeling of immense size. Clearly this is about Cain’s dong, it’s so big it has its own gravity after all lol.

Reliant - With its booming and shooting mixed with light bubbly sounds is most definitely about the male orgasm and ejaculating.

Among the stars - With seemingly two dueling musical sides that is both strong but joyful, this track is about when two dudes rub wieners.

Cockpit the Reliant - Music starts out unsure with its breaks and warbling sounds but leads into solid beats. It occasionally drops out as well. This is Abel’s competing thoughts about what a shitball of a human being Cain is but that only makes him hotter so its awight for Cain to do what he wants with Abel.

Cain - Well the title says its all. It’s a menacing, militaristic tune with wailing sounds. It’s about what a hot, intimidating badass Cain is despite being an insecure, violent, child in an underweight man’s body.

Colteron Space - It’s a cold, slow song punctuated with light fairy sounds that attempts to lighten the song but never fully does. This is a song about pubes being a pest and trying to grow back. NOT SEXY, SHAVE THEM BUGGERS!

Dreaming of Abel - Full of chimes and soft but slow and uplifting overall. This is not about Abel at all. We could replace him with a blow up doll as long as the fans are able to project their vag tingles onto him. This is about how Cain is secretly super sensitive and didn’t mean to push you down those stairs baby. See look I made you a wind chime out of finger bones…so what if they’re the finger bones of your brother, that guy was trying to move in on my favorite property. That being you baby.~

Fighter - Thumping and shooting with deep cello like sounds, sounds seemingly coming from all sides. This is about how all fighters have midnight orgies and they’re super steamy.

Acqua Tofana - It’s an upbeat, throbbing tune with happy bursts. It’s encapsulates how I would feel if Cain was murdered by Abel. It is about blow jobs. Sweet, sweet blow jobs.

Defining your enemy - Lots of clanging and banging, with hints of sweet piano. It later drops out to warbling staticy noises before building into its previous sounds again. This is about how you’re trying to sleep but your military barracks neighbors are fucking. So you think, “I better make sure they’re not going to get hurt." So you go over and have a disappointing threesome. You return to your room and your OTHER military neighbors are porking. SHEESH! SUCH A HARD LIFE THIS SPACE MARINE JOB!

Colterons - She really had people make a song about them before knowing a single thing about them? It’s a freaky strong song. It’s deep, dark, with bells and hints of military drums. This is about how they go to the doctor to check for STDs and they’re scared they got mpreg’d too. Turns you its twins Abel you better marry that bastard to maintain your feminine dignity.

Nexus - Electronic and airy. Whimsical and spacey in feel. This is about lubing up hard wienies. JUST KIDDING LUBE IS NEVER NEEDED! It’s about how Abel has no need to worry about wanting to bang that dude cause he’s gay and wants to bang you too. No exceptions!

Dark Passing - Another kinda dark bubbling tune with twinkling bell shit. Suddenly circus sounding shit shows up? This is about how Abel’s fetish is to pretend to be a rodeo clown that gets raped in the A-hole by a bull. The bull has got to be good looking though, he’s got self-respect okay!

Colony Lullaby - Lullaby shit with some lady going, “AHHHH" the whole time. She was doing an Abel impression because he’s either having sex or running from a domestic abuser another hot guy.
 


 

— YourFapsEndHere's in-depth critique of her album.

This is yet another hilarious demonstration of Hambrat fans producing utter garbage to satisfy their highness.

deviantART fanclub shenanigans

Apparently this is what gets you banhammer'd in Deviantart-favicon.png starfighter-fanclub.
Also known as hambeast mecca, the dA fanclub for Starfighter is made up of a subspecies of mentally unstable 13-year-olds who come together to collectively fap so hard it could very well rip open a hole in the fabric of space-time. And, like CuntMachine, have no apparent shame about it.

Most of the comments and content in the fanclub ranges from sharing sick ass fan fiction and really fucking terrible cosplays to posting asshurt about someone pointing out how shitty the comic is somewhere on the web, with very little deviation from the two.

