The Hand of Clod
Robert "Clod" Green was the goalkeeper for England's 2010 World Cup squad. On June 12th Green allowed a weak Americunt shot at the goal to dribble into the net as he crawled around on his hands and knees like a retarded baby to tie the opening game in their group, a match that odds-on favourites England had dominated from the jump. This grave error of judgement was reminiscent of the infamous Bill Buckner flub where a weakly hit ball off the bat of New York Met Mookie Wilson rolled through the first baseman's legs allowing the Mets to rally for the victory and win the World Series.
The collective moans and groans from English pubs could be heard around the world and at the conclusion of the game England fans went berserk, rioting in the streets and setting fire to everything in their path. The Queen of England immediately permab& Green from England for life and put a bounty on the head of the English squad's Wop coach Fabio Capello for opting to go with a n00b goalie over the squad's veteran goalkeeper David James on only two hours notice.
The Hand of God
The moment of fail was almost immediately dubbed The Hand of Clod by England's old media. This is an allusion to the infamous Hand of God incident near the end of the England v Argentina quarter-finals match of the 1986 World Cup in Mexico where a cheating Argentinian circus midget by the name of Diego Maradona scored the winning 'goal' that knocked England out of the tournament (which Argentina eventually won). Maradona claimed that his goal was aided and abetted by God who temporarily made the referee blind so he couldn't see Maradona using his hands to 'score'.
It should be noted that England losing in the World Cup is not exactly shocking and/or news. In fact, the country that invented the game of football has won the World Cup a total of 1 (as in one) time since the tournament started in 1930 and that was in 1966 against Germany on home turf in London. Apart from that, the closest they've come to drinking lukewarm beer
from the coveted trophy (the trophy isn't actually a cup) in the other 12 attempts was getting to fourth place in 1990, so the only crown they can truly lay claim to in their national pastime is as the Epic Fail Guys of football; they're like the Chicago Cubs on a global scale.
Much has also been made of the newly designed ball -the Jabulani. Redesigned by the German sporting goods manufacturer adidas to perform well in the crazy extremes of South African weather -hot and cold, rain and sun- and at the different altitudes of the different venues it has excelled only as a drama-generating technique and buzzkill that evokes massive amounts of butthurt from everyone who isn't sponsored by adidas.
—Luis Fabiano, Brazilian striker
—Felipe Melo, Brazilian midfielder
Clearly, the Jabulani is yet another German attempt at trolling IRL and next to the Jews and the French, there's nobody Germany hates more than the English. This is obvious since adidas were quick to blame Robert Green before the ball gets blamed by the clod.
- "Hand of Clod" (News of the World)
- “We was Rob-bed” (News of the World)
- “Going, going…oops it’s Gone” (Observer)
- “Oh no, not again” (Sunday Telegraph)
- “Rob-bish” (Daily Star)
- “God Save our Green” (Sunday Mirror)
- “Capello to Axe Clown Green” (Sunday Express)
- “It was all going so well…then Calamity” (Independent on Sunday)
- “Green Fingers – One Disastrous Spill the Yanks Won’t Complain About” (Sunday Times)
- “Maybe the Americans got the most appropriate revenge for the BP-engineered disaster. They scored because England’s keeper had oil on his hands.” (Sunday Telegraph)
- If only John Terry had lived next door to Robert Green's wife.
- Why is Robert Green like ITV HD? They both switch off at the crucial moment.
- What does Robert Green do after winning the World Cup? Drops his controller.
- At least that's one British spillage the Americans won't be moaning about...
- What's the difference between Robert Green and Justin Bieber? Robert Green knows how to drop his balls.
- Kermit was right: It's not easy being Green.
- All these Rob Green jokes are getting out of hand. In fact they're crossing the line.
- The England lads had a get-together after the game and bought Robert Green a drink to commiserate. He spilled it.
- Team captain Steven Gerrard said: "The whole team is behind Rob Green." With hindsight, that's a good place to stand.
- Robert Green's bringing out his own South African trumpet. It's known as a boo-boozela
- Robert Green - a joke even Americans can understand.
- Yesterday at London Zoo one of the staff let a a Central American monkey slip out of his grasp. So Robert Green's not the only English keeper to drop a Howler.
- My computer's got the Robert Green virus. It can't save anything.
- Just bought a Robert Green condom. Extra slippery and you're guaranteed not to catch anything.
- Before he got into football, Robert Green was a bus driver. But he got fired because he couldn't make any stops.
- I'm Robert Green and cleaning Windows is my next idea.
- Robert Green couldn't catch Herpes in a brothel.
Although Robert Green couldn't tend a goal if it was the size of an ice hockey net, the man is like some kind of motherfucking IRL super hero with a Zelig-like knack of turning up throughout history to save the day (or not). He has an uncanny knack of being in the right place at the right time - or in the wrong place at the right time.
In this meme that originated on 4chan's /sp/ board, the oh exploitable template of Green fully extended as if actually making an attempt to save a shot on goal from scoring is shooped onto pix of historic events such as the Hindenburg airship disaster and the US Marine Corps raising the Stars & Bars on Iwo Jima.
A secondary mini-meme that appeared simultaneously is one that shows a reaction face shoop of David Beckham looking alarmed and glum that was taken from the broadcast of the game when the camera panned to the England bench and caught Beckham (who is not on the team due to being an old man) looking of disgusted. Keanu Reeves has also strangely started popping up in both these memes.
Robert Green waited. The Vuvuzela above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were Americans in the field. He didn't see them, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Fabio Capello were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.
Robert was a goalkeeper for eleven years. When he was young he watched a football match and he said to dad "I want to stand in the goal daddy." Dad said "No! You will GET GOALS BY AMERICANS." There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got older he stopped. But now in the goal of the Royal Bafokeng Stadium he knew there were Americans.
"This is Beckham" the radio crackered. "You must fight the Americans!"
So Robert put on his goalkeeper gloves and ordered up the defensive line. "HE'S GOING TO KILL US" said the Americans "I will shoot at him" said Donovan and he fired the Jabulani. Terry blocked at him and tried to blow him up. But then the vuvuzelas fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.
"No! I must kill the Americans" he shouted. The radio said "No, Robert. You are the Americans." And then Robert was Clint Dempsey.
Now this is a story all about how,
My life got flipped, turned upside-down,
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there,
I'll tell you how I became a complete and utter failure.
In the World Cup with England, made to play,
In the area was where I spent most of my games,
Chilling out, catching, relaxing all cool,
With Americans shooting balls at my goal,
When Clint Dempsey, he was up to no good,
Started making trouble with my defenders,
I let in one little shot and Capello got scared,
And said "You're moving back with Avram Grant in West Ham"
I whistled for a plane, and when it came near,
The side of it said "BA" and there was a dice in the mirror
If anything I thought that this plane was rare
But I thought "Naw, forget it, yo homes to West Ham"
I pulled up to the ground about seven or eight,
and I yelled to the pilot "Yo homes, smell ya later"
Looked at the stadium, I was finally there,
To sit on my throne, as an utter failure
- Robert Green's official page
- That awkward moment when Robert Green asks you to play catch with him
- We're winning the soccer game... LOL JK, Robert Green is in goal for us.
- Robert Green's mistake against USA
- Rob Green is amazing LOL, JK he's fucking wank!!
- Leave Robert Green Alone!
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