Like typical TARTlets of dA, they react very poorly to any badmouthing and will immediately permaban all those who post anything remotely negative about Hamlet or her comic. Case and point:


[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Her Art

Typical demented artwork from Hamtard

Michelle's art consists of lazy-eyed, scrawny, no-lipped bishies with no body hair and asses that look like lumpy potatoes. She often draws nipples in the middle of the chest, assholes where vaginas should be (hence "boy pussy" I suppose), and quite obviously broken noses on all her characters. She has a massive case of Same Face Syndrome and draws the exact same body type on all of her characters. When asked why, her response is "this is the body type I find most attractive". Hey, don't judge her, she just wants to get off to her own comic. Let her make all her fucking characters her ideal men, you asshole!!!!

Her art style, which can only be described as a pretentious, hipster, minimalist cookie-cutter shounen anime style, is what most people find so unique, avant-garde or otherwise appealing about her, however people have been exhausting the same exact animu bullshit style since the dawn of time itself - AKIRA (1989) and anything by Tsutomu Nihei are perfect illustrations of this. As for her actual pieces, the style and composition tends to look half-assed, for a couple of reasons:

  • She only really uses the same 3 colors in her works, which consist of grey, blue, and red. It doesn't really seem like she's interested in experimenting with any others.
  • She will never blend her colors, only layer them, creating the aforementioned "cookie-cutter" like style.
  • Her lineart tends to be exceptionally messy, with blobs and smears of colors and lines in all sorts of random places in the piece. It's not clear whether or not this is intentional, but it looks really fucking gross.

She has and still does reference a lot of largely unknown artists with particularly innovative, edgy and unique stuff, and takes full credit for their ideas. What's sad is, her fans are so goddamn obsessed with her, they don't bother to give a shit about it.

As previously stated, she hasn't improved in any way for more than 10 years, in fact, she's gotten noticeably worse, as you can clearly see from years and years of the garbage she calls "art". This has been attributed to the vast amounts of ass-kissing given by her mentally handicapped fans assuring her that her artwork is already perfect and in no way needs improvement. Another interesting fact is Hamlet has gotten so incredibly lazy she actually relies largely on her lapdog onorobo to do most of her comic flats and toning. As for her knowledge of anatomy, many parody fanarts exist on the amazing hate machine that is the internet, illustrating the many fundamental flaws that exist in her understanding of basic anatomies.

Michelle is also almost never seen drawing non-porn. Everything she does is injected with her mind-raping, nightmare fueling fetishes, which include men being anally penetrated by slime, young bishie men having their dicks milked as part of some fucked up cult ritual, gagged and bound young boys fucking double-ended dildos that are bigger than their own heads -- need I list more?

Hamlet's other characters/stories

totally not lolicon, guys
Hamlet has other OCs besides the aforementioned and most famous faggot-ass Cain and Abel.
  • Machine and Girl. The best I can describe this is, it's basically a pedophilic relationship between a humanoid machine and a 5 year old loli. They are not given any specific names, and the designs are obviously based on the classic animu Casshern. Not much story is given other than Machine having to constantly fight off some apparent bad guys to save Girl and then most likely having sex with her as payment for his good deeds. The main antagonist in the Machine story is a character called "The Dom" who is a blatant parody of Lady Gaga. But no surprise there.
  • The Knight and the Witch are another one. Hamlet writes stories about the Knight going into a deep dark forest to save some townsfolk from evil witches. He sees an already deceased Witch on a impaled on a stake, takes her down, then rapes her dead body. Apparently Hambro is also into necrophilia. She has also done an illustration depicting Knight feasting on the menstrual blood of the Witch. Can this bitch get any worse, honestly?


Despite having absolutely cringe-worthy fetishes, a laughably shitty comic and poor artwork, it's also apparent she has an abhorrent personality as well.

Drama and Bullshit

A typical victim of CuntMachine's unwarranted wrath.
Michelle is probably one of the worst people to exist ever next to Hitler and Kim Kardashian.

As a typical popular online artist with a super inflated ego, Michelle has a hard time with criticism of any kind. She demonstrates this a variety of different ways, usually by IP banning people from her website for offering her constructive criticism, or accusing them of being BULLSHIT LIAR CYBER BULLIES with poor taste. Or, you know, the classic: just giving them snotty attitude followed by a block. Cute! And apparently this bitch went to a prestigious art school in New York and actually graduated with a degree. That's funny; last we checked, art school is the holy grail of brutal criticism. If it's true, how she survived it is one of the greatest mysteries never told.

Don't let her sweet demeanor fool you - we know for a fact she has a long history of systematically, along with her personal friends (who are almost all in their 30s btw), stalking and harassing numerous unknown and usually super young artists whom she accuses of stealing her precious ideas and art style. Some of these artists actually developed acute anxiety, stopped drawing altogether and left the interwebs for good because of her incessant harassment. And, because her shit is so fucking original in the first place, amirite?

Apparently Hambro's friends are also really nice people.
When confronted about her cyber harassment, Hamlet will respond with "I'M NOT IN THE BUSINESS OF BULLYING!", except the internet doesn't lie, Hambrat. It tells only the truth. And remember, this is a 31-year-old woman we're talking about.

Despite her bullying adventures, Hammie is quick to pull out the cyberbully card when she receives any negative reaction on her piece of shit comic. But that's not hypocritical at all, of course.

It's no surprise to us that CuntMachine is also famous for censoring any form of dissent towards her that exists anywhere, from parody art to light-hearted jokes posted on some obscure corner of the internets. We don't make this shit up, faggot.


The y!Gallery and Tumblr incidents

  • Back in 2010, Hamlet went to the mods at Y!gallery to complain about a parody Starfighter fanart on the site that had been there for at least a year before, saying that it hurt her feelings. The piece itself was casually making fun of Hamlet's potato-like anatomy, and by all accounts it was well-received by the scum of y!Gallery and even self-proclaimed fans of Starfurgturd. Hambrat straight up told the mod it was her birthday and as a small gift would like it deleted. As the y!Gallery mods are all mentally retarded, of course they obliged and the piece was removed. I guess even the y!G mods aren't immune to Michelle's cult of the personality, either.

The anon author of said piece was understandably surprised, considering not only did the piece in question not break a single site rule, but that it had been up for so fucking long she forgot it even existed. She ended up inquiring as to why her piece was deleted, and the mods straight up admitted they deleted it because Hamlet came to them crying and they felt bad.

It's clear Hambrotato can't take a joke in the slightest and has thinner skin than the fantasy slime dildos she draws for herself.


  • When an inquiry was made, the truth was revealed. Bawww hammie's feelings were hurted :(
    In early 2013, this image appeared in Tumblricon.png artist-confessions with the following text:
 
 
For the people who think HamletMachine is such a kind, humble person, you should know something.

A few years ago, HamletMachine and her closest friends personally harassed and cyber-stalked me for over a year because she accused me of "stealing" her comic "ideas". They made alternate accounts, spammed my various pages on the web, made smear pages and posts, and used their general popularity to destroy my image.

Thankfully, their attempts were futile, but unfortunately HamletMachine is good at covering her tracks for the sake of her reputation. Her fans are not aware of what she did to me. Her "kindness" is just a facade. She's really a horribly cruel bully with an incredibly inflated ego.
 


 

It wasn't even up for 30 minutes before Hamlet personally requested it be deleted. I wonder why? Something you're hiding there, hambrat?


  • Shortly after the confession incident, the authors of Bearfighter were blocked by Hamlet in direct response to discovering the parody comic, and it can be assumed she has reported the blog to tumblr staff for copyright infringement, except parody is cool under copyright law. But an attempt was made!


Despite all of the shit CuntMachine has instigated, she tries hard to maintain a pristine reputation online and therefore attempts to avoid publicly attacking people when she can. Instead, when people give the poor cult leader a hard time, she largely relies on her full-out psychotic internet buddies to white-knight for her. What's hilarious about this is, her friends are not only batshit insane and unleash waves of crazy that are well documented by Anon, but that they're stupid enough to blow her cover and clue people in as to who sent them.

zOMG ARTICLE VANDALISM

Sometime last month or whatever, we are 104% sure Hamlet attempted to balete her ED article under the username Editeditedit in what's known as the most fucking obvious and lulziest way possible: the classic blanking in progress. The all-knowing fist of an angry God that is the ED administrative team banhammered Hamlet within seconds of her blanking attempt, effectively rendering her an hero, and reverted what hard work she did with the single click of a mouse.

onorobo

That Jew nose.

Hamlet's favorite personal white-knight is Deviantart-favicon.png onorobo (alt account Deviantart-favicon.png uke-sama, real name Olivia), who is so full of crazy we could almost harness her for energy. I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm so fucking not. Fortunately, her hilarious level of insanity is well-documented and makes for some serious lulz. You better pop some popcorn, faggot.

Olivia, a 23-year old art student who looks an awful lot like a crackhead, has a very long history of attacking people for the most trivial of reasons, but the most common reason is insulting her precious Hammie-chan. Even making a light-hearted joke about her goddess is enough to make her absolutely lose her shit and stalk you into eternity. It's believed that onorobo is mentally unstable, most likely paranoid schizophrenic or bipolar, and doesn't fully realize just how crazy she comes across. She will obsessively stalk and harass people for Hamlet, for fucking years even, and has no qualms about publicly admitting it either - she'll even brag about having the great honor of Hamlet sending her personally. Pretty sure that blows her cover, brah. What makes us exceptionally sad is she's threatened to write ED articles for people even though she has no idea what trolling is. Well, at least she's being honest.

onorobo being super nice

What's funny is she's actually a much better artist than Hamlet. But for some reason, she literally stumbles over herself in the presence of Hamlet or her sick ass scribbles and constantly brags about HOW GREAT Hamlet is at art and life and stuff in general and how she's nowhere as good as that bitch. If perhaps ono wasn't a crazy fuck the internet peepole would be cool with her.

In her very little spare time, onorobo will take videos of her pasty-white crackwhore ass trying to be all cute and sends them to Hamlet on tumblr. Because other than twinks raping each other, this is apparently what Hamlet gets off to. And I'm sure onorobo gets off to Hamlet getting off to her, so it's one gigantic fucking circle jerk.

Oh noes, looks like onorobo dropped her syringe on the crackhouse floor.

onorobo's comic

Olivia writes a comic that indulges in her sick bully fetish. Not sure how common that is, but it obviously exists. She gets her jimmies rustled by bishie schoolboys violently beating the shit out of each other and then raep tiem. We figure her comic is yet another physical manifestation of her severe mental retardation and sociopathic tendencies. I can't believe I'm saying this but... her comic might actually be worse than Starfurdurp.

If this cunt could add any more crazy points to her crazy meter, she'd be in a mental hospital right about now. Or... maybe she already is? OH SHI-

The parody comic incident

the now infamous and painfully un-funny parody comic
In 2010, Olivia made a parody fanart of some random sci-fi comic which we think was another shitty comic called Digital Ninja, but we're not positive since she never publicly confirmed what she was parodying. The parody was basically an 8 panel comic where she drew Hamlet's characters in Hamlet's art style but with mustaches. In the description, she vehemently claimed the comic she was parodying was a piece of shit and a TOTAL RIP-OFF (of her favorite comic Starfighter, obviously). However, Olivia doesn't understand satire or how parodies work in the first place so, hilariously, not only did nobody know what she was parodying, but everybody - including other fans of Hamlet - thought she was making fun of Starfighter.

Lulz ensued when people began saying shit like "omg it's not nice to be calling Starfighter a shitty comic" and "yeah, I hate that piece of shit Starfighter comic, too", because ono went full-out batshit on them and constantly reminded people how she is ~besties~ with Hamlet and would never bad-mouth her goddess. She ended up getting so assmad about it backfiring on her ass, she baleeted the parody from the face of the interbutts.

Chris Stearns, a.k.a. ThisbeMachine

Chris Stearns, who just might also be David Firth.
Recently we've come to understand that Chris Stearns, who goes by the online handle "ThisbeMachine", is Hamlet's roommate and supposed boyfriend. Like Hamlet, he is a disgusting, pasty white PETA member. He apparently enjoys getting involved in Hamlet's online stalking and harassing business ventures. We also get the feeling this guy is easily overpowered by Hamlet and does whatever the fuck she tells him to do. You can catch a glimpse of him at conventions with Hamlet, or in the reflection of windows taking pictures of Hamlet with her retarded fans.

He is responsible for building and maintaining her Starfighter comic website. We figured as much because women obviously don't know how to make websites, or know anything at all for that matter.

What we find the most repulsive about this fuck is he is fully aware of the garbage Hamlet creates, which includes her gay fetish comic Starfighter. And he still lives with her and apparently dates her. What is happening.

If you ever find yourself on the receiving end of Hamlet's wrath, this faggot will most certainly stop by at the ass end and check out the carnage, all the while leaving evidence of his presence, such as an IP ping on your website or his icon showing up in your recent visitors list on your deviantSHART page.

A detailed list of Hamlet's known white-knights

You're probably curious to know more about the saddest group of people on the internet, whom can only be described as a pack of feral dogs foaming at the mouth over a chance at Machine ass. Don't be fooled, these people are not just devoted fans of Hamlet, they full-on worship her and wait on her every command. In addition to onorobo and ThisbeMachine, all of these dumb cunts currently or have at some point publicly white-knighted or attacked people for the goddess Hambro in all her gay raepin' glory. Because who wouldn't want a piece of that supermodel, amirite? Like Michelle's boy-toy Chris, if you get into trouble with Hammie, you'll probably see one or more of these wonderful people showing up to instigate a shitstorm 9000.

Typical delusions from the average white-knight of Hambro.
butthurt journals are a well-established troll delicacy

Personal Life

Being a notably private person, Hamlet doesn't release much personal info to the web. Almost no pictures of her can be found anywhere, and her real name is kept a secret besides her last name (M. Palumbo). For the longest time, many people didn't even know for sure whether or not she was even male or female.

However, that all changed. Back in 2012, Michelle was interviewed by The Huffington Post and an article was written about her and her comic. We have no idea why they decided she was worthy of an article, we can only assume they had nothing better to waste their time on. The article was super personal and featured a couple unflattering pictures of poor Hammie, so she made sure noone knew it even existed. Fortunately for us, the article resurfaced this year after some Starfighter fantard found it while searching google results for stuff to fap to. They posted it to tumblr and the rest as you know is good, juicy history.

She essentially admitted in the article that her characters and her comic turn her on. Fapping to your own fictional characters and having no shame about it whatsoever. Michelle is definitely one of society's best. A hilarious bonus to the article was that the sad excuse of a journalist who wrote said article seemed to give off the impression she was severely off-put by Hamlet and her sick doodled dicks and just wanted to get it over with.

Other Fun Facts

stop that
  • Michelle is a hardcore fan of known hermaphrodite Lady Gaga, which really doesn't fucking surprise us. Lady Gag is the only other thing Hamlet will spend precious time drawing other than gay pr0nz. It's interesting to note that Hambrat exhibits the same apparent shitty behavior of Gaga, which consists of using people for what they're worth and then discarding them when she's finished. This also explains why she tries so hard to be edgy and play up the shock value, it's because she's trying to be just like her idol Lady Gags, who is trying to be like Madonna, who is trying to be like Satan.
  • Hambro suffers from the typical weeaboo in denial syndrome. She believes she isn't like your average weeb since she is educated and attempts to stay away from the overt wapanese. However, she isn't fooling anybody of the latter with her lackluster attempts at Japanese on twitter and deviantart, probably her way of showing off to her Japanese fans, who end up consistently correcting her. This is why you don't use Google translate to learn languages, faggot.
Michelle is a big fan of google translate.
  • Along with being a painful weeaboo in denial, she is an also an unashamed Russiboo, also known as a pathetic faggot who wants to be Russian, and demonstrates this by posting painfully broken google translated Russian occasionally around the web, usually when replying to Russian-speaking fans. This is because she wants to make culturefail people like you think she's legitimately Russian. Her terrible grammar is constantly being corrected by actual Russian people, which just ends up annoying the shit out of her. She also intentionally made her Starfighter character, Cain, a stereotypical abusive and creepy Russian. Very nice depiction of teh Russian peepoles, Hambrat. I'm sure they enjoy that.

Bullshit

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Her pr0nz

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How to troll Hamlet

  • Tell her that her comic is just Legend of the Blue Wolves but with shittier character designs.
  • Tell her you never knew she existed until you found her ED article.
  • Offer her constructive criticism in public, and let the shitstorm 9000 begin.
  • Ask her if she gets paid to be an internet bully.
  • If you have balls the size of the empire state building, try approaching her IRL at Yaoi-con and tell her you're a huge fan her comic, Bearfighter.

How to troll onorobo

  • Tell her Starfighter is terrible and HamletMachine is a talentless cunt. Watch her head explode.
  • Ask her if she can hook you up with some good crack.
  • Ask her to remind you which rehab facility and/or mental hospital she's at.
  • Link her to her section of this ED page. Though this will be successful, doing it would make you a lazy fuck. Come up with something creative, faggot.

See Also

External Links

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Featured article June 6 & 7, 2013
